A good old-fashioned moan!

Good oh. So for once I am all organised, have two blog posts scheduled to go out and then something happens and they both go out on the same day within about an hour of each other. I’m blaming WordPress, is it just me who can’t find a bloody thing on this ‘new and improved’ dashboard?! And that’s another thing, who says it’s new and improved. I don’t. I find it clunky and I can’t find anything I want. Takes a deep breath!

Anywho, now that that’s out the way what can I tell you? For once I am uber organised and have made lists of potential blog topics but I am just not feeling them right now. Maybe in the future they will see the light of day, but for today I think I am in too much of a grump. And what may you ask has put me in such a bad mood? I am afraid to say it is looking at my stats for my blog. I seem to be loosing readers with every blog post that I write. I know that stats don’t matter. I know that I am here for the community, for the sense I get from you all… but I have a small confession. The stats affect me.

You see I started this blog to become one of those people who could stay at home and blog full time while raising a child (or two.) Or I wanted to become a travel sensation, I wanted people to fawn over me and offer me free trips to Alaska (genuinely picked from the top of my head!) I wanted to be successful.

Then I started my blog, and suddenly I realised that what mattered most was the people. I suddenly had a load (yes 5 is a load, ask anyone!) of people who cared enough to comment and come by and say hi. I realised this was what mattered and my focus changed and I stopped looking at the stats.

But since I changed to publishing twice a week, the comments seem to be falling off too. I started off assuming people were busy, or just didn’t have something to say – I know I often read a blog and really want to comment but can’t think of something to say. But as my comments fall off too, I am started to worry it is me.

It doesn’t help that this slump has coincided with a new job where I deal with a lot of bloggers on a daily basis. I see what some of those bloggers are doing and again I can’t help but compare “why them and not me?” To sound big headed some of the bloggers I deal with I even go as far as to think I am doing it better… although the vast majority I am just in awe of.

I think part of the problem is everything is up in the air. The new relationship has got me questioning all sorts of stuff. A lot of it to do with trusting myself, and awful lot to do with trusting him. Just because the last two guys I was with turned out to be liars, doesn’t mean he will too. But then again it doesn’t mean he won’t. I feel myself getting needy and I hate it. I was a strong independent woman before he came on the scene, but now going 3 hours without him replying to a text has me writing a long ranty blog post about stats and comments, and I know deep down if a text from him came in right now, suddenly the world would be filled with roses and puppy dog tails and everything would be ok.

I hate that this has happened.

I hate that I miss him when I am not with him.

I hate that I am over-analysing every part of the relationship.

It makes me worry.

When I am with him it feels so right I can’t imagine that I we have only been together for such a short time. He comes to stay and we stay up all evening talking, because I want to spend the most of every moment I have with him. When he leaves I miss him. But then the voices start. The voices which are quiet when I am with him. “What if I’m wrong… What if he’s a liar too. ..What if he’s walks away. How will I ever trust another man if it turns out he is full of bull too…”

The really awful bit is he has done nothing to deserve any of the negative thoughts I am having. I mean, the man came round on Monday night and sat watching Made in Chelsea, under a fluffy bunny blanket, with Poppy hoping all over him. The man is allergic to rabbits and yet sits and cuddles with my rabbit because he knows it makes me happy (and maybe because he knows that if he complained there is a very strong chance that Poppy would be cuddling with me, and he would be outside in the hutch!)

I thought the start of a relationship was supposed to be all flowers and romance and happy thoughts. Not doubts and niggles. Only they aren’t really doubts or niggles they are issues from my past raising their ugly heads, they are fears about taking a risk. It means I am worrying about the most insignificant things, and then blowing the insignificant thing into mountains…

and he still hasn’t text!

Our First Fight

I suppose it was inevitable, with everything moving so quickly our first fight would also happen within the first few weeks. It was a stupid fight, brought about by a miss-interpreting a message, a mixture of pain pills and him refusing to believe me when I told him I was not in a bad mood. .. I’ll leave you to decide who was in the wrong.

The problem for me wasn’t so much the fight itself. Everyone fights. It was more the not knowing what was going to happen post fight, when we both decided to talk to each other again.

As far as I was concerned, the fight didn’t stop me from caring about him. It didn’t stop me from wanting to be with him. It just meant that I was annoyed with him, and his refusal to talk it through.

But it made me worry about where his head was, where it is?

I know that if a simple miss-understanding is enough to make him walk away from me, he doesn’t deserve me. But I worry about what that will mean for me if he does. I believed that me and my ex would survive; I was wrong. I don’t want to be wrong about this being something too.

I worry that if I am wrong I won’t be able to trust myself to read any situations.

I worry what it will mean for any future relationships – well I worry that there just won’t be any future relationships. That I will just walk away from it all.

I know that if he walks away now, I will be beyond gutted, but I will survive. I’ve already been through heartbreak and come out stronger. But my inner demons, the concerns about not understanding situations – if I am wrong about this, about him, about us; I am worried they will win!

Can you have a relationship without the game playing?

One of the things I was adamant about when I went on the dating scene was I wanted to be free from any game playing. I didn’t want to wait for a minute and a half longer than the time it had taken him to respond. I didn’t want to analyse every text for hidden messages, I just wanted to be able to speak my mind. Go for the honest, open angle for once and have it not bite me on the ass.

But then I met someone. The I fell for him.

And all of a sudden keeping him interested and not scaring him away became my main objectives. I thought things were going well. To begin with we talked honestly and openly. We both shared secrets and thoughts within days of meeting. We both admitted things, feelings, were happening crazily fast. I thought it was going well.

Then we had our first fight. Suddenly it went from ‘perfect’ to “why isn’t he replying to my message when I can see he has read it.” I started to worry about what it meant for our future, if he would stick around to make up after our fight and so I turned to friends for their advice.

I was told “not make it too easy for him; Play hard to get. Don’t reply too soon. He’s being a drama queen, ignore the painkillers he’s on, he should be treating you better”

I went from being perfectly happy, to feeling like I was playing a game, and the prize was the future I wanted with him.

I started playing the games. Having won the game of who would text first, I waited 45 minutes before replying to his very casual, very short message and then I went back to clock watching again. It’s been an hour and he hasn’t responded, but he hasn’t read it so perhaps he’s asleep…

I watched helplessly as my simple, honest relationship appeared to descend into one of game playing and out manoeuvring and the real nightmare is it could be all in my head. I can’t get to see him. I can’t contact him over anything but text (and text messages are currently not my friend) so I over analyse and ask other people desperate for someone to tell me that this will be ok. That I am worth it. That he won’t leave me as easily as my ex did.

I don’t want this, but I don’t know how not to.

We need to talk

I feel like I’ve jinxed it. Literally hours after sharing my post declaring to the world (well you lot) that I am hopelessly in love with this guy, and now I feel we are hurtling full pelt into our first argument. I didn’t even see it coming. In fact I don’t even see how we are there now.

I think it’s him. He has hurt his back really badly and so we have to cancel date night for a while. I am obviously gutted as I miss him like crazy, despite it only being days since I last saw him. I think part of the problem is we don’t know when we will next see each other, it is all reliant on him getting better so we can meet up again. I would go and see him, but at the moment he’s crashing at his parents and it is far too soon to do the meeting the folks bit. So we are stuck, waiting. The ‘brilliant’ doctor that he saw didn’t actually bother to identify what he had done to himself, and so we don’t know what’s wrong or how long it will take to heal.

I think this could be adding to the stress.

Plus he is on a whole concoction of painkillers, obviously in pain and feel bad about being the cause of cancelling the date… so I am trying to be understanding. But after a day of talking back and forth, me telling him I wish I could do more, look after him, see him. Suddenly I have had an attitude problem all day and am giving him grief!

I have no idea where he has gotten that impression from.

I have re-read the messages and I STILL have no idea where he got that impression from.

So the voices started. I know we don’t really know each other, but surely he should know me enough to know I am not like that? I don’t blame him. Then I worry he is trying to control me, my other exes have, so is this some sort of control thing where despite claiming he likes I am a strong, independent woman (a heart-break will do that to you) he doesn’t and so he is trying to change me. What if he is trying to turn me into a shadow… then I worry that if I am thinking these thoughts am I wrong about him being my future, about this being something special… The I feel I should just give him a break, he is ill. Plus I don’t want my past demons to mess up my future. But I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I apologise? He’s the one who has misread something, shouldn’t he be the one to say sorry?

Funny really. I worried once I was all loved up I would run out of things to write about, but looks like I have can open a whole new can of neurosis!

So this wasn’t expected

I’m not a natural writer; in fact I wouldn’t even go as far to as to call myself a writer. I am a woman who spills her guts onto a blog, which to my continued amazement people read and respond to. The way I right is I have a story that needs to be told, and out it spills. Over time I have tried I shelve one story and write another, and I can’t. The story that I try to shelve almost insists on being written and I fight ‘writers’ block until I just give in and accept that the story is going to published; whether or not I want it to be.

Which leads me to this story.

It’s about a guy. It’s about a guy that I had a date with. (You can read about my pre-first date thoughts here)

Well I was right. It was something. In fact it has become something very quickly… I think I’m in love with him.

(Yes, here is where you send for the guys in the white coats!)

The good news is, this isn’t a one way thing. Due to my phone accidentally dumping the guy after our second date, we ended up in a conversation about how we felt about each other. Yep, second date in (which happened 2 days after the first date) and we are both having a much too soon conversation about how we feel like we have known each other for years, and how we both have a feeling this could be something special.

13 days in and we are officially exclusive.

13 days in and we have banned each other from using the L word, as we don’t want to rush things. Yet I have so nearly already said it to him about a million times.

13 days in and I know he is hunting for engagement rings.

He’s already been to mine, he has stopped over a few times. About 4 days into knowing him I fell asleep in his arms, which you may think is stupid but 2 days in I got into his car and trusted him to surprise me with a day out where I didn’t know where I was going so… (Don’t worry, I am not 100% insane, people did have his photo, car photo, name and phone number… At least if he had murdered me he wouldn’t have gotten away with it!)

I feel crazy feeling like this. I feel even more insane admitting it.

I know that if I am wrong about this it will destroy me; but I don’t feel wrong. It feels so right it is crazy. I can’t believe he has only been around for days.

The night Poppy escaped

I have gotten into a bit of a morning routine. My phone alarm goes off about 7am and then the radio clicks on a few minutes later and then I lie in bed for an undetermined amount of time (read usually too long!) before getting up and starting the day. However this morning the radio didn’t click on.

I lay there for a few minutes before deciding that I would treat myself to half an hour in bed watching tv and then get up. I went to flick on my TV and it wouldn’t turn on. I reached for my bedside lamp, went to turn that on and nothing – I think it may have been at this point I muttered my first expletive of the day!

I may have lay in bed for a few minutes wishing the whole situation away before realising I had no option but to get up and deal with it. The joys of being a modern independent woman!

I went downstairs, electricity off throughout the house.

I text my neighbour… he still had electricity.

I went to my fuse box (yes take a moment to praise me for knowing where the fuse box is!) but none of the switches were flicked down. Yep, I had you convinced I knew what I was doing for until about there I recon!

I flicked the biggest switch (i do know the name of that but I can’t remember it) ooo breaker (I remembered it!) and my telephone played a little tune and then died again as the switch came back down. I saw another switch that was down, but it wasn’t one of the room switches, but as this point I was thinking ‘what the hell’ so pushed that up. I then pushed back up the breaker switch. No song from my phone. So I unswitched the switch I had switched and decided I had had enough of being an independent lady; so I called my Dad.

NB as a side note I think I should tell you that my circuit board is situated above my front door, at the bottom of my stairs. To push the switches up I had to flick said switch while launching myself off the third step onto the bottom step. I tried this a few times before admitting defeat and going to get a ladder!

Once I had told Dad the whole story he admitted that he couldn’t think of anything to do that I hadn’t done. So he told me to get ready for work and he would come up that evening.

NB I should also mention that it was as this point I realised my entire house is at the mercy of electricity. I had a gas boiler, but it is controlled by an electric switch. I wasn’t allowed to put a gas hob in my kitchen, due to not having an outside door, and so I have an electric cooker and of course an electric kettle. I don’t have an electric shower – woo hoo – but the water is heated by the boiler  – no woo hoo! I was facing going to work smelly or suffering a cold shower.

It was at this point my lovely neighbour offered to come round and have a look for me, and bring me a coffee. (I know took him long enough, right!) As I was waiting for him to come and bring me my coffee (yes, I had decided I was also going to try and blag shower off him) I decided I would go and cuddle Poppy to cheer myself up.

I unlocked the conservatory door and stopped dead.

The bottom section of her cage was open and she was no where to be seen.

NB another side note. Currently my conservatory is doubling as the dumping ground for anything I still need for the DIY etc. It is full to burst with bits of wood, old pallets, bags of dust cloths etc. You can’t see the floor, and my rabbit was hidden somewhere in this mess.

NB NB. I know I had locked the cage door properly as this wasn’t the only time I have noticed the door open. The first time I thought I had just neglected to shut the cage properly and blamed myself. But since that incident I have been so thorough with double checking. Anywho, back to the story…

I don’t know why this was my first thought process, but I went to check the double doors between my conservatory and the outside world were locked. They were shut but I wanted to check they were locked, I was ruling out her escaping from them, despite them being closed. I was clearly somehow imagining she had opened them, left, and then closed them behind her! Anyway, turn back from the locked doors I noticed her little bum hidden behind my freezer. (Yes, there is currently a freezer in my conservatory. It’s my over flow freezer and one day it will live in the loft, just as soon as said loft isn’t filled with my Dads tools.) She scarped when I went to reach for her, but luckily so only scarpered into a better place to be caught.

I picked her up, gave her a MASSIVE hug and kiss and then put her back into her cage; ensuring I put wood in front of the door so it couldn’t swing open again.

I then went to look at the damage.

Turns out my boasting to someone about my “good little rabbit who doesn’t chew cables” has now developed a cable chewing habit. She had completely frayed the wire. I unplugged the freezer, ran back and launched myself off the third step to try my break and whooped out loud when I had electricity again (I may also have turned a lot of things on to check!)

At this point my neighbour arrived with my coffee and I filled him in on my discovery.

Suffice to say Poppy is now padlocked into her cage and I am considering ways to heat water in my house without electricity!

Less is more… I hope!

So as I am coming to terms with this new routine, I have decided that I am going to reduce my number of weekly posts. I feel I owe it to you, those who come and visit my little corner of the net, to make sure that when you come and visit it is to read something worth while, interesting and well written (If you are lucky, you may get 2 out of 3!) and I am doing neither of us any good with my writing rubbish to get my week daily post up, and you wasting your valuable time reading dross.

Therefore I have decided to drop down and post less often.

The aim is to plan out some sort of schedule so I know when to post… but then this whole bank holiday appeared and, to be completely honest I was too busy having fun with friends family, and…

having my second and third date with him

Yes, the first date went well. Really really well and I felt the spark. We are both being very sensible and taking it slow, but we have already decided that we are exclusive so I think that starts a whole new chapter. Anyway, that’s a different story for another time.

For the moment however I just wanted to let you know where my head is with publishing on here, and once I know when I will be posting well I will be sure to let you know!

Hugs

When did story telling become so wrong?

I have just read a blog review about the new Cinderella movie, and I have to say it has annoyed me enough that I feel a need to put “pen to paper” so to speak. Now before we go any further I think it is fair to highlight I have not yet seen the film, and so I cannot comment as to the ‘lack of hidden feminist tones’ within the new film. I probably should also remind you all that I am single, have no children and so perhaps it may happen that one day I too will be appalled as my young daughter watches a film dreaming, admiring the pretty dresses and sparkly shoes rather than being spoon fed a message about how she does not need a man, she is her own strong woman etc etc etc.

I don’t know why, but this particular review generally had me spitting feathers at the end of it. The writer complaining about how various characters were portrayed and seemed unimpressed by the life lessons that the children will come away with it from.

Firstly can I say

IT’S. A. FILM.

Secondly can I say it’s a film, based on a book, that you would have to have spent many years say I don’t know, living under a rock, to not already know at least the vague plot-line before the film was released this year.

It contains the heroine, the handsome prince and then a variety of other characters. The wicked step mother, the ugly sisters, a FAIRY GODMOTHER. The fairy TALE contains a dress made by magic and glass slippers, a man who would search heaven and earth for the one he loves… and in previous adaptations it has also starred singing mice and a pumpkin which turns into a carriage. The whole point is it is a fairy TALE. It is not real life, it is not something to be held up as a source from which we should get life lessons.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I watch a film it is to escape reality. Just for a few hours, I want to imagine that love does conquer all; that everyone finds their happily ever after. It is a fantasy. It is fiction.

If you don’t like the lessons your child will get from watching the film, then you know what don’t take them to see it. This isn’t compulsory viewing.

I get that society is shifting. I worry daily reading about ISIS and other hard-line fanatics and as a woman who recently was held back in her job purely for being a woman, I find it truly scary that this stuff is still happening today. However, I feel the place to make the stand and fight the fight is in the real world, not by taking aim at a fantasy film. Get up in arms about young girls feeling peer pressured into being thin, or pretty. Complain about the over use of photo shop and altered images, without any disclaimer identifying the image as ‘fantasy’. Get mad that woman are still been seen as second class citizens even in the UK.

Don’t get up-in-arms that a fantasy film, a chance to escape, sells you a story of happily ever after and everything being all right in the end. God knows she will learn soon enough that that is not the case, but why not let her have a little hope in her heart? Where’s the harm in giving her the hope that she too will find her Handsome Prince?

She will grow up. That little girl will grow into a woman, and with your love and guidance she will be kick ass. But why not give her a little time to be that little girl? Does she really need to grow up so quickly?

Another First Date

So tonight I have a date again, and I feel about as enthusiastic about it as I sound.

The problem is the guy is great. I really like him. Personality wise I like him more than anyone I have met online so far. He comes across as confident, his sense of humour is bang on, and we have been back and forth on texts pretty much none stop since we ‘met’. We stay up talking until late and start up all over again the next day. I am excited, I am nervous and I possibly want this to go somewhere more than I want anything to go anywhere in a long time.

Part of me feels confident that it will.

I know. I can’t believe I am thinking it, never mind admitting to you guys. But I do. I think that this guy who I have never met may be something significant in my life.

Yet that terrifies me.

If I turn up and there is no spark. If I turn up and he decided thanks but no thanks…

I honestly don’t know how I will rebound from it. After the ex and the bullying I don’t fully trust myself, and I wish I felt anything but like this about this guy.

Tonight is a make and break date; either it will go well and I will be starting a new, exciting future potentially with someone pretty awesome or it won’t and I will be taking a break from the world of dating for a very long time. Which if I am honest would really suck, as for the first time I feel confident I am ready for a new beginning.

Wish me luck

I’m enough!

Now some of you will know I have been a little concerned about Poppy being an only rabbit. I have read lots of articles which talk about how sociable rabbits are and so I have been back and forth over whether or not I needed to add another rabbit to my life.

Of course the thought of adding up another rabbit created its own set of questions and concerns. Namely cost, but then space and the whole bonding of rabbits and what happens if they don’t bond… I have spent a lot of time mulling over the whole thing.

However today I went for a walking into town. I was on the hunt for some piping to use behind my settee, so that when Poppy goes behind it she can’t chew the skirting boards, or the carpet or the BACK. OF. MY. SETTEE! I went into a local odds and ends store and come across two lovely elderly gentlemen who apparently in past lives used to breed rabbits.

They identified the type of rabbit Poppy is. Apparently she is an Agouti; which is the closest to wild rabbit you can get from a pet rabbit (see I already sound cleverer, although they probably explained it better!) and after talking about ways to get her out of the biting habits I hit a pet shop and spent a small fortune on entertaining toys for her, so she could chew on those rather than on my stuff!

However, the one interesting thing I did learn was that actually this need for a second rabbit may not be necessary. Apparently if she is spending a large amount of time outside of the hut, she may in fact see me as a second rabbit and be completely happy.

Woo hoo