I think I’m in love, or at least very serious like. When I first met him, he played hard to get, and I have to admit I always enjoy the chase. When I walked in he acted as if he hadn’t even noticed me, and my initial hello was pretty much ignored. He seemed too busy paying attention to the other people I was with, and I must admit I felt a little stab of pain that he wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him. Although I thought this would mean I would be safe…. I was wrong. Eventually he came and sat next to me…then he lent gentle against me so we were just touching…and finally he gazed into my eyes with his big brown eyes and gave me a look. I didn’t stand a chance, when he rolled onto his back and snorted as I brushed his stomach I knew I was smitten…… and now I don’t know what to do.
I occasionally help out at a local rescue center and I have amazed myself by not leaving with a car full of dogs every time I leave. There are a couple there who I would love to take home with me, and have been tempted, but that is because they are amazing dogs and have been in the rescue for far too long. I haven’t wanted them in a deeper way than thinking “they deserve a home, so why not me?” of course I never could take any home. Not seriously, not with BD and although I like the idea he was my priority and so I gave as many cuddles as I could and sent up a prayer that their wait wouldn’t be too long. Totally off subject, but one of them has been waiting for 18 months – that’s far too long!! Fancy an elderly lurcher – I know just the chap!!
Since the split I have had friends and family members tell me I should get another dog, a dog of my own. I know a lot of people can’t understand why I keep seeing BD but the reason is two fold; 1. having a part time dog works really well for me right now, and b. when I first moved in with him I promised him I wouldn’t just walk away as his previous mum had. The breakdown of my exes previous relationship had been the spark that started off the aggression and I am not doing that to him. End of. Plus, he’s my boy, I love him.
The part time dog thing works really well. I have him when I can and fix my social life around seeing him. If I’m out with friends, he stays with the ex. If I’m free I have him and we spend the entire time together. I don’t have any of the cost and I also avoid the guilt, which I used to feel a lot. I hated leaving him for work every day and on an evening I would spend every minute thinking I should be with him. The ex and I used to sort out that one of us was always in, but on the odd occasions that we couldn’t I would feel so bad, it almost brought me to tears many times!
I wish I could have BD full time and if that hit I’ve taken out on the ex ever comes off (kidding) then he is mine. I will not walk away from him.
But then there is this boy. He has had a bad start to life and just needs a loving home. I could be that loving home. He would mean that I don’t go home to an empty house every night. We would cuddle on the couch and he would be mine – no one could take him away from me. But can I commit to him? Is it fair to leave him alone for 8 hours a day 5 days a week? Then what happens on the weekends I already have plans to be away, like my friends hen do, or the week that I am having BD? What happens when a friend invites me for tea at a moments notice? Is it fair that BD may have to be muzzled the entire time he is with me, when I have already promised him that he won’t be when we are in our little house? I have already promised BD the spot on my couch. He has helped me through so much and given me a reason to get up in the mornings – I can’t just walk away for something new! Although legally I have no claim to him, BD is my dog.
Yet, this boy needs a family. I wouldn’t be at constant fear that the ex will suddenly take him away. He would be mine and mine alone. I would love him, I already love him, and it would mean I don’t go home to an empty house. What if the ex decides tomorrow he’s found someone new and they don’t want me to see BD, can I pass up the other dog because of him?
Yet I would need to change the garden. I would have to build fences and block off areas which I didn’t want to do. With BD part time I had it sorted. I still live close to the exes house and have a key. The plan was he would be left in the exes secure garden when I am at work and then I would collect him on my way home. I could have my big, open plan garden. I could have the best of both worlds. Yet, with my own dog I would have to sacrifice my garden.
I contacted the rescue and asked if they would let me have him. I work full time. They were meant to say no. They were going to make the decision for me. But they didn’t. Subject to him getting on with the other dogs and me wanting him they would let me have him.
I don’t know what to do. Just when I convince myself one way I talk myself round the other way.