A letter to my Ex’s new girlfriend

I have to admit to having similar thoughts

The Fickle Heartbeat

open letter

Shared by soinessence

Dear New Girlfriend,

I hear you’ve been curious about me. Wondering what I’m like. Probably hoping I’m as bad as you wish I am. I wonder if your thoughts dwell on me as much as mine dwell on you.

Possibly not.

You should know that I was you once – or more accurately, I was in your position.

Four years ago, I met someone. He was charming and extremely handsome with these piercing, round blue eyes and tanned skin. But along with that, he was kind, sincere and I could feel his vulnerabilities as if I was holding them in my own hands.
Night after night, we would stay up and talk about everything. Life, our pasts, our dreams. Somewhere between the sober shyness and memory-lapsing inebriation of our first week together, I began to fall for this guy. But, like you, the start of our…

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I’ve moved!

Just a very quick update to let you know I have taken the leap and gone self-hosted, so you can now find me here:

http://www.25castleson25clouds.co.uk/

It’s very early days, so bare with me whilst I get it up to scratch! And one favour, if you don’t receive notifications of new posts (and would still like too!) let me know and I will figure out what I have broked (As something is bound to have been broken!)

Will I ever move on?

So the other night I was satying around watching ‘Into the Woods’ with my folks when suddenly the memory flooded back.

It must have been months ago.

Just after into the woods hit the cinema ,it came to my local Odeon and my folks came up to see it. My sister had Mity for the evening as it was a weekend when I’d had Bd. (Before the idiot ex took him from me!)

Bd and I walked my folks to the cinema, cuddled on the settee for a few hours, and then headed back to collect them.

I still remember that lady who talked to him whilst we were stood outside the cinema waiting for the film to finish.  The way he lent into me for reassurance.  The way my heart swelled with pride when he overcame his fear and let the strange lady say hello…

I couldn’t stop them. The tears fell.

Sat in my folks front room I remembered the feel of him, the warmth when he used to cuddle close to me, the smell of his paws, his big floppy ears. I realised that never again will his smile poke round the bathroom door.  Never again will I touch or cuddle him… and the tears wouldn’t stop.

Will I ever get past this?  Will I ever remember him and not have my heart break?

I hate my ex for taking Bd from me, and always will. But I worry how little I am over this.  I know it will always hurt but to not be able to hold back the tears. .. I know I’d had a glass or two. But is this my future I drink more than a glass of wine and cry?  That doesn’t feel fair somehow.

That moment when you realise you have a reputation!

I have to admit to being a little excited yesterday when I was approached by Charlie who wanted to collaborate with me on a blog post. Eeek!

We all have the dream right, make enough money from the blog so we can retire um, I mean slightly reduce hours obvs. (Just in case the new boss is reading – love my new job by the way!) and dedicate our lives to looking after animals in need, with spare time being spent tending the vegetable patch or playing with the children. Obviously in this dream it is always brilliant sunshine, so I will probably need to move… I feel this is very much a pipe dream! Anyway, I digress.

When I was approached by Charlie I have to admit to feeling a little thrill, he wanted to discuss bedding with me, and straight away I am a little ashamed to admit I thought “score, new set of bed linen for the spare room” however a few conversations in and it became obvious that this was a small start-up and there would be no freebie of any kind. However, I told him I would still be willing to learn more, and that, my dear friends is when he showed me this:

Um.. maybe not suitable for the guest bedroom after all!
Um.. maybe not suitable for the guest bedroom after all!

Yep, Charlie is in the process of creating sex position bed linen and apparently I was his go to gal for this very project. I feel it was Google and the cookie cutters that lead him to me. But yes, apparently now you hear the words “sex position and bed linen” and you think of me… or maybe not. Does that sound wrong?To clarify I am not asking you all to think of me when you hear either the words bed linen and definitely not sex position, as I’ll be honest that’s a little weird and I just don’t think our friendship is at that stage right yet!

However, the idea of me being the go to ‘sex position bed linen (I feel I am overusing that phrase somewhat!) gal’ amused me so much, I just had to share with you all.

So what do you think? Would you invest? Would you buy it?

Laura = Issues

Today while typing a message to a friend, predictive text decided to change Laura to Issues….. I couldn’t help to think to myself yep you’ve got that right!!!

I am a big worrier. In fact I am one of those worriers who worry when they have nothing to worry about (I think I inherited that from my mother!) Raoul and I had a tiny misunderstanding over the weekend. He thought a status I had put on Facebook was a subtle dig at him for being called into work at the last minute. It wasn’t.

However, his reaction and the way he handled this ‘slight’ had me worrying.

Looking back, re-reading my blog posts has shown me exactly how much of an ass my ex was. If I sent him a text and he didn’t understand it, that was my fault for not being clear enough. If I was asleep and he wasn’t, my fault. If I was awake and he was trying to get to sleep.. you get the picture. I couldn’t do right for trying.

I don’t want to be in the position again.

So I worry. I take one small thing and blow it up to a huge thing; does this reaction mean he is high maintenance? Does this reaction mean he will leave? If he walks away now, how will I ever trust myself or anyone else ever again?

I take something tiny and it becomes huge.

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to keep having panics over this relationship due to my past. A few small worries are normal, but I don’t still want the past affecting my future.

How do I move on?

How do I finally put my past relationship to bed once and for all?

Raoul is not my ex. Hell my ex couldn’t even hold a candle to him. The sensible part of me knows that, but how do I get the rest of me to believe it?

I really really really really really really like you

Ha ha this is so me right now! In fact I have taken to assuming he won’t text so that I don’t feel sad when he doesn’t!

The Fickle Heartbeat

love-man-woman-silhouette-sun-sunset-sea-lake-beachother1

Shared by Kimberly Ho

Love; a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

Your heart’s pounding, you’re flush with excitement and giddy with anticipation. You jump every time your smartphone pings you with a text, hoping it’s from them. You can’t focus on your work. You’ve lost your appetite for food because you’re reminiscing about how delicious it feels to be in their arms.

Nobody gets you the way they do. The connection you feel with them is out of this world. It’s as if you’ve known each other your entire life. You can barely stand to be apart.

You have no qualms announcing your good news to your friends and family; you’ve finally found the one!

Along with the dizzying heights, there are the terrifying lows…

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He isn’t my Ex!

So I have decided it’s time. Today I went back to the beginning of my blog, to my very first post and read (well until I ran out of time!) I wanted to see what I had told you guys about, what I hadn’t shared, how my writing style had improved… and boy were there some glaring errors!

However as I read my posts, flicked through page after page I noticed there was one common theme. I was really badly treated by my ex!

(Bet ya never thought you’d read that did you?)

I mean I wasn’t badly treated in the way some woman are badly treated, but I was living my life with a moody grumpy guy. Where one ‘wrong’ move from me would end up with me in trouble. One thing I remember he used to do was misunderstand me, but then get grumpy with and blame me for the misunderstanding. For a guy who used to boast about his conversational skills, he was actually really really bad at listening!

This thought occurred to me earlier in the week too. I sent my new fella (need to give him a name) a text which he didn’t understand. When his response came my gut told me he was mad, he was angry… but when I took time to actually read what he had written there was no such response. He was fine with it.

It’s made me appreciate even more what I have.

I need to keep reminding myself that this is a new relationship. That I am dating a new, even better, guy… I genuinely don’t know what I did to be lucky enough for him to have chosen me! He is kind, and caring and he deserves his own chance to mess up, he can’t be punished for a crime he hasn’t committed.

So I need to  keep reminding myself that this is new. That this is different… and figure out a way to quiet the voices.

#PimpmyRabbit – Settee Fun!

Since Poppy is such a total nightmare a big part of my life now I have decided it is time she earned her keep featured more prominently on my blog and so welcome to a fun new feature that I am now going to run called #PimpmyRabbit.

I don’t fully know what form this will take, quite yet. Probably a rant about her latest trouble making, but for this week, hopefully this will make you smile as much as this made me smile – she really is a happy bunny!

A blogging schedule

I am trying, really trying to get together some sort of schedule. Being back after a week off has made me realise just how much I missed you all and how much I want to get back into some sort of routine, and get caught up on what has happened while I have been AWOL.

The news of one of my favourite bloggers passing (Nissy from Nerissa’s Life) and thinking I had been too busy in my own little world to keep up to date with what was going on with anyone else, to read those last few posts actually really struck a chord. I think it’s something we are all guilty of (is it not) assuming we have all the time in the world?!

I suppose part of the problem is I kinda see you all as sitcoms. Bear with me, I can explain.

I am a huge big bang theory fan, but at the moment I am out on a Thursday evening when the new episodes are shown and so I record them. In fact my box is set up so that it will record the entire series (I really feel I need to add “at one touch of a button” here; can anyone remember whose advertising slogan that was?) which means when life becomes less hectic I sit down and binge on Big Bang.

The same is true with how I am currently handling blogging. When I find a spare few minutes I jump on here, throw something together, and then desperately try to skim read as many of your posts as I can before the time runs out and I have to return to work.

It’s not working.

I am missing things, important things that are happening with you. And I feel the content on here has never been worse and I feel if the plan of becoming a successful blogger so I can one day become a full time mum (yes, that is the dream!) I really need to be putting in more effort here – add to it the fact you guys actually come here to read…

Part of the problem is I’ve lost BD. Getting out and walking him used to get the creative juices flowing. I would return from our walk with the posts of the week known, and it would just be a case of writing them up. But now I don’t walk as much. I threw myself into a hectic time table to deal with being alone, then I got a rabbit (so added on guilt about not being home enough) and then I got a boyfriend (added on guilt that currently I am fitting seeing him around all other previous arrangements). So walking doesn’t happen. I have taken up swimming, in a morning before work, but that’s with a friend so I don’t so much think as chatter.

There is so much I want to share with you, but I don’t know where to start. When I do find the time to start I spend 20 minutes staring at the blank screen and then my time is up so I log off.

I don’t want to loose this space. I don’t want to loose you guys.

I just have to figure out a way to make my new look life work.