Worn out

I’m tired. I have loved having Bd but the early starts have started to wear me out, especially as I want to spend every moment I can with him so I haven’t been going to bed as early as I should. I have also had to factor in time with Poppy, half an hour a day with her isn’t enough but this week I’ve been struggling to find any more spare time to give her. And don’t forget that for the half hour I am cuddling her, Bd is locked in the house by himself. I feel guilty, when I am with one as part of me is overly aware that I am not with the other!

However, I have muddled through the best I can. And I have loved every minute. I hate that he has gone back today!

It all happened at the wrong time of course, it always does. Poppy wasn’t suppose to arrive only a few days before I had Bd for a week and a half. She was supposed to come in January, so I would be into a routine with her before figuring out how to look after them. So that I could easily get her to the vets for a check up, have all the right stuff for her so she could get out of her too small cage. But as with all best laid plans… Things will start improving for her now though. She is going to come in to the house on an evening – I don’t have a run, but she needs out the hutch – and we have a 9am appointment with the vet on Saturday so I can get her checked over and her nails trimmed.

And it’s not just been getting used to a having Poppy and Bd that I have been challenged with. Just to add another layer of general stress to the mix, I have ended up changing jobs this week. New hours, longer commute, a whole new challenge work wise (I am worried that are going to regret headhunting me. Yes, take a second for a small victory dance I was head hunted!!) So add new job stress to early start, late evenings and trying to find more hours in the day and you will see why this post is quite so bad!

I don’t know what is going to happen to this space. I used to write on my lunch break, but I am not sure yet if this will happened at my new place. I know that I am not going to stop writing, it helps me process things and you guys are just way to awesome to loose. But I may post less. Quality not quantity right?

As soon as I know what is going on, I will let you know. In the meantime I am thinking of you all


I’m scared!

Today I’m finally putting into words all the feelings I have had over the last year; the feelings that I have tried to bury. As burying them hasn’t sorted anything out, perhaps finally facing them will.

I’m scared I am going to end up alone.

I’m scared I am not going to be enough.

I’m scared I am never going to have children.

I’m scared I am going to spend every morning, for the rest of my life, waking up alone.

I’m scared that over a year later I am still missing him so.

I’m scared that the online dating thing doesn’t seem to be working out (although I did half expect that)

I’m scared my heart is never going to mend.

I’m scared that I am never going to get over him.

I’m scared that he left me so easily, that I was so easy to walk away from.

I’m scared that I still can’t piece together all the broken pieces of my heart.

I’m scared that I no longer believe in love.

I’m scared to be alone.

I’m scared to stop, so I am wearing myself out.

I’m scared that I don’t know how not to look for love.

I’m scared I am going to lose BD.

I’m scared that Mity is aging in front of my eyes.

I’m scared that ..(lets just say work isn’t going well right now)

I’m scared about making the ends meet at the end of the month.

I’m scared that I will still be doing this alone when I am 90.

I’m scared I’m not going to live until 90.

I’m scared I’m wasting my life.

I’m scared I’m going to make the wrong decision.

I’m scared all the balls I am juggling, are going to come crashing down, and there is no one there to pick them up with me.

I’m scared I am messing up my life.

I’m scared I’m not going to get my happily ever after.

How much would you pay to keep a friend?

Turns out the age old advice is true, money can muck up friendships. It’s happened to me. In Uni I had a friend ring me in a panic. She was broke and the house she was living in had burst its pipes and she needed to borrow £50 to pay for a plumber. She explained she couldn’t got to her folks because they would be livid about her spending all her money and so she asked if I could loan it to her. She had been a friend for years, pre-Uni and so I didn’t hesitate. I’m still waiting for her to pay me back. The few times we met up after I gave her the loan she always had an excuse as to why she couldn’t pay me back. Slowly I gave up, the friendship faltered as a little bit of me resented her not paying me back. The money didn’t matter. Ok the money shouldn’t have mattered.

She got in contact about 6 months ago, out of the blue, via Facebook. She said it was a shame that we had lost contact and thought it would be fun to meet up again, could I do coffee? I told her I would love to meet again, but as the conversation progressed I found I couldn’t not raise the fact she owed me money. She was gushing about wondering why it all went wrong and I wanted to start with a clean slate so I mentioned the fact she owed me the £50. Turns out she can’t remember me even lending her the money. I mentioned the pipes, told her the thing that annoyed me was the time she was on route to meet me, called me from the cash machine and still couldn’t find it in her to withdraw even a tenner for me as a ‘I’m starting the pay you back’ gesture. She apologised, was mortified that it had been something so small that had ruined a fab friendship. So I asked when she wanted to do that coffee. I’m still waiting on her response.

So £50 to find out a friend wasn’t really a friend, in the scheme of things it doesn’t seem like a too bad rate. Technically I’ve saved on birthday cards, gifts so I’m probably financially better off.

My concern is I think it may be about to happen again.

I have music lessons once a week with a guy who I met through a mutual friend. But over the years my ‘music teacher’ became a close friend. He turned up on my door step (with chocolates) to take me out to lunch and cheer me up when the soldier I was dating was re-located to another country. He’s supported me at various events and I thought we had a solid friendship. Then, slowly I started seeing him less. I’d ask him to do something and he would be ‘busy’ but then turn up when another friend made the same invite. It became a standing joke that he only saw me when I was paying him. The problem is, to me, it wasn’t a joke. I genuinely started to feel like I didn’t matter. I introduced him to various family members who also wanted music lessons and now I feel he is more their friend then mine. I find out his news from them, he seems to be constantly on the phone to them and I feel forgotten about. He has had a bad 12 months and I know he has a lot going on, but still I feel left out.

I have raised this with him and we had a massive clear the air argument – I admitted I thought I was losing him. He told me I couldn’t lose him but also told me he hated the ex, can’t understand why I’m not over him and has asked me not to mention him (the ex) again in his presence. This completely threw me as the multiple times they met they always got on so well together and to be banned from talking about something I am struggling with sucks. So now when I see him I am ‘fine’; there’s no point telling him otherwise.

So the friendship is on the rocks and I genuinely don’t know what’s going to happen. But just for added complexness I pay him monthly for music lessons and I am worried about whether or not I am getting value for money.

Now to clarify, he is an amazing teacher. I have improved so much since I started having lessons; my complaint is not with his skill. It’s more with us having a very lax approach to payment. Basically he tells me when I owe him money and I pay. The problem is this approach means I don’t know exactly how many lessons I have in between each payment. I used to pay for X lessons but recently for his own financial reasons he has switched to monthly; but I’m unsure as to where the month starts and ends. For example he is getting just under £50 tonight but because I cancelled one and he is on holiday for another I am only having 2 lessons in the next 4 weeks. If this is £50 for 2 lessons then with my own financial worries I don’t know if I can afford this. Plus as we have a catch up chat at the start of a lesson, although I pay for half an hour there are occasions where I have walked out having gone through one song.

I don’t think he is ripping me off. When I lost my job, he cut his rates and was so brilliant about helping me continue lessons while I got back on my feet. I don’t want to bail on him now when I can afford his lessons as my ‘weekly treat’. But with money tight, I want to make sure I am getting value for money.
I know I should raise this with him, but with the friendship already on a shoe string I’m scared.

Why does the sweet, thoughtful guy you loved become a selfish moron the moment he becomes your ex?

Well if he keeps this up it will become a breeze to forget the loving sweet guy I dated and instead remember the complete and utter moron who broke my heart and then took great glee in stomping all over the little pieces. He’s a twat. I am beyond annoyed with him.

When I left my house, after been thrown out by him I left a lot of my stuff behind. It made sense. I had no need or space for the double bed which I had brought with my from my parents house. I didn’t immediately need the towels, spare sheets, duvet, pillows or any of the other items which I had brought with me. I was going back to my parents and so if I had taken it would all have had to go into storage and so it made sense for him to hang onto it for a short while. Also, I just wasn’t strong enough to split up the sheets or bedding. I didn’t want to, hell I couldn’t go through the items we had bought together only months earlier when we had been filled with so much excitement, when I had been filled with so much hope.

I didn’t want our relationship to become one of arguing over a bed sheet. I couldn’t cope with that.

Truth be told I still can’t cope with it. The last few days have involved taking items out of the house we shared and moving them into the house which is going to be just me. Or (as in most of the cases) donating stuff to a local charity or various family members. I know it is shallow to move it out to give it away, but I know he will move on (my gut feeling is telling me sooner rather than later) the idea of him being with another woman kills me. The idea of that woman being in my house, using my stuff……. so I’ve taken it. Anyway, I digress!

I would like to tell you that he has been helpful, understanding and made this whole situation easier on me. Oh how I would like to tell you that. But the truth is he has argued and refused to understand why it would be easier for me if he wasn’t there; he has used the argument of if he’s not allowed in my new house why should I be allowed unaccompanied into his (which I might add he has no problem with me doing when I’m collecting BD and it suits him! twat)

Our latest argument is over the sheets. The other day I sent him a message asking if he would be willing to go through the bedding, sheets etc and return to me anything that was mine. I don’t want the stuff that was ours, just the bits that were mine from before. He has told me that would be too stressful for him, but I am more than welcome to come and help myself. I then asked if I could come next week, when I’m collecting BD and bring a friend, you know a bit of moral support. Apparently not as he has a ‘friend’ around on the evening I want to come. As a side note he also had a ‘friend’ this time with the friends young family around when I initially suggested picking up my furniture but then on the day sent me a text saying he was going for a 3 hour run, no mention of this friend or his young family! Not that I don’t believe him you understand… Anyway. It would not be convenient for me to go around with my friend while his friend is there. So I suggest he puts everything into a couple of black bin bags, I can throw it all into my car when I pick up BD and then return his stuff when I bring BD back to him. Apparently he is so busy with work that he doesn’t have the time to do even this.

In his defence he has offered to give me the money to buy some new stuff, but that’s not the point I want my  stuff back.


I didn’t want to be in this position. I didn’t want to be arguing our bed sheets or falling out over furniture but here we are. Does he not get that this is still so difficult for me? Why can’t he just make it slightly more bearable by being a little flexible? He wanted this. I did nothing wrong. I didn’t give up on us. Yet I have had to deal with all the fall out while he has buried his head …..and holidayed and partied with his friends.


But just to prove I do listen to comments and advice……. Dawn

Positive: today I had the most lovely lunch which I really enjoyed.

Negative: I do feel it just needs a little bit of chocolate to finish it off and I have none.

Positive: By not being able to eat the chocolate I am craving I can remain thin and spotless. Ok well not spotless but I will pretend!

A bad weekend

I’ve had a bad weekend, and the words won’t come. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know how to say it. My brain is fried and on some levels I am only just holding things together.

I don’t want to not post today, but everything is so jumbled I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to start pulling apart the threads.

I went to see Wicked this weekend.

It contains this song….I barely kept it together.

My inability to keep it together lead to a huge fight with a close friend and my kid sister.

To make matter worse, I had to contact the ex about removing my final things from his house and he managed to turn that into a huge fight making me feel like an idiot for ever loving such a heartless jerk…..

Hopefully I’ll be in a better place tomorrow. X


An ‘eventful’ trip (part 2)

So I would not blame you for assuming that yesterdays post, which ended with us pulling back onto the motorway would have been then end of the ‘eventful’ trip. However you would be wrong….. oh so wrong!!

To begin with here is the photo of our repair from yesterdays post, which for some stupid reason would not work yesterday.

not a bad job!
not a bad job!


So we pulled back onto the motorway, resumed our harmonized singing to Les Mis and carried on our own sweet way, congratulation ourselves for being so resourceful. Everything was going pretty well until the time came to pull off the motorway and start the serous navigation to the venue. It was at this moment that a red flashing light appeared on my friends phone, indicating that our sat nav would soon be dead, followed be a second red flashing light on my own phone. This meant that soon we would be not only lost  but completely without any way of contacting anybody.

We could vaguely remember the name of the town and street we thought this place was on (although I was still unsure this was the right place we were heading) but my eternally optimistic friend (seriously she is – she has been tested) assured me everything would be ok. She seemed quite happy taking it all in her stride, while I started looking at the local pubs to decided if any of them looked friendly enough that we could walk in buy a drink and put our phones on charge for half an hour….or stop the night.

It was about this time we remembered that just before setting off we had been asked to turn up with a large bunch of flowers as an additional gift for the birthday girl. I don’t quite know the logic we used to decided that rather than going to any of the local supermarkets that we knew, it would be a better idea to find on en route so we didn’t have to detour. I think we both had visions of driving past a massive supermarket, being all shiny and new and having much more variety than any of our local chains. However the reality, which we had both forgotten, was we were driving from a town to spend the weekend in a bunk barn in the country. There were no big supermarkets…there were no shops. In desperation we ended up pulling into any gas station we came across and spending 5 minutes trying to decide if any of the half dead flowers could be bunched together to create one super, expensive looking bunch. Clearly lunacy had set in as I offered to get very creative and started looking for foliage which I could forage to include in the bouquet. yes, I had no scissors, I had no wrappy stuff and yet I was going to cut down parts of trees and create a super bouquet?!

After about 6 shops we settled on a bunch that looked ok, got back into the car, drove down the road for about 5 minutes and drove past a  rather large, very grand looking supermarket  – at that point I may have uttered some words not to be repeated on this blog!

We were now running at least an hour behind schedule. The journey should have only taken us 1.5 hours and we were quickly approaching a total journey time, including stopping to gaze at flowers, of about 3 hours. I suggested to my friend that we tried to turn on her phone to see if, now we were closer, we could find enough battery to take us to our destination. I have never been so pleased to see a phone spring back to life. I was slightly less pleased when I realised that we had driven past the turning to the place we needed about half an hour earlier – grrr! We started retracing our steps to find the turning. Knowing we had limited time I desperately tried to remember the names of the roads we had to turn down, and whether we needed to turn left or right.

Somewhere down the first road the phone died for good.

DIY blues

I feel like a failure,and I can’t fully understand why. This,weekend I accepted,some help with my house and I had a couple of people up to help me out (besides my folks who have been up every weekend since the word dot) anyway I know they were all there to help me out but as I set them.on various tasks finishing off jobs I had started but not quite finished yet, like sanding down skirting boards which I’ve stripped the paint off I felt like a failure. You see I’ve started all the jobs but I haven’t finished them. I can no longer look at the bit of skirting and think I did that, because I didn’t.

The problem is as this is dragging on my parents are becoming more tired and me moving out is becoming a bigger thing in my mind and I’m starting to panic about it. I was supposed to have been in my house months ago, getting in so I could have summer evenings to get our into my garden, walk bd and explore the area was the plan. But the rush to move me in is making me doubt my ability to commit to anything as I cherry pick jobs and also this is my house my mountain to climb. If it takes,a little longer because I want to.climb it alone my way does it really,matter?

My folks have suggested a paint party, and I’m really torn. Part of me loves the idea of friends and family having a laugh and helping me build my home but part of me wants to achieve this alone to do it my way to prove I’m not a complete failure but with my dad putting together the cistern in the toilet without me I worry that boat has,already sailed.

He was supposed to be a …. pregnant goldfish!

As I mentioned yesterday I have a couple of dates in the pipeline. I say in the pipeline because although I have agreed to go on both dates I have not been able to tie down an actual calendar date where I can fit this guy in.

The main reason for this is that last weekend was D Day on the house, I had a friend coming and so the plan was the house would be finished in time for her visit. I had the date in read in my diary, my dad had the date in red in the diary, I even gave the date to my workmen (the two that I have allowed into my house and they have only been allowed in because they are playing with electric and gas/major plumbing) however it would appear that to the workmen this date meant diddley squat. The gas/plumber cancelled me twice, before finally turning up to do the job the day before my friend came and then only doing a 3rd of what was actually required of him – basically I paid this guy almost £400 to buy me a shower and attach a small part of it to the wall. The other shower I asked him to remove….attached a stop water top thingy (one which I had bought for use elsewhere in the house) to the end of the metal pipe and left it there meaning that I now need to remove the pipes and come up with a more permanent solution. The central heating he was going to get working….. well I’ve just called up another workmen to come and do that job! The shower he’s fitted…. I had to drill the trenches, cut into the existing pipes, re-plaster and attached the hose, head etc to. The small bit of piping that needed replacing and the ex offered to do for the cost of pipe (which was about £5).. he’s charged me 85 quid!

Anyway to summaries the house isn’t yet anywhere near finished but having this date in my diary means I have now started booking back in the social life that I have had on hold for a number of months. Now I have DIY squished around a social life and to top it all off I am currently feeling like death warmed up and I’m counting down the minutes until I can have my next Lemsip (31 minutes just in-case you care!).

I met this guy about 2 weeks ago on a night out. I would like to tell you he was charming, lovely and I felt goosebumps..but that would be a lie. The guy was an ass. Worse than a “pregnant goldfish” he was an annoying ass who threw insults at me, refused to by me a drink and then refused to leave.

Don’t worry I gave as good as I got. I pointed out he had stupid facial hair (which he does) before pointing out all the guys in the bar I would rather be talking to instead of him – I may have been a little tipsy! Anyway in a moment of weakness, or maybe trying to prove to myself that I have to move on, I agreed that I would let him find me on Facebook, I assumed he wouldn’t he did. We had our first conversation and he told me how much he fancied me, how hot I am and asked me out. For any blokes out there do not keep telling someone how hot they are. I have a brain, I have a personality, I have interests try talking about some of those and you will get me interested. Telling me I’m hot repeatedly does not float my boat.

Then he asked me out.

The thought process was the guy is a “pregnant goldfish” and so I could go on a low risk date. I assumed I would hate every second, probably end up having to buy my own drink, and leave as early as I possibly could but hey it would count as a date and I would have had the first official date since… well….. you know. Although as the conversations continued it became clear that he has a pretty decent sense of humor… not that different to mine. He’s made me laugh out loud and I genuinely look forward to receiving his messages. After many conversations and even a late night phone call it turns out I could be wrong about this guy. He may not be the total pregnant goldfish that I thought he was. Surprisingly I am looking forward to the date, hey I’ve even suggested the second one. I’m being very carefully not to run before I can walk but now this isn’t the low risk date I wanted and that scares me. I’m not in a place where I am ready for this. I don’t want to start something new to wish I had waited longer in a few months time – I’ve been on the receiving end of that conversation and it sucks!

Although I know I can’t I still want the ex and my life with him back but at the same time I don’t want to cancel this date. Impressively I have explained most of this to the guy and he hasn’t (yet) ran a mile. Suspicious activity right there if you ask me. I’m trying to not worry too much before we go on the first date, but there is something about him which makes me think he isn’t the “pregnant goldfish” I thought he was…and if he isn’t what then?!

N.B I realised that this post will only make sense if you know the word for a “pregnant goldfish”. If you don’t then it is a 4 letter word, starts and ends with ‘t’ and has a ‘wa’ in middle. And thus ends the school lesson for today – you’re welcome!!

Dad said no!

I know that that makes me sounds like a 3 year old. I know that in actual fact I am an adult, but when I was weighing up whether or not I was ready to commit in yesterdays post I knew a major factor would be my parents help. Although he would be my dog I would need their support, basically I would need a good dog sitter for me to have any life outside of the dog. My mum said “let’s talk about it” but my dad wouldn’t and said it was a “stupid idea” and thus the conversation was ended. My dad isn’t usually like that, over the last few months he has listened as I have worried about my new house, worried about work, the ex… you name it he has listened and supported me on. But for some reason, last night there was no conversation it was a no.

The downside is I had made my mind up to wanting him. Well I’d not decided I wanted him more the idea of someone else having him made me feel sick to my stomach. It felt right, like he was my destiny. It felt like I felt about my house when I saw it for the same time, or how I continue to feel about the ex (yep, we’ll leave that there!!)

For the first time in 6 months the idea of leaving work and getting home excited me. I saw morning and evening walks across fields, I saw weekends off hiking up some sort of hill, I saw a life. I was still unsure. I was going to have to introduce him to both BD and Mity and it would all depend on how he would react being left for such a large portion of the day. But my dad’s firm no has robbed me of taking the next step, or at least that’s how I feel.

So now I see evenings sat in watching TV. Me alone from one evening to the next (unless I have BD of course). I know I was worried about the social life having a dog would rob me of, but when I think about it what social life? Yes, I will see my friends, but they all have partners, kids, lives, the vast majority of my time will be spent alone (Well annoying you lot on twitter). Yes, I will have days away, weekends away, holidays but when you break down my year a whole portion of it would be just me.

I know it is not up to my dad, but I am not naive enough to imagine I could have a dog full time alone. For that to happen I would have to give up any sort of social life which I just can’t do. I would need to have support and dog sitters. I text my sister to see if she would on occasions dog sit and she wasn’t overly keen. In fact the only person massively supportive (who I contacted in a moment of weakness) was the ex who said he would be more than happy to factor a second dog into the BD dog share scenario and would take it off my hands any time I was busy and needed it looking after. Which opens a whole new can…does he not realise that he didn’t want me in his life and so he can’t support me in that way? I am very aware that any day he could find someone new, or I could really piss him off and he can take BD and vanish. Plus if he meets anyone new, well they won’t want the ex around; he can’t commit to me long term any more. I am all too aware of this – why isn’t he??

Is it too soon to commit?

I think I’m in love, or at least very serious like. When I first met him, he played hard to get, and I have to admit I always enjoy the chase. When I walked in he acted as if he hadn’t even noticed me, and my initial hello was pretty much ignored. He seemed too busy paying attention to the other people I was with, and I must admit I felt a little stab of pain that he wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him. Although I thought this would mean I would be safe…. I was wrong. Eventually he came and sat next to me…then he lent gentle against me so we were just touching…and finally he gazed into my eyes with his big brown eyes and gave me a look. I didn’t stand a chance, when he rolled onto his back and snorted as I brushed his stomach I knew I was smitten…… and now I don’t know what to do.

I occasionally help out at a local rescue center and I have amazed myself by not leaving with a car full of dogs every time I leave. There are a couple there who I would love to take home with me, and have been tempted, but that is because they are amazing dogs and have been in the rescue for far too long. I haven’t wanted them in a deeper way than thinking “they deserve a home, so why not me?” of course I never could take any home. Not seriously, not with BD and although I like the idea he was my priority and so I gave as many cuddles as I could and sent up a prayer that their wait wouldn’t be too long. Totally off subject, but one of them has been waiting for 18 months – that’s far too long!! Fancy an elderly lurcher – I know just the chap!!

Since the split I have had friends and family members tell me I should get another dog, a dog of my own. I know a lot of people can’t understand why I keep seeing BD but the reason is two fold; 1. having a part time dog works really well for me right now, and b. when I first moved in with him I promised him I wouldn’t just walk away as his previous mum had. The breakdown of my exes previous relationship had been the spark that started off the aggression and I am not doing that to him. End of. Plus, he’s my boy, I love him.

The part time dog thing works really well. I have him when I can and fix my social life around seeing him. If I’m out with friends, he stays with the ex. If I’m free I have him and we spend the entire time together. I don’t have any of the cost and I also avoid the guilt, which I used to feel a lot. I hated leaving him for work every day and on an evening I would spend every minute thinking I should be with him. The ex and I used to sort out that one of us was always in, but on the odd occasions that we couldn’t I would feel so bad, it almost brought me to tears many times!

I wish I could have BD full time and if that hit I’ve taken out on the ex ever comes off (kidding) then he is mine. I will not walk away from him.

But then there is this boy. He has had a bad start to life and just needs a loving home. I could be that loving home. He would mean that I don’t go home to an empty house every night. We would cuddle on the couch and he would be mine – no one could take him away from me. But can I commit to him? Is it fair to leave him alone for 8 hours a day 5 days a week? Then what happens on the weekends I already have plans to be away, like my friends hen do, or the week that I am having BD? What happens when a friend invites me for tea at a moments notice? Is it fair that BD may have to be muzzled the entire time he is with me, when I have already promised him that he won’t be when we are in our little house? I have already promised BD the spot on my couch. He has helped me through so much and given me a reason to get up in the mornings – I can’t just walk away for something new! Although legally I have no claim to him, BD is my dog.

Yet, this boy needs a family. I wouldn’t be at constant fear that the ex will suddenly take him away. He would be mine and mine alone. I would love him, I already love him, and it would mean I don’t go home to an empty house. What if the ex decides tomorrow he’s found someone new and they don’t want me to see BD, can I pass up the other dog because of him?

Yet I would need to change the garden. I would have to build fences and block off areas which I didn’t want to do. With BD part time I had it sorted. I still live close to the exes house and have a key. The plan was he would be left in the exes secure garden when I am at work and then I would collect him on my way home. I could have my big, open plan garden. I could have the best of both worlds. Yet, with my own dog I would have to sacrifice my garden.

I contacted the rescue and asked if they would let me have him. I work full time. They were meant to say no. They were going to make the decision for me. But they didn’t. Subject to him getting on with the other dogs and me wanting him they would let me have him.

I don’t know what to do. Just when I convince myself one way I talk myself round the other way.

Any thoughts?