#PimpmyRabbit – #WordlessWednesday

Sorry, I know this is very hashtag heavy. Be impressed I resisted the urge to say #HashtagHeavy… almost! But life has gotten a little crazy again.

It’s all good crazy. Pretty great crazy in fact. But it is making finding time to create and write posts a lot harder, especially as I am really trying to re-focus my blog and ensure I am more about quality and quantity (it’s not what you do, but the way that you do it – am I right?!)

So today’s post was just gonna be a picture of Poppy, without any words… but turns out I can’t just not say something. Oh well, life lesson learnt there. Oh and this stays between us. I sent Raoul a link to a press release which claims scientists have proven woman talk less than men, (I feel there is a quicker way to say that,) and he is currently working hard to find examples to dispute this theory – let’s not give him the satisfaction!

So without further ado.. or talking.

Coming in for a cuddle
Coming in for a cuddle
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#PimpmyRabbit – Teeny Terror

The other night I was in the other room while Poppy completely destroyed exercised in my front room. On hearing an unusual noise I called out to her (I wasn’t in a position where I could go look)

“Oye, Teeny Terror what are you doing?”

I was expecting nothing, or worse than nothing a crash. However, instead I suddenly saw a very tiny nose peak round the corner of the room that I was in.

Yes my rabbit comes when she is called…

Although I don’t know if I should be impressed or a little mortified that she thinks her name is ‘Teeny Terror!’

Well if the shoe fits... (sorry for the quality but I wanted to grab the photo!)
Well if the shoe fits… (sorry for the quality but I wanted to grab the photo!)

The night Poppy escaped

I have gotten into a bit of a morning routine. My phone alarm goes off about 7am and then the radio clicks on a few minutes later and then I lie in bed for an undetermined amount of time (read usually too long!) before getting up and starting the day. However this morning the radio didn’t click on.

I lay there for a few minutes before deciding that I would treat myself to half an hour in bed watching tv and then get up. I went to flick on my TV and it wouldn’t turn on. I reached for my bedside lamp, went to turn that on and nothing – I think it may have been at this point I muttered my first expletive of the day!

I may have lay in bed for a few minutes wishing the whole situation away before realising I had no option but to get up and deal with it. The joys of being a modern independent woman!

I went downstairs, electricity off throughout the house.

I text my neighbour… he still had electricity.

I went to my fuse box (yes take a moment to praise me for knowing where the fuse box is!) but none of the switches were flicked down. Yep, I had you convinced I knew what I was doing for until about there I recon!

I flicked the biggest switch (i do know the name of that but I can’t remember it) ooo breaker (I remembered it!) and my telephone played a little tune and then died again as the switch came back down. I saw another switch that was down, but it wasn’t one of the room switches, but as this point I was thinking ‘what the hell’ so pushed that up. I then pushed back up the breaker switch. No song from my phone. So I unswitched the switch I had switched and decided I had had enough of being an independent lady; so I called my Dad.

NB as a side note I think I should tell you that my circuit board is situated above my front door, at the bottom of my stairs. To push the switches up I had to flick said switch while launching myself off the third step onto the bottom step. I tried this a few times before admitting defeat and going to get a ladder!

Once I had told Dad the whole story he admitted that he couldn’t think of anything to do that I hadn’t done. So he told me to get ready for work and he would come up that evening.

NB I should also mention that it was as this point I realised my entire house is at the mercy of electricity. I had a gas boiler, but it is controlled by an electric switch. I wasn’t allowed to put a gas hob in my kitchen, due to not having an outside door, and so I have an electric cooker and of course an electric kettle. I don’t have an electric shower – woo hoo – but the water is heated by the boiler  – no woo hoo! I was facing going to work smelly or suffering a cold shower.

It was at this point my lovely neighbour offered to come round and have a look for me, and bring me a coffee. (I know took him long enough, right!) As I was waiting for him to come and bring me my coffee (yes, I had decided I was also going to try and blag shower off him) I decided I would go and cuddle Poppy to cheer myself up.

I unlocked the conservatory door and stopped dead.

The bottom section of her cage was open and she was no where to be seen.

NB another side note. Currently my conservatory is doubling as the dumping ground for anything I still need for the DIY etc. It is full to burst with bits of wood, old pallets, bags of dust cloths etc. You can’t see the floor, and my rabbit was hidden somewhere in this mess.

NB NB. I know I had locked the cage door properly as this wasn’t the only time I have noticed the door open. The first time I thought I had just neglected to shut the cage properly and blamed myself. But since that incident I have been so thorough with double checking. Anywho, back to the story…

I don’t know why this was my first thought process, but I went to check the double doors between my conservatory and the outside world were locked. They were shut but I wanted to check they were locked, I was ruling out her escaping from them, despite them being closed. I was clearly somehow imagining she had opened them, left, and then closed them behind her! Anyway, turn back from the locked doors I noticed her little bum hidden behind my freezer. (Yes, there is currently a freezer in my conservatory. It’s my over flow freezer and one day it will live in the loft, just as soon as said loft isn’t filled with my Dads tools.) She scarped when I went to reach for her, but luckily so only scarpered into a better place to be caught.

I picked her up, gave her a MASSIVE hug and kiss and then put her back into her cage; ensuring I put wood in front of the door so it couldn’t swing open again.

I then went to look at the damage.

Turns out my boasting to someone about my “good little rabbit who doesn’t chew cables” has now developed a cable chewing habit. She had completely frayed the wire. I unplugged the freezer, ran back and launched myself off the third step to try my break and whooped out loud when I had electricity again (I may also have turned a lot of things on to check!)

At this point my neighbour arrived with my coffee and I filled him in on my discovery.

Suffice to say Poppy is now padlocked into her cage and I am considering ways to heat water in my house without electricity!

I weakened (sort of)

So having thought I would say no to seeing Bd for one final goodbye my resolve weakened. I didn’t want to look back in years to come and know I didn’t take advantage of spending every moment I could with him. It sounds stupid but I didn’t want to know that in the end I turned down even 5 minutes of time with him. So I told my ex a final goodbye walk would be nice, I wouldn’t take him over night but just spend a final hour cuddling with him, smelling his paws, and trying to embed every moment of Bd in my memory forever.

But we had to have a conversation to organise that, and his holier than thou “I am doing all of this for your own good” attitude got on my wick and so he was preaching about how good for me this was, and how hard on him I snapped and told him exactly what I thought of him.

I told him No, this sudden ban on seeing Bd was nothing to do with me. (Whether his excuse of his new woman being upset I was on the scene is true or not I can’t tell you) but this sudden change of heart now wasn’t anything to do with me. Anyone with half a brain can see I am well over him, getting into her bed 8 weeks after getting out of mine kinda turned off any remaining feelings I may have had. The hurt of what he did to me, that’s still very much with me, but any want to get back with him…. Plus I wasn’t the one manipulating situations so we had to continue to see each other, finding crappy excuses to drop Bd off at mine rather than letting me collect him from the garden, being in the f’in garden and coming out to say hi when I was able to collect Bd from the garden. I was the one who wanted to set up a rota and ideally never speak to each other ever again. I wasn’t the one in the ‘bad place, still hanging on’.

So I called him out and told him that “he had used me and how at least I knew now everything he ever said to me was utter bull.” That was it; no threats, no over reacting just a very measured response.

He went mental and vetoed me saying one final goodbye.

(Which just as a side note, never allowed to see Bd again as you think it was too hard on me but actually you had no problems with me coming round the house, picking him up and having him over night for one final time – who wants to bet he had plans and needed a dog sitter?)

After his little mental outburst I remained calm, and asked his permission to donate to charity the stuff I had for Bd at my house. Might sound silly but I wanted his permission now cause if not I can see him getting in contact in a month and asking where X was, or did I know what had happened to Y. Which is something I am keen to avoid! He responded saying that would be ok, and so I closed the conversation with a “Good Bye” There was nothing else to say. I had only maintained contact so I could see Bd, so I thought Good Bye kinda finished it off.

A few minutes passed then I received from him:

You will probably spit feathers for me saying this but I honestly wish you all the best in your new job and whatever the future brings you”

Did I ever mention I was dating a saint? I don’t know how to break this but I don’t care. I don’t want your good wishes, I want less than nothing to do with you. So I responded with the slightly juvenile, but very much needed

“That’s where you are very much mistaken. I stopped caring or having any reaction to anything you said an awfully long time ago!”

I’ve heard nothing since. I feel strange. There have been tears – so many tears. I miss Bd every second, and I know I will look out for him wherever I go. For the last few days seeing dog walkers out and about has been hell. But I also feel free. I am finally completely out of reach of my ex, no biting my tongue so I can keep seeing Bd, no reasons for him to drop around or manipulate situations so I saw him. I am finally completely and utterly free of that Jack ass – just wish it had been because he had been hit by a car rather than the reason being he took my dog.

Bd and I last year. I am going to miss him soooo much!!
Bd and I last year. I am going to miss him soooo much!!

It’s a No

That is it. The verdict is in and he has told me I am not allowed to see Bd any more.

He has however very kindly offered me one last goodbye, but I don’t think I can. I don’t know how I look into his eyes and know I will never see him again.

So I am going to say no. I don’t know if I will regret not having a final goodbye. But I’m just not strong enough!

I suddenly feel very alone

It’s strange but now that I am facing up to the very real chance of loosing Bd forever, I suddenly feel very alone!

I don’t know why, but I long to be back closer to my friends and family, and I am starting to worry if buying my little house and making a place for me away from them was actually a huge mistake. My house no longer feels like my home; and although I have Poppy to come home to I am wishing I didn’t have my house.

There is still no news on whether or not I am going to be allowed to see Bd again. I would like to think that he is giving it some really thought, but I know better than that. He’s too much of a coward and is waiting for another text from me to ask if he has made his mind up yet.

I am expecting him to say no. I am expecting to never see, or cuddle or stroke Bd again.

I won’t go and say goodbye. I have already decided that that will be too hard (although whether or not I will change my mind when I know 100% that it will be my very last chance, I am not sure.) I left him in his garden, with his dinner with a quick head rub and a shout of I love you over the fence. No long goodbye, just a see you later. I was stressed about being on time for work on my second day…

Had I know it would be the last time, I don’t know how I would have left. How I would have walked away! I was a little prepared for this, and so I did spend the week I had with him focusing on soaking up every moment. I kissed him, and cuddled him, and smelt him hoping that that would be enough to keep him in my memory forever.

I know the decision hasn’t been made yet… But I am not hopeful.

For the last few months I have been dealing with the fact that dogs aren’t around for long enough. The fact we outlast them is so… sucky. With Mity being ill before Christmas I was very aware of their mortality. With my ex being an ass I have been trying to figure out exactly how long I would have to put up with him in my life; how long Bd would live for.

But to have him taken from me… that’s too soon. It was always going to be too soon, but this is just so cruel.

I hate my ex. I hate him for every lie he told; for every promise he broke. I hate him for taking 8 weeks to get out of my bed and into someone elses. I hate him for making me fall in love with him, for allowing me to give him my heart and then brush it aside so carelessly. But when I had Bd I forgot about all that. I didn’t care about the hurt, the heartache cause out of all that rubbish he had given me Bd and he was worth it. Bd was worth it.

Now that Bd is gone (or going) hate doesn’t feel a strong enough word!

He knows

I don’t know how he does it but he seems to have this inbuilt ability to know when I am finally in a good place and he picks that exact moment to re-appear in my life and rock the boat. Friday I was happy. I was in a really good place. I love my new job. Felt settled and in control and everything seemed to be going well for me. I was feeling positive about the future and this is when he chose his moment to strike.

Apparently the text I sent him while he was away hurt him deeply, and so for the good of me (he’s just so self-less) he thinks I should cut all contact with BD. He has decided I am not over him, and that (for the first time in 18 months) that this is upsetting his partner and so he thinks contact should end. He also (for the first time EVER) said that we both agreed this was only ever a short term agreement – b*llocks!!

Of course he told me all this over text. Apparently something like this didn’t deserve a phone call or face to face conversation – honestly what I ever saw in him!

I asked if there was any way he would change his mind, I explained that I knew the text would have upset him but since sending it I had had time to think and I was most certainly not still hung up on him… he said he would think about it. I wish he hadn’t. Him taking time to think about it means there is hope. Means he could still let me see Bd again. So I feel I am once again in no mans land being dangled on a rope.

I have thought about walking away from Bd. Taking the power out of his hands and telling him to shove it… but I can’t. I am not a person who can walk away from a dog I made a promise to. He doesn’t get to turn me into that person. So I leave the ball in his court.

I hope he makes his decision soon, I didn’t sleep last night and if I have more heartache to get over I want to make a start on it!

Do I have enough love?

I’m an idiot. I have had a small panic that letting poppy into my life has somehow lessoned the love I have available for Bd and Mity. I don’t know what has brought it on. But I was worried, would I get board of BD, would I resent having the two of them together?

I think part of this panic was brought on by a conversation I had with my counsellor. Knowing the ex is going away on our holiday with his new squeeze brought on tears and it upset me as I thought I had officially finished crying over him. She asked me how different my life would be if I didn’t have BD. If I had completely made the cut, and had no contact with the ex. No seeing him whenever he decides he wants to see me* no jumping when he says how high.

The problem is I promised him. I promised him I would walk out on him and I can’t break that promise. I don’t want the ex to force me to break that promise. My counsellor made the good point that Bd won’t know after all he ‘just a dog’ (although as a dog lover herself she did say she knows that isn’t actually the case) but I will know. I will know I broke my promise to him. I will know I walk away.

But it is hard. Having the ex dangle me on a lease well it makes me hate him. I sometimes wonder if he knows that when Bd is no more I am done. I will be walking out that door never to see or hear from him again. But until then I am a little at his beck and call, and that could be for the next 10 years…

I don’t want Poppy to be the reason I suddenly find it easier to walk away from BD. Now I have a replacement all of my own… I don’t want to be that person who left. He sat with me while I sobbed alone and heartbroken when things got bad with the ex. He walked up to me and licked my tears away when I had no-one else to do it. He was the reason I got out of bed when the times were hard. He cuddles with me on the settee when I am alone in my house. He looks after me when I am ill and makes me laugh when I want to cry.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want Poppy to make it easier to walk away. I owe him so much.

 

*Sometimes when I pick up BD he will have to be there to discuss stuff with me. Usually it is nothing and I have no idea why he refuses to just tell me over text. But Bd is his dog and so if he says jump….

 

She’s arrived

Sorry not to be ‘here’ yesterday but I had a busy day….

I would officially like to introduce you all to Poppy. My ‘I don’t need a man, I have a rabbit’ rabbit.

 

Not a great pic, but I was trying to not disturb her too much!
Not a great pic, but I was trying to not disturb her too much!

She arrived last night and I am a mixture of thrilled and terrified. I am so so happy to have her, and can’t wait to give her a cuddle and whatch her grow and come out of her shell. Last night I was very good and just sat outside her cage talking to her so she could hear my voice. Although I did shine my light into her bedding area just before putting her to bed – I wanted to make sure she was still there and breathing! But this morning I did have the lid off and give her a quick stroke, she is so lovely.

I am officially smitten!!