A letter to my new Boyfriend

I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you are having to do the time despite the fact it was him and not you that did the crime… but you see he broke me. I thought I was over it and in so many ways I am; I am most certainly over him. But the way he left,  the fact it happened so quickly despite all the promises . Well it’s becoming clear that it very much still affects me.

He broke me.

I was never like this.

But now I worry.  If I hear nothing from you for a few hours the voices start, and I know it’s not fair on you, but they are so loud. You see the reasons he gave for leaving me was… well everything that makes me me. And those are the things your going to have to learn to love about me;  because they are the quirks that make me me.

I know it’s not fair.  I hate that it’s affecting me; affecting us. I already see how you are better.  Small signs that show me you’re telling the truth, that you are keeping your promises.

I’m fighting for us.  I will overcome this.  But I need you to be patient.  I need you to wait and fight for me;  for us. Because I am.

If you are willing to fight. I promise it will be worth it.

I’m crazy about you and so yours. I see my future with you… I just need time

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I weakened (sort of)

So having thought I would say no to seeing Bd for one final goodbye my resolve weakened. I didn’t want to look back in years to come and know I didn’t take advantage of spending every moment I could with him. It sounds stupid but I didn’t want to know that in the end I turned down even 5 minutes of time with him. So I told my ex a final goodbye walk would be nice, I wouldn’t take him over night but just spend a final hour cuddling with him, smelling his paws, and trying to embed every moment of Bd in my memory forever.

But we had to have a conversation to organise that, and his holier than thou “I am doing all of this for your own good” attitude got on my wick and so he was preaching about how good for me this was, and how hard on him I snapped and told him exactly what I thought of him.

I told him No, this sudden ban on seeing Bd was nothing to do with me. (Whether his excuse of his new woman being upset I was on the scene is true or not I can’t tell you) but this sudden change of heart now wasn’t anything to do with me. Anyone with half a brain can see I am well over him, getting into her bed 8 weeks after getting out of mine kinda turned off any remaining feelings I may have had. The hurt of what he did to me, that’s still very much with me, but any want to get back with him…. Plus I wasn’t the one manipulating situations so we had to continue to see each other, finding crappy excuses to drop Bd off at mine rather than letting me collect him from the garden, being in the f’in garden and coming out to say hi when I was able to collect Bd from the garden. I was the one who wanted to set up a rota and ideally never speak to each other ever again. I wasn’t the one in the ‘bad place, still hanging on’.

So I called him out and told him that “he had used me and how at least I knew now everything he ever said to me was utter bull.” That was it; no threats, no over reacting just a very measured response.

He went mental and vetoed me saying one final goodbye.

(Which just as a side note, never allowed to see Bd again as you think it was too hard on me but actually you had no problems with me coming round the house, picking him up and having him over night for one final time – who wants to bet he had plans and needed a dog sitter?)

After his little mental outburst I remained calm, and asked his permission to donate to charity the stuff I had for Bd at my house. Might sound silly but I wanted his permission now cause if not I can see him getting in contact in a month and asking where X was, or did I know what had happened to Y. Which is something I am keen to avoid! He responded saying that would be ok, and so I closed the conversation with a “Good Bye” There was nothing else to say. I had only maintained contact so I could see Bd, so I thought Good Bye kinda finished it off.

A few minutes passed then I received from him:

You will probably spit feathers for me saying this but I honestly wish you all the best in your new job and whatever the future brings you”

Did I ever mention I was dating a saint? I don’t know how to break this but I don’t care. I don’t want your good wishes, I want less than nothing to do with you. So I responded with the slightly juvenile, but very much needed

“That’s where you are very much mistaken. I stopped caring or having any reaction to anything you said an awfully long time ago!”

I’ve heard nothing since. I feel strange. There have been tears – so many tears. I miss Bd every second, and I know I will look out for him wherever I go. For the last few days seeing dog walkers out and about has been hell. But I also feel free. I am finally completely out of reach of my ex, no biting my tongue so I can keep seeing Bd, no reasons for him to drop around or manipulate situations so I saw him. I am finally completely and utterly free of that Jack ass – just wish it had been because he had been hit by a car rather than the reason being he took my dog.

Bd and I last year. I am going to miss him soooo much!!
Bd and I last year. I am going to miss him soooo much!!

It’s a No

That is it. The verdict is in and he has told me I am not allowed to see Bd any more.

He has however very kindly offered me one last goodbye, but I don’t think I can. I don’t know how I look into his eyes and know I will never see him again.

So I am going to say no. I don’t know if I will regret not having a final goodbye. But I’m just not strong enough!

I suddenly feel very alone

It’s strange but now that I am facing up to the very real chance of loosing Bd forever, I suddenly feel very alone!

I don’t know why, but I long to be back closer to my friends and family, and I am starting to worry if buying my little house and making a place for me away from them was actually a huge mistake. My house no longer feels like my home; and although I have Poppy to come home to I am wishing I didn’t have my house.

There is still no news on whether or not I am going to be allowed to see Bd again. I would like to think that he is giving it some really thought, but I know better than that. He’s too much of a coward and is waiting for another text from me to ask if he has made his mind up yet.

I am expecting him to say no. I am expecting to never see, or cuddle or stroke Bd again.

I won’t go and say goodbye. I have already decided that that will be too hard (although whether or not I will change my mind when I know 100% that it will be my very last chance, I am not sure.) I left him in his garden, with his dinner with a quick head rub and a shout of I love you over the fence. No long goodbye, just a see you later. I was stressed about being on time for work on my second day…

Had I know it would be the last time, I don’t know how I would have left. How I would have walked away! I was a little prepared for this, and so I did spend the week I had with him focusing on soaking up every moment. I kissed him, and cuddled him, and smelt him hoping that that would be enough to keep him in my memory forever.

I know the decision hasn’t been made yet… But I am not hopeful.

For the last few months I have been dealing with the fact that dogs aren’t around for long enough. The fact we outlast them is so… sucky. With Mity being ill before Christmas I was very aware of their mortality. With my ex being an ass I have been trying to figure out exactly how long I would have to put up with him in my life; how long Bd would live for.

But to have him taken from me… that’s too soon. It was always going to be too soon, but this is just so cruel.

I hate my ex. I hate him for every lie he told; for every promise he broke. I hate him for taking 8 weeks to get out of my bed and into someone elses. I hate him for making me fall in love with him, for allowing me to give him my heart and then brush it aside so carelessly. But when I had Bd I forgot about all that. I didn’t care about the hurt, the heartache cause out of all that rubbish he had given me Bd and he was worth it. Bd was worth it.

Now that Bd is gone (or going) hate doesn’t feel a strong enough word!

A step in the right direction.

I am in a very good place right now. I spent Valentines weekend alone with only Bd and Poppy for company, and the crappy Tv and long walks (and cuddles, there were so many cuddles) really gave me some time to think and work through some stuff.

I spent an entire weekend just focused on me. I had lovely food (which is something I don’t often treat myself to while the budget is still tight), a few glasses of wine and a lovely long semi-relaxing bubble bath; which would have been more relaxing had Bd not spent the entire time worrying I was either going to drown or put him into the bath. I do love that dog so much!

However, the best bit of news was me realising that I am ready to start dating again. My motivation has changed and it is no longer about proving to everyone I have moved on, or even a desperate hope to find someone. It is just something I will do when I find someone who I want to get to know better. If it goes somewhere great, if it doesn’t well it doesn’t.

And this new outlook had me a little excited.

I have a few dates coming up and I am really looking forward to them, in a way I wasn’t with the previous dates I have been on. Tonight, I have a phone date with a guy and I have to admit that it was the only thing on my mind this morning when I was walking Bd. In the past (as much as I try to stay very much in the moment) my mind wanders on walks and I end up thinking about things, “how could he lie, should I still see Bd, when did it all turn to b*llocks…” but on todays walk I couldn’t help but think about tonights phone date, “will we get on, what is his accent like, will it go well, could this be the start of the next chapter…”

Although it may not sound like much, day dreaming about a future that doesn’t involve him turning up and saying letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life is actually huge. Having butterflies about tonights phone call, well that’s pretty awesome!

Not feeling.

I thought that was where I had to get. To the point where I felt nothing, some sort of utopia whereby his actions didn’t hurt, where I celebrated the fact I was single and didn’t care that I had no one in my life. I thought I would be ok when I had reached this state of zen. Then the boyfriend who doesn’t appear until you don’t want him (makes him sound a bit like Nanny McPhee) would appear, the ex would be a distant memory and I would have my happy ever after, my house, children, love… and all I had to do to achieve it was to not feel anything.

This weekend, on one of many lovely long walks with Bd I realised this was rubbish.

Finding out the ex may have gotten married in Vegas (he hasn’t) hurt me. There were tears. However, my reaction to the tears made everything worse. I got myself so worked up that I was upset looking for a deeper meaning. I thought tears meant I wasn’t over him and I thought not being over him meant I couldn’t start a new relationship and so I would be alone forever… Yes sometimes I do get carried away.

However, half way up a hill with Bd I had a lightening moment and realised to feel was human. To feel was good for me. Feeling upset didn’t mean I was still in love with him; more I trusted him and he betrayed that trust and I am still hurting from that. The idea of his getting married in Vegas on Valentine’s day hurt, but it had very little to do with the idea of him being married. It was more the fact he could commit to ‘her’ after such a short time, whereas 4 years in he still couldn’t commit to me. It was the fact he was a better boyfriend to her. Despite knowing I wouldn’t want a Valentine’s day wedding in Vegas, gift wrapped and given. Thinking that he thought enough to organise a Valentines wedding, in Vegas with friends and family for her somehow made me feel less worthy. I felt it took away from what we had. I know and completely get that there are different kinds of love, but the idea of him loving her more, of her been more worth the effort, of him not being the often grumpy, sometimes shitty boyfriend to her… it was that that hurt. Also it was another realisation of just how full of shit he is, hurt. The fact that I don’t know when his words became lies. It was that stuff that mattered, that which hurt, that brought the tears. Not him. Not his wedding.

The tears also yet again made me worry I would never be ready to move on. Having been broke up with because “the relationship happened too soon, before I had time to progress all those feelings” I am terrified of doing that to someone else. So I was looking for some magical sign that I have moved on before even venturing onto something new.

I was also working hard to reach a point where I didn’t want another relationship. Everyone always says they happen when you least want one and so I had somehow convinced myself that wanting a relationship meant I wasn’t happy being single and so I would potentially end up alone. So I have been working hard on not missing him and not wanting anyone. However, the same lightning strike made me realise that wanting a new relationship doesn’t mean I am unhappy being single. It just means that one day I want to be in love again, with all that entails. It has made me realise, possibly for the first time, that I am ready to move on…And that has me very excited!

What I did…

I couldn’t help but check out the mutual friends’ profile, where I saw numerous comments about Mr and Mrs …. And so I sent him a text.

I know; hardly a big deal but for me it was. You see my first thought, after the initial bastard thought was I had to know. It’s really hard to explain but there is still a little bit of me that feels that link to him, that we are joined, that he is the one. I don’t want him back, he doesn’t deserve the chance to come back. But deep down, in the pit of my stomach, the bit that makes me ‘me’ I still feel us. Somewhere buried deep, there is a box. I wrapped it around my heart to try and catch the fragments when he ripped my heart apart. I used that boxes to catch what I could and then I put a lid on it. I had to. Putting the lid on it meant I was able to get out of bed and function. Then, worryingly, as the online dating thing has progressed and I have started to open that lid a little, imagine life with someone else, I have found that the spark of desire still burns for him. I start having dreams of the future, think about holding hands, having sex… but it is his hand I reach for in my dreams. His… well I’ll let you fill in that blank. So I close the lid again. It’s the only way I have found to carry on.

I am hoping that this will finally break that link. I don’t want it there. I don’t want him back. The man I loved DID NOT EXSIST. Dear God, I want this to be the final straw that breaks the camels back and I am finally free to move on.

So I sent him a text.

However, before hitting send I did have a brief argument with myself where I worried about becoming ‘that’ ex. I don’t want to be seen as the crazy stalker and then I even worried I would ruin his holiday and he would think I was giving him hassle and get all stressed and grumpy.

Yes, read that again. Whilst (potentially) finding out that less than 12 months after telling me he would always love me, I find out the man who promised me a forever had married someone else and I hesitated from sending him a text so as not to ruin his holiday. Sometimes I want to slap myself!!

So I sent him a short and sweet text asking if there is anything he had to tell me, which I shouldn’t have had to find out about on Facebook.

I’m not expecting any sort of response, but I am proud of myself for putting me first.

However, this whole episode has highlighted that I am still struggling to move on. And this has me worried for two reasons. One the ex has never gotten over his ex. It was a shadow over our relationship, and knowing him as well as I may (although, as this goes on I wonder if I ever really knew him) if he has done the deed in Vegas I strongly suspect it is more to do with his ex getting re-married that him wanting to get married to this lady (honestly, you could write a soap!) I worry that there are some people you just can’t get over – is he mine? And the more worrying is a few people have commented that I can’t move on while I still have contact with him, and that contact comes about because of the very lovely BD.

The tough question I have been worried about asking for a while now is do I have to put myself first and walk away from my dog? I don’t want to. If anyone can come up with any tips, hints or ways to move on while keeping contact then please I am all ears.

The ex took so much from me. I really really don’t want to have to add Bd to that list!

 

What would you do?

You are sat, having cornflakes for breakfast absent mindedly scrolling through Facebook when you stumble across this post….

“Having a lovely time on holiday, in Vegas, with Mr and Mrs (insert the surname of your ex here!) Bring on the beers

So what would you do? Cause I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do!

 

Editors note: This actually happened on Friday morning – Happy Valentines day to me!

Do I have enough love?

I’m an idiot. I have had a small panic that letting poppy into my life has somehow lessoned the love I have available for Bd and Mity. I don’t know what has brought it on. But I was worried, would I get board of BD, would I resent having the two of them together?

I think part of this panic was brought on by a conversation I had with my counsellor. Knowing the ex is going away on our holiday with his new squeeze brought on tears and it upset me as I thought I had officially finished crying over him. She asked me how different my life would be if I didn’t have BD. If I had completely made the cut, and had no contact with the ex. No seeing him whenever he decides he wants to see me* no jumping when he says how high.

The problem is I promised him. I promised him I would walk out on him and I can’t break that promise. I don’t want the ex to force me to break that promise. My counsellor made the good point that Bd won’t know after all he ‘just a dog’ (although as a dog lover herself she did say she knows that isn’t actually the case) but I will know. I will know I broke my promise to him. I will know I walk away.

But it is hard. Having the ex dangle me on a lease well it makes me hate him. I sometimes wonder if he knows that when Bd is no more I am done. I will be walking out that door never to see or hear from him again. But until then I am a little at his beck and call, and that could be for the next 10 years…

I don’t want Poppy to be the reason I suddenly find it easier to walk away from BD. Now I have a replacement all of my own… I don’t want to be that person who left. He sat with me while I sobbed alone and heartbroken when things got bad with the ex. He walked up to me and licked my tears away when I had no-one else to do it. He was the reason I got out of bed when the times were hard. He cuddles with me on the settee when I am alone in my house. He looks after me when I am ill and makes me laugh when I want to cry.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want Poppy to make it easier to walk away. I owe him so much.

 

*Sometimes when I pick up BD he will have to be there to discuss stuff with me. Usually it is nothing and I have no idea why he refuses to just tell me over text. But Bd is his dog and so if he says jump….

 

He’s replaced me

At first I was worried that the tears meant I still cared.  I didn’t want them but I couldn’t stop them from coming.  The news that he was taking her on our holiday. ..

But then I realised that these weren’t tears for what has gone, for him or because I wanted him back. No these tears fell because I was disappointed in him.  I know on paper it has been almost a year and a half since we broke up, yet it hasn’t been a full year since we stopped sleep in together,  12 months haven’t passed without him claiming  to be in love with me. I know they will come, but they haven’t yet, and to find out he will be spending his first valentines day with her on the holiday we had planned on taking together (before he woke up one morning and just said enough)…

It’s the lack of thought; or maybe the realisation I just don’t factor into his thought process at all now. I don’t know.  I just feel the memory of us, of what we had deserves more. I know he had to move on, but to move on so fast, so quickly.  Makes me worry I was nothing. That I was taken in, played for a fool.  Did he ever mean it when he told me he loved me?

Or is he still struggling like I am. Does he realise there’s no going back but struggle moving forwards.  Is she nothing but an attempt at getting over me?

I knew the holiday would never happen.  For all the times we talked about it I never started to save.  I never saw it as any more than a pipe dream. I assumed he’d visit there again,  after all he had been there without me and loved it. But not so soon….

I’ll just have to chalk this up as another reason to hate him. I tried not.  I don’t want to hate.  But right now hating him is the only choice I have.