Brutal honest over-share!

I was bullied out of the first ‘proper job’ I had. My boss took a dislike to me. Probably because I called him out on his comment “Girls don’t get drugged and raped, they get drunk and stupid!”. I know total prat!

Anyway, he told another of my colleagues that he was going to get rid of me (she wasn’t a particularly nice person either!) and he did. It took him 5 years, and I had a near complete break down, but he finally got me out of a job that I loved and had trained for. The way he did this was to completely distort my perception of reality. If someone was nice to me, he would say they hated me. If I did something well, he would find fault. If someone else made a mistake, he would blame me. At first I knew he was just being an ass but 5 years later he had me considering driving into a motorway barrier (the one in the middle of a pretty major motorway) to try and get a few weeks off sick. I didn’t want to kill myself….. just break a few bones!
During this time, another colleague had become a bit of a confident. She pointed out that I could do no right. Warned me about the pair of them and their planning and provided a much needed shoulder to cry on. I thought I could count on her. I trusted her. Then I was sent a way on a course for a few days and returned to work to find that not only had she had told these two everything but she had added a twist; I was going after their jobs to get them fired. This lead to tribunals, my first lot of counselling and finally me telling the company where they could shove their job. I was warned by three healthy professionals that I could not go back into that offer and so I walked out of that job on Christmas eve, with no idea where I was going and what my future held.

Whilst off sick from work, I was introduced to a new guy. He was older, he was wiser…..he was a toad. I should have seen the signs, but I wasn’t in a good place. He started off being a shoulder to cry on. Then he suggested we should meet in private. Told me he cared. Told me his wife didn’t understand him. Told me he had told her that he felt unloved and she didn’t care. Told me he loved me. Told me he would leave her for me.
This relationship took me to some pretty dark places. I am not going to share details but I was not in a good place. Despite all this I really believed he cared for me. Even after it ended I thought he was a good friend and I had no reason to suspect anything different. Until a few weeks ago when it turns out whilst doing this with me he was doing it to another vulnerable woman I know. Seems that this guy has a type and it is vulnerable woman. He takes them under his wing, and then slowly manipulates us. I think he has moved onto his new target. She is young, naïve and going through some shit – hell she’s me four years ago when this happened. However she doesn’t see this. She thinks he is wonderful. I worry about her but what more can I do?

He and BD pulled me out of all this. Meeting him gave me the strength to get out of the really really bad ‘relationship’. He taught me the true meaning of love. He made me feel safe and secure. He made me happier than I ever thought possible.

As a result of the bullying, I am still in counselling. I feel weak to admit that I am still affected on a daily basis as a result of the shit that I was put through by this boss. My boss made me doubt my ability to read a situation – this was his big head fuck trick that he left me with. This is what drove me to a complete break down. Even now I am not 100% certain of a situation until I have overshared it with friends and family. It was one of the problems in my relationship. It is what has sent me back to counselling.

I trusted the boss, eventually.

I trusted the toad, for years.

I don’t trust myself to understand a situation.

Slowly through my relationship I got better at this.

I have told you multiple times that I feel he was the one. I was prepared to marry him had he asked, and had he not asked I was happy to live in sin for the rest of my life. I wanted to be with him, and was confident in our love. Confident that we were soul mates. Confident that I had found the one. Even when it went wrong, even now I am hanging on to the fact that deep down I know he is the one.

If I am wrong about this, I don’t know how I will every recover. If I am wrong about this, how will I ever trust myself to understand any situation ever again. If I am wrong about this…

7 thoughts on “Brutal honest over-share!

  1. Oh my goodness! Why do people have to be so mean? I’ve seen through our emails that you have a really good head on your shoulders. If anything, your experiences have made you wiser. You now have a better idea of what to look for. You’re cautious, which can be a very good thing for a single woman. And you are becoming stronger because of it all. True, it may be difficult to trust again. But as you learn to have more confidence in yourself, knowing who to trust will come easier.

  2. You did have an awful time of it! I think the balance between trust and caution can be difficult to find.
    Your confidence is low because you’ve been hurt. It takes time to trust again. Concentrate on looking after yourself for a while.

  3. Pingback: I kissed a toad. | 25castleson25clouds

  4. Hello, just want to say I hear you, and I understand. I was trapped in a violent relationship which nearly killed me a few times. If you need to vent privately my email button is at the top of my blog. Hang in there Lauranne. X

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