So the phone call from OH seems to have set off a chain reaction in my life and where things that were all falling together they are once again falling apart.
The house – The house was idea. It was a one bedroom terrace house, with an open fire and really low rent. I wanted it before I had seen it. It would have been ideal, close enough to work and the town that I would only need to get my car out if I was visiting my folks. It was cheap enough that I would have been able to save while renting, and it meant that I could spend some time figuring out my life before looking at a more permanent move. I was excited, and it felt slightly like things were starting to work out… and then I got a phone call (this time not from OH) saying the tenant was applying for a mortgage and if they couldn’t get a mortgage they would be staying for 6 more months. I told the agents that I would still be interested if there was this short delay, as it would mean I could save for 6 months so if they could keep me informed. I heard nothing, and so today I contacted them and it would appear that the tenant is staying for the foreseeable future. This house was £200 cheaper than anything else I have looked at, so now I am stuck at home saving for the next few months. Feeling like there was an end in sight helped massively, now I am more aware of the thought of well if I stay with my folks for a few years I will say more – I don’t want to get my feet to under the table, if I do I will still be there in 10 years’ time – but I can’t cut off my nose to spite my face so for the moment I am just in limbo!
The friends – Well it would appear that one friend (friend number 1) in particular is just being a little weird. I know that he is going through his own stuff at the moment, but he seems to be going out of his way to stir trouble between me and a second friend (friend number 2). He is flying off the handle if I say anything to him, assuming the worst and conversations that I thought were being had in confidence are being shared with this other friend (friend number 2) and I am worried it is starting to affect that friendship. Add to it that friend number 1 was there when I had my breakdown due to bullying and I just don’t know what his game is.
Work – Well where do I start with work. I have a love hate relationship with my work, I was hired in in an entry level position, however I have been quickly promoted (yeah) but not everyone seems to have recognised my new role. The new role has just added a load of (much more fun) work, on top of the old stuff I used to do and the term not enough hours in the day was invented for me. Add to that the office layout has recently changed; all desks are now in pairs or groups of three. All except mine, which is alone, in the corner, facing the wall. I go hours at a time without anyone talking to me (and I’m not making this up, I have timed it!)
One of the things I am finding the hardest through all this is my faith. I feel out with the church a long time ago ( a story for another time) but despite everything I have gone through I have kept my faith. However I don’t know if that makes this harder. I strongly believe (hell I know) that there is a God up there, looking down on my life and weeping tears with me when he sees me cry. I also know that there is the devil, and that he is responsible for most of the shit that I am currently going through.
The bit that hurts is that I know God is all powerful and if he wanted to he could wave his hand (or do whatever his magic move is) and sort all this out for me. Take away my pain and suffering or hell even give me a break or just have one small thing go right so I start to feel I am climbing out of this slump.
But he doesn’t want to…..?!