He’s hiding from me.

This wasn’t going to be my topic for this morning; in fact it was going to feature at all on my blog. It was a suspicion I had but nothing more and it certainly wasn’t news worthy…until I thought about it deeper.

It would appear my ex is hiding from me. Since the breakup, well to be honest I don’t know what he was doing. We spent a day together when I was upset following a spat with a mate, cancelling his plans to comfort me. He invited me for tea on numerous occasions after I’d popped up to walk BD (I didn’t always say yes – go me!), we went on a couple of dog walks together. Initially when we broke up I had instigated a ‘picking the dog up from and dropping back into the garden without any physical contact to help me get over the break up’ rule. I managed two successful drop offs before BD wasn’t in the garden when I went round. This resulted in my knocking on what used to be my own front door and refusing to cross the threshold asking him to bring BD out to me, after playing this game a few times I started coming in but I still refuse to let myself in when he is at the house.

Anyway, this all changed a few weeks ago. It was the day after I had had the dog debate and completely fallen apart. I don’t know why that was the catalyst but for a few days I was back to the very beginning of the break up, in fact my mum told me I was worse that I had been when this all happened.
I’d gone to see BD as I was so in need of a cuddle from him and the ex just happened to be there. He told me I should get the dog, and said that he would help me out and this lead to a very honest conversation, at least from my side, with him about how I was coping.

I told him that he couldn’t offer to help with the dog as he can’t commit to me for that long. I told him that I was very aware (as much as he wants to deny it) that soon he will have someone new and that someone new will not be happy that I still have a key to the house and see BD. I told him that at some point he will have to choose the new person or me, and he will not chose me. I admitted that I still miss him, that it gets harder every day, and I admitted that the fact he is so bloody fine is almost the hardest thing about all of this.

He said very little, until I was leaving where he said to me “just because I appear fine, doesn’t mean that I am”. I said nothing, what I should have said is *pregnant goldfish* if you aren’t fine and are missing me even half as much as I miss you then why the f-ing hell are you putting us both through this?!! and if you are just saying that in some misguided notion to make me feel better then don’t *pregnant goldfish* cause really it doesn’t help. But I said nowt.
Since that night he has had to work late…or been busy with friends or just seems to be making up reasons to not be at the house when I am.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel he is going out of his way to avoid me, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to been a little hurt that he wants to avoid me. I will hold my hand up and admit I have bruise pride. There is a part of me that is relieved that I am not seeing him. Maybe this means that I will finally move on. But mainly I am disappointed, if since I have admitted how hurt I am, his answer is to avoid me then I have finally realised that I wasted 4 years of my life falling in love with a coward.

My name is Lauranne…and I am a Christian.

So the phone call from OH seems to have set off a chain reaction in my life and where things that were all falling together they are once again falling apart.

The house – The house was idea. It was a one bedroom terrace house, with an open fire and really low rent. I wanted it before I had seen it. It would have been ideal, close enough to work and the town that I would only need to get my car out if I was visiting my folks. It was cheap enough that I would have been able to save while renting, and it meant that I could spend some time figuring out my life before looking at a more permanent move. I was excited, and it felt slightly like things were starting to work out… and then I got a phone call (this time not from OH) saying the tenant was applying for a mortgage and if they couldn’t get a mortgage they would be staying for 6 more months. I told the agents that I would still be interested if there was this short delay, as it would mean I could save for 6 months so if they could keep me informed. I heard nothing, and so today I contacted them and it would appear that the tenant is staying for the foreseeable future. This house was £200 cheaper than anything else I have looked at, so now I am stuck at home saving for the next few months. Feeling like there was an end in sight helped massively, now I am more aware of the thought of well if I stay with my folks for a few years I will say more – I don’t want to get my feet to under the table, if I do I will still be there in 10 years’ time – but I can’t cut off my nose to spite my face so for the moment I am just in limbo!

The friends – Well it would appear that one friend (friend number 1) in particular is just being a little weird. I know that he is going through his own stuff at the moment, but he seems to be going out of his way to stir trouble between me and a second friend (friend number 2). He is flying off the handle if I say anything to him, assuming the worst and conversations that I thought were being had in confidence are being shared with this other friend (friend number 2) and I am worried it is starting to affect that friendship. Add to it that friend number 1 was there when I had my breakdown due to bullying and I just don’t know what his game is.

Work – Well where do I start with work. I have a love hate relationship with my work, I was hired in in an entry level position, however I have been quickly promoted (yeah) but not everyone seems to have recognised my new role. The new role has just added a load of (much more fun) work, on top of the old stuff I used to do and the term not enough hours in the day was invented for me. Add to that the office layout has recently changed; all desks are now in pairs or groups of three. All except mine, which is alone, in the corner, facing the wall. I go hours at a time without anyone talking to me (and I’m not making this up, I have timed it!)

One of the things I am finding the hardest through all this is my faith. I feel out with the church a long time ago ( a story for another time) but despite everything I have gone through I have kept my faith. However I don’t know if that makes this harder. I strongly believe (hell I know) that there is a God up there, looking down on my life and weeping tears with me when he sees me cry. I also know that there is the devil, and that he is responsible for most of the shit that I am currently going through.
The bit that hurts is that I know God is all powerful and if he wanted to he could wave his hand (or do whatever his magic move is) and sort all this out for me. Take away my pain and suffering or hell even give me a break or just have one small thing go right so I start to feel I am climbing out of this slump.

But he doesn’t want to…..?!

How did he know?

So up until Monday I was in a good place. I had done some serious thinking, and as result of a couple of conversations with OH and his sudden interest in decorating the house I had realised it was over – I had to move on. I told myself he has no feelings left for me, and so I had to look into figuring out my future alone.

On Saturday I had a night out with some friends, and this lead to another healthy development – I don’t need to be in a relationship right now.
Yes there are things that I will miss, having no future holiday plans to look forward to is hard, sleeping in a cold bed sucks, but I realised I really don’t want to go back into that analysing every text message…..looking for the hidden meaning in the presence or absence of a kiss on the end of the text…wondering the meaning behind the time between each text. I had escaped that and I am not in a place where I want to go back. On Saturday night I realised that this is ok, I have friends and family, I am busy so why not just be alone for a while and perhaps purchase a few more hot water bottles!!
I had even found a little place to rent, near work dead cheap. I was the first to apply for it and it finally felt like everything was coming together. Renting this place for a year would let me know where I want to buy – OH and I moved to a small village about an hour away from my folks, but closer to my work. When I first moved out I was determined I was never moving more than 5 minutes away from friends and family. However as time has gone on I am missing this village that I called home, and it is cheaper, so I looked to buy there. The more I have thought about it, the more sense it makes to look at renting for a short period of time. It will let me decided if I want the lovely little village because I want the lovely village or because it is a way to hang on to a dream of a life with OH.

So things were working out, I was getting towards being happy and settled… and then OH called me at work…for a chat. He didn’t want me to feel like he was ignoring me, and so he rang to see how I was, to discuss dropping BD off at mine on Friday, despite me offering to collect him from the old house meaning I had no need to OH. This one phone call has managed to revert me back to missing him like crazy, and wondering if he wants to see me and if that is why he is offering to drop BD off at mine?

I am annoyed at myself that within the space of one phone call I have reverted back and all I want is my life with him back!

A fine fine line

So this weekend I treated my folks to their Christmas present – last minute tickets to see Avenue Q… no I wussed out on going with them, I am going through enough! They loved it, and have had the sound track on repeat ever since which is scarring enough – anyone else heard their dad singing along to “the internet is for porn?” Nope….just me!

Anyway I am a massive musical fan and seems to find that songs can sum up a mood better than anything else. It would appear I have found my song of the moment:

It would also appear it is a fine, fine line between denial and facing up to reality. Turns out that the fine line is an upturned empty paint tray on the draining board of your old house.

Turns out he couldn’t find the energy to decorate while we were together but now I am not there….

I don’t need him… I want him

Ok yes I am going back there, I tried not to, I didn’t want my blog or life to revolve around my break-up and more importantly I am very much aware I am dancing down the line of being slightly boring but I had an epiphany this weekend and I am afraid I am going to have to share it with you.

I had a lovely weekend, Friday night I had BD for a few hours, which I loved every second of. We cuddle and play and he was even allowed to take him muzzle of for a while (Mity was cuddled up on the sofa next to my dad) and BD only panics if dogs come into his face so he was allowed to play with Mitys toys for a while and he loved every second of it. He squeaked a plastic cupcake to death (Mity looked at him like he was a dog possessed) and played fetch until his dad came to take him home.

Saturday I went for a my morning bike ride – I have found a little circuit that I do which has a couple of hills and takes me about an hour. I love it, have officially become hooked on cycling to the extent that this Saturday I donned waterproof clothing before going out because, yes I am one of those crazy bike people who done lycra and cycle in the rain – I have no idea how that happened! Saturday night a good friend came by and we ate far too much good food – allowed though because I had had my bike ride that morning.

Sunday morning I went for a 3 hour walk with a friend (I am suffering from this today, and am hobbling like a woman possessed!) before nipping to the shops and having tea with my family. However it was on Sunday I had this epiphany….

I don’t need OH in my life – I thought I did but I have friends husbands who are going to help out with my cycling needs, I have friends who want to walk for hours with me at the weekend, I am even learning how to get through the night with a hot water bottle instead of him.

But I want him there, something funny happens and go for my phone to tell him, I visit places and want to share them with him, I see something advertised on TV and think I must remember to set it up to record.

What do you do when you want something you can’t have? I don’t need OH for my life to function, but having him in my life means I am living a life I love rather than just functioning!

I promised… am I letting him down?

Wow just when I thought I couldn’t sound more pathetic I came up with that title. I had another title all picked out “It’s time” and I even started writing it. This post was positive, about how although I am petrified I have decided that the time has come for me to move on and start putting myself first. I was even going to tie it back to a film that OH and I watched together. I can’t remember the name of the film but basically a husband and wife were involved in a car accident, she lost her memory and her husband spent the entire film trying to make her fall in love with him again – the best bit is that this is based on a true story!!

I deserve that kind of love, I deserve someone who will give me their all, after all that is exactly what I gave to OH. So I decided that I would start putting my life back together and if OH decides he does want me back well he can damn well put in a little effort. However as I was writing the first lines I realised that I had promised OH I would wait for him until the new year, give him time to try and sort out his head and heart. Having been cheated on by most of the woman he has ever dated, I didn’t want to be another woman who said one thing and did another. In fact when we separated I did point out that I was the first woman who he had dated that kept her promise.

So if I break it now does that make me as bad as them? How do I mend my heart while still being true to my word? Or is it past that – do I have to screw him over and put myself first?

How can he do this to me?

That is the one question I have avoided asking throughout this entire process. I have had people ‘helpfully’ point out that if he really loves.. (loved?).. me then he shouldn’t have put me through this. However I have always answered “because he needs so space to sort his head out, he has been hurt and he is now trying to fix himself so that he can possibly fix us” or “we couldn’t go on as we were, I was doubting his feelings for me, he was withdrawn and grumpy…we need this. It’ll do us good” and although I still strongly believe this in my heart last night I muttered the immortal words “how can he do this to me” while stood outside the house I used to live in, sobbing uncontrollably and feeling my heartbreak into even smaller fragments.

Yesterday morning I got a text from OH ironically saying that he hadn’t slept at all last night and so would not be able to the 30 minutes journey to pick up BD from my parents house so that I could see him. However generously he did say that I could collect him and walk him around the village that I used to call home, in the dark, alone, praying not to run into any of the neighbours to have to explain why I was there! All day the decision chewed me up, but I decided that I wanted to see BD. I already feel like I have let him down massively, and to not come and see him last night was not an option. So I drove home.

BD greeted me happily at the door and hurried to bring me inside the house, I stood on the doorstep, unable to look OH in the face as I tool BDs lead and told him I wouldn’t be long. I couldn’t face the village so instead I headed down a track to a local field. BD ran around like a crazy thing and loved every minute, he chased sticks (yep even in the dark he wanted to play with sticks) chased sniffs, and ran around like a loon, occasionally barking loudly at me when my sobbing got too loud – this is always his way to cheer someone up, although it will then involve a tennis ball and some growls! (Please don’t think I sobbed the entire time – just a few minutes here and there of heart wrenching, stand still whole body shaking tears, then I would resume playing and talking to BD). It was during one of these moments that I muttered the words, although to who I don’t know.

The break-up I get, the time apart, the burying his feeling over the last relationship and letting it screw up ours, the completely ruining my life fine, but to be so selfish and/or thoughtless that I had to go through that last night…..?


A picture of my carrot cupcakes, to end on something a bit more yummy!

When it all gets too much – bake some buns!

This post goes out with a special shout out to the wonderful Mrs Capt’n Firepants who has a brilliant blog and so once you have finished enjoying mine *subtle hint, cough cough!* then please pop by and say hello, you will not be disappointed!

(or it will if it ever gets posted as the stupid internet has decided to work against me -grr!!)

It is only Monday and already I’m having a bad week. Following on from the other days blank canvas post, I didn’t want to get all negative again and moan about how one of my friends seems to have decided I am responsible for everything bad in his life and is currently sending me abusive messages which are nicely getting worse if I try and ignore him, or the fact that OH has decided he is too tired to drive BD to my folks house tonight, and so if I want to see him I have to go to my old house, get him out the back garden and walk him around the village that used to be home, in the dark and probable rain. O and can I just put it out there I am scared of the dark – silly I know, but my heart rate quickens and I jump at every sound – this does not make for a relaxing walk or something I am particularly looking forward to….

but I really didn’t want another woe is me type post. Which let me once again starring into space and wishing my life had kinda worked out differently. Then I read the comment that the lovely Mrs F had put on my blog about feeling free to post a picture of a half eaten sandwich if I want to, and while I do not have a half eaten sandwich to show you today (I got my finger out and made a salad). I do have pictures of how I spent a few hours enjoying myself this weekend – baking buns.

And so here should be the lovely picture of my home made Carrot cake buns with cream cheese icing that I made for the first time this weekend. However the photos are on my phone and my phone has decided it doesn’t for reasons know only to itself want to share my picture with the rest of the world and so will not send the picture to my computer so that I can share it all with you.

Good job everything else is going so well in my life or this could really push me over the edge!!! :0)

fuss about nothing

I have written before about my morning routine and how I this has significantly changed since I had moved back in with my parents. Well I once of the many things that has been playing on my minds is the change to my evening routine…

I am one of these people who are better busy. When OH and I initially started dating I was out every day of the week with Zumba, aquafit, poolates, singing lessons, drama, meeting friends. My life was a whirlwind of running from one activity to another, and although this tired me out I loved it.

When OH and I moved in together a lot of these activities stopped mainly because I moved away from where a lot of the activates were held but also because I was warn out from rushing here, there and everywhere and I wanted some time to re-coup. This lead to a new routine where I got in from work, walked BD or we all went out on a cycle ride, did some training (of BD not OH – maybe that’s where I went wrong!), brushed BD, cooked tea, cleaned up, did housework, sorted lunch for the next day, washing….. I spent my evenings busy in a new way and I loved it!

I may have previously mentioned this but pre living with OH I was always a bit of a TV addict and I used the TV as others may use the radio. This meant that far too many times, I would waste an entire evening watching nothing but rubbish on TV. I felt this was a waste, and to avoid this I did all the pre-mentioned activities. OH didn’t like having the TV on all the time, and through living with him I have rediscovered my love for reading books and on an evening we would both curl up in bed and read for a while before falling asleep in each others arms. In fact I am massively impressed with myself that on the last weekend away with OH the TV didn’t go on once!

Knowing I was moving home I knew I would not have as much to fill my evening with, I am saving like a maniac and commuting miles so I can no longer afford all the clubs I did before. Also the long commute means I am now getting home in the cold and dark and after a long tedious day getting on my bike and heading out in the cold and rain, without the proper gear, is not top of my list of things to do. I worried that I would quickly slip back into old habits of watching rubbish on TV until late in the evening.

Last night, while working on my computer I had the TV on in the background, mum and dad had gone up to bed and left it on and I was killing time until Made in Chelsea came on – yes it is my guilty pleasure, I watch it and can spend the entire programme yelling abuse at stupid rich people! A newish television programme came on the screen – Gogglebox. For those of you who have not seen it, basically it is a programme watching peoples reactions as they watch television programmes from that week – a new cultural low I feel. On odd occasions I would glance up from my computer screen to see what was eliciting such shrieks and screams from the people ‘starring’ in this show and this is how I ended up watching:
– A woman masturbating a walrus, with a close up on his face and neither region as he approached and then climaxed. (God knows how I am ever going to get those images out of my head, good job it is a long time before I will be having sex again!
– Drunken blokes peeing in a toilet and then rolling on the floor of this night club toilets covering themselves in god knows what!

Concerned that I would end up watching rubbish on TV – no idea why I worried about that!!

I’m so excited!!

Tonight I get to see BD, and ok it will only be for a few hours but I am looking forward to it so much that I couldn’t sleep last night.

I am worried however that seeing him for a few hours is a completely selfish act? Am I not better to let him forget all about me? Will it be too traumatic for him to see me and have to leave me again? Will it hurt me to much to see BD and OH?

I am hoping that the weather will be nice so we can go on a nice walk, but I am a complete wuss and so if it is too dark we will just stay at my parents, play with Mitys toys and cuddle on the floor. Mity and BD have always gotten on fine, until one day I let my guard down and BD had a growl at Mity – I will never forgive myself for that laps in judgement as now they are only ever so slightly on edge when they are together. Or are they, my dad had them both one day while I took mum shopping and he said they were fine together so I hope I’m not putting an edgy feeling into the room?

I just want the few hours I have with BD to be amazing, and not to have to worry – I love him so much! OH said to me would I be as upset about the break-up if I wasn’t loosing the dog and house as well, and I must admit this is something I have thought about.

I am trying not to put too much emphasis on tonight in terms of me and OH. I have had friends advise me to look my best, remind him what he is missing, I have had other people tell me not to do this and cut them both out of my life forever, one friend told me to dress smart casual and when I suggested skinny jeans and a hoody the comment back was “do it you have a great arse” so things aren’t all bad! However I do know I will be gutted when he doesn’t fall on his knees and beg me to take him back and there is a tiny part of me that is questioning if my need to see BD is tied in to my need to see OH? Although I know that if OH wasn’t dropping him off I would still want to see him, but hey I like to stress and analyse every scenario!

One of my friends has strongly advised me against tonight, saying that if I want OH back I should completely cut him out of my life for the next three months otherwise how will he know that he wants me? This makes me sad, angry, concerned and worried. Why when it comes to something as life changing as matters of the heart do we have to play games? Why do you have to play hard to get to get the guy? Why do boys from a young age decide pushing a girl over in the playground is the way to show you care?

Why is it so wrong to wear your heart on your sleeve?