It’s all in the way you sell it

I have had the most lovely weekend. Life has been a little hectic of late meaning I have only been able to see Raoul for the odd evening here and there, but this weekend the stars aligned and I got to spend two glorious days with him. It was really lovely, and just so easy… I never realised quite how much stress my last relationship put onto me. Being with someone so chilled and laid back… it’s just awesome!

Anyway, we are currently in that tricky stage where we are still trying to date date (night out at the cinema or for tea.) Although easier, and cheaper to sit on the sofa, I am determined that 2 months in we will not turn into that couple already. Complete aside, but I can’t believe it has only been 2 months, I feel like I have been with him forever!

So Friday night we were looking for something to do, and as the weather was poor I suggested we went to the Cinema. Now I really wanted to see Man Up, and Friday just happened to be the day it was being released. However, when viewing a preview for the film on a different film night (Honestly when you are dating, what is there to do on an evening but go to the cinema or eat out? Seriously, any suggestions welcome) he was… let’s say… less than keen on seeing this film.

But I really wanted to, and so I asked him “if, as the weather was poo, we could go to the cinema and see the new Simon Pegg comedy?”

He said yes!!

So I quickly emailed across cinema times before he could change his mind.

He scored himself some ‘good boyfriend’ brownie points.

I must admit to being really touched that he was happy to go and see a film with me he hadn’t really wanted to, but assumed he had said yes cause there was pretty much nothing else to do… turns out that wasn’t why he said yes.

Turns out the reason he said yes was because he hadn’t put two and two together…

he hadn’t remembered that the new Simon Pegg comedy was in fact a ROM-com…

In fact he didn’t twig which film we were going to see until we arrived at the cinema…

I maintain, that a Rom-com is still a comedy, just with an additional classification and maintain that I did not lie to him… I just omitted certain details!

However he now claims that I am the worse girlfriend in the world …and made me buy the popcorn. He has also removed my film choosing rights until further notice.

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It’s still a comedy… just a comedy about romance!

So what do you think? Am I right that a Rom-com is still a comedy or has he let me off lightly?

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Are men and woman just inherently different?

I have had another light bulb moment. This one happened on the drive to work this morning. As complete side note I have found, maybe slightly worryingly, that I do all my best thinking while driving; or peeing. I know a slight over-share but for the last few weeks I have found that if I am stuck on something, if I take a break from my desk and go for a wee ‘ping’ problem solves itself and I come out of the loo knowing exactly how I need to proceed. – just me that thinks that’s weird?

Anyway, I digress.

Last night blokey, who hence for will be known as Raoul (he picked it, don’t ask why. And yes big moment in our relationship he is actually getting a name on the blog, which I have let him pick- didn’t let the ex have a say in his name! Anyway…) Last night Raoul, went out with his mates; not a problem. But he yet again, decide that he wasn’t going to tell me he was going out all evening. I don’t mind he goes out. In fact I would rather he went out than sat around all evening doing nothing. But, the only thing I ask is he lets me know not to expect to here from him. If I know he is out, having fun or busy at work I don’t worry when I hear nothing. But when as far as I know he is sat in front of the tv and I haven’t heard from him when I usually would.. well it means lots of phone checking from me, and last time it lead to a massive freak out (which you can read a little about here.)

We did talk after my last freak out, and in the end I decided the best way was for me to just assume I would not here from him. It’s funny. i don’t mind not hearing from him. In fact I am becoming more and more of the mindset that relationships would be easier if you didn’t always expect to be in contact with the other person. Anyone else done the early stages, over analysis of trying to figure out how much a guy is into you based on the amount and frequency of messages? Then what happens when you are over the honeymoon period and the number of texts drop “Is he busy, or board and trying to end it?”…

So I made a decision. I will not expect to hear from him.

It helped prevent any freak out when he went AWOL last night, but I have to admit to still feeling a bit put out (and maybe doing a small bit of analysis) when the message finally came in saying the reason he hadn’t been in contact before a good night text (which I sent) was that he was out with his mates – was there not even 5 minutes in the entire evening where he could take two seconds to text me “out with the guys, speak later!” That’s all I want. That’s all I would need. I don’t need to know, or particularly care what, where, how, why and who.

But I got nothing.

Then last night, while checking my phone with slightly more frequency than I would have done had I received a message from him, I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians (yes, I do occasionally watch it, but only very rarely I am not a big fan, although yes Kim’s wedding is set up to record tonight when I am out.. might force Raoul to watch it on Sat by way of penance, now there’s a thought!!)  It was the episode where the one Kourtney finds out she was pregnant with her third child and Scott (her husband) can’t cope with the news and so goes AWOL for a night.

Yep, you read that right. Having found out his wife is having a third child he goes AWOL. He sends a text saying his plane has landed… and then switches off his phone. Leaving his pregnant wife ‘alone*’ with their two young children, spending the entire night trying to track him down.

I am not saying he was wrong to take some time off. But surely a message to his wife “honey, I need some space to think. gonna spend the night in a hotel, home in the morning.” and she could panic a little less. She could have slept through the night.

Now I know Scott (at the time of filming) had a lot on and wasn’t in the best head space. I know that Raoul isn’t intentionally letting me worry. But why do they not think, how do they not spare a thought for their other halves who are sat around worrying that their loved one is safe?!

Is it just a guy thing, they will never see it our way and it is just one of many man/women differences that we have to accept or is this a situation where nattering a gentle reminder may actually work?

Guys – is it an all man thing?
Girls – does your guy go AWOL without notice?
Singles – are you reveling in the fact that being single you can suit yourself and don’t have this to worry about?

*she is a Kardasian, with a film crew, so I would take the use of alone somewhat with a pinch of salt. But you get the drift.

We need to talk

I feel like I’ve jinxed it. Literally hours after sharing my post declaring to the world (well you lot) that I am hopelessly in love with this guy, and now I feel we are hurtling full pelt into our first argument. I didn’t even see it coming. In fact I don’t even see how we are there now.

I think it’s him. He has hurt his back really badly and so we have to cancel date night for a while. I am obviously gutted as I miss him like crazy, despite it only being days since I last saw him. I think part of the problem is we don’t know when we will next see each other, it is all reliant on him getting better so we can meet up again. I would go and see him, but at the moment he’s crashing at his parents and it is far too soon to do the meeting the folks bit. So we are stuck, waiting. The ‘brilliant’ doctor that he saw didn’t actually bother to identify what he had done to himself, and so we don’t know what’s wrong or how long it will take to heal.

I think this could be adding to the stress.

Plus he is on a whole concoction of painkillers, obviously in pain and feel bad about being the cause of cancelling the date… so I am trying to be understanding. But after a day of talking back and forth, me telling him I wish I could do more, look after him, see him. Suddenly I have had an attitude problem all day and am giving him grief!

I have no idea where he has gotten that impression from.

I have re-read the messages and I STILL have no idea where he got that impression from.

So the voices started. I know we don’t really know each other, but surely he should know me enough to know I am not like that? I don’t blame him. Then I worry he is trying to control me, my other exes have, so is this some sort of control thing where despite claiming he likes I am a strong, independent woman (a heart-break will do that to you) he doesn’t and so he is trying to change me. What if he is trying to turn me into a shadow… then I worry that if I am thinking these thoughts am I wrong about him being my future, about this being something special… The I feel I should just give him a break, he is ill. Plus I don’t want my past demons to mess up my future. But I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I apologise? He’s the one who has misread something, shouldn’t he be the one to say sorry?

Funny really. I worried once I was all loved up I would run out of things to write about, but looks like I have can open a whole new can of neurosis!

So this wasn’t expected

I’m not a natural writer; in fact I wouldn’t even go as far to as to call myself a writer. I am a woman who spills her guts onto a blog, which to my continued amazement people read and respond to. The way I right is I have a story that needs to be told, and out it spills. Over time I have tried I shelve one story and write another, and I can’t. The story that I try to shelve almost insists on being written and I fight ‘writers’ block until I just give in and accept that the story is going to published; whether or not I want it to be.

Which leads me to this story.

It’s about a guy. It’s about a guy that I had a date with. (You can read about my pre-first date thoughts here)

Well I was right. It was something. In fact it has become something very quickly… I think I’m in love with him.

(Yes, here is where you send for the guys in the white coats!)

The good news is, this isn’t a one way thing. Due to my phone accidentally dumping the guy after our second date, we ended up in a conversation about how we felt about each other. Yep, second date in (which happened 2 days after the first date) and we are both having a much too soon conversation about how we feel like we have known each other for years, and how we both have a feeling this could be something special.

13 days in and we are officially exclusive.

13 days in and we have banned each other from using the L word, as we don’t want to rush things. Yet I have so nearly already said it to him about a million times.

13 days in and I know he is hunting for engagement rings.

He’s already been to mine, he has stopped over a few times. About 4 days into knowing him I fell asleep in his arms, which you may think is stupid but 2 days in I got into his car and trusted him to surprise me with a day out where I didn’t know where I was going so… (Don’t worry, I am not 100% insane, people did have his photo, car photo, name and phone number… At least if he had murdered me he wouldn’t have gotten away with it!)

I feel crazy feeling like this. I feel even more insane admitting it.

I know that if I am wrong about this it will destroy me; but I don’t feel wrong. It feels so right it is crazy. I can’t believe he has only been around for days.

I weakened (sort of)

So having thought I would say no to seeing Bd for one final goodbye my resolve weakened. I didn’t want to look back in years to come and know I didn’t take advantage of spending every moment I could with him. It sounds stupid but I didn’t want to know that in the end I turned down even 5 minutes of time with him. So I told my ex a final goodbye walk would be nice, I wouldn’t take him over night but just spend a final hour cuddling with him, smelling his paws, and trying to embed every moment of Bd in my memory forever.

But we had to have a conversation to organise that, and his holier than thou “I am doing all of this for your own good” attitude got on my wick and so he was preaching about how good for me this was, and how hard on him I snapped and told him exactly what I thought of him.

I told him No, this sudden ban on seeing Bd was nothing to do with me. (Whether his excuse of his new woman being upset I was on the scene is true or not I can’t tell you) but this sudden change of heart now wasn’t anything to do with me. Anyone with half a brain can see I am well over him, getting into her bed 8 weeks after getting out of mine kinda turned off any remaining feelings I may have had. The hurt of what he did to me, that’s still very much with me, but any want to get back with him…. Plus I wasn’t the one manipulating situations so we had to continue to see each other, finding crappy excuses to drop Bd off at mine rather than letting me collect him from the garden, being in the f’in garden and coming out to say hi when I was able to collect Bd from the garden. I was the one who wanted to set up a rota and ideally never speak to each other ever again. I wasn’t the one in the ‘bad place, still hanging on’.

So I called him out and told him that “he had used me and how at least I knew now everything he ever said to me was utter bull.” That was it; no threats, no over reacting just a very measured response.

He went mental and vetoed me saying one final goodbye.

(Which just as a side note, never allowed to see Bd again as you think it was too hard on me but actually you had no problems with me coming round the house, picking him up and having him over night for one final time – who wants to bet he had plans and needed a dog sitter?)

After his little mental outburst I remained calm, and asked his permission to donate to charity the stuff I had for Bd at my house. Might sound silly but I wanted his permission now cause if not I can see him getting in contact in a month and asking where X was, or did I know what had happened to Y. Which is something I am keen to avoid! He responded saying that would be ok, and so I closed the conversation with a “Good Bye” There was nothing else to say. I had only maintained contact so I could see Bd, so I thought Good Bye kinda finished it off.

A few minutes passed then I received from him:

You will probably spit feathers for me saying this but I honestly wish you all the best in your new job and whatever the future brings you”

Did I ever mention I was dating a saint? I don’t know how to break this but I don’t care. I don’t want your good wishes, I want less than nothing to do with you. So I responded with the slightly juvenile, but very much needed

“That’s where you are very much mistaken. I stopped caring or having any reaction to anything you said an awfully long time ago!”

I’ve heard nothing since. I feel strange. There have been tears – so many tears. I miss Bd every second, and I know I will look out for him wherever I go. For the last few days seeing dog walkers out and about has been hell. But I also feel free. I am finally completely out of reach of my ex, no biting my tongue so I can keep seeing Bd, no reasons for him to drop around or manipulate situations so I saw him. I am finally completely and utterly free of that Jack ass – just wish it had been because he had been hit by a car rather than the reason being he took my dog.

Bd and I last year. I am going to miss him soooo much!!
Bd and I last year. I am going to miss him soooo much!!

You guys have given me a kick up the ass!

My wobble had me self-wallowing. I was back in the woe is me camp, do I want me ex back, how could he leave train of thought and then I opened my blog and saw your comments. I have to admit to the comments not being the comments I wanted. I wanted you all to join me in telling anyone who would listen that I couldn’t possibly let Bd go, that I could get over the ex and keep having Bd in my life, with a few verses of he’s an idiot thrown in for good measure.

You see I had thought being animal lovers you would all side with me about not letting go of Bd. That you would support me in the ‘woe is me’ pity party I am throwing for myself. Hell, I hoped some of you would even provide food and drink.

However you didn’t. You were completely honest and forced me to admit that if I want to keep Bd in my life I am going to have to prove people wrong. I have to stand firm, against the crowd in my belief that I can do this and this has given me a very hard kick up the ass.

I am going to have to focus on myself. Stop negative trains of thoughts that have me yearning for the past before they take hold. If I want to keep Bd, I am going to have to fight hard to prove you all wrong. To prove that it is capable…

And now I have something to fight for. Something to be strong about. When the negative thoughts come I can stop them knowing that if I don’t I will have to loose Bd or face alienating people; you are all so lovely, but I know the day will come when you will get sick of offering advice and me not taking it! I know I would.

So I want to say thank you. Thank you for not being my chorus of ‘yes men’ thank you for being honest with me, and thank you for helping me find an inner strength.

I’ll keep you posted on how I get on ;0)

A little wobble.

Last night I had a phone date, and it was brilliant. For 43 minutes we sat and chatted, and Bd squeaked his plastic rhino (at least I know the guy loves dogs!) The conversation flowed, to some slightly weird places, but it had the desired effect. There was no time to ponder answers, as you can with texts; we just chatted away and now we both feel confident that if we had a date we would at least have fun.

Then we hung up.

And it was back to the waiting game. Whose job was it to contact first. I had made the phone call, so shouldn’t he be the one to contact me first? Or was he waiting for me to text? Would we both not contact each other cause we were waiting for the other one too?

And this is where I wobbled.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be back here. Back analysis everything, worrying about everything… “what it meant that it had taken him 2 hours to reply to a text… but he’s put on a kiss so that’s good…. Should I send back a kiss… or is that too keen… but then I like him….why not up the ante and put two….don’t be silly far too soon, no kisses play hard to get….I can’t reply yet it’s only been 5 minutes…message sent, he’s responded straight away…. Is that too keen…”

I decided sod it, and I contacted him first. He responded saying he had enjoyed talking to me, would like to keep in contact, perhaps meet in person… but that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants as he himself is just out of a long relationship and so wanted to give me the heads up so he’s not stringing me along.

Second wobble.

Whereas I appreciate this guys honesty, and know I am in no rush myself to jump into anything new. The thought of him being hesitant made me hesitant and my wobble grew.

I don’t want to be back here. I had done the dating thing. I was ready to settle and start that next stage of my life.

And now I am back here, but I am battered and bruised. I no longer trust myself to know who the one is and who isn’t, who’s worth fighting for and who isn’t.

It makes me want to bury my head in the sand and go back.

Not feeling.

I thought that was where I had to get. To the point where I felt nothing, some sort of utopia whereby his actions didn’t hurt, where I celebrated the fact I was single and didn’t care that I had no one in my life. I thought I would be ok when I had reached this state of zen. Then the boyfriend who doesn’t appear until you don’t want him (makes him sound a bit like Nanny McPhee) would appear, the ex would be a distant memory and I would have my happy ever after, my house, children, love… and all I had to do to achieve it was to not feel anything.

This weekend, on one of many lovely long walks with Bd I realised this was rubbish.

Finding out the ex may have gotten married in Vegas (he hasn’t) hurt me. There were tears. However, my reaction to the tears made everything worse. I got myself so worked up that I was upset looking for a deeper meaning. I thought tears meant I wasn’t over him and I thought not being over him meant I couldn’t start a new relationship and so I would be alone forever… Yes sometimes I do get carried away.

However, half way up a hill with Bd I had a lightening moment and realised to feel was human. To feel was good for me. Feeling upset didn’t mean I was still in love with him; more I trusted him and he betrayed that trust and I am still hurting from that. The idea of his getting married in Vegas on Valentine’s day hurt, but it had very little to do with the idea of him being married. It was more the fact he could commit to ‘her’ after such a short time, whereas 4 years in he still couldn’t commit to me. It was the fact he was a better boyfriend to her. Despite knowing I wouldn’t want a Valentine’s day wedding in Vegas, gift wrapped and given. Thinking that he thought enough to organise a Valentines wedding, in Vegas with friends and family for her somehow made me feel less worthy. I felt it took away from what we had. I know and completely get that there are different kinds of love, but the idea of him loving her more, of her been more worth the effort, of him not being the often grumpy, sometimes shitty boyfriend to her… it was that that hurt. Also it was another realisation of just how full of shit he is, hurt. The fact that I don’t know when his words became lies. It was that stuff that mattered, that which hurt, that brought the tears. Not him. Not his wedding.

The tears also yet again made me worry I would never be ready to move on. Having been broke up with because “the relationship happened too soon, before I had time to progress all those feelings” I am terrified of doing that to someone else. So I was looking for some magical sign that I have moved on before even venturing onto something new.

I was also working hard to reach a point where I didn’t want another relationship. Everyone always says they happen when you least want one and so I had somehow convinced myself that wanting a relationship meant I wasn’t happy being single and so I would potentially end up alone. So I have been working hard on not missing him and not wanting anyone. However, the same lightning strike made me realise that wanting a new relationship doesn’t mean I am unhappy being single. It just means that one day I want to be in love again, with all that entails. It has made me realise, possibly for the first time, that I am ready to move on…And that has me very excited!

Anything I can do, she can do better…

Despite the ‘blip’ the other day, I am genuinely in a really good place and extremely happy with my life. I have great friends, an amazing family, my three little loves and you guys…what more does a girl need?!

My lightning bolt moment of realising it won’t happen until it’s supposed to has made me much more chilled and I am focusing on enjoying now. I am having so much fun that if it happens, ok but if it doesn’t then I will survive, adapt and be ok with that too.

However, along this happy with my life road it would appear there are hurdles I have to overcome. Little waves that rock me to my core and replace the “everything is perfect” with “OMG, I am a complete failure, who is dying alone. My ovaries are drying up and I will never have a baby, or feel love again, or go on holiday.”

As my friends develop with their lives, I can’t help but feel like I am the one being left behind. If this was a race I have barely left the start line while other people seem to be crossing the finish. This happened last night, I got the most amazing text from one of my closest, oldest friends. She is going to be a mum.

I am beyond happy for her. She is going to be a brilliant mum and I can’t wait to meet her kid. We have been friends since we were 11 years old. We sat together and dreamed about her man, my man, our kids growing up together… and despite her moving too far away for my liking I know that she will always be in my life, and I in hers.

Yes, as much as her news made me actually whoop out loud. It also made me feel a bit sad for a fleeting moment. Last year she got married, now she is going to be a mum. Whereas I just became a single parent to a rabbit, and I thought that made me grown up. In the scheme of things I don’t even come close…

I worried she would leave me behind. That this new adventure for her would be a step too far for me to reach. I have coped with the idea of my friends been married, enough of them have done that, our friendships have survived that. But she is the first to become a mum, and for a moment I worried that tis change would mean I would lose her.

What I did…

I couldn’t help but check out the mutual friends’ profile, where I saw numerous comments about Mr and Mrs …. And so I sent him a text.

I know; hardly a big deal but for me it was. You see my first thought, after the initial bastard thought was I had to know. It’s really hard to explain but there is still a little bit of me that feels that link to him, that we are joined, that he is the one. I don’t want him back, he doesn’t deserve the chance to come back. But deep down, in the pit of my stomach, the bit that makes me ‘me’ I still feel us. Somewhere buried deep, there is a box. I wrapped it around my heart to try and catch the fragments when he ripped my heart apart. I used that boxes to catch what I could and then I put a lid on it. I had to. Putting the lid on it meant I was able to get out of bed and function. Then, worryingly, as the online dating thing has progressed and I have started to open that lid a little, imagine life with someone else, I have found that the spark of desire still burns for him. I start having dreams of the future, think about holding hands, having sex… but it is his hand I reach for in my dreams. His… well I’ll let you fill in that blank. So I close the lid again. It’s the only way I have found to carry on.

I am hoping that this will finally break that link. I don’t want it there. I don’t want him back. The man I loved DID NOT EXSIST. Dear God, I want this to be the final straw that breaks the camels back and I am finally free to move on.

So I sent him a text.

However, before hitting send I did have a brief argument with myself where I worried about becoming ‘that’ ex. I don’t want to be seen as the crazy stalker and then I even worried I would ruin his holiday and he would think I was giving him hassle and get all stressed and grumpy.

Yes, read that again. Whilst (potentially) finding out that less than 12 months after telling me he would always love me, I find out the man who promised me a forever had married someone else and I hesitated from sending him a text so as not to ruin his holiday. Sometimes I want to slap myself!!

So I sent him a short and sweet text asking if there is anything he had to tell me, which I shouldn’t have had to find out about on Facebook.

I’m not expecting any sort of response, but I am proud of myself for putting me first.

However, this whole episode has highlighted that I am still struggling to move on. And this has me worried for two reasons. One the ex has never gotten over his ex. It was a shadow over our relationship, and knowing him as well as I may (although, as this goes on I wonder if I ever really knew him) if he has done the deed in Vegas I strongly suspect it is more to do with his ex getting re-married that him wanting to get married to this lady (honestly, you could write a soap!) I worry that there are some people you just can’t get over – is he mine? And the more worrying is a few people have commented that I can’t move on while I still have contact with him, and that contact comes about because of the very lovely BD.

The tough question I have been worried about asking for a while now is do I have to put myself first and walk away from my dog? I don’t want to. If anyone can come up with any tips, hints or ways to move on while keeping contact then please I am all ears.

The ex took so much from me. I really really don’t want to have to add Bd to that list!