Are men and woman just inherently different?

I have had another light bulb moment. This one happened on the drive to work this morning. As complete side note I have found, maybe slightly worryingly, that I do all my best thinking while driving; or peeing. I know a slight over-share but for the last few weeks I have found that if I am stuck on something, if I take a break from my desk and go for a wee ‘ping’ problem solves itself and I come out of the loo knowing exactly how I need to proceed. – just me that thinks that’s weird?

Anyway, I digress.

Last night blokey, who hence for will be known as Raoul (he picked it, don’t ask why. And yes big moment in our relationship he is actually getting a name on the blog, which I have let him pick- didn’t let the ex have a say in his name! Anyway…) Last night Raoul, went out with his mates; not a problem. But he yet again, decide that he wasn’t going to tell me he was going out all evening. I don’t mind he goes out. In fact I would rather he went out than sat around all evening doing nothing. But, the only thing I ask is he lets me know not to expect to here from him. If I know he is out, having fun or busy at work I don’t worry when I hear nothing. But when as far as I know he is sat in front of the tv and I haven’t heard from him when I usually would.. well it means lots of phone checking from me, and last time it lead to a massive freak out (which you can read a little about here.)

We did talk after my last freak out, and in the end I decided the best way was for me to just assume I would not here from him. It’s funny. i don’t mind not hearing from him. In fact I am becoming more and more of the mindset that relationships would be easier if you didn’t always expect to be in contact with the other person. Anyone else done the early stages, over analysis of trying to figure out how much a guy is into you based on the amount and frequency of messages? Then what happens when you are over the honeymoon period and the number of texts drop “Is he busy, or board and trying to end it?”…

So I made a decision. I will not expect to hear from him.

It helped prevent any freak out when he went AWOL last night, but I have to admit to still feeling a bit put out (and maybe doing a small bit of analysis) when the message finally came in saying the reason he hadn’t been in contact before a good night text (which I sent) was that he was out with his mates – was there not even 5 minutes in the entire evening where he could take two seconds to text me “out with the guys, speak later!” That’s all I want. That’s all I would need. I don’t need to know, or particularly care what, where, how, why and who.

But I got nothing.

Then last night, while checking my phone with slightly more frequency than I would have done had I received a message from him, I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians (yes, I do occasionally watch it, but only very rarely I am not a big fan, although yes Kim’s wedding is set up to record tonight when I am out.. might force Raoul to watch it on Sat by way of penance, now there’s a thought!!)  It was the episode where the one Kourtney finds out she was pregnant with her third child and Scott (her husband) can’t cope with the news and so goes AWOL for a night.

Yep, you read that right. Having found out his wife is having a third child he goes AWOL. He sends a text saying his plane has landed… and then switches off his phone. Leaving his pregnant wife ‘alone*’ with their two young children, spending the entire night trying to track him down.

I am not saying he was wrong to take some time off. But surely a message to his wife “honey, I need some space to think. gonna spend the night in a hotel, home in the morning.” and she could panic a little less. She could have slept through the night.

Now I know Scott (at the time of filming) had a lot on and wasn’t in the best head space. I know that Raoul isn’t intentionally letting me worry. But why do they not think, how do they not spare a thought for their other halves who are sat around worrying that their loved one is safe?!

Is it just a guy thing, they will never see it our way and it is just one of many man/women differences that we have to accept or is this a situation where nattering a gentle reminder may actually work?

Guys – is it an all man thing?
Girls – does your guy go AWOL without notice?
Singles – are you reveling in the fact that being single you can suit yourself and don’t have this to worry about?

*she is a Kardasian, with a film crew, so I would take the use of alone somewhat with a pinch of salt. But you get the drift.

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We need to talk

I feel like I’ve jinxed it. Literally hours after sharing my post declaring to the world (well you lot) that I am hopelessly in love with this guy, and now I feel we are hurtling full pelt into our first argument. I didn’t even see it coming. In fact I don’t even see how we are there now.

I think it’s him. He has hurt his back really badly and so we have to cancel date night for a while. I am obviously gutted as I miss him like crazy, despite it only being days since I last saw him. I think part of the problem is we don’t know when we will next see each other, it is all reliant on him getting better so we can meet up again. I would go and see him, but at the moment he’s crashing at his parents and it is far too soon to do the meeting the folks bit. So we are stuck, waiting. The ‘brilliant’ doctor that he saw didn’t actually bother to identify what he had done to himself, and so we don’t know what’s wrong or how long it will take to heal.

I think this could be adding to the stress.

Plus he is on a whole concoction of painkillers, obviously in pain and feel bad about being the cause of cancelling the date… so I am trying to be understanding. But after a day of talking back and forth, me telling him I wish I could do more, look after him, see him. Suddenly I have had an attitude problem all day and am giving him grief!

I have no idea where he has gotten that impression from.

I have re-read the messages and I STILL have no idea where he got that impression from.

So the voices started. I know we don’t really know each other, but surely he should know me enough to know I am not like that? I don’t blame him. Then I worry he is trying to control me, my other exes have, so is this some sort of control thing where despite claiming he likes I am a strong, independent woman (a heart-break will do that to you) he doesn’t and so he is trying to change me. What if he is trying to turn me into a shadow… then I worry that if I am thinking these thoughts am I wrong about him being my future, about this being something special… The I feel I should just give him a break, he is ill. Plus I don’t want my past demons to mess up my future. But I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I apologise? He’s the one who has misread something, shouldn’t he be the one to say sorry?

Funny really. I worried once I was all loved up I would run out of things to write about, but looks like I have can open a whole new can of neurosis!

So this wasn’t expected

I’m not a natural writer; in fact I wouldn’t even go as far to as to call myself a writer. I am a woman who spills her guts onto a blog, which to my continued amazement people read and respond to. The way I right is I have a story that needs to be told, and out it spills. Over time I have tried I shelve one story and write another, and I can’t. The story that I try to shelve almost insists on being written and I fight ‘writers’ block until I just give in and accept that the story is going to published; whether or not I want it to be.

Which leads me to this story.

It’s about a guy. It’s about a guy that I had a date with. (You can read about my pre-first date thoughts here)

Well I was right. It was something. In fact it has become something very quickly… I think I’m in love with him.

(Yes, here is where you send for the guys in the white coats!)

The good news is, this isn’t a one way thing. Due to my phone accidentally dumping the guy after our second date, we ended up in a conversation about how we felt about each other. Yep, second date in (which happened 2 days after the first date) and we are both having a much too soon conversation about how we feel like we have known each other for years, and how we both have a feeling this could be something special.

13 days in and we are officially exclusive.

13 days in and we have banned each other from using the L word, as we don’t want to rush things. Yet I have so nearly already said it to him about a million times.

13 days in and I know he is hunting for engagement rings.

He’s already been to mine, he has stopped over a few times. About 4 days into knowing him I fell asleep in his arms, which you may think is stupid but 2 days in I got into his car and trusted him to surprise me with a day out where I didn’t know where I was going so… (Don’t worry, I am not 100% insane, people did have his photo, car photo, name and phone number… At least if he had murdered me he wouldn’t have gotten away with it!)

I feel crazy feeling like this. I feel even more insane admitting it.

I know that if I am wrong about this it will destroy me; but I don’t feel wrong. It feels so right it is crazy. I can’t believe he has only been around for days.

Worn out

I’m tired. I have loved having Bd but the early starts have started to wear me out, especially as I want to spend every moment I can with him so I haven’t been going to bed as early as I should. I have also had to factor in time with Poppy, half an hour a day with her isn’t enough but this week I’ve been struggling to find any more spare time to give her. And don’t forget that for the half hour I am cuddling her, Bd is locked in the house by himself. I feel guilty, when I am with one as part of me is overly aware that I am not with the other!

However, I have muddled through the best I can. And I have loved every minute. I hate that he has gone back today!

It all happened at the wrong time of course, it always does. Poppy wasn’t suppose to arrive only a few days before I had Bd for a week and a half. She was supposed to come in January, so I would be into a routine with her before figuring out how to look after them. So that I could easily get her to the vets for a check up, have all the right stuff for her so she could get out of her too small cage. But as with all best laid plans… Things will start improving for her now though. She is going to come in to the house on an evening – I don’t have a run, but she needs out the hutch – and we have a 9am appointment with the vet on Saturday so I can get her checked over and her nails trimmed.

And it’s not just been getting used to a having Poppy and Bd that I have been challenged with. Just to add another layer of general stress to the mix, I have ended up changing jobs this week. New hours, longer commute, a whole new challenge work wise (I am worried that are going to regret headhunting me. Yes, take a second for a small victory dance I was head hunted!!) So add new job stress to early start, late evenings and trying to find more hours in the day and you will see why this post is quite so bad!

I don’t know what is going to happen to this space. I used to write on my lunch break, but I am not sure yet if this will happened at my new place. I know that I am not going to stop writing, it helps me process things and you guys are just way to awesome to loose. But I may post less. Quality not quantity right?

As soon as I know what is going on, I will let you know. In the meantime I am thinking of you all

XX

Not feeling.

I thought that was where I had to get. To the point where I felt nothing, some sort of utopia whereby his actions didn’t hurt, where I celebrated the fact I was single and didn’t care that I had no one in my life. I thought I would be ok when I had reached this state of zen. Then the boyfriend who doesn’t appear until you don’t want him (makes him sound a bit like Nanny McPhee) would appear, the ex would be a distant memory and I would have my happy ever after, my house, children, love… and all I had to do to achieve it was to not feel anything.

This weekend, on one of many lovely long walks with Bd I realised this was rubbish.

Finding out the ex may have gotten married in Vegas (he hasn’t) hurt me. There were tears. However, my reaction to the tears made everything worse. I got myself so worked up that I was upset looking for a deeper meaning. I thought tears meant I wasn’t over him and I thought not being over him meant I couldn’t start a new relationship and so I would be alone forever… Yes sometimes I do get carried away.

However, half way up a hill with Bd I had a lightening moment and realised to feel was human. To feel was good for me. Feeling upset didn’t mean I was still in love with him; more I trusted him and he betrayed that trust and I am still hurting from that. The idea of his getting married in Vegas on Valentine’s day hurt, but it had very little to do with the idea of him being married. It was more the fact he could commit to ‘her’ after such a short time, whereas 4 years in he still couldn’t commit to me. It was the fact he was a better boyfriend to her. Despite knowing I wouldn’t want a Valentine’s day wedding in Vegas, gift wrapped and given. Thinking that he thought enough to organise a Valentines wedding, in Vegas with friends and family for her somehow made me feel less worthy. I felt it took away from what we had. I know and completely get that there are different kinds of love, but the idea of him loving her more, of her been more worth the effort, of him not being the often grumpy, sometimes shitty boyfriend to her… it was that that hurt. Also it was another realisation of just how full of shit he is, hurt. The fact that I don’t know when his words became lies. It was that stuff that mattered, that which hurt, that brought the tears. Not him. Not his wedding.

The tears also yet again made me worry I would never be ready to move on. Having been broke up with because “the relationship happened too soon, before I had time to progress all those feelings” I am terrified of doing that to someone else. So I was looking for some magical sign that I have moved on before even venturing onto something new.

I was also working hard to reach a point where I didn’t want another relationship. Everyone always says they happen when you least want one and so I had somehow convinced myself that wanting a relationship meant I wasn’t happy being single and so I would potentially end up alone. So I have been working hard on not missing him and not wanting anyone. However, the same lightning strike made me realise that wanting a new relationship doesn’t mean I am unhappy being single. It just means that one day I want to be in love again, with all that entails. It has made me realise, possibly for the first time, that I am ready to move on…And that has me very excited!

He ran

I told him I needed time… so he ran.

I told him I wasn’t sure… so he ran.

I told him the truth…so he ran.

Edward has decided that he isn’t willing to wait any longer, to give ourselves time to get to know each other. He wants exclusivity now or he wants to bang on the friends label. I wanted to just wait and see.

This morning I woke up to the ‘we should be friends’ text. I have to admit to been disappointed.

I thought he was different. I hoped and prayed he was different.

I just needed time to get to know him, was that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

It still hurts

The realisation I am still not fully over him comes with a jolt. It was a simple conversation over BD where the words “I’m not coming straight home” lead to me wondering if he was going to see her…

It’s not the fact he has moved on that hurts. It’s the realisation that I don’t matter. Whereas once he changed his diary to fit in with mine, now I am barely an afterthought; probably not even that.

We would have been trying for children now. Had he not ended it; had he not said enough. He was my world, and he left. That is the hard bit. It’s ironic really. He was the one who was always pushing for more. I was on his car insurance within weeks of us getting together, he introduced me to his family a week after we became ‘official’. Was it ever about me? Or was he just desperate to shoe horn me into the gap his ex had left?

It’s that thought that hurts the most; that continues to sting.

It could never have been about me. I joked whilst we were together that I would be nothing if we ever split up. I wasn’t the ex. I wasn’t the first one he dated after he split up with her (something I was always thankful for) but that meant I would be nothing.

He had the first woman he lived with. The woman he married. (different woman) Then my name was added to the long list of woman who he had just ‘had a relationship with’. At the time he would laugh at me and claim I would always matter, I would never be just another notch… yet now I doubt everything he ever said to me. I wonder if he meant anything…

Actually, that isn’t completely true. I was the first person I lived with after his wife. I suppose that would get me a small part in the movie of his life. I was the only person who never cheated on him. I was the only person who he has ever ended it with. Lucky me.

It’s not the fact that the relationship has ended that I find so hard to deal with. It’s the fact that he no longer cares. The fact I am nothing to him. That thought still has the power to wind me, and bring tears to my eyes.

I was talking to a friend last night about the various guys I am talking to online. She laughed when I was telling her that actually I am talking to a few – currently I am talking to 11 different blokes. Some I could be interested in, some that I am not. And I admitted to her something I have been trying to deny to myself for a while. Although I have moved on, and do not want to go back, I don’t want to move forwards either.

I am still finding it hard to accept that love will not conquer all. I find it harder still to accept that I was so wrong about my feelings for him, and his for me. I thought what we had was special. I thought what we had was forever.

I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to read a situation. With the help of my counsellor I have identified that this ‘doubt’ stemmed for a few events in my childhood, and that the ‘bully’ picked up on this and then a psychopath decided to help me overcome the bully… looking past over the last 10 years of my life just seems to be a repetition of me trusting someone, trusting my gut and then been proven MASSIVELY wrong. And it is happening again with the ex.

I don’t want to be wrong again. I know I am, but I really didn’t want to be.

I am not loving this latest development

I don’t know what is wrong with me or what has brought this on. Do you think I can blame it on the flu or something? I am seriously hoping it has something to do with my cycle and this new ‘phase’ will vanish just as quickly as it arrived…I can’t believe I am about to openly admit this.

I am MASSIVELY broody. I am sticking a cushion up my jumper to see what I will look like pregnant broody. It’s complete and utter madness and I have no idea where it has come from.

I want to be pregnant. I am looking at other pregnant ladies and the green mist descends and I can’t help but look down at my flat(ish) tummy and wish it was me.

What is wrong with me?

I mean seriously what is wrong with me?

I haven’t been this broody since I was at Uni and managed to freak myself out with my broodiness when my boyfriend at the time came and stood next to me while we were stood looking into cribs (Yes, I had dragged him into Mothercares to look at baby stuff, despite no-one we knew at the time being pregnant) and I felt my uterus skip a beat. Honestly, been in that position, realising it was an actual possibility was enough to scare me for…well until now. But now it is back. I am seeing pregnant people everywhere I look and have even half considered going it alone. Although I don’t want to, not yet.

So I will pretend that this isn’t happening, and hope that a goods night sleep is enough to rid me of this new feeling. Cause if not, well heaven help me!

I’m already judging the poor guy!

I have a date. This time next week we will be meeting in a bar for a few drinks. He is my first date since joining the online world and I have to say I am a mixture of excited and terrified. However most of my terror at the moment comes from the fact I don’t think we will make it to ‘date night’.

The last guy who I had a planned date with vanished suddenly and since agreeing to the date with this one I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to vanish off the face of the earth in the style of the previous guy.

I know I can’t judge him based on my past experiences, but at the same point I am just waiting for it to happen again. It is very much once bitten twice shy. Only I’ve been bitten so many times…

 

A letter to my ex

It’s happened. The day I’ve been half looking forward to but mostly dreading has,arrived. Finally you’ve admitted to being in a new relationship.

The tears came, we both knew they would. It felt like my fragile heart was yet again split in two, and I got angry at the world as it carried on turning.

The news was earth shattering. I felt numb, I felt…nothing. For a split second, which felt like forever, I felt nothing. Then the pain and the tears.

You broke your final promise. You said if you couldn’t be Witt me then you didn’t want to be with anyone. I knew you didn’t really mean it and I knew that I didn’t really want you to spend your life alone. But you promised. You said if you couldn’t have me… And now I find out weeks later you were with someone new.

I looked back in my diary the other day. I read an entry in march. In march you were still claiming you loved me, that you couldn’t be with me, but you loved me. Yet now 8 months later you admit to not only being in a relationship but having been in this relationship for quite a few months. Since summer? Is that June, July..? How many weeks later, cause weeks are all it could have been.

I want to ask you about her. Is she the older, no commitment divorce that I always knew would suit you so; or is she another me, young, hopefully, desperately in love with you? What does she have that I don’t? Why her and not me?

I’m still in love with you. Despite trying every trick I can think of to get over you, I’m still in love with you. But you know that. Your messages give you away. Apologising for having someone else, why? What have you got to apologise for, it’s not your fault it was all a lie; or did you know? Even as you said these words to me did you know they meant nothing? Didn’t I deserve more?.didn’t the memory of us deserve more?

I want to know why you turned up on my doorstep the other night. We had our routine, I never had to see you. You changed the rules, you gave me hope. Did you mean to be that cruel? Or do you just not think?

I did nothing wrong.

I gave you my heart. I bent my will to fit in with yours, there was no pressure…no drama. You did all the running, you made all the first.moves. It’s not fair you did that to me.

I can’t turn off my mind, yet it hurts to think. So I take two painkillers (the headache from the crying is already kicking in) and curl up in the big double bed at my.parents- I couldn’t bear to stay at my house alone. I’ve pilled up pillows on.your side.of the bed so it’s less obvious I’m alone.

Is she asleep on my side? Or could you not do that to me and have you switched sides? You’ve had her in our house… I saw the coffee mugs. That means you’ve had her in our bed…

Turns out you’re not the man I thought you were. Although I knew your “I’ll never love anyone again” promise was a lie, and not something I would want for you. You could have waited a little longer – 3 months just doesn’t quite cut it!

Did the man I love, the man I have cried for ever exist? I trusted you. I loved you. You played me for a fool.