Why does the sweet, thoughtful guy you loved become a selfish moron the moment he becomes your ex?

Well if he keeps this up it will become a breeze to forget the loving sweet guy I dated and instead remember the complete and utter moron who broke my heart and then took great glee in stomping all over the little pieces. He’s a twat. I am beyond annoyed with him.

When I left my house, after been thrown out by him I left a lot of my stuff behind. It made sense. I had no need or space for the double bed which I had brought with my from my parents house. I didn’t immediately need the towels, spare sheets, duvet, pillows or any of the other items which I had brought with me. I was going back to my parents and so if I had taken it would all have had to go into storage and so it made sense for him to hang onto it for a short while. Also, I just wasn’t strong enough to split up the sheets or bedding. I didn’t want to, hell I couldn’t go through the items we had bought together only months earlier when we had been filled with so much excitement, when I had been filled with so much hope.

I didn’t want our relationship to become one of arguing over a bed sheet. I couldn’t cope with that.

Truth be told I still can’t cope with it. The last few days have involved taking items out of the house we shared and moving them into the house which is going to be just me. Or (as in most of the cases) donating stuff to a local charity or various family members. I know it is shallow to move it out to give it away, but I know he will move on (my gut feeling is telling me sooner rather than later) the idea of him being with another woman kills me. The idea of that woman being in my house, using my stuff……. so I’ve taken it. Anyway, I digress!

I would like to tell you that he has been helpful, understanding and made this whole situation easier on me. Oh how I would like to tell you that. But the truth is he has argued and refused to understand why it would be easier for me if he wasn’t there; he has used the argument of if he’s not allowed in my new house why should I be allowed unaccompanied into his (which I might add he has no problem with me doing when I’m collecting BD and it suits him! twat)

Our latest argument is over the sheets. The other day I sent him a message asking if he would be willing to go through the bedding, sheets etc and return to me anything that was mine. I don’t want the stuff that was ours, just the bits that were mine from before. He has told me that would be too stressful for him, but I am more than welcome to come and help myself. I then asked if I could come next week, when I’m collecting BD and bring a friend, you know a bit of moral support. Apparently not as he has a ‘friend’ around on the evening I want to come. As a side note he also had a ‘friend’ this time with the friends young family around when I initially suggested picking up my furniture but then on the day sent me a text saying he was going for a 3 hour run, no mention of this friend or his young family! Not that I don’t believe him you understand… Anyway. It would not be convenient for me to go around with my friend while his friend is there. So I suggest he puts everything into a couple of black bin bags, I can throw it all into my car when I pick up BD and then return his stuff when I bring BD back to him. Apparently he is so busy with work that he doesn’t have the time to do even this.

In his defence he has offered to give me the money to buy some new stuff, but that’s not the point I want my  stuff back.


I didn’t want to be in this position. I didn’t want to be arguing our bed sheets or falling out over furniture but here we are. Does he not get that this is still so difficult for me? Why can’t he just make it slightly more bearable by being a little flexible? He wanted this. I did nothing wrong. I didn’t give up on us. Yet I have had to deal with all the fall out while he has buried his head …..and holidayed and partied with his friends.


But just to prove I do listen to comments and advice……. Dawn

Positive: today I had the most lovely lunch which I really enjoyed.

Negative: I do feel it just needs a little bit of chocolate to finish it off and I have none.

Positive: By not being able to eat the chocolate I am craving I can remain thin and spotless. Ok well not spotless but I will pretend!

Monday Blues

I’m having internet issues. Hell I’m having life issues.

In can’t get anything to post properly, although that’s not a problem as yet again I find myself struggling for content. I can’t comment on anything without multiple attempts, swear words and thinly hidden threats. (If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, do not worry for my safety but instead spare a thought for my poor computer which will be sat on the ground in pieces having been thrown out the window!)

I feel lots. I can’t make rational sense of my thoughts, so no surprise I am struggling to get them out on here. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what I want to write. Do I even want to write?

This blog was started at what I thought would be an interesting stage of my life. I don’t know if I have previously explained the thought behind “25 castles on 25 clouds”  but when thinking of the title I knew I wanted something about looking forward, dreaming big, experiencing life and so I picked up a thesaurus to see if I could come up with an unusual and interesting word and there written was ‘Castles on Clouds’.

I liked it, and it appealed even  more because my favourite musical is Les Miserables and I loved that the title meant everything I wanted to but at the same point linked to my likes. It felt like it was mean to be and so Castles on Clouds was born. I signed up to wordpress. Set up a dedicated googlemail account. Chose the passwords for these accounts. And promptly locked myself out of both.

After multiple attempts, threats and perhaps a splash of bad language I decided that changing the name was my only other option and so I picked the number 25. I would like to say something deep about the reason I chose 25 – but it just was the first number that came to me and I liked how it sounded.

This blog. My blog was supposed to document the most excited moments of my life. I had just moved in with the guy of my dreams and we were starting our lives together. We had discussed children. Argued over furniture and I thought we’d planned a future together. I had a rough idea of what I was going to write about. Although never admitted out loud I had more the 25 dreams and this was going to be the place I was going to document them all. And in total honest I was hoping I would become one of those lucky few who can make a living while blogging so that I could stay home with BD, then stay home with my children during their early years. I had it all planned.

The very suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. Suddenly I have no funny posts about relationships, or family life. Hell with the house keeping me so busyI don’t even see BD enough to write something good about him.

This weekend I had to go back to my house to remove the furniture I had left with the ex when I moved out. There has been no point in removing it before now as I had no where to store it. Now I realise we have to go through the bedding, sheets, towels that we bought together and decide who gets what. I can’t tell you how much I don’t want to do this. I don’t want our relationship to have come down to arguing over towels or from whose house the duvet in the spare room came from (FYI mine, and I am getting it back!)

Suddenly I feel lost. The dreams I have held so close to me for the last 4 years are now a distant memory. I feel stuck. Stagnant. I don’t know where I am going or what I am doing and it is now affecting every part of my life. I am miserable going to work. I feel undervalued and worthless. People ask each other about their weekend, yet no one seems to ask me. I will inquire about peoples evenings yet no one asks me about how my house is getting on.

I keep telling myself that I am just going through a change. That it will all come out alright better in the end.

But today I don’t feel like that. Today I am sick of dealing with arsey workmen. I am sick of feeling hurt. I am sick of forcing myself to feel nothing because the hurt is too much.

I’ve lost my castles, maybe they sunk into the clouds who knows. Right here right now – who cares?!

He was supposed to be a …. pregnant goldfish!

As I mentioned yesterday I have a couple of dates in the pipeline. I say in the pipeline because although I have agreed to go on both dates I have not been able to tie down an actual calendar date where I can fit this guy in.

The main reason for this is that last weekend was D Day on the house, I had a friend coming and so the plan was the house would be finished in time for her visit. I had the date in read in my diary, my dad had the date in red in the diary, I even gave the date to my workmen (the two that I have allowed into my house and they have only been allowed in because they are playing with electric and gas/major plumbing) however it would appear that to the workmen this date meant diddley squat. The gas/plumber cancelled me twice, before finally turning up to do the job the day before my friend came and then only doing a 3rd of what was actually required of him – basically I paid this guy almost £400 to buy me a shower and attach a small part of it to the wall. The other shower I asked him to remove….attached a stop water top thingy (one which I had bought for use elsewhere in the house) to the end of the metal pipe and left it there meaning that I now need to remove the pipes and come up with a more permanent solution. The central heating he was going to get working….. well I’ve just called up another workmen to come and do that job! The shower he’s fitted…. I had to drill the trenches, cut into the existing pipes, re-plaster and attached the hose, head etc to. The small bit of piping that needed replacing and the ex offered to do for the cost of pipe (which was about £5).. he’s charged me 85 quid!

Anyway to summaries the house isn’t yet anywhere near finished but having this date in my diary means I have now started booking back in the social life that I have had on hold for a number of months. Now I have DIY squished around a social life and to top it all off I am currently feeling like death warmed up and I’m counting down the minutes until I can have my next Lemsip (31 minutes just in-case you care!).

I met this guy about 2 weeks ago on a night out. I would like to tell you he was charming, lovely and I felt goosebumps..but that would be a lie. The guy was an ass. Worse than a “pregnant goldfish” he was an annoying ass who threw insults at me, refused to by me a drink and then refused to leave.

Don’t worry I gave as good as I got. I pointed out he had stupid facial hair (which he does) before pointing out all the guys in the bar I would rather be talking to instead of him – I may have been a little tipsy! Anyway in a moment of weakness, or maybe trying to prove to myself that I have to move on, I agreed that I would let him find me on Facebook, I assumed he wouldn’t he did. We had our first conversation and he told me how much he fancied me, how hot I am and asked me out. For any blokes out there do not keep telling someone how hot they are. I have a brain, I have a personality, I have interests try talking about some of those and you will get me interested. Telling me I’m hot repeatedly does not float my boat.

Then he asked me out.

The thought process was the guy is a “pregnant goldfish” and so I could go on a low risk date. I assumed I would hate every second, probably end up having to buy my own drink, and leave as early as I possibly could but hey it would count as a date and I would have had the first official date since… well….. you know. Although as the conversations continued it became clear that he has a pretty decent sense of humor… not that different to mine. He’s made me laugh out loud and I genuinely look forward to receiving his messages. After many conversations and even a late night phone call it turns out I could be wrong about this guy. He may not be the total pregnant goldfish that I thought he was. Surprisingly I am looking forward to the date, hey I’ve even suggested the second one. I’m being very carefully not to run before I can walk but now this isn’t the low risk date I wanted and that scares me. I’m not in a place where I am ready for this. I don’t want to start something new to wish I had waited longer in a few months time – I’ve been on the receiving end of that conversation and it sucks!

Although I know I can’t I still want the ex and my life with him back but at the same time I don’t want to cancel this date. Impressively I have explained most of this to the guy and he hasn’t (yet) ran a mile. Suspicious activity right there if you ask me. I’m trying to not worry too much before we go on the first date, but there is something about him which makes me think he isn’t the “pregnant goldfish” I thought he was…and if he isn’t what then?!

N.B I realised that this post will only make sense if you know the word for a “pregnant goldfish”. If you don’t then it is a 4 letter word, starts and ends with ‘t’ and has a ‘wa’ in middle. And thus ends the school lesson for today – you’re welcome!!

I’m back here again

I miss him. Even today, when I have spent the full day flirting with another guy. I miss him so much I feel sick and could burst into tears.

I have found someone new and lovely.Let’s called him Bob. However in true how do I pick them style, Bob is a divorced father of two who is old than him and his eldest daughter is only a few years younger than me. Don’t worry I know that this is never going to be anything. But Bob is being sweet, attentive and reminding me of him when we first got together.

Their sense of humour is very similar, the conversations are very similar to the first conversations we had, and it is killing me! Hell, they even have very similar jobs. They have similar likes, in fact the only thing they don’t have in common is that Bob thinks he is an idiot for ending it with me, whereas he…well who the hell knows what he’s thinking. All I know is I didn’t mean enough that he fought for me, for us.

I feel like I’m in a catch 22. Until I find someone new, I won’t begin to get over him, but before I don’t feel I can find someone new until I have moved on. I would hate to be 4 years down the line and say “we met too soon” after the previous relationship – I’ve received that conversation and it’s no fun!

I don’t know if part of this is panic that things are finishing on my house. I know have a completion date. And although this does get me uber excited, it also scares the hell out of me. It’s as if I had somehow marked certain situations that would bring him back. His birthday, my birthday, our 4 year anniversary, Christmas, Valentines Day… yet he doesn’t come back. I know he isn’t going to, but I still want him back. Even after everything, all I want is for him to take me in his arms and make it all ok. Because he could. If he really wanted to he could turn up on my doorstep right this second and begin to make everything ok. Only he won’t. He doesn’t want to. And that also makes me feel sick.

A couples song

Do you have a song that sums up your relationship? You know your ‘couple song’ that you dance to and always request? OH and I never found one, however I have always loved these two songs and it turns out they summed up my relationship perfectly.

First we have OH:

Then we have me:

I played these to OH and he agreed that this was the two of us. I have never seen the stage show but *spoiler alert* apparently they don’t end up together. I hoped that it wouldn’t be a case of life imitating art with OH and I……

i could learn a lot from my dog


So things got a little more stressful at home this week. BD and Mity have been getting along ok. It has been one good session and one bad. BD lifts his tail and stiffens when Mity walks past, and sometimes Mity will change his path to walk around BD (however if he is in the mood he will walk under his nose multiple times, just because he can!)

Friday night Mity was at my sisters house as mum and dad were out and my sister had organised to Mity sit long before I moved home. So I organised that I would have BD for the evening. It meant he could be unmuzzled for the evening and for a few precious hours it would be just like old times. And it was. We cuddled on the settee, we played chase, we did tricks, he licked the tears from my nose – I loved every second.

When Mity came home BDs muzzle went back on and the rest of the evening went past like any other visit. However for the first time Mity refused to sleep when we went to bed. He was unsettled and kept my folks, he sleeps in their room, awake all night. BD has stopped over before, where he is locked downstairs in his tent and before this evening we have never had any problems – they both settled this way fine on bonfire night with fireworks going off!

The next morning BD decided he would climb onto Mitys spot on the settee. BD was instantly told “off” and he didn’t even get all four paws on the settee but Mity responded by cocking his leg on the corner of the couch. We didn’t go ape at him or tell him off but he can’t do that.

The worrying this is this isn’t Mity. He hasn’t had an accident inside since he was a puppy any that have happened have been our fault for not realising he was stood at the door. He won’t even pee if we take him into town and has spent hours with us encouraging him to go where he waits and holds it until he gets to a less densely populated area. Yet he intentionally cocked his leg.

If this goes on I can’t have BD – I can’t stress out Mity and will not put either of them through something they don’t enjoy for my own selfishness. Yet at the moment the only days I want to get out of bed is when I am getting up to walk BD and I am literally living for his next visit. Also when things went down hill and MD spent those evenings cuddled with me as I sobbed into his fire I told him I would not leave him and walk away not matter what happened (his fear aggression came about when OH separated from his ex and they took a dog each.)


A bad head space

Yep, I didn’t think it was possible, and I really wanted to bring some light into this little corner of blogville but it would appear that when I thought I had hit rock bottom, I find there is even further to fall and I can feel even shitter than I did.

You know your best friend, that person you can pick up the phone to any time of the day or night? who picks you for their team at school despite knowing that your can’t swing a bat to save your life? Yeah that person….I don’t have one. All through school there were people who I became close to and would consider a best mate, then I would come across someone who was feeling lonely and I would invite them to come and play with me and my friend and suddenly the two of them would have play dates that I wouldn’t be invited to, forget to tell me about something that was planned, slowly I would feel more and more like a third wheel and so in the end I stopped trying. Yes the final decision was my own, but I didn’t feel wanted or needed and so I would go off on my own, find another friend and the pattern would repeat!

No I would like to tell you I am over reacting, but this happened at least once that I can think of at Primary School, twice in Secondary School and even happened first year of uni – I’m not going to name names, but I could that is how much this has bothered me.

Last night I went to my amateur dramatics group (yes I am one of those people) and despite arriving with a good friend, whose house I was staying at later that evening. I must have been in a negative mood when I arrived because my friend was first through the door and so was engulfed in hugs, while I stood there waiting my turn. I know this shouldn’t have bothered me but it did. It could have been that it was my first time back since splitting with OH, that made me extra sensitive but I felt left out and from there it was a downwards spiral, I found myself feeling on the edge of conversations and even being ignored or talked over when I said something. It got to the point that when we sat down for tea break I was uber aware that having sat down first people filed in next to me one at a time, but always sitting next to the other person – I was on the edge looking at other people sharing jokes and laughing.

It didn’t help that I came home to some Facebook emails which only helped to pray on these feelings, the first is that one of my friends has yet again double booked himself and so was suggesting he cancelled me. An evening out was suggested around the town that OH used to live in. This town is a good 40 minutes from us, and is in the middle of no-where yet a group of my friends for the first time ever has decided that they want to go and explore this place – did not one of them think that this might be hard for me??

My other issue is my sister has unfortunately been worse than shit since my break up. The weekend I moved out she was amazing but since then the only thing she has done is tell me OH clearly never loved me and made vague offers of having me round to hers but never actually set a date. When I discussed me buying a house and put the suggestion to her or her and her partner coming up for a full weekend (Fri – Sun) once she said…”well no we wouldn’t do that but I would come and see you odd evenings!”

My sister and I have never gotten on, in fact the only time we don’t argue is when we don’t see each other – this is something she will openly admit also. All through school we clearly had our own groups of friends, and when our friends (who had siblings with the same age gap as my sister and I) started ‘hanging out’ together, the one thing my sister and I could agree on was that we didn’t want to hang out with each other and each others friends.

However recently she seems to have forgotten this I have a Uni friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years who is coming back to the UK for one night only. Now this sounds petty (and probably is) but he is my Uni friend, he got to know my sister in the short time he lived not far from me and I would have him round for the night and because I was living with my folks and my sister he got to know her, but he was my friend. However on this one night only when I have a chance to have a proper catch up and see him she’s coming and I know it sounds awful but I don’t want her there – she has her work colleagues, her multiple friends, her successful relationship, her house with her partner, must she take my few friends as well?

I know I am being pathetic, but it would appear that everywhere I am turning at the moment brings up more proof to the fact that I am over looked – noticed from last nights drama meeting were circulated this morning, and everything was on there…except the clothing issue that I mentioned. (A quick text to the person sending out the notice confirmed that he had just overlooked me and he was sorry) I walk into the office and no-one says good morning, and I go to sit out my desk. The lay out of our office is no different to any other office, the desks are nested together around the office with two groups of two, a group of four, and then one solitary desk alone in the corner….anyone want to guess who is sat at the loan desk?

P.s This head state lead to me texting OH at 1am this morning with three simple words “I Miss You”, as he is the only person ever who has put me first – he hasn’t responded!

I don’t need him… I want him

Ok yes I am going back there, I tried not to, I didn’t want my blog or life to revolve around my break-up and more importantly I am very much aware I am dancing down the line of being slightly boring but I had an epiphany this weekend and I am afraid I am going to have to share it with you.

I had a lovely weekend, Friday night I had BD for a few hours, which I loved every second of. We cuddle and play and he was even allowed to take him muzzle of for a while (Mity was cuddled up on the sofa next to my dad) and BD only panics if dogs come into his face so he was allowed to play with Mitys toys for a while and he loved every second of it. He squeaked a plastic cupcake to death (Mity looked at him like he was a dog possessed) and played fetch until his dad came to take him home.

Saturday I went for a my morning bike ride – I have found a little circuit that I do which has a couple of hills and takes me about an hour. I love it, have officially become hooked on cycling to the extent that this Saturday I donned waterproof clothing before going out because, yes I am one of those crazy bike people who done lycra and cycle in the rain – I have no idea how that happened! Saturday night a good friend came by and we ate far too much good food – allowed though because I had had my bike ride that morning.

Sunday morning I went for a 3 hour walk with a friend (I am suffering from this today, and am hobbling like a woman possessed!) before nipping to the shops and having tea with my family. However it was on Sunday I had this epiphany….

I don’t need OH in my life – I thought I did but I have friends husbands who are going to help out with my cycling needs, I have friends who want to walk for hours with me at the weekend, I am even learning how to get through the night with a hot water bottle instead of him.

But I want him there, something funny happens and go for my phone to tell him, I visit places and want to share them with him, I see something advertised on TV and think I must remember to set it up to record.

What do you do when you want something you can’t have? I don’t need OH for my life to function, but having him in my life means I am living a life I love rather than just functioning!

I’m so excited!!

Tonight I get to see BD, and ok it will only be for a few hours but I am looking forward to it so much that I couldn’t sleep last night.

I am worried however that seeing him for a few hours is a completely selfish act? Am I not better to let him forget all about me? Will it be too traumatic for him to see me and have to leave me again? Will it hurt me to much to see BD and OH?

I am hoping that the weather will be nice so we can go on a nice walk, but I am a complete wuss and so if it is too dark we will just stay at my parents, play with Mitys toys and cuddle on the floor. Mity and BD have always gotten on fine, until one day I let my guard down and BD had a growl at Mity – I will never forgive myself for that laps in judgement as now they are only ever so slightly on edge when they are together. Or are they, my dad had them both one day while I took mum shopping and he said they were fine together so I hope I’m not putting an edgy feeling into the room?

I just want the few hours I have with BD to be amazing, and not to have to worry – I love him so much! OH said to me would I be as upset about the break-up if I wasn’t loosing the dog and house as well, and I must admit this is something I have thought about.

I am trying not to put too much emphasis on tonight in terms of me and OH. I have had friends advise me to look my best, remind him what he is missing, I have had other people tell me not to do this and cut them both out of my life forever, one friend told me to dress smart casual and when I suggested skinny jeans and a hoody the comment back was “do it you have a great arse” so things aren’t all bad! However I do know I will be gutted when he doesn’t fall on his knees and beg me to take him back and there is a tiny part of me that is questioning if my need to see BD is tied in to my need to see OH? Although I know that if OH wasn’t dropping him off I would still want to see him, but hey I like to stress and analyse every scenario!

One of my friends has strongly advised me against tonight, saying that if I want OH back I should completely cut him out of my life for the next three months otherwise how will he know that he wants me? This makes me sad, angry, concerned and worried. Why when it comes to something as life changing as matters of the heart do we have to play games? Why do you have to play hard to get to get the guy? Why do boys from a young age decide pushing a girl over in the playground is the way to show you care?

Why is it so wrong to wear your heart on your sleeve?

Comfortably numb

Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.

I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….

I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home, only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….

I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring (yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears) my only complaint was that was sometimes grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.

I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!

However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left ( a book and a dvd, not his bank card before you ask!). The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.

I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few minutes what do I live for?

p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!

P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!