2 mugs.

I’m going to start by saying I am well aware of how this makes me sound! I am also going to point out that I know this isn’t particularly well written or coherent, but I’ve tried for well written and coherent 3 times and failed so now I am just going for ‘out of my head and published!!’

Walking past the ex’s house this morning (dropping off BD, not a crazy stalker thank you very much!) it appeared that he had laid out two mugs next to the kettle rather than the one that he usually leaves out.

I don’t know how I feel.

Sad – no, not so much.

Happy – let’s not get carried away!!

Relieved – maybe, just a tad.

You see, although maybe not fair, it is easier to think that everything my ex told me is a lie. I know that that is probably unfair to him, and that life is not that black and white. But for me, if he was lying when he said “I love you” then I wasn’t left by someone who loved me. The idea that he could say and mean everything he said and meant terrifies me. It means it can happen again (and although I know it can) it is easier for me if he didn’t love me. If he only liked me a lot well then that means that I wasn’t left by the man who loved me, it means there is a chance that the next one will fall in actual love with me and that the next guy won’t leave. You see the hard bit is supposed to be finding someone who loves you. It’s that bit that is tricky. But love, love conquers everything, it is the strongest bond, the unbreakable bond and if he loved me and still left…

When we broke up he told me that if he couldn’t be with me he didn’t want anyone. If I couldn’t make him happy he was looking at a lifetime alone, and although I would never wish that on anyone (especially not him) when he fines someone new I can mark those comments up as another ‘said but not meant’. It would be yet more evidence that actually it was me that was the problem, I wasn’t enough.

I don’t know how that will make me feel.

I know it will come one day, but not knowing when is killing me. So part of me hopes that that day is today; that the two coffee mugs on the side are a sign that he spent the night with someone.

The other reason I want him to be seeing someone is BD. It would take a very confident, understanding, woman to deal with me continuing to have access to BD. To understand that it isn’t about seeing the ex, but a dog who I have loved for years and continue to love even now. I am terrified that when the ex starts dating someone knew they will put an end to me having visitation right. However, if that has happened today, if he is seeing someone then they are ok with me having BD as I have him booked in for dates right up until Feb when the ex goes away.

I feel this is the last hurdle I have to overcome. I know it will be hard, I know it will be shitty. But I am so sick of feeling it is on the horizon. Plus I think it will be the final kick up the arse I need to, I don’t know. Not move on as the reason I am still single is more a lack of datable men than me refusing to date. But it would be another horrible milestone overcome and survived.

A bad weekend

I’ve had a bad weekend, and the words won’t come. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know how to say it. My brain is fried and on some levels I am only just holding things together.

I don’t want to not post today, but everything is so jumbled I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to start pulling apart the threads.

I went to see Wicked this weekend.

It contains this song….I barely kept it together.

My inability to keep it together lead to a huge fight with a close friend and my kid sister.

To make matter worse, I had to contact the ex about removing my final things from his house and he managed to turn that into a huge fight making me feel like an idiot for ever loving such a heartless jerk…..

Hopefully I’ll be in a better place tomorrow. X


How can he do this to me?

That is the one question I have avoided asking throughout this entire process. I have had people ‘helpfully’ point out that if he really loves.. (loved?).. me then he shouldn’t have put me through this. However I have always answered “because he needs so space to sort his head out, he has been hurt and he is now trying to fix himself so that he can possibly fix us” or “we couldn’t go on as we were, I was doubting his feelings for me, he was withdrawn and grumpy…we need this. It’ll do us good” and although I still strongly believe this in my heart last night I muttered the immortal words “how can he do this to me” while stood outside the house I used to live in, sobbing uncontrollably and feeling my heartbreak into even smaller fragments.

Yesterday morning I got a text from OH ironically saying that he hadn’t slept at all last night and so would not be able to the 30 minutes journey to pick up BD from my parents house so that I could see him. However generously he did say that I could collect him and walk him around the village that I used to call home, in the dark, alone, praying not to run into any of the neighbours to have to explain why I was there! All day the decision chewed me up, but I decided that I wanted to see BD. I already feel like I have let him down massively, and to not come and see him last night was not an option. So I drove home.

BD greeted me happily at the door and hurried to bring me inside the house, I stood on the doorstep, unable to look OH in the face as I tool BDs lead and told him I wouldn’t be long. I couldn’t face the village so instead I headed down a track to a local field. BD ran around like a crazy thing and loved every minute, he chased sticks (yep even in the dark he wanted to play with sticks) chased sniffs, and ran around like a loon, occasionally barking loudly at me when my sobbing got too loud – this is always his way to cheer someone up, although it will then involve a tennis ball and some growls! (Please don’t think I sobbed the entire time – just a few minutes here and there of heart wrenching, stand still whole body shaking tears, then I would resume playing and talking to BD). It was during one of these moments that I muttered the words, although to who I don’t know.

The break-up I get, the time apart, the burying his feeling over the last relationship and letting it screw up ours, the completely ruining my life fine, but to be so selfish and/or thoughtless that I had to go through that last night…..?


A picture of my carrot cupcakes, to end on something a bit more yummy!

De-nile…not just a river in Egypt

So after a quick Google search to ensure that the Nile is in Egypt, which lead to a further search to see if Egypt was in Africa – and I got a B in Geography GCSE!!…

Yep sorry folks I went there! Turns out that not only in de-Nile a river in Egypt, which according to Wikipedia is in Africa (every day is a school day!) but it is also a spare room, in a semi-detached in Yorkshire. Sometime yesterday or early this morning I realised that I am living in complete and utter denial about my situation. The move out came about last weekend when OH was out of the country with his friends, and so I was the one who stood outside at 5am in the morning and watched him drive away with BD in the boot of the car, went back into the house and fall apart. (I won’t repeat the name one of my friends called OH when I told her this was the plan!)

At first I thought it made perfect sense for me to move out the weekend he was away with his friends, we had dates in our diaries for a couple of weekend prior which we were attending as a couple(ish) and so why not move out once all that was over with. Plus it meant that I got to spend a few more weeks living in my house, with BD and him, enjoying my life…..

As the weeks passed and we slipped back into living as we had post holiday, I think my denial of the situation grew… but you see you don’t walk hand in hand across fields if you don’t love each other right? You don’t fall asleep on their shoulder every evening if there are problems? You don’t still make love, if you’re leaving? but we did. Many times I turned to OH and said I can’t believe this is happening….

The split we are going through is complicated! OH has told me he still loves me, I have asked if the love has changed… if he sees me more as a friend… a sister… but he says not. I have asked if there was anything about me I could change….(yes I went there) he assured me I perfect. I asked what was going on in his head, and the explanation was “I have locked part of myself away after my past relationships screwed me up, and until I can unlock that part of your self, and love you as fully as you love me, then I do not deserve to be with you, and it is making me miserable” (Ok not a direct quote, but you get the gist!)

So now my life is on hold, I don’t and can’t hate him…. I want him to be happy! but I can’t move on from this pain, this agonising hurt or start to feel anything but numb until I know where his head. I am not going to wait forever, and I have given him the deadline of 31st Dec (rather poetic I thought!) so for now I just wait….

The problem is…knowing that he is on holiday…knowing that on Saturday he will come home for the first time to our empty house I have somehow gotten it into my head that this means on Saturday night he will come back to me, that he will be outside my door begging for me to come back. This feeling inside is helping me get up in the morning, and reduced the number of crying fits I am having.

The sensible part of me knows that that will not happen, but the majority of me…the part that hoped we would be getting married in Dec rather than separating in October… is holding onto this hope with every fibre and I don’t know what I am going to do when he doesn’t.

Comfortably numb

Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.

I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….

I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home, only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….

I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring (yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears) my only complaint was that was sometimes grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.

I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!

However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left ( a book and a dvd, not his bank card before you ask!). The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.

I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few minutes what do I live for?

p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!

P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!

it’s not fair!

I know, I know, life isn’t but right now I just want to stamp my foot, throw a toddler style tantrum and curl up under my duvet until sometime next year.

Turns out me living in my fantasy world of “maybe if I just pretend really hard” hasn’t had the desired affect and I am still looking at moving out of my house next weekend. I don’t want to put up lots of wallowing posts, but I’m struggling to put a positive spin on what is happening at the moment.

I keep telling myself, this will all be for the best in the long run… if we make it through this we will be stronger and all the disagreements we had previously… marriage, children, him unable or unwilling to commit … will be done and sorted. If we don’t then it just wasn’t meant to be, that there is someone better out there for both of us… but I’m sick of it, and I don’t buy the crap I’m spouting.

I was happier than I ever thought possible, with someone who I fell more and more in love with as I spent time with him. Living in our little house, with our dog, building a life in the country involving expensive wellies, mud and stunning scenery. A life that I never knew I wanted, but was everything I need.

I want to shout at someone, blame someone… this isn’t fair, I haven’t done anything wrong. In previous relationships there has been a reason as to why the end has come… my ex was controlling, another of my ex’s moved to Germany, his ex’s cheated… but I haven’t miss behaved, and according to OH he hasn’t stopped loving me. He just can’t commit… love me fully… see me every day..

It’s shit!

If love isn’t enough….

You take an AMAZING two week holiday to the South of France…. finally have the conversation you have been dreading in the middle of the holiday…. agree that you can’t go on the way you are … think sod it and go for a very expensive weekend in Paris where you put everything on hold until you return to the real world…. get back home, but face the fact that it isn’t your home any more and start house hunting.

Breaking with every beat

OH told me this last night, and then said he was so impressed with it I could use it on my blog – well that’s good enough for me!

I have been in two minds about whether or not to post this all day, but I am hoping it will help for me to put this out there and hopefully means I can pull myself together enough to enjoy the next two weeks.

OH and I are going on a ‘make or break’ trip away to see if we can see a way through all the shit and somehow save our relationship, or you can come up with some earth shattering advice to save us. I wish I could tell you he is a b*$%*&%d and that it will be the best day of my life when we separate and go our separate way, however that is simply not the case…

Being with OH has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, I am a better person than I have ever been and the relationship has been more than I ever thought a relationship could be.

He has been massively hurt in the past, and I have told him I think he fears commitment, I have told him getting married is not important to me, but the stumbling block is I want kids and he doesn’t.

The Christmas presents and birthday present I have already bought are now hidden away, and I don’t know if I will be with him to give them to him on those special days. Our big trip away in December to celebrate his birthday is now up in the air, the time already booked off work…

Honestly, I am already moving myself out the house he says knowing that I would be sacrificing so much to stay in a relationship with him makes him unhappy, the last thing I want to do is force him to stay in a relationship that makes him unhappy so…..

Is love enough to overcome everything? What do you do if it isn’t?