Anything I can do, she can do better…

Despite the ‘blip’ the other day, I am genuinely in a really good place and extremely happy with my life. I have great friends, an amazing family, my three little loves and you guys…what more does a girl need?!

My lightning bolt moment of realising it won’t happen until it’s supposed to has made me much more chilled and I am focusing on enjoying now. I am having so much fun that if it happens, ok but if it doesn’t then I will survive, adapt and be ok with that too.

However, along this happy with my life road it would appear there are hurdles I have to overcome. Little waves that rock me to my core and replace the “everything is perfect” with “OMG, I am a complete failure, who is dying alone. My ovaries are drying up and I will never have a baby, or feel love again, or go on holiday.”

As my friends develop with their lives, I can’t help but feel like I am the one being left behind. If this was a race I have barely left the start line while other people seem to be crossing the finish. This happened last night, I got the most amazing text from one of my closest, oldest friends. She is going to be a mum.

I am beyond happy for her. She is going to be a brilliant mum and I can’t wait to meet her kid. We have been friends since we were 11 years old. We sat together and dreamed about her man, my man, our kids growing up together… and despite her moving too far away for my liking I know that she will always be in my life, and I in hers.

Yes, as much as her news made me actually whoop out loud. It also made me feel a bit sad for a fleeting moment. Last year she got married, now she is going to be a mum. Whereas I just became a single parent to a rabbit, and I thought that made me grown up. In the scheme of things I don’t even come close…

I worried she would leave me behind. That this new adventure for her would be a step too far for me to reach. I have coped with the idea of my friends been married, enough of them have done that, our friendships have survived that. But she is the first to become a mum, and for a moment I worried that tis change would mean I would lose her.

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I feel nothing.

The exs’ grandfather died last night. He had reached a good age, and was always on deaths door for as long as I knew him…but I can’t help but feel like I should feel, well anything, at receiving this news. Only I don’t.

I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel…anything. I knew this guy for over 3 years, thought of him as family at one point and yet I feel nothing at the news of his passing.

I worry I should. Shouldn’t I feel something? I mean I am not expecting tears but to feel nothing at all. It makes me worry I am heartless, or cold.

And I am struggling to offer him any support or help. Of course I sent an ‘I’m really sorry’ text when he texted me with the news, and I have asked him to pass on my love to the various family members. But I find that I don’t want to do more. I don’t want to offer to help, I don’t want to offer (huge amounts of) comfort in anyway. He didn’t want me in that role and I am not going to fall back into it now just because he is hurting.

All I can tell him is that ‘time is a great healer’ because it is true. Time (and finding out he was a lying bastard) healed my broken heart, time…and not me…will mend theirs!

How much would you pay to keep a friend?

Turns out the age old advice is true, money can muck up friendships. It’s happened to me. In Uni I had a friend ring me in a panic. She was broke and the house she was living in had burst its pipes and she needed to borrow £50 to pay for a plumber. She explained she couldn’t got to her folks because they would be livid about her spending all her money and so she asked if I could loan it to her. She had been a friend for years, pre-Uni and so I didn’t hesitate. I’m still waiting for her to pay me back. The few times we met up after I gave her the loan she always had an excuse as to why she couldn’t pay me back. Slowly I gave up, the friendship faltered as a little bit of me resented her not paying me back. The money didn’t matter. Ok the money shouldn’t have mattered.

She got in contact about 6 months ago, out of the blue, via Facebook. She said it was a shame that we had lost contact and thought it would be fun to meet up again, could I do coffee? I told her I would love to meet again, but as the conversation progressed I found I couldn’t not raise the fact she owed me money. She was gushing about wondering why it all went wrong and I wanted to start with a clean slate so I mentioned the fact she owed me the £50. Turns out she can’t remember me even lending her the money. I mentioned the pipes, told her the thing that annoyed me was the time she was on route to meet me, called me from the cash machine and still couldn’t find it in her to withdraw even a tenner for me as a ‘I’m starting the pay you back’ gesture. She apologised, was mortified that it had been something so small that had ruined a fab friendship. So I asked when she wanted to do that coffee. I’m still waiting on her response.

So £50 to find out a friend wasn’t really a friend, in the scheme of things it doesn’t seem like a too bad rate. Technically I’ve saved on birthday cards, gifts so I’m probably financially better off.

My concern is I think it may be about to happen again.

I have music lessons once a week with a guy who I met through a mutual friend. But over the years my ‘music teacher’ became a close friend. He turned up on my door step (with chocolates) to take me out to lunch and cheer me up when the soldier I was dating was re-located to another country. He’s supported me at various events and I thought we had a solid friendship. Then, slowly I started seeing him less. I’d ask him to do something and he would be ‘busy’ but then turn up when another friend made the same invite. It became a standing joke that he only saw me when I was paying him. The problem is, to me, it wasn’t a joke. I genuinely started to feel like I didn’t matter. I introduced him to various family members who also wanted music lessons and now I feel he is more their friend then mine. I find out his news from them, he seems to be constantly on the phone to them and I feel forgotten about. He has had a bad 12 months and I know he has a lot going on, but still I feel left out.

I have raised this with him and we had a massive clear the air argument – I admitted I thought I was losing him. He told me I couldn’t lose him but also told me he hated the ex, can’t understand why I’m not over him and has asked me not to mention him (the ex) again in his presence. This completely threw me as the multiple times they met they always got on so well together and to be banned from talking about something I am struggling with sucks. So now when I see him I am ‘fine’; there’s no point telling him otherwise.

So the friendship is on the rocks and I genuinely don’t know what’s going to happen. But just for added complexness I pay him monthly for music lessons and I am worried about whether or not I am getting value for money.

Now to clarify, he is an amazing teacher. I have improved so much since I started having lessons; my complaint is not with his skill. It’s more with us having a very lax approach to payment. Basically he tells me when I owe him money and I pay. The problem is this approach means I don’t know exactly how many lessons I have in between each payment. I used to pay for X lessons but recently for his own financial reasons he has switched to monthly; but I’m unsure as to where the month starts and ends. For example he is getting just under £50 tonight but because I cancelled one and he is on holiday for another I am only having 2 lessons in the next 4 weeks. If this is £50 for 2 lessons then with my own financial worries I don’t know if I can afford this. Plus as we have a catch up chat at the start of a lesson, although I pay for half an hour there are occasions where I have walked out having gone through one song.

I don’t think he is ripping me off. When I lost my job, he cut his rates and was so brilliant about helping me continue lessons while I got back on my feet. I don’t want to bail on him now when I can afford his lessons as my ‘weekly treat’. But with money tight, I want to make sure I am getting value for money.
I know I should raise this with him, but with the friendship already on a shoe string I’m scared.

I’m back (as promised!)

Well that was an eye opening few days. It has involved some good laughs, a few eye opening moments, quite a few tears (mine) another deep and meaningful with the ex (which he kinda started) and a couple of irate phone calls to yet another crappy energy company. And after all of that I feel like I’m in quite a good place at the moment.

Having my friend come to stay was a mixed blessing. He is such a sweet lovely guy…….. and yet a little bit of me was relieved to see him go. In a weird (and slightly cruel)  twist of fate living with this guy for a week made me realise how good I had it with the ex. My friends heart was very much in the right place and we did have some good times, but I struggled with finding stuff for us to do, struggled to find things that he would eat and in all honesty, although I appreciated that he has spent a lot of money on tickets to come and see me, started to resent that he didn’t offer to financial contribute to anything when he was here.

On the first evening we hit the supermarket to sort food for the week. Everything in the basket was to feed us both for the week, and then he grabbed a few additional bits for himself. He paid for the few items he had selected. I paid for the rest. I wouldn’t have taken any money from him, he was my guest, but I would have appreciated the offer.

Unfortunately this shopping trip set the tone for the week.

We went somewhere. I drove. I paid for parking. We had pre-booked ticket to the theater, I ended up paying for them both. He nipped into the shop to buy a few additional items and grabbed a baking tray for me (cost £3) he asked for the £3 back.

Not once did he offer to pay for anything. No offer to pay for the food I was eating, no offer to pay my entrance fee for the places we visited and when he went he took the ‘additional items’ he had bought back with him.

I have to admit this changed my attitude and my usual generous nature started to vanish. I became withdrawn and moody. I felt so guilty and grumpy.

Add to that my friend seemed to spend a lot of time playing on his phone and at times I was about ready to snap.

Another slight problem was his answer to the question “what do you want to do?”. The response ‘I don’t mind’ although considerate, leads to you both sitting in front of the tv for hours on end watching nothing, achieving nothing…… until one of you starts playing on your phone again!!

This lead to my heart to heart with the ex. I was worried that some of the traits I was seeing in my friend were the traits that had lead to the split.  I have been known on occasion to answer ‘I don’t mind’ when asked what I want to do, and I know the ex often put his hand in his pocket when we went out (although this was partly due to his wage packet being larger than mine!) At times I was feeling less than appreciated but my friend didn’t seem to realise. I am sure had I said something to him he would have been mortified but I didn’t want to raise it and part of me thought, maybe tomorrow he is planning on doing something. It made me wonder if this is how the ex used to feel? Was I as clueless as my friend? Had I without realising it made him feel half as bad as I did?

So I sent the ex a message. I said if I had ever made him feel like this I was sorry, I had not realised and it was not my intention. This lead to a longer conversation and truth be told I feel better for clearing the air.

I don’t know if it was him telling me he isn’t coming back (despite everything I still hope…. sometimes) if it was just the fact that for the first time in months we were having a proper conversation or if it is just the sun shining through the window and me going home to my lovely little house tonight, but today I am looking forward and feeling positive.

 

 

So what’s new with you?

One evening a friend and I were sat discussing the various shit men in our lives when she commented that she was concerned that she was becoming one of those people who only pours out their problems on people and never stops to ask how that person is.

This struck a chord.

And so as I have done a fair amount of pouring on you guys for the last few days. Pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of tea or a sneaky glass of wine and let me know how life is treating you??!

A bottle of wine and a really good friend.

Last night I had a lovely girlie night in with one of my closest friends. Turns out fate or whoever it is who decides to screw up our lives had the same dislike of me and her at the exact same time and the week I moved out of my house her own relationship ended and she moved into her own flat.

It has been brilliant to have someone going through the exact same emotions as me, or at least very similar. It would appear that our ex’s are now outdoing themselves to prove which is the biggest ass, and it may surprise you to learn that hers is now winning by a wide margin, although me and mine are having a ‘chat’ next week. I called him out on being full of it and he has uttered the immortal lines “we need to talk” so there is a date in the diary and well no doubt you guys will hear all about it.

The last few years haven’t always been plain sailing, and although we haven’t fallen out there was a period when our friendship was tested almost to breaking point. However it looks like we are past that and our friendship is now stronger than ever.

That being said I was slightly worried last night. You see we met at, let’s say dance class, and recently due to circumstances we have both left said dance class. Now previously when we have met up with have had that common thread to join us together and we have always had that to fall back on when conversations have dried up. And looking back through the years, as this class took up a lot of time we were seeing each other weekly but never really outside of class (other than lifts to and from class, or tea before class). I hate to admit but with the fall out and the joining thread gone I was worried that we may not have anything to talk about. Once we had finished slagging off our respective partners, our jobs and everything else we could think of where would the conversation go?

Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Once you have slagged off every man and his dog (although clearly not the dogs as I love all animals and any faults are clearly the man’s doing anyway!) you pull on your Pjs, finish off the bottle of wine, put on a slightly weird film and just be.
If that’s how we celebrate a Tuesday night, I bet you can’t wait to hear about the brilliant plans we have for Valentine’s Day. Although only in the planning stages so far we have copious amounts of wine, a zombie infestation board game and some men hating films – anyone wanna join?

I kissed a toad.

Today I was unsure as to what I was going to write. I had many different topics in my head but they never really went anywhere but then I went to visit Mum’s the Word and read this post. Unfortunately this means that I am taking a step away from the positive place I was trying to be in (did you not notice?) and instead I am once again asking for your support.

I have briefly told you about the various guys in my past who have managed to mess me up and I referenced the toad and the fact he has found his latest ‘target’. Well despite having no contact with the toad I am still Facebook friends with his current ‘target’ and the friendship group that we shared until his true colours were outted. Last night I found out that the toad, his ‘target’ and all of ‘our’ friends went out at the weekend and I wasn’t invited and they are now planning a second evening out and yet again my name has been left off the invite list.

To be brutally honest I want nothing to do with him and have no intentions of having anything to do with him ever again, but the people he is hanging around with I thought were my friends. In their defence I don’t know what they have been told about why me and his other victim will have nothing to do with him, I am sure he has told quite the yarn, but his ‘target’ and one of her friends know everything. They know the dark details, the way he lied, they were warned to take care and keep away. It makes me feel like they don’t believe me, it makes me feel like they don’t value me.

I know I should not let it bother me and just walk away and get on with my life. But I lost my job because of a bully, why should I know loose my friends because of this tw@?!

Oops

I know I have said this before but it really isn’t easy being me. Without even trying I seem to get myself into situations where I end up in some situation which could easily be featured on a soap or some sort of comedy sitcom – well they could be but no-one would believe them!

This happened yet again to me today. The day started off pretty well, for the first time in a while I had slept the night through and woke up ahead of my alarm feeling refreshed and ready for the day (this should have been my first warning). I snoozed my alarm a couple of times. I factor this snooze addiction in to alarm set time and therefore set my alarm 15 minutes before I need to get up so that I can snooze multiple times and still not be late. So I got up on time and heading into the bathroom – this is where my morning fell apart!

I spent 35 minutes in the bathroom. Yep I you read that right, I spent 35 minutes in the bathroom. Even now I have no idea how! I did have a new toothbrush that I was using, and I did wash my hair but I am normally out between 10 – 20 minutes, so what was I doing to use up those extra 15 minutes?
I got out of the shower the time I normally leave the house. Just because the world is that way out today I then couldn’t find my trousers for work. Those I could find still had the labels attached (they were bought from a supermarket without trying on, and I am waiting until I have a thin day to try them) so I decided to wear the same skirt as yesterday but this meant finding a different top. By this point I was very late!
I raced out of the house (literally) and down the road to my car. Prayed for good traffic, turned the corner and ran into the first of many queues of traffic – grr!

At this point I knew I was going to be at least 10 minutes late for work and so (whilst stationary – for all those law enforcement officers out there!) I grab my phone and shot of a quick text to my office manager, explaining I was late, that I would make up the time at the end of the day and I was sorry. I put the phone back on the passenger seat. I noticed that my bosses name hadn’t come up as it normally does, but I don’t know any other ‘Daves’ and so I shrugged it off and continued driving to work maintaining the correct speed limit at all times! ;0)

I arrived at work, only a little late, and apologised to my boss asking if he’d received my text. He said no. At this point I went back into my bag to find my phone to check the message had definitely sent; it had. However I don’t know about you, but I have a smart phone where it merges your entire life together (which I really hate) and automatically adds anyone who has their phone number on that well know social network into my contact list. I’m not very fussy with my friends list on this network. I never share anything that I wouldn’t be willing to shout from the roof tops and I have very few personal details on it.
So my friends lists including people who I don’t particularly know, people who I last spoke to some year ago, exes that where promises of continued friendships were made, guys I meet on nights out and don’t want to give my phone number to and one guy who was a very good friend, but we stopped talking about 5 years ago. We stopped talking because I told him I fancied him and asked if he fancied going out on a date. We stopped talking because despite me thinking I was reading signs that he felt that same way he wasn’t. We stopped talking because although I could deal with that, knew how he felt and was happy to move on as friends he couldn’t (which I so get as I think if roles were reversed I would have been the same!). We stopped talking 5 years ago……until this morning. This morning I text him out of the blue to tell him that I was running late for work!

Pet Blogger Gift Exchange – American Dog Blog

I signed up for the gift exchange not being 100% certain of what to expect. Being me having signed up I panicked that the poor person paired with me would look at my blog and think they had been stuck with the ‘Christmas Turkey’. Although I am lucky enough to be sat here today with BD nudging my arm as I type and Mity in the next room I don’t know if I qualify as a pet blogger. I didn’t know if anyone has been turned down for any of the past pet blogger exchanges – but I was terrified that I would be the first!!

However, not only was I accepted (whoop!) but I have been given the most wonderful exchange ‘gift’ as I was paired with the amazing Dawn from American Dog Blog.

The Gang from American Dog Blog
The Gang from American Dog Blog

Now I must apologise to Dawn, my crazy hectic life has distracted me slightly and so I have not spent as much time on your blog as I would have liked or intended to. This means that I am struggling slightly to share much about Dawn as a pet blogger or the lovely Maya and Pierson, I can’t shed shed light on their relationship or list some recommended reads from her blog.

However I can wax lyrical about the wonderful Dawn as a truly amazing person. There is no need to mention the current issues i have going on, however I can tell you that Dawn has been amazingly supportive and kind, even when I have moaned to her about the same thing for what must feel like the 1000th time! I value Dawn so much and I am so so pleased that fate (aka Pamela) has brought us together.

Dawn is a girl after my own heart and we seem to have a lot in common. If she didn’t live so far away I am certain we would spend many a fantastic evening sharing tears and laughter over a bottle of wine…or three! Dawn has become someone who I know I can turn to when the going get tough and she embodies everything that is great about the bogging community. Her heart and kindness is evident as is her passion…… and I really worry that I am not doing her justice with this post.

As part of the exchange we were supposed to exchange gifts, but as she lives in America – the clue is sort of in the name – and I don’t we decided instead that we would donate our gifts to a local rescue. As I am just beyond rubbish I am yet to make my donation, but I was so pleased that Dawn was happy to bend the rules slightly with me and that we became rebels together.

I could wax lyrical about how amazing Dawn is, but instead I want to encourage you to stop by the American Dog Blog. As trust me you want this lady in your life!!

Pierson and Maya
Pierson and Maya

My name is Lauranne…and I am a Christian.

So the phone call from OH seems to have set off a chain reaction in my life and where things that were all falling together they are once again falling apart.

The house – The house was idea. It was a one bedroom terrace house, with an open fire and really low rent. I wanted it before I had seen it. It would have been ideal, close enough to work and the town that I would only need to get my car out if I was visiting my folks. It was cheap enough that I would have been able to save while renting, and it meant that I could spend some time figuring out my life before looking at a more permanent move. I was excited, and it felt slightly like things were starting to work out… and then I got a phone call (this time not from OH) saying the tenant was applying for a mortgage and if they couldn’t get a mortgage they would be staying for 6 more months. I told the agents that I would still be interested if there was this short delay, as it would mean I could save for 6 months so if they could keep me informed. I heard nothing, and so today I contacted them and it would appear that the tenant is staying for the foreseeable future. This house was £200 cheaper than anything else I have looked at, so now I am stuck at home saving for the next few months. Feeling like there was an end in sight helped massively, now I am more aware of the thought of well if I stay with my folks for a few years I will say more – I don’t want to get my feet to under the table, if I do I will still be there in 10 years’ time – but I can’t cut off my nose to spite my face so for the moment I am just in limbo!

The friends – Well it would appear that one friend (friend number 1) in particular is just being a little weird. I know that he is going through his own stuff at the moment, but he seems to be going out of his way to stir trouble between me and a second friend (friend number 2). He is flying off the handle if I say anything to him, assuming the worst and conversations that I thought were being had in confidence are being shared with this other friend (friend number 2) and I am worried it is starting to affect that friendship. Add to it that friend number 1 was there when I had my breakdown due to bullying and I just don’t know what his game is.

Work – Well where do I start with work. I have a love hate relationship with my work, I was hired in in an entry level position, however I have been quickly promoted (yeah) but not everyone seems to have recognised my new role. The new role has just added a load of (much more fun) work, on top of the old stuff I used to do and the term not enough hours in the day was invented for me. Add to that the office layout has recently changed; all desks are now in pairs or groups of three. All except mine, which is alone, in the corner, facing the wall. I go hours at a time without anyone talking to me (and I’m not making this up, I have timed it!)

One of the things I am finding the hardest through all this is my faith. I feel out with the church a long time ago ( a story for another time) but despite everything I have gone through I have kept my faith. However I don’t know if that makes this harder. I strongly believe (hell I know) that there is a God up there, looking down on my life and weeping tears with me when he sees me cry. I also know that there is the devil, and that he is responsible for most of the shit that I am currently going through.
The bit that hurts is that I know God is all powerful and if he wanted to he could wave his hand (or do whatever his magic move is) and sort all this out for me. Take away my pain and suffering or hell even give me a break or just have one small thing go right so I start to feel I am climbing out of this slump.

But he doesn’t want to…..?!