Anything I can do, she can do better…

Despite the ‘blip’ the other day, I am genuinely in a really good place and extremely happy with my life. I have great friends, an amazing family, my three little loves and you guys…what more does a girl need?!

My lightning bolt moment of realising it won’t happen until it’s supposed to has made me much more chilled and I am focusing on enjoying now. I am having so much fun that if it happens, ok but if it doesn’t then I will survive, adapt and be ok with that too.

However, along this happy with my life road it would appear there are hurdles I have to overcome. Little waves that rock me to my core and replace the “everything is perfect” with “OMG, I am a complete failure, who is dying alone. My ovaries are drying up and I will never have a baby, or feel love again, or go on holiday.”

As my friends develop with their lives, I can’t help but feel like I am the one being left behind. If this was a race I have barely left the start line while other people seem to be crossing the finish. This happened last night, I got the most amazing text from one of my closest, oldest friends. She is going to be a mum.

I am beyond happy for her. She is going to be a brilliant mum and I can’t wait to meet her kid. We have been friends since we were 11 years old. We sat together and dreamed about her man, my man, our kids growing up together… and despite her moving too far away for my liking I know that she will always be in my life, and I in hers.

Yes, as much as her news made me actually whoop out loud. It also made me feel a bit sad for a fleeting moment. Last year she got married, now she is going to be a mum. Whereas I just became a single parent to a rabbit, and I thought that made me grown up. In the scheme of things I don’t even come close…

I worried she would leave me behind. That this new adventure for her would be a step too far for me to reach. I have coped with the idea of my friends been married, enough of them have done that, our friendships have survived that. But she is the first to become a mum, and for a moment I worried that tis change would mean I would lose her.

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Just to be clear, I have not been stood up OK!!

It’s happened again, and it some aspects it is even more maddening than a really bad date…

Tonight I was supposed to be going on a first date. We have been chatting for a couple of months on and off, and had finally found a gap in both our schedules where we could meet. It has been in the diary for weeks and the suddenly the week of the date he has vanished.

At first I wasn’t particularly concerned about his lack of a response. One of the attractions was he had his own life and so we chatted when we could. Going  few days hearing nothing was perfectly normal.

But tonight is date night and so far he has ignored both the texts I have sent him this week. So my assumption is the date is off, which to be fair I am not going to be crying myself to sleep over. Yes, it would have been nice to meet him but I wasn’t planning long term. In fact I’m not seeing long term with anyone on my radar at the moment. In fact I am far more excited than I should be about my new tonight plans, which include chicken fajitas, red wine (and here is the worrying bit) a bit of hoovering and maybe a load of washing (I have no idea when that happened to me!)

However, the thing that annoys me is this is the second bloke who has vanished without a trace as ‘D day’ has arrived. Is it too much to send a text saying “I’m sorry but I met someone” or “I’ve been hit by a bus so can’t make tonight, rain check?”

 

 

 

Yearning

I had a bad date last night, and it didn’t have the desired effect. I had hoped that by dating a few people my heart would yearn for Edward and I would know… this guy who was so right on paper was right for me; and that it wasn’t that I didn’t fancy him, and could see me getting board of him within the month that was stopping me from committing but fear holding me back. The bad date made me yearn alright…but it wasn’t for Edward.

All it did was make me miss the ex. I missed how easy the conversation was even in the early days, how he would look at me and I would feel my ovaries skip a beat or how when we were together the rest of the world slipped away.

It made me look back wistfully over our time together and yet again resent him for giving up too easily and moving on too fast.

I ended the evening upset and missing him; well the guy I thought he was.

Is honesty the best policy?

Men are asses and just when I start to waver in this opinion one comes along to prove to me right. I know I am partly to blame, at least with this original ass but still. (yes, I can see the hypocrite in me, but it’s my blog so I will rant if I want to)

Edward has organised a date with someone else. That fact bothers me more than it should, but it’s not the fact he has organised another date that has bugged me, it is the manner in which he has done it.

After our last date I was a little disappointed. The guy I met in person bared very little similarities to the guy I had fallen for online. (Yes, fallen for… I know) and it made me doubt if I had just gotten carried away with not being alone.

We openly, and I honestly, discussed our feelings and I admitted to wanting to see him again. But that I didn’t know if I was ready to be exclusive.

I then went on a girl’s night out and a met a guy, who turned out to be a complete ass, but none the less there were fireworks and a little bit of me resented Edward because I felt it would be unfair to act on these feelings while we still hadn’t fully defined what we are.

Another long phone call later and Edward and I had decided that we would continue to go on dates (rather than just meet up as friends) but that we were both free to do what we want. The only promise being made was that we would be upfront and honest. I didn’t want to be sat at home thinking he was pinning for me, when in actual fact he was out pulling anything with a pulse.

So we both continued to chat to each other, we planned a second date (which I had to cancel twice cause I’m still not well) and we both continued to chat to whomever we met online.

I have since met a few guys who I am interested in enough to swap numbers and potentially meet in person. None of these guys are perfect, but I have a ‘what the hell’ attitude; a drink and a bit of conversation (hopefully) never hurt anyone. I considered telling Edward about these guys, but until there was a potential date in the pipeline I didn’t really see the point.

The today I was asked out by one of them, and I said yes.

I have a date with Edward planned for tonight and I wanted to tell him before seeing him. His response was to tell me he had been asked out by someone too. I was a bit upset he hadn’t told me, as we had agreed to be honest, and it did make me wonder if he was quite the honest open guy he seems. But he then went on to tell me he had turned her down.

Then a few minutes later I got an “I’ve organised a date with someone else too” message. And I have got to say I am a little disappointed. It feels like this date is somehow this date is a revenge date, going ahead purely because I am seeing someone else. I don’t want that. If he meets someone who is interested in and wants to meet up fine, but I don’t want him dating someone purely because I am. That gives me the impression that despite saying he was fine with me taking time to figure my shit out he in fact isn’t, which means I need to decide to commit or walk away, and if he is forcing me into that decision then I will walk away.

I am not sleeping with all these people. I am not even kissing all these people. I am just getting out there and meeting people. I tried to be open and honest. If and when the time comes I will be open and honest with the next guy.

I have to be selfish. I have to put me first.

As I said the other day, I am over the ex and I do not want to go back there. But I am not over what he did to me. The promises that he broke and the notion that by moving on I am accepting that love does not concur all. It is going to take me time to heal. The problem is if I lead with absolute honest, but the guys I talk to don’t. How do I move forwards without running the risk of hurting someone?

We are pleased to announce…

One of my Uni friends announced the birth of her second child over Facebook last night. However the sentence about “the new addition completing her little family” unlocked a wave of emotions for me. Here was a woman of my age, who is already at the stage of completing her family whereas I haven’t even started mine.

She has done the husband thing, the marriage thing and is not about to do the kid thing for the second time, whereas I am still spending my evenings alone. If life was a race, well she would be seriously kicking my arse.

However, as I thought about it more it dawned on me that I (hopefully) still have all these things to look forward to. While my other friends have settled down into a routine of married life, I still have that part of my life to discover, and in waiting a little longer to meet ‘the one’ I have had some amazing experiences which (hopefully) they never will. The experience of buying my own house was as scary as it was thrilling. I still get a buzz when I look around MY house and remind me that it is all mine. I have done this. I have done this. Not my boyfriend, not me with a husbands help, just me.

I have saved hard and found a house that I knew was right for me.

I have spent far too much time stood in a hardware shop agonising over which shade of blue to paint my house.

I have spent 2 hours stood in a furnishings shop debating over which towel to buy (true story)

I haven’t been completely alone, my parents have been unbelievable and supported me every inch of the way. But at the end of the day it has been me who has made me little house a reality and I wouldn’t swop that experience for an ‘complete’ family. Not now. Not ever. The complete family will come (I hope) but right now I am loving life, and so I need to stop the comparisons, stop worrying about the future and just enjoy the hear and now.

Now is NOT the time to stop lying to me #onlinedating

I don’t know if it’s because tonight was supposed to be date night, or would have been had the guy not vanished off the face of the earth, or if I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself; but I am in a bit of a funk and feeling totally fed up with the whole online dating charade. I can’t be bothered with coming up with witty intro messages, only to be ignored. I want to scream WTF at every balding, 50 + year old man who winks at me or sends an introductory message. No offence guys but seriously…

Anywho, for the first fews days after I signed up I had nothing but issues with the website I had been slightly conned into joining. I would get a daily email (about 11am) telling me who popular me profile was and that as a result I was receiving so much ‘interest’ they would stop updating me via email every time there was a ‘contact’ on my profile. My gut told me it was all bull, I told myself it was all bull, but I will admit it was nice to receive them.

The other annoying issue I had was being told I had ‘contacts’ which I couldn’t actually view – would you believe at one point 40 men had ‘apparently’ sent me emails to introduce themselves to me, yet when I tried to see these emails I could see about 4 new messages. This was more annoying than anything else, not for a moment did I consider that I had actually received 40 messages, but I know for a fact of some messages that have ‘apparently gone missing’ so it does make me worry if I am receiving everything I should be receiving and are all my initial emails getting through? But I digress slightly.

My main point is that while it was all new, exciting and full of possibilities I was being falsely buoyed up by the company; when there was no need cause I was naïve and thought that maybe this could lead to me finding someone special. There were so many possibilities, so man single men out there. Suddenly I wasn’t the only single person in the world (which I know I am not but with all my friends dating or married it often feels like I am, especially as none of them have any single guy friends!)

But now it has been a few weeks. I seem to be seeing the same photos of the same 20 guys. The one guy I did have a spark with has vanished (yes, I may have already told you that) and I am just kinda feeling a bit, ‘what’s the point’. The messages I am receiving, and the guys I am talking to are all the same, nice enough but conversation is basic and there isn’t really a spark. Anyone interesting, or hot, doesn’t seem to be interested in talking to me. Particularly annoying, was the guy who I spent ages thinking about a funny, relevant intro message… he viewed my profile, but never responded.

This is when I need to be being lied to. This is when the emails of support need to be received. It is now that I need the ‘company’ to be like a good girl friend, opening a bottle and telling me that “it’s their loss, all men are idiots and something much better is around the corner”

I am fragile, I am needy. This is not the time to bring the truth. Lie to me God dam it. I don’t need to hear the truth… I can’t handle the truth.

Well this is going well.

So having pulled myself out of my “I’m a complete failure for having to do the online dating thing” rut (which may or may not have had something to do with leaving  work and an evening cuddling with BD) I decided to look at this as a new adventure and embrace this new stage. I am still not sure where I stand on the whole new relationship part, but I don’t think any harm can come from getting out, meeting new people and having some fun ‘dates’. (I really hope I don’t live to regret those words!!) So with BD curled up on my lap and a glass of red wine in my hand (yes it was a school night but I had had a REALLY crappy day!) I entered the world of online dating. If I’m honest with you it could have gone better!

It started off as expected, a few confirmation emails and then I was sent an email which contained a list of my top matches. However on opening the email and looking through the ‘matches’ I can’t help but feel a slightly more accurate title for this list would have been “here is a list of people who are male and live vaguely near you” as key things like my age preference, preference about children etc had been overlooked! Anywho,

I decided to grab the bull by the horns (so to speak) and checked out a few profiles. Yes, it may have taken a second glass of wine to reach that stage and I may have also waited until I had received an email informing me ‘people were viewing my profile’. I was starting to feel better about the whole thing, until I tried to check out who had checked me out. Turns out this free dating site doesn’t let you do that. Well not unless you spend some money, and we aren’t talking pocket money peeps. Yep, turns out to actually make contact with anyone I am going to have to pay. This discovery did not make me a particularly happy bunny. To be honest, had I know I had to pay I would have signed up with a completely different site.  At this point I felt a little pissed off and can’t help but feel it would have been more use (and probably cheaper) for me to have made a sign made “single and desperate” and just taken to wearing it whenever I am out of the house. Perhaps I could even get a bell to ring…

In hindsight, this may have been the moment I should have put down the phone and walked away from the list of top matches random guys. However, I decided that this was not right and so I decided to just press every button and see if I could actually do anything. Turns out I could. I could wink at people. So I did. I winked at a couple of guys. This spurred me on to try other things. Turns out I may be able to send messages too, but not messages messages this conversation type thing. However turns out you can only send one of those, well at least I can only send one and I wasted it. I think I sent a witty, cute and endearing message to a guy who isn’t my usual type but has an interesting job however the guy in question may think I’m a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Only time will tell.

I wish I could say that’s the worst thing that I did. However there was one bloke who’s profile I may have viewed a couple of times and during one of those times I accidentally favourite it. Again, this is a feature that I didn’t know existed until I missed the scroll button and got a “profile favourite” message on my screen. I panicked slightly and hit the button to undo the favouriting, but then I worried about what this guy would think if I unfavourited his profile so I went to undo the undoing and refavourited it. All I can say is I hope this guy only gets on “a crazy woman looked at your profile, run like the wind” type message and not about a million messages because I imagine they would go a little something like this:

“X looked at your profile”

“X looked at your profile again”

“X has learnt how to wink and so winked at you”

“X saw someone elses profile who did not approve of winks and so decided to try and send you a message, but couldn’t figure out how to do that”

“X favourite your profile”

“X unfavourited your profile”

“X favourited your profile for the second time in as many minutes!”

“X looked at your profile and this time also checked out your pictures, because she decided if you were a favourite profile she should at least read your profile fully”

“X has abandoned online dating all together and is now looking into adopting a cat. We worry about the future of the cat!!!”

Online dating here I come!

Well I’ve done it. I picked a Username, bitten the bullet and I am now officially online dating. I feel like a failure. I feel like it’s a big sign over my head saying “couldn’t meet a guy the normal way” and I could cry!

I don’t know how I expected to feel; excited probably but I’m not. It feels like yet another situation that I don’t really want to or deserve to be in. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to meet new people, find out their likes and dislikes, play the dating game.

But we don’t get what we want, do we?

I had a dream last night. Not the good, the world is going to change kind of dream. This one was a sex dream. This one was a sex dream featuring my ex. This was “my ex is having sex with another woman in the next door room to me” sex dream – we’ve all had one of those right? :0S It was very PG and in no way racy, and to clarify my ex wasn’t even naked in my dream… but he there was. and he was focusing on another woman. I was in the adjoining room, with one of his friends trying to decide whether or not to sleep with him in a “2 fingers up, anything you can do I can do better” revenge shag. I still hadn’t made my mind up when I woke myself up.

I’ve felt numb for most of the day. It’s been a year, surely I should be past this?

Giving it time didn’t work. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about him and wish he was stood outside my door begging me to take him back. I know I couldn’t. I know there is no trust. But on days like today when it has just been one pile of shit after another I wish he could take me into his arms and make it all ok. But he can’t. I have to find a way to make it ok on my own. I know online dating isn’t the way to do that. But perhaps getting out there, meeting new people will be a start!

My boiler hates me!

I hate my boiler. My boiler hates me. The feeling is mutual. It wasn’t always, when I first moved in I gave my boiler the benefit of the doubt. The first few times I had no hot water and the central heating turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON… at 3 o’clock in the morning…. causing me to wake in a hot sweat. I forgave it.

I blamed myself. I thought I had set it up wrong.

So I ventured into the cupboard where it lives to re-asses my settings. I fiddled with the dials. I spoke with love… I spoke with respect…. I spoke with desperation… I spoke with threats. I am now onto at least my 3rd different set up of dial configurations.

Yesterday morning I was in heaven. I had not woken in a sweat in the middle of the night. My house was not freezing as I pulled myself wearily from my bed.

I thought it was sorted. I thought we were friends. I put the past behind me in a happy cloud of warmth and went to work.

When I came back the house was colder than expected. Come 8pm the house was freezing and I was snuggled under about 4 blankets and my big ginger collie. I refused to go upstairs and have it out with my boiler. I decided maybe the silent treatment was the only way it would learn…

And then at 10pm last night the bloody thing turned itself on. Just as I was going to bed it gurgled to life.

I am desperate – can anyone explain why, when the dial looks like this…

Although it may not look like it, this is in fact a torture device!!
Although it may not look like it, this is in fact a torture device!!

My heating has turned itself on?

At this exact moment. If it had turned itself on when it was near one of the dials I would at least have some sort of a clue as to why.

However, as far as I can see there is no Godly reason as to why it turned on at this exact moment – well no reason other than the fact it hates me and wants to see me suffer!

I thought I was a competent woman…

I have a good degree…

I have a good job…

but I may have to admit that the boiler has beaten me. Help!!

Getting a second opinion

It was Saturday night, I’d had a couple of glasses of wine and my friend and I were having a catch up. She was telling me about the ‘new man’ in her life (sounds a bit of a weird one I advised her to be cautions) and we were discussing the nightmare that is my none existent/still missing the ex like crazy love life.

We started off with her, she read me some of his messages and we tried to figure out what he mean. Yes, we are grown women but turns out when the other sex is involved you become children again. I will not comment on whether or not we analysed the meaning of the X’s on the end of the message. Then it was my turn.

I told her about an old friend who had got back in contact and who although I don’t think there is a spark I have agreed to go for a drink with. But I know it’s never going to be anything more than a friendship. Then we moved onto the guy who I fancy but who I know is bad news. We discussed whether I should have some fun, whether I could have the fun without getting hurt, and then I decided to read out some of the texts this guy has sent me.

Sitting in a box (she had no chairs) in her kitchen slowly the lights began to turn on. Reading out the texts it very quickly became abundantly clear that basically this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it and will feed me any like he likes to try and get the ‘cake’.

I had the awful feeling that I was a fool.

What was worse was the realisation that I was kidding myself. He doesn’t really care, he doesn’t really find himself drawn to me despite not wanting to. He has fed me line and line of crap and I have fallen for it.

And I can’t help but feel a little sad.

I knew there was no long term future. I knew it wouldn’t be wedding bells and a big white dress, but I thought it would be fun and I thought he liked me. Reading those messages out, even before my friend gave her opinion I was very aware that he had probably sent the same things to any girl with a pulse and I was the only one stupid enough to fall hook line and sinker for the crap.

I think I wanted to believe too much.

I wanted someone out there to fancy me.

I wanted someone out there to be thinking of me.

I never wanted him, not really. But I loved the idea of being wanted.

Only now I’m not.

I had hoped that a year in, I would be more over the ex than I am. Honestly a little bit of me had hoped that a year in I would have met someone. I have lost count of the number of people who have said “when I came out of a big relationship, within weeks I had met the man I am married to now” and although I loudly proclaimed that I was in no rush a little bit of me is.

I have done the dating thing. I was done with the dating thing. Now I’m not and god I hate it!