Worn out

I’m tired. I have loved having Bd but the early starts have started to wear me out, especially as I want to spend every moment I can with him so I haven’t been going to bed as early as I should. I have also had to factor in time with Poppy, half an hour a day with her isn’t enough but this week I’ve been struggling to find any more spare time to give her. And don’t forget that for the half hour I am cuddling her, Bd is locked in the house by himself. I feel guilty, when I am with one as part of me is overly aware that I am not with the other!

However, I have muddled through the best I can. And I have loved every minute. I hate that he has gone back today!

It all happened at the wrong time of course, it always does. Poppy wasn’t suppose to arrive only a few days before I had Bd for a week and a half. She was supposed to come in January, so I would be into a routine with her before figuring out how to look after them. So that I could easily get her to the vets for a check up, have all the right stuff for her so she could get out of her too small cage. But as with all best laid plans… Things will start improving for her now though. She is going to come in to the house on an evening – I don’t have a run, but she needs out the hutch – and we have a 9am appointment with the vet on Saturday so I can get her checked over and her nails trimmed.

And it’s not just been getting used to a having Poppy and Bd that I have been challenged with. Just to add another layer of general stress to the mix, I have ended up changing jobs this week. New hours, longer commute, a whole new challenge work wise (I am worried that are going to regret headhunting me. Yes, take a second for a small victory dance I was head hunted!!) So add new job stress to early start, late evenings and trying to find more hours in the day and you will see why this post is quite so bad!

I don’t know what is going to happen to this space. I used to write on my lunch break, but I am not sure yet if this will happened at my new place. I know that I am not going to stop writing, it helps me process things and you guys are just way to awesome to loose. But I may post less. Quality not quantity right?

As soon as I know what is going on, I will let you know. In the meantime I am thinking of you all

XX

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All in a days work!

Today is not my day. I know it is still only early (or is at the time of writing!) but I am going to go out on a limb and call it not my day!

It started off with me losing the daily “shall I get out of bed” battle. Things are… complicated… at work and I am feeling less and less appreciated or valued. Annoyingly I have this thing coping mechanism, which I have had since I was a child, where if I don’t want tomorrow to come I just stay awake all night… cause if I don’t sleep it can’t be tomorrow. I know it makes no sense, but it’s a habit I am struggling to break meaning. So I currently average 5 – 6 hours a night. I know to some of you that will seem like a lot, but for me it makes it VERY hard to get up in the morning. Add to that a cold bedroom and absolutely no desire to go to work… I am currently playing how late can I get out of bed and still make it to work on time (answer 8.30am for a 9am start!)

Then my shoe rack fell on me as I was rushing out the door on my way to work. It brought 3 pairs of shoes down on me. It didn’t hurt and more importantly it didn’t damage any of my wallpaper (yes that was my bigger concern) however it did manage to slow me down, which I really didn’t have time.

I then got into work and proceeded to blow up the kitchen!

I don’t know how I did it. I was checking on the porridge I was cooking for breakfast (there is no way I can eat and get to work in less than 20 minutes) and suddenly a microwave that was working, wasn’t. In fact the whole kitchen wasn’t working.

Luckily single life has at the very least gotten me out of the habit of thinking ‘oops’ and running to find the nearest man to fix it. So I used my detective skills and realised I had blown the fuse for the kitchen. I located the fuse box, flicked the switch and voila. However, the microwave was still broken. I tried a new fuse in the microwave, still dead. I tried another 4 fuses in the microwave and nothing – suddenly the homemade soup I had brought for lunch was looking less appetising!

7 fuses, an electrician and an entire strip down later (to clarify the microwave was stripped down by the electrician. Neither the electrician or myself thought that taking our clothes off would rectify the situation!) and the microwave has officially been labelled as dead.

It wouldn’t be so bad but this is the 3rd works microwave I have broken in a row!

Fail to Prepare…

Why is it when you make one little mistake the Universe decides to ensure that this tiny little mistake doesn’t stay small and inconsequential but takes on a life of it’s own until you are left quietly rocking and sobbing uncontrollably in the corner??

Take this morning I had a meeting at work. It was with an external agency and I was as excited as I was terrified. Having any sort of meeting is still a new experience for me and so I have had a few sleepless nights and spent about a week planning every small detail including trying on at least 3 different outfits to make sure I portray the appropriate level of carefree professional. I had Googled the time to destination, found my Sat Nav. Everything was a go.

This morning, I logged out of my computer giving myself at least double the time to get to my final destination. I nipped to the loo, only (and this may be a little bit of an over share) I have inherited my mums ‘nervous tummy’ and so I was slightly longer in the loos than planned. Although a little more stressed as I now only had had 20 minutes to do a journey Google had predicted would take 12 minutes. I grabbed my handbag, my notes for the meeting and a working pen and fled the office. Into car I plugged in my Sat Nav and panicked a little about it’s inability to find the exact location but assumed I would be safe by going to the “center of the area”. It was on an industrial state, what could go wrong?

At this point I did consider heading back into the office to print off some Google directions; something I usually always do, and I still don’t know how I failed to on this occasions! In fact I am usually so panicked that I ‘walk the streets’ to the venue and back with little Street View Man so I know exactly where I am going – I don’t know if it being a local place gave me a false sense of security?? Anyway, for the first time in my life I hadn’t.

I decided not to go back into the office. I knew it would take a while to re-load the computer, download the details and print it all off; especially considering the archaic systems my office currently runs on. Time I would rather spend getting there on time. I knew most of the route and so I thought drive, and then if I can’t find them give them a call on my mobile so that could direct me in.

About 7 minutes into my journey I realised I may be arriving a few minutes late to the meeting, and so I pulled over to give them a heads-up (at this point I was still going for calm, collected professional!) This is when the universe decided to kick me for the first time. I could not find my mobile. Turns out in my hurry to be on time I had left it sitting on my desk. At this point the panic was rising, however in a ‘gift’ from the universe at least my Sat Nav had decided it was going to work and so began to direct my to my ‘destination’. We arrived at ‘the destination’ in record time in fact I was early for my meeting. It would have been perfect only it wasn’t my location. Taking me to the middle of the area based on post code had landed me in a completely different industrial estate, I had no idea where I was, no idea where I was going and no phone to call anyone for help.

I got out of my car and walking into the nearest office building, where two men were sat talking. I told them I was lost and where I was trying to get and it turned out that I was in completely the wrong part of the city. Luckily the guys did know where I needed to go and so he talked me through the directions and drew me a little map. I asked if I could borrow his phone to call the company and advise them I may be a few minutes late. His reaction was comical; I think he may have been less surprised had I asked if I could eat his head. He spluttered out I was only a few minutes away and it wouldn’t take me long, but I kinda pushed the point a little and finally he conceded. Message about my delayed arrival left I thanked the two guys and flew out of their office. Back to the car and set off on the journey. I remembered the first few roundabouts fine but on approaching a set of traffic lights and being unsure as to whether I should go straight on or turn left I reached for the map he had drawn… only I couldn’t find it. I am certain I had it in my hand when I left the offices, but I still have no idea what has happened to it. I cannot find it in my car!

I went with my gut and headed straight across. At the next traffic lights I thought my luck had changed; there was a sign to the industrial estate I needed – I was saved! Or not.

Turns out after the sign telling me to turn left there were no other signs. I creeped along, annoying all the drivers behind me (side note: does anyone else think we should have those flashy message things on our back windscreens that the police have? I would love to be able to flash up signs that said “sorry, I know I’m being annoying but I’m lost” or “I’m driving extremely slowly as I am trying not to run out of petrol before I reach the petrol station as I didn’t have as much fuel as I thought” Just me?)  looking for the sign for the industrial estate – I remembered the guy in the office saying it would appear out of no where in this little housing estate, that I would think I had gone wrong and then it would just appear on my left. I saw a courtyard and looked around (to my left) for the sign. I couldn’t see anything telling me this was anything other than a group of houses and so I pressed on. I assumed that if this was the place I could just double back. I got to the end of the road and realised that the courtyard I had seen had to be the place so did a U-turn and set off back down the road. A man jumped in front of my car waving his arms.

Genuinely, this man went mental getting me to stop my car. I wound down the window and looked at him.; turns out it was a one way street.

I asked him for directions to get back to the beginning of the system and was told I had to go “left, then right, then second left, the another right, over the river…” I think it was about here I lost the will to live!

I would like to tell you that I followed his directions and found the place; bet your not surprised to learn I didn’t.

I gave up and went back to a section of road and knew and found my way back in, only this time pulling into the courtyard.

I was quite impressed to only finally arrive 10 minutes late for the meeting, and although I didn’t share the full horror that I had getting there sharing some of the story certainly broke the ice.

However, the best bit and probably the bit that will have jumped out to the people who I told this story to… turns out the industrial estate is in fact extremely well sign posted and on my way around the one way system for the second time I noticed a lovely large sign point directly at the courtyard; on the right!

And for my next trick……

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I couldn’t drop off, although I don’t really know why, and I woke up far too early this morning with this nagging feeling I had slept through my alarm. I knew I hadn’t, but you know when you just can’t shake that feeling? It seems to happen to me about once a month or so.

I lay in the dark for far long than I would usually. I was staying at my friends house and so unlike at mine where I roll over, check my phone and go back to sleep getting to my phone involved climbing down a ladder (I was sleeping in the top bunk of her daughters room) and navigating a toy covered floor in the dark.  So I stayed in my bed convincing myself I was being stupid and should just go back to bed, it was dark,  I couldn’t hear my friend moving about…..

After a while I decided enough was enough. So I went to check my phone – the time showed 6.59am. I had officially got out of bed one minute before my alarm went off. Would it surprise you to hear I went back to bed? Clutching my phone I climbed back up the ladder to take advantage for the snooze button a couple of times. I lay there waiting for the alarm……

7am. Silence

7.01am Silence

7.02am Silence

7.03am (well you get the picture)

No alarm.

Yep, somehow I correctly predicted that my phone alarm would falter……. I hope I have as much luck on tonights lottery numbers!!

Does the fear of making a mistake hold you back?

I’m at a crossroads; in fact I have been for quite a while. I think I have told you before how I am not fully fulfilled by my current job. But having recently found out they are bringing someone in to take over the fun aspects of my role and paying them over twice my wage for the privilege. A slight victory for me is that I have mentioned how upset I am with various managers and when I was told that their intention is I learn from this person and they almost made it sounds like I would finally take over the role. However, I have been promised things before so I am not holding my breath.

I haven’t been happy for a while and had I stayed with the ex my intention was to go back to school to re-train. The plan was short term he supported us both with the view to a long term financial gain for the both of us but that ain’t happening.

So now I have to decide by myself and more scarily financially support myself through this as well. I had planned on giving myself a year and look at training this time next year after I had been settled in my house for a while and knew better where I was. I decided I would investigate each potential job fully and even look at some work experience in the role before fully committing but I do worry that I am never going to make the move.

I am terrified of making the wrong choice. It may sound silly but with a hope of children in the not so distant future I am aware that I need to have spent a number of months or years in a role before being eligible for maternity leave. Then consider my hope to significantly reduce if not totally stop working once I have kids and I don’t know if I will have time to achieve my new career dreams. So I think stay where I am until I have had kids and then re-train when they reach school age, but it could be a long time until I have kids. I know that anyone older than me reading this will tell me not to worry, I’m still young, there is still time but right now it doesn’t feel like it. I feel like I have a massive decision to make and it’s all on me. The ex was always very good at advising and helping me way up situations – hell it’s part of his job. I know I could ask for his help, but I can’t I have to make this decision on my own…. and I just don’t know.

Part of me thinks it’s only 12 months. Just give it 12 months and then start looking. But that’s 12 months of hating my job and clock watching, working alongside someone who is doing the job I want, the job I am partly doing on significantly more money. Talk about feeling undervalued.

I don’t know what to do and it is freaking me out. I can’t make a decision and I just don’t know.

I’ve been through so much over the last 12 months, hell over the last 5 years that part of me wants to tell just stop for a while. But I don’t feel like I have that option. I need to strike now, while the irons hot.. I just have no idea where to strike!

Um, anyone hiring?

Need to do better

If I’m honest I am struggling a little. Getting my house ready is taking over my life. My daily routine is alarm clock…hit the snooze button….hit the snooze button….hit the snooze button..take into account that this is the last time it will go off so force myself awake and wait until an acceptable time to get out of bed. I don’t know about you but I will only get up at 6.40, 6.45, 6.50 etc if I am for 6.45 and look at my clock and it says 6.46 well I juts have to lie in bed until 6.50. Just me??

ha ha it's true!
ha ha it’s true!

At the moment this little wake up routine sees me jump into the shower and throw on some closes in just under 10 minutes. I stopped wearing make up for work and stuff about the time of the break up. I was hoping it would help sort out my skin, it hasn’t massively but I’m not bothered about switching back, it’s a little liberating and now I have a slightly healthy colour so on days when my skin is playing ball I quite like the ‘natural beauty’ thing! I grab my handbag and my lunch and head out the door. Work until lunchtime. Then try and come up with something witty and insightful to say whilst I eat my lunch, try to catch up with blogger friends. Realise I should have been researching something for the house, abandon catching up with people or my post and sort out ‘important grown up job’. Feel bad for not giving you guys the time and effort you deserve.

Finish lunch, work till home time. Try to get out of the door at work as close to home time as possible and head to the house. Do some form of DIY until Dad arrives with my tea (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, currently my dad is cooking and bringing my tea to me at the house). Do DIY until about 8pm, clean up til 8.30pm head back to folks house about 9.20pm. Say hello to mum and Mity and as I currently have the mother of all colds go to bed.

I feel that I should be doing better with so many aspects of my life right now. My friends are amazing, but seeing them means a night away for the house and so they are all on hold until my house is sorted, unless it’s their birthday in which case the house goes on hold. My job does not inspire me, hence the morning routine and I feel stuck.

I want me life to matter. I want to feel that it matters that I wake up in the morning but right now I feel everything is on hold. I want to do more with my blog, I want to do more with my life. But I have responsibilities now..I have bills and a mortgage and so I cross another day out of my diary and move onto the next one.

I want more than this. I need to step up… but I don’t know what I am stepping up too!

Writers block

Why when I am not sure what to say does crap just flow from my fingers? I have spent most of the day at work starring at an empty word document trying desperately to come up with 400 words which not only form some coherent sentences, but will be passed as high quality by various publishers and newsy type people.

I have a deadline, I have a rough theme in my head but the words will not come out. I have tried doing other tasks. I have made and drunk enough coffee to sink a small battle ship. I have made numerous trips to the loo when the coffee has reached my bladder. In fact just hold that thought…..excuse me …that’s better.

Nothing is helping. But that just won’t cut it I have a deadline, I have a word count and so I am trying to just put anything onto paper and then improve on it later. This has led to me composing such nuggets as

“we are in demand, not only throughout this country, but within the rest of the world” (WTF?)

“We look forward to dipping our toe into the pool of …..”(God knows where I was looking forward to dipping the toe)

“proving popular with boys and girls alike” (just yuck!)

“not content with x, they visualised… (again no idea where it was going, I didn’t bother finishing the sentence just hit delete!)

On the positive I have just realised that he bottom left of my word document displays my running word count. This means that going forward I do not need to find the word count tool in the top navigation menu thing I would celebrate but I am too busy holding my head in shame, you see I use word daily and have done for more years that I care to remember – has it always done that??

Now what am I going to do?

It’s 9.05am and I am already sick to death of my job and counting down the hours until I can leave. Which is case you were wondering is 7 hours 55 minutes or 453 minutes or if you would prefer 27180 seconds.

I always wanted to do something that mattered with me life. I studied hard(ish) I went to Uni, passed my degree with a 2:1 and then got a job in the role I had trained very hard for. So the job wasn’t quite as I imagined, but on the whole I was doing a job that mattered. The long hours I put in, well for a start they got a guy locked up for assault for 5 years and I loved that my job mattered. I mattered.

Then the bullying worsened and I went through hell. The mind games my then boss played on me… well let’s just say they still affect me to this day and I am still having counselling as a result. I was advised by 3 different doctors that for health reasons I could never return to that work environment, and when my employer decided not to properly investigate my bullying complaint I was let with no choice. I told them where to stick their job and on Christmas eve I walked out. I was a mess. The guy had bullied any feeling of confidence or self-worth out of me. I felt I couldn’t do the job I had studied hard for; I felt I couldn’t do anything.

I did some part time jobs waiting for something more permanent and then I saw an advert for the place I currently work, and you wanna know why I applied for it? Because it was close to where the ex worked and I hoped it would one day lead to us living together. Yep, it was only months into our relationship and yet I was so confident that he was the one that I applied for a job which (yes I am going to sound big headed, but it was pointed out in my interview so…) I was significantly over-qualified for.

This place hasn’t all been bad. The people are lovely, and I do have days where I really love my job. I have been amazingly lucky that they have supported my development, sent me on courses and help me get my head slightly more together. However, I am aware for my current role I am significantly underpaid. This isn’t me just complaining I need more money, I have had a look at similar jobs and I am at least 30 grand under where I should be. I work stupidly long hours, which when taken into account with my current rate of pay I barely make minimum wage and all of that wouldn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for the fact that at the end of the day I’m working my ass off to make some rich people richer.
I have been unhappy for a long time. I have attended interviews at other companies but I worry that will leave me in the same place, granted with more money, but still doing a pointless job.
Then one day I came up with a plan. He had bought a house he could afford without my wage (part of the security he needed for when we lived together) and so my plan was to discuss with him my returning to Uni to retrain. I had it all planned, I would need him to support me while I became a full time student again (although I wouldn’t give up work fully, so that I could still contribute to the house) and then when I qualified and got a decent job we would both be financially better off and I would be doing a job I loved. It felt like a win win situation.

Only I never got to put that plan to him. We never did have that conversation. And now I am alone with a mortgage to pay and I feel trapped. I need a monthly pay check. I am barely going to be able to cope to cover the bills when I do finally move into my house and I feel trapped.

Trapped in a job I don’t like.

Trapped in a life I don’t want.

O god I messed up the company card!!

Where I work isn’t known for being particularly warm and fuzzy. It is by no mean as bad as the last place I worked, and everyone is very lovely but everyone is so over-worked there is very little conversation (in fact whole days have gone past when I haven’t spoken to anyone) and there is no out of hours socialising. We don’t do Christmas cards, we don’t do going out for a Christmas party, we don’t do anything.

There have been rare occasions where I have tried (with limited success) to drag some life into the office. But there is only some many times you can try to light a fire and have it peed on before you just except that things won’t change, work will not be fun, and you just suck it up and pray for the hours to pass so that your life can begin.

However, this time someone else has taken an initiative and as someone has a big birthday coming up a card has been passed round the office for us all to sign. (I think we should go one better and all club in for some flowers but as I am alone in that thinking it’s not going to happen!) I digress.
So the card was put on my desk and I had a matter of moments to write my birthday message. I won’t just write ‘Happy Birthday’ I think it lacks originality and shows no really thought or meaning so I always like to put my own comment and so..on this ladys 50th birthday card…don’t worry you don’t look a day over 49!
I thought it was funny, I wrote it in jest and the I signed my name, put a kiss and handed the card back……..and totally freaked out! What have I done?? What if she isn’t fine with turning 50 and my card brings on floods of tears rather than the well-meaning chuckle I have intended. It’s gone there, there is nothing I can do to amend it or make it better.

Is this a harmless, well-meant comment or do you think I need to start job hunting??

Office Dogs

One good thing about my place of employment is that people are allowed to bring their pets into work with them. Well some people are. I’m not, but other people are. I don’t really know what the official rules are for being allowed to bring your pet in to the office with you. It seems to just be made up on a person by person rule and I’m just not one of the ‘in’ people. Anyway I digress.

Obviously, all the upper management are allowed to bring in their pets, and sometimes when they are too busy we ‘riff raff’ are allowed to look after their pets and take them out for short walks. Being allowed to escape your desk for a few minutes to get some fresh air and walk a dog is brilliant and something I really enjoy and was a definite perk. Well it was until recently; recently it seems that if I head out the door with any of the dogs’ hilarity ensues. My only concern is if this happens and more frequently so will my p45!!

The first time incident happened when I was asked to walk multiple dogs at once. Usually not a problem, but on this day I headed out with the two dogs having been assured that only one needed to be on a lead. I had explained I would be happier having them both on a leash but I was assured that they would be fine and as there was only the one lead in the office I didn’t really have a choice.

The walk started well and I was beginning to relax when the off lead dog discovered someone’s discarded lunch and decided he would finish what they hadn’t wanted. I initially tried calling him away, but surprise surprise I was not as exciting as whatever the hell had been left – don’t ask I don’t know and wouldn’t eat it!! So I went over to encourage him with a gentle pull on his collar. However with a gentle pull the collar came off.

I must admit I panicked slightly. Luckily the mess on the floor held his attention while I snuck up behind him and managed to sort of hoopla his head with the collar. However a second attempt at moving him along, soft tug on the collar with a gentle nudge from behind (while keeping second dog clear of the lunch) had little effect. I couldn’t pull too hard without running the risk of the collar coming off a second time. I was now worrying what was he eating, what effects would it have and so I gave him a slightly stronger shove and proceeded to stand over the lunch pushing his head away. He took the hint and bounded off across the car park to go and say hello to the big shiny black car which was reversing towards him. I screamed the dog’s name, which he ignored, and ran across the car park flapping my arms like some sort of idiot hoping the driver would notice and stop – he did. But my run, flap, scream technique also attracted the attention of all my co-workers and the dog’s owner, my big boss!

Since then, whenever a dog has needed a walk I insist on having them all leashed no matter how ‘good’ they are. Lesson learnt. The next incident happened with a different dog; he has a tendancy for running off and so does not get out of the door without a long leash. We were quite happily walking along him sniffing the sniffs, me stressing about my work load, until he spotted a rabbit at the far side of the car park. He took off with me following after him… across rough ground…. with heels on. He was still on the end of the leash, barking his head off and pulling determinedly after the retreating rabbit. We turned the corner and I was pleased to see that the rabbit had vanished and so we continued with the walk. Until we discovered the hiding place of said rabbit and then all hell broke loose.

I screamed as the frightened rabbit panicked and jumped, landing on top of a very startled dog who didn’t quite know what to do as the object of the chase had so easily given itself up. I froze and said a quick prayer that the rabbit would not get eaten. It didn’t. The rabbit composed itself and hoped in the right direction away from the barking dog that decided to go bat shit crazy on the end of the lead running back and forth trying to get at it. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked round the corner into a Harris hawk which was been exercised in our car park.

The bird clocked the dog, screeched and without a moments thought for my own safely I stepped in front of the dog, grabbed it into my arms and ran full pelt into the office. Where I announced I am done walking the office dogs!