A little wobble.

Last night I had a phone date, and it was brilliant. For 43 minutes we sat and chatted, and Bd squeaked his plastic rhino (at least I know the guy loves dogs!) The conversation flowed, to some slightly weird places, but it had the desired effect. There was no time to ponder answers, as you can with texts; we just chatted away and now we both feel confident that if we had a date we would at least have fun.

Then we hung up.

And it was back to the waiting game. Whose job was it to contact first. I had made the phone call, so shouldn’t he be the one to contact me first? Or was he waiting for me to text? Would we both not contact each other cause we were waiting for the other one too?

And this is where I wobbled.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be back here. Back analysis everything, worrying about everything… “what it meant that it had taken him 2 hours to reply to a text… but he’s put on a kiss so that’s good…. Should I send back a kiss… or is that too keen… but then I like him….why not up the ante and put two….don’t be silly far too soon, no kisses play hard to get….I can’t reply yet it’s only been 5 minutes…message sent, he’s responded straight away…. Is that too keen…”

I decided sod it, and I contacted him first. He responded saying he had enjoyed talking to me, would like to keep in contact, perhaps meet in person… but that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants as he himself is just out of a long relationship and so wanted to give me the heads up so he’s not stringing me along.

Second wobble.

Whereas I appreciate this guys honesty, and know I am in no rush myself to jump into anything new. The thought of him being hesitant made me hesitant and my wobble grew.

I don’t want to be back here. I had done the dating thing. I was ready to settle and start that next stage of my life.

And now I am back here, but I am battered and bruised. I no longer trust myself to know who the one is and who isn’t, who’s worth fighting for and who isn’t.

It makes me want to bury my head in the sand and go back.

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A step in the right direction.

I am in a very good place right now. I spent Valentines weekend alone with only Bd and Poppy for company, and the crappy Tv and long walks (and cuddles, there were so many cuddles) really gave me some time to think and work through some stuff.

I spent an entire weekend just focused on me. I had lovely food (which is something I don’t often treat myself to while the budget is still tight), a few glasses of wine and a lovely long semi-relaxing bubble bath; which would have been more relaxing had Bd not spent the entire time worrying I was either going to drown or put him into the bath. I do love that dog so much!

However, the best bit of news was me realising that I am ready to start dating again. My motivation has changed and it is no longer about proving to everyone I have moved on, or even a desperate hope to find someone. It is just something I will do when I find someone who I want to get to know better. If it goes somewhere great, if it doesn’t well it doesn’t.

And this new outlook had me a little excited.

I have a few dates coming up and I am really looking forward to them, in a way I wasn’t with the previous dates I have been on. Tonight, I have a phone date with a guy and I have to admit that it was the only thing on my mind this morning when I was walking Bd. In the past (as much as I try to stay very much in the moment) my mind wanders on walks and I end up thinking about things, “how could he lie, should I still see Bd, when did it all turn to b*llocks…” but on todays walk I couldn’t help but think about tonights phone date, “will we get on, what is his accent like, will it go well, could this be the start of the next chapter…”

Although it may not sound like much, day dreaming about a future that doesn’t involve him turning up and saying letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life is actually huge. Having butterflies about tonights phone call, well that’s pretty awesome!

Not feeling.

I thought that was where I had to get. To the point where I felt nothing, some sort of utopia whereby his actions didn’t hurt, where I celebrated the fact I was single and didn’t care that I had no one in my life. I thought I would be ok when I had reached this state of zen. Then the boyfriend who doesn’t appear until you don’t want him (makes him sound a bit like Nanny McPhee) would appear, the ex would be a distant memory and I would have my happy ever after, my house, children, love… and all I had to do to achieve it was to not feel anything.

This weekend, on one of many lovely long walks with Bd I realised this was rubbish.

Finding out the ex may have gotten married in Vegas (he hasn’t) hurt me. There were tears. However, my reaction to the tears made everything worse. I got myself so worked up that I was upset looking for a deeper meaning. I thought tears meant I wasn’t over him and I thought not being over him meant I couldn’t start a new relationship and so I would be alone forever… Yes sometimes I do get carried away.

However, half way up a hill with Bd I had a lightening moment and realised to feel was human. To feel was good for me. Feeling upset didn’t mean I was still in love with him; more I trusted him and he betrayed that trust and I am still hurting from that. The idea of his getting married in Vegas on Valentine’s day hurt, but it had very little to do with the idea of him being married. It was more the fact he could commit to ‘her’ after such a short time, whereas 4 years in he still couldn’t commit to me. It was the fact he was a better boyfriend to her. Despite knowing I wouldn’t want a Valentine’s day wedding in Vegas, gift wrapped and given. Thinking that he thought enough to organise a Valentines wedding, in Vegas with friends and family for her somehow made me feel less worthy. I felt it took away from what we had. I know and completely get that there are different kinds of love, but the idea of him loving her more, of her been more worth the effort, of him not being the often grumpy, sometimes shitty boyfriend to her… it was that that hurt. Also it was another realisation of just how full of shit he is, hurt. The fact that I don’t know when his words became lies. It was that stuff that mattered, that which hurt, that brought the tears. Not him. Not his wedding.

The tears also yet again made me worry I would never be ready to move on. Having been broke up with because “the relationship happened too soon, before I had time to progress all those feelings” I am terrified of doing that to someone else. So I was looking for some magical sign that I have moved on before even venturing onto something new.

I was also working hard to reach a point where I didn’t want another relationship. Everyone always says they happen when you least want one and so I had somehow convinced myself that wanting a relationship meant I wasn’t happy being single and so I would potentially end up alone. So I have been working hard on not missing him and not wanting anyone. However, the same lightning strike made me realise that wanting a new relationship doesn’t mean I am unhappy being single. It just means that one day I want to be in love again, with all that entails. It has made me realise, possibly for the first time, that I am ready to move on…And that has me very excited!

Anything I can do, she can do better…

Despite the ‘blip’ the other day, I am genuinely in a really good place and extremely happy with my life. I have great friends, an amazing family, my three little loves and you guys…what more does a girl need?!

My lightning bolt moment of realising it won’t happen until it’s supposed to has made me much more chilled and I am focusing on enjoying now. I am having so much fun that if it happens, ok but if it doesn’t then I will survive, adapt and be ok with that too.

However, along this happy with my life road it would appear there are hurdles I have to overcome. Little waves that rock me to my core and replace the “everything is perfect” with “OMG, I am a complete failure, who is dying alone. My ovaries are drying up and I will never have a baby, or feel love again, or go on holiday.”

As my friends develop with their lives, I can’t help but feel like I am the one being left behind. If this was a race I have barely left the start line while other people seem to be crossing the finish. This happened last night, I got the most amazing text from one of my closest, oldest friends. She is going to be a mum.

I am beyond happy for her. She is going to be a brilliant mum and I can’t wait to meet her kid. We have been friends since we were 11 years old. We sat together and dreamed about her man, my man, our kids growing up together… and despite her moving too far away for my liking I know that she will always be in my life, and I in hers.

Yes, as much as her news made me actually whoop out loud. It also made me feel a bit sad for a fleeting moment. Last year she got married, now she is going to be a mum. Whereas I just became a single parent to a rabbit, and I thought that made me grown up. In the scheme of things I don’t even come close…

I worried she would leave me behind. That this new adventure for her would be a step too far for me to reach. I have coped with the idea of my friends been married, enough of them have done that, our friendships have survived that. But she is the first to become a mum, and for a moment I worried that tis change would mean I would lose her.

What I did…

I couldn’t help but check out the mutual friends’ profile, where I saw numerous comments about Mr and Mrs …. And so I sent him a text.

I know; hardly a big deal but for me it was. You see my first thought, after the initial bastard thought was I had to know. It’s really hard to explain but there is still a little bit of me that feels that link to him, that we are joined, that he is the one. I don’t want him back, he doesn’t deserve the chance to come back. But deep down, in the pit of my stomach, the bit that makes me ‘me’ I still feel us. Somewhere buried deep, there is a box. I wrapped it around my heart to try and catch the fragments when he ripped my heart apart. I used that boxes to catch what I could and then I put a lid on it. I had to. Putting the lid on it meant I was able to get out of bed and function. Then, worryingly, as the online dating thing has progressed and I have started to open that lid a little, imagine life with someone else, I have found that the spark of desire still burns for him. I start having dreams of the future, think about holding hands, having sex… but it is his hand I reach for in my dreams. His… well I’ll let you fill in that blank. So I close the lid again. It’s the only way I have found to carry on.

I am hoping that this will finally break that link. I don’t want it there. I don’t want him back. The man I loved DID NOT EXSIST. Dear God, I want this to be the final straw that breaks the camels back and I am finally free to move on.

So I sent him a text.

However, before hitting send I did have a brief argument with myself where I worried about becoming ‘that’ ex. I don’t want to be seen as the crazy stalker and then I even worried I would ruin his holiday and he would think I was giving him hassle and get all stressed and grumpy.

Yes, read that again. Whilst (potentially) finding out that less than 12 months after telling me he would always love me, I find out the man who promised me a forever had married someone else and I hesitated from sending him a text so as not to ruin his holiday. Sometimes I want to slap myself!!

So I sent him a short and sweet text asking if there is anything he had to tell me, which I shouldn’t have had to find out about on Facebook.

I’m not expecting any sort of response, but I am proud of myself for putting me first.

However, this whole episode has highlighted that I am still struggling to move on. And this has me worried for two reasons. One the ex has never gotten over his ex. It was a shadow over our relationship, and knowing him as well as I may (although, as this goes on I wonder if I ever really knew him) if he has done the deed in Vegas I strongly suspect it is more to do with his ex getting re-married that him wanting to get married to this lady (honestly, you could write a soap!) I worry that there are some people you just can’t get over – is he mine? And the more worrying is a few people have commented that I can’t move on while I still have contact with him, and that contact comes about because of the very lovely BD.

The tough question I have been worried about asking for a while now is do I have to put myself first and walk away from my dog? I don’t want to. If anyone can come up with any tips, hints or ways to move on while keeping contact then please I am all ears.

The ex took so much from me. I really really don’t want to have to add Bd to that list!

 

What would you do?

You are sat, having cornflakes for breakfast absent mindedly scrolling through Facebook when you stumble across this post….

“Having a lovely time on holiday, in Vegas, with Mr and Mrs (insert the surname of your ex here!) Bring on the beers

So what would you do? Cause I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do!

 

Editors note: This actually happened on Friday morning – Happy Valentines day to me!

Do I have enough love?

I’m an idiot. I have had a small panic that letting poppy into my life has somehow lessoned the love I have available for Bd and Mity. I don’t know what has brought it on. But I was worried, would I get board of BD, would I resent having the two of them together?

I think part of this panic was brought on by a conversation I had with my counsellor. Knowing the ex is going away on our holiday with his new squeeze brought on tears and it upset me as I thought I had officially finished crying over him. She asked me how different my life would be if I didn’t have BD. If I had completely made the cut, and had no contact with the ex. No seeing him whenever he decides he wants to see me* no jumping when he says how high.

The problem is I promised him. I promised him I would walk out on him and I can’t break that promise. I don’t want the ex to force me to break that promise. My counsellor made the good point that Bd won’t know after all he ‘just a dog’ (although as a dog lover herself she did say she knows that isn’t actually the case) but I will know. I will know I broke my promise to him. I will know I walk away.

But it is hard. Having the ex dangle me on a lease well it makes me hate him. I sometimes wonder if he knows that when Bd is no more I am done. I will be walking out that door never to see or hear from him again. But until then I am a little at his beck and call, and that could be for the next 10 years…

I don’t want Poppy to be the reason I suddenly find it easier to walk away from BD. Now I have a replacement all of my own… I don’t want to be that person who left. He sat with me while I sobbed alone and heartbroken when things got bad with the ex. He walked up to me and licked my tears away when I had no-one else to do it. He was the reason I got out of bed when the times were hard. He cuddles with me on the settee when I am alone in my house. He looks after me when I am ill and makes me laugh when I want to cry.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want Poppy to make it easier to walk away. I owe him so much.

 

*Sometimes when I pick up BD he will have to be there to discuss stuff with me. Usually it is nothing and I have no idea why he refuses to just tell me over text. But Bd is his dog and so if he says jump….

 

He’s replaced me

At first I was worried that the tears meant I still cared.  I didn’t want them but I couldn’t stop them from coming.  The news that he was taking her on our holiday. ..

But then I realised that these weren’t tears for what has gone, for him or because I wanted him back. No these tears fell because I was disappointed in him.  I know on paper it has been almost a year and a half since we broke up, yet it hasn’t been a full year since we stopped sleep in together,  12 months haven’t passed without him claiming  to be in love with me. I know they will come, but they haven’t yet, and to find out he will be spending his first valentines day with her on the holiday we had planned on taking together (before he woke up one morning and just said enough)…

It’s the lack of thought; or maybe the realisation I just don’t factor into his thought process at all now. I don’t know.  I just feel the memory of us, of what we had deserves more. I know he had to move on, but to move on so fast, so quickly.  Makes me worry I was nothing. That I was taken in, played for a fool.  Did he ever mean it when he told me he loved me?

Or is he still struggling like I am. Does he realise there’s no going back but struggle moving forwards.  Is she nothing but an attempt at getting over me?

I knew the holiday would never happen.  For all the times we talked about it I never started to save.  I never saw it as any more than a pipe dream. I assumed he’d visit there again,  after all he had been there without me and loved it. But not so soon….

I’ll just have to chalk this up as another reason to hate him. I tried not.  I don’t want to hate.  But right now hating him is the only choice I have.

Just to be clear, I have not been stood up OK!!

It’s happened again, and it some aspects it is even more maddening than a really bad date…

Tonight I was supposed to be going on a first date. We have been chatting for a couple of months on and off, and had finally found a gap in both our schedules where we could meet. It has been in the diary for weeks and the suddenly the week of the date he has vanished.

At first I wasn’t particularly concerned about his lack of a response. One of the attractions was he had his own life and so we chatted when we could. Going  few days hearing nothing was perfectly normal.

But tonight is date night and so far he has ignored both the texts I have sent him this week. So my assumption is the date is off, which to be fair I am not going to be crying myself to sleep over. Yes, it would have been nice to meet him but I wasn’t planning long term. In fact I’m not seeing long term with anyone on my radar at the moment. In fact I am far more excited than I should be about my new tonight plans, which include chicken fajitas, red wine (and here is the worrying bit) a bit of hoovering and maybe a load of washing (I have no idea when that happened to me!)

However, the thing that annoys me is this is the second bloke who has vanished without a trace as ‘D day’ has arrived. Is it too much to send a text saying “I’m sorry but I met someone” or “I’ve been hit by a bus so can’t make tonight, rain check?”