I’m not ok…and I’m not fine!

I want to shout, no I want to scream. I want to stamp my feet, throw a tantrum and sob uncontrollably until everything is ok. But it isn’t going to be ok. I’m worried I am never going to be ok again.

Last night I had yet another incident with a close family member. Throughout the years this person has felt it was their duty to correct me, challenge me and if I’m honest generally screw me up all under the pretence of ‘it’s only because I love you!’ and ‘I only say something because I care.’

Every time this has happened in the past I have beaten myself up. Judged myself, and found that the fault was mine.

I don’t like to point the finger, but with the help of a couple of counsellors, I can track back some of the problems I am having at the moment to conversations I had with this person when I was a child. “Remember the time you were joking with your parents, and everyone was laughing. Well inside they were crying because you’ve really hurt them.”

Tell that to a young child and watch her grow up fearing that she has misunderstood every situation she is put into from that moment onwards. Want to know where the bully found the hook for his mind games?

But it’s ok, because it is done out of love. Clearly I misunderstand their intentions, what they said, how it was meant. Other family members tell me this when I voice how I feel. Well that ‘misunderstanding’ has affected me deeply and currently sees me paying out more than I can afford to a counsellor to try and work through my issues.

It is not all their fault. I know that. But despite trying not to for a number of years, I have to admit they are involved in it somewhere.
I try to nurture everyone. What was said was said out of love and so I will forgive and just bury deep inside the hurt, pain, anguish it caused me. I go to them, reach out to them to make sure they are ok, that they are not upset. Forget my own feelings, I’m strong (despite what they think) so I bury it and more on.

I’m ok. It’s fine.

Only you don’t move on. It sits somewhere in your subconscious and slowly burrows its way in; waiting to spring back to life one day with the help of a bully or two.

The bully wrecks your life. You are put through hell and then some, but you don’t tell anyone. Not the full details. They see your red eyes, they know you have been crying but you don’t want to upset your nearest and dearest so you bury it.

He keeps it up, and slowly you start to crack.

You wonder ‘why you’, you start to believe that if you were a better person, a stronger person you would have been able to deal with this. You beat yourself up. Finally it becomes too much and you have a break down.

You take it to a tribunal, and they officially record a verdict of ‘not guilty’. Despite admitting various faults, changing everything within the day to day running of the office and suggesting this ‘manager’ needs further training they say ‘you are wrong, you misunderstood, you made it up!’

The people who witness it, who fought your corner, his latest victim all tell you that you were bullied, but that’s not enough. The people who matter think you lied. You start to believe that you were wrong. You start to feel guilty that your stupid misunderstanding has put a guy through the hell of a tribunal for the last few months. You feel guilty. You feel you misunderstood. Internally you continue to go through hell.

Outwardly you worry if you admit it still affects you, he wins. So you bury it.

I’m fine. It’s ok.

Only it doesn’t stay buried, not fully.

It slowly affects your daily life. In your new role you assess every situation, wondering what the meaning was behind the interaction. You wonder when it will start again. You hold your breath with every error found, assuming once again you will be blamed regardless of fault. You daren’t stand up for yourself, you don’t question anything. Keep your head down, try to be invisible.

But when asked how work is or how you are

I’m fine. It’s ok.

This analysis doesn’t stay confined to your work life either. Suddenly you worry about your friends, family – I know what they are saying to my face but what do they really mean? Any situation is analysed to death…. and then analysed some more.

It seeps into your relationship. You don’t believe him when he says forever. You doubt him when he tells you he is over his ex. You share every minute detail with anyone you meet; hoping one of them will tell you how to understand the situation. You spend your waking (and sleeping hours) analysing what he really means verses what he says.

Then he leaves. You feel slightly vindicated – you didn’t believe him when he said forever anyway. But you also panic. You thought he was the one. You would have married him had only he asked. You did mean forever. Did you drive him away? Was it all your fault?
Only worse than that it is another situation where your feelings were wrong. Your gut said, and continues to say ‘he’s the one’. But what do you know? You’ve been wrong before.

And your gut is still telling you to hang on. Despite everything your head is telling you your heart just won’t let go. You try. You tell yourself he isn’t worth it. Tell yourself you deserve better. You know coming back would never work. Yet he still feels like a part of you. You still miss him and wait each evening for him to walk back through the door despite knowing he never will.

You start to pick apart the relationship. What was said, what was meant. What you did wrong.

People start to assume you should be over it, and you feel weak if you admit that you’re still not. So you bury it.
I’m ok. It’s fine!

You’re scared. Terrified that next time you will get it wrong again.

You don’t know if it was love or not but either way that doesn’t matter it still screws you up. If it was love, well he walked away the next one could just as easily. If it wasn’t love then you really can’t read situations so how will you know if you are right next time?

You don’t know how to move forward. You don’t even know in which direction forward is.

Every night you go to sleep and pray that it will get better. Pray that tomorrow will be the day you are free of your demons.

Those voices keep on at you.

Not smart enough

Not popular enough

Not pretty enough

Not worth fighting for

You know everyone else is fighting their own demons, yet you feel they are managing them better than you. And those who aren’t well you just assume that they have it much worse. You assume everyone else is strong and you are weak. You feel their situations are worse after all it was only a broken heat, only bullying, only a misunderstanding…

And then a great man dies.

Takes his life as a result of his demons and the whole world gasps. He seemed to have it all. He seemed so together.

I can remember once thinking how selfish suicide is.

Now I realise how desperate a person must be to see that as the only way out.

Why do we (and I’m assuming it’s not just me) struggle to reach out and say “I’m not ok……actually it isn’t fine”? And why when those people do reach out do they so often get knocked back?

True story: I reached out to my minister. Told him I had hit rock bottom and didn’t know what to do with my life and where I was going to go. His response “what do you want me to do about it?”

If someone asks you if you are ok, are you brave enough to admit that you are not? And if you ask the question for the love of God care enough to listen to the answer.

So, how am I?
At the moment I’m not ok. I’m fighting and I’m trying but generally I’m a mess and don’t know what to do. I am considering new careers, empowering myself with my house, and just battling through each day at a time. I miss him. I hate him and I love him. I am worried about my mum who has been very ill and although not every day is shit I do have times when I am so far from ok I could just walk away from everything and keep walking. Not all days are bad. I haven’t moments of happiness and I do laugh. My dogs bring me so much joy – although I am terrified of the day I will loose them both. I continue to fight. I continue to try and overcome my demons I will not let them win. I will survive this.

Your turn.

How are you? ……And I genuinely mean that!

Random thoughts

You know that feeling when you are just stuck starring at an empty computer screen? You have so many thoughts running around your head, topics that you want to write about, product reviews to publish that you signed up for before you moved into your house and now realise it was wrong to agree to review when you didn’t have the time?

There are things I want to tell you about, like Mity walking with me this morning. He was so cute trotting along next to me, and he was walking so well we had time to extend the walk and I still got back to the house relaxed and early for work. I made the mistake of telling him how relaxed I was and how pleased I could have an extra long relaxing shower. So he threw up on the kitchen floor. Well I went from relaxed and chilled to late and frantic in the space of a few minutes.

The I want to share with you about my lightening bolt moment the other day when walking BD (my brain really seems to kick up a gear when walking my boys) and I realised that he would do anything I asked of him, follow me anywhere, take any risk. It both amazed and humbled me. Then it got me thinking about animal cruelty and I thought about the stories I have seen that I want to share, petitions to sign, differences to try and make.

But none of that is coming together today.

I wanted to ask for your help. I was going to challenge you with the life altering question of “what should I do with my life?” and hope you would be able to point me in any direction, because I sure as hell don’t know. I thought I had a career plan all sorted, then I was bullied. I took a new role, changed my life, let’s just say it’s not challenging me any more – I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to find motivation. With great delight I announced to my folks I fancied giving teaching a shot, which is a career I have dabbled with every time I am not happy. Originally I had a place on a teaching course at Uni but didn’t like the Uni that accepted me so went into Forensic Science. Then when I left that role I discussed accompanying a teacher friend into school to see what teaching was really like, but I got this new job and so I never did.

Part of my problem is I want to matter. I want the time I spend on this planet to matter. I want to make a difference………….. but I don’t know how.

I have never been one of those people who had a career picked out. I had a few dreams, but my parents pointed out that maybe I didn’t have the motivation I needed to go after those goals. They are right (hence the half written review) I like to work hard, but I don’t want to miss out on today while planning for tomorrow. The only thing I have ever wanted is a family and a husband (and lots of pets, but that went without saying right?!) I want to be able to give up work and raise my kids if I am ever lucky enough to have them. But as I grow up I realise this means I need to have a good nest egg, or a well established career which I can return to after a few years away. I think part of this panic about affording the future came from dating the ex. He had 9 years before he could retire, he was going to retire and see the world. This meant I had 9 years to get my shit together and afford to go with him.

Now he’s gone. But the worry I still have. In fact my career, or lack of, has become more important since he has gone. Before it didn’t matter because I came home to him and BD. I clock watched my way through most of the day but my evenings and weekends were beyond wonderful and so it didn’t matter as much. My life was full.

Now my life is a little empty.  I don’t have a successful relationship to boast about. I don’t have a job that I can wax lyrical about.

I feel stalled while all my friends are getting their ‘shit’ together.

Everyone seems to be doing it better, more competently, faster, with Jazz hands. I’m stuck on the back row forgetting the lines.

I know I’m just in a funk. I know that I am doing better than I think. I own my own house and that’s pretty spectacular. But in so many other ways I feel so very far behind.

Things that go bump in the night

I am not very good in the dark. It is one of the more practical things I miss about the ex. Having him there meant that I wasn’t alone in an evening, and due to his side of the bed being closest to the door, I was aware if anyone broke in in the middle of the night they would have to get through/over/round him (regardless of whether or not he was actually awake) before they could get to me. I even had a plan. As they came in the bedroom door I would make my exit out of the window. I would shimmy down the drain pipe before finding BD and taking him somewhere self before either waking neighbours or calling the police.

Ok, to be honest it probably wouldn’t be in any way that refined. The venetian blinds in the bedroom hated me and I could never get the bloody things open. So while the ex did his night in shining armour bit and fought for my dignity I would have been tugging on the blinds like a crazy woman, calling them every name under the sun and then have to wait for a break in the fight so that he could open the blinds for me.

Once I had overcome that hurdle, the next would have been my fear of heights. I don’t know if even the motivation of a burglar bursting into the bedroom would have got me out on the windowsill. But that didn’t matter, I had a plan!

Now there is just me. No warning bark from BD. No ex to get defend my honour. Just me.

Add to that my over-reactive imagination and it’s a wonder I’m not a gibbering wreck every evening when the sun starts to go down. I lie, I so am. Last night I walked past my kitchen windows trying very hard not to look out into the garden (I still don’t have any blinds!) then worrying that because I hadn’t looked I hadn’t seen the person hiding in the garden so forced myself to look anyway!

My stomach lurches every time I hear a noise.

Then last night as I lay in bed I heard the unmistakable sound of a door slowly opening, followed by the sound of someone climbing up the stairs.

I lay there afraid to move. I lay there afraid to breath.

The rational side of me told myself  “the walls are thin, it’s just the neighbours. And if it isn’t the neighbours all I have to do is scream”.

However,I still couldn’t help but look around my room to decide what would be my weapon when the time came to defend myself…….

I had a TV remote……

I had a hair brush……

I had a cuddly toy……

I’m screwed!

 

Why am I hanging on so hard?

I am scared terrified to let go. There I have admitted it. Deep down I am worried that the reason I am hanging on so God damn hard to my relationship in reality has very little to do with the guy but more to do with me being terrified of what it going to happen to me, how I am going to survive if I am wrong and he is not the one.

 

I can explain.

 

I overshare. That’s not a secret. But the reason for my blatant oversharing is. I have always been an open book but in recent years the reason for my oversharing has changed. I overshare because I no longer trust my ability to read a situation and I am looking for someone, anyone to tell me what I should think, what I should feel.

 

I have previously admitted that I was bullied in my last job. But I have not admitted to anyone, even myself, how bad that bullying was and how much it has damaged me. I worry if I admit to being damaged still he has won.

 

The guy messed with my head. He would be that little voice of doubt telling me I wasn’t good enough, clever enough, liked enough. I single handled ran a department for almost a year but he would tell me I wasn’t working hard enough. I gave my best, it wasn’t good enough. I gave more, it wasn’t good enough. The mind games this guy played…. He had a score chart which him and another colleague would laugh about where he would see how many times he could criticise me before I would show signs of being upset. I would have a lovely conversation with a colleague, and as soon as they moved out of ear shot he would be there telling me they didn’t like me, they didn’t think I was pulling my weight, that I didn’t fit in.

 

At first I shrugged it off but he carried on. Day in, Day out for over 3 years. That little drip of doubt started to affect me. My colleagues ‘told him’ I wasn’t pulling my weight, so I started cutting out breaks and staying late. At first I cut out joining people for tea break, which did nothing to ease the feeling of being left out. According to him this didn’t convince them, and made them hate me more, so I stopped taking a lunch break. I’m not going to go into details but it got to the point I was recording my daily activities onto a sheet to prove that I was pulling my weight. I accounted for every minute of my day, what I did, who I spoke to, what I was talking to them about, when I went to the loo, how long it took….

 

I got to the point I dreaded going into work. I was surviving on a couple of hours sleep a night, if I was lucky. I cried constantly, but never in front of him. His mind games made me doubt my ability to read people and understand a situation. After 3 years it started to affect my personal life too. I doubted if my friends meant what they said. Did they really want to see me? Did they really mean what they were telling me?

 

It got so bad I considered driving into the middle barrier of a motorway to try and get away from it all.

 

Finally it all came to a head. One of my colleagues who I confided in told this guy I had approached my union. I was terrified of how he would react and I refused to go into the office. Another manager was called to give me permission to be out of the office, and he said “he knew I had been singled out and treated unfairly but he had no idea it had reached this level. He had been meaning to raise his concerns but had never gotten round to it!”

 

Even after 3 years he hadn’t completely broke me. When I told the union what had happened they said it was bullying (at this point I was convinced I was just shit at my job) and asked if I wanted to start formal proceeding. I did. However in the true style of a big organisation the bullying was hushed up. The investigation resulted in some major changes, people were moved, offices changed, other people came forwards to say they too had experienced this behaviour. But the official line was it was a misunderstanding that had gotten out of hand.

 

That result was like a kick in the stomach. It was like they said “yes we know you think this guy has made your life hell for 3 years, destroyed your confidence in yourself, made you doubt your ability to understand a situation but you’re wrong it was all a big misunderstanding”. Basically it felt like they were saying he’s right. You can’t understand a situation.

 

It made me worry I was just over sensitive. That I had blown a mole hill into a mountain. Luckily I had some brilliant people in my corner assuring me that it was bullying, that I’m not crazy but sometimes when I’m alone I can hear that small voice of doubt. “you made it all up, you really were shit, your career is over because you aren’t good enough.”

 

 

Enter the ex.

 

People say you know when you have met the one. I thought I knew. He feels like the other half of me, and from day one we just made sense together. Yes there were problems, yes we argued but at the end of the day I was confident in our relationship and for the first time in ages trusted my gut feeling of “this is meant to be.” Only now it’s not. Now yet again I am wrong, my understanding of a situation is wrong.

 

This terrifies me. At work I still worry on a daily basis about what people think. I still get panicky and worried about normal situations waiting for the blame to start. Waiting for the bullying to come back.

 

I am hanging on to the ex because I am terrified that if I am wrong about him, about us I will never trust myself to understand a situation again.

 

Yes, I worry about the normal stuff too. Trusting someone again, the fact I was so easy to leave, taking that leap with someone new. And I know I will miss him like crazy. But I worry the scars this will open runs so much deeper.

Thunder Being Stolen!!

I can’t help but worry that this is what’s happening to me at the moment. You see, me getting my own place has lit a fire underneath my sister and her boyfriend and they have suddenly decided that they have had enough of their rented house and so would like to get a place of their own. I can completely understand where they are coming from, and I genuinely do hope they find their own little place soon, but there is a part of me that feels like my thunder is being stolen and part of me thinks does she have to have everything??? She has the functioning, we’re going to get married and have babies relationship does she need the dream house right now too?

What I have been through I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Having the guy you were hoping to marry kick you out while your planning a forever after not only rips your heart out but does a pretty good job of totally fucking with your head as well. Especially if you are still having counselling as a result of the work place bullying and mind games. But there is part of me that looks at her and can’t help but think that she has it all, and she’s about to have even more.

It literally started the evening I had completed. They came round to see my house, but quickly the conversation moved onto the two new houses they were viewing that week. Tonight my folks were hoping to come and help with further work around my house and celebrate the installation of my new wood burning stove but instead they are having to go and view houses with the two of them.

I know it shouldn’t matter. I talked to my dad and he pointed out that even when they get their place, I have bought mine alone. I am renovating it single-handedly, and they are both immensely proud of me for doing this. But I know there house is going to be bigger, that people will stop talking about my house, my achievements and suddenly their house will be the new topic of conversation.

Selfishly, when I feel like such a failure having my house move glossed over is making me feel very much like my thunder is being stolen and I don’t like it!!

I kissed a toad.

Today I was unsure as to what I was going to write. I had many different topics in my head but they never really went anywhere but then I went to visit Mum’s the Word and read this post. Unfortunately this means that I am taking a step away from the positive place I was trying to be in (did you not notice?) and instead I am once again asking for your support.

I have briefly told you about the various guys in my past who have managed to mess me up and I referenced the toad and the fact he has found his latest ‘target’. Well despite having no contact with the toad I am still Facebook friends with his current ‘target’ and the friendship group that we shared until his true colours were outted. Last night I found out that the toad, his ‘target’ and all of ‘our’ friends went out at the weekend and I wasn’t invited and they are now planning a second evening out and yet again my name has been left off the invite list.

To be brutally honest I want nothing to do with him and have no intentions of having anything to do with him ever again, but the people he is hanging around with I thought were my friends. In their defence I don’t know what they have been told about why me and his other victim will have nothing to do with him, I am sure he has told quite the yarn, but his ‘target’ and one of her friends know everything. They know the dark details, the way he lied, they were warned to take care and keep away. It makes me feel like they don’t believe me, it makes me feel like they don’t value me.

I know I should not let it bother me and just walk away and get on with my life. But I lost my job because of a bully, why should I know loose my friends because of this tw@?!

Brutal honest over-share!

I was bullied out of the first ‘proper job’ I had. My boss took a dislike to me. Probably because I called him out on his comment “Girls don’t get drugged and raped, they get drunk and stupid!”. I know total prat!

Anyway, he told another of my colleagues that he was going to get rid of me (she wasn’t a particularly nice person either!) and he did. It took him 5 years, and I had a near complete break down, but he finally got me out of a job that I loved and had trained for. The way he did this was to completely distort my perception of reality. If someone was nice to me, he would say they hated me. If I did something well, he would find fault. If someone else made a mistake, he would blame me. At first I knew he was just being an ass but 5 years later he had me considering driving into a motorway barrier (the one in the middle of a pretty major motorway) to try and get a few weeks off sick. I didn’t want to kill myself….. just break a few bones!
During this time, another colleague had become a bit of a confident. She pointed out that I could do no right. Warned me about the pair of them and their planning and provided a much needed shoulder to cry on. I thought I could count on her. I trusted her. Then I was sent a way on a course for a few days and returned to work to find that not only had she had told these two everything but she had added a twist; I was going after their jobs to get them fired. This lead to tribunals, my first lot of counselling and finally me telling the company where they could shove their job. I was warned by three healthy professionals that I could not go back into that offer and so I walked out of that job on Christmas eve, with no idea where I was going and what my future held.

Whilst off sick from work, I was introduced to a new guy. He was older, he was wiser…..he was a toad. I should have seen the signs, but I wasn’t in a good place. He started off being a shoulder to cry on. Then he suggested we should meet in private. Told me he cared. Told me his wife didn’t understand him. Told me he had told her that he felt unloved and she didn’t care. Told me he loved me. Told me he would leave her for me.
This relationship took me to some pretty dark places. I am not going to share details but I was not in a good place. Despite all this I really believed he cared for me. Even after it ended I thought he was a good friend and I had no reason to suspect anything different. Until a few weeks ago when it turns out whilst doing this with me he was doing it to another vulnerable woman I know. Seems that this guy has a type and it is vulnerable woman. He takes them under his wing, and then slowly manipulates us. I think he has moved onto his new target. She is young, naïve and going through some shit – hell she’s me four years ago when this happened. However she doesn’t see this. She thinks he is wonderful. I worry about her but what more can I do?

He and BD pulled me out of all this. Meeting him gave me the strength to get out of the really really bad ‘relationship’. He taught me the true meaning of love. He made me feel safe and secure. He made me happier than I ever thought possible.

As a result of the bullying, I am still in counselling. I feel weak to admit that I am still affected on a daily basis as a result of the shit that I was put through by this boss. My boss made me doubt my ability to read a situation – this was his big head fuck trick that he left me with. This is what drove me to a complete break down. Even now I am not 100% certain of a situation until I have overshared it with friends and family. It was one of the problems in my relationship. It is what has sent me back to counselling.

I trusted the boss, eventually.

I trusted the toad, for years.

I don’t trust myself to understand a situation.

Slowly through my relationship I got better at this.

I have told you multiple times that I feel he was the one. I was prepared to marry him had he asked, and had he not asked I was happy to live in sin for the rest of my life. I wanted to be with him, and was confident in our love. Confident that we were soul mates. Confident that I had found the one. Even when it went wrong, even now I am hanging on to the fact that deep down I know he is the one.

If I am wrong about this, I don’t know how I will every recover. If I am wrong about this, how will I ever trust myself to understand any situation ever again. If I am wrong about this…

The hardest word.

Today I am going to hopefully put into writing a post that has been going around and around in my head for the last few weeks. You know that good old Elton John song, which contains the lyrics “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”? I don’t know the song title, and in fact you should be significantly impressed that I know it is Elton John who song this song as it is very rare that I can tell you the artist or song title – I am worse than useless in pub quizzes! Anyway I digress (what a surprise!)

The song seems to indicate that sorry is the hardest word to say. My assumption is that it is the hardest word to say and mean, but who knows what Mr John was thinking when he wrote that song. In fact to go off on another tangent, it really annoyed me in A level music when we had to identify the reason behind every single note placement in a piece of music. I am sorry, but I do not believe that Mozart sat and figured out every single note of every single piece. I do not imagine him sat there saying “If I put this note here, the audience will think I am going to the minor chord but I can tease them an instead move onto the diminished 7th!” I imagine he was more likely thinking, “hum, I have to write an entire coronation anthem and my deadline is next week. This sounds good, let’s crack on.”

I was reading an article online the other day (I have no idea where so I can’t provide a link). to summaries it was saying that men are more successful in the work place because they are more sure of themselves. Whereas woman will say sorry for situations that aren’t even their fault, men tend to shrug the situation off and move on. I am aware that this is a huge generalisation, but when sat at work I have to admit that I see a lot of truth in what this article was saying.

You see I say sorry far too easily! Someone walks into me, I apologise. Someone kicks a box I have put on the floor, I apologise. Someone doesn’t hold the door for me, yep I apologise. (real life examples!) It has started to feel that I am apologising for living!! The problem is I’m massively shy, and when there is an awkward silence or I don’t know what to say I say “Sorry.” I have developed this habit and I hate it. I want to break this habit now but I don’t know how.

Currently I am saying sorry and then letting out this little groan of annoyance (not even slightly weird!) but I think I need a better more permanent solution. So any tips? Any advice as to what I can stay instead?

O my god I have verbal diarrhoea

So this weekend I haven’t coped well at all, to the point that I am getting annoyed with myself – yesterday I did not want to get out of bed, and when I finally did I would burst into tears at anything.. I walked into the kitchen and cried, I left the kitchen and cried, a tv advert finished and yep you guessed it. In my defence I would like to point out I am very hormonal, not sleeping and currently ill (if it doesn’t rain it pours right?!) however worse than the unending tears seems to be the fact that I have lost all control of my mouth…

I am now telling complete strangers about my life and not in a breezy happy sort of endearing kind of way..

Exhibit a: The taxi driver.
So on Saturday night I went round to a friend house for a long overdue catch up. She has recently moved back to the area after about 3 years away and so we decided we were in need of a catch up over a bottle of wine (and this time it really was just the one bottle!). I will admit to feeling a little upset when I got into the taxi. Earlier in the day I had been shopping with another friend and it is the first time I have spent a day in that particular place and not been picked up or texted OH on the way home to tell him all about it, so I was a little fragile (and remember I’m ill and hormonal right)

I entered the taxi like any normal human being, I even managed the standard “what time did you start” and “what time do you finish” compulsory questions and then the taxi driver made the mistake of asking me “so have you big plans for tonight”…. and he got it all. The story about how I was recently single, how I don’t want to be single, how I can’t understand why I am single and that I am going to die alone with 50 cats (ok maybe that last bit I did leave out) but this poor guy got much more than was required or even necessary for the entire trip and when I wasn’t over sharing I was apologising for over-sharing before telling him something else he didn’t need to know. I would like to explain that I genuinely tried not to tell him, and did survive a few minutes. I can’t even use the excuse that I was filling an awkward silence as there wasn’t any and it was a short journey. I literally just opened my mouth and dumped the entire mess that is me on him.

It may surprise you to learn that he wasn’t my return taxi driver on the way home, and I now probably have a warning next to my name and will be avoided by taxi drivers for the rest of my life!

Exhibit b: The work colleague:
Before writing this I went to heat up my soup for lunch in the microwave. While I was waiting for my soup to reach the required temperature a work colleague came into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Having exchanged ‘nice weekend’ pleasantries he made the mistake of mentioning Christmas and once again my response was sharing a little too much. I told him how I was supposed to be spending the first two weeks on holiday, to celebrate OHs big birthday this year. I told him that while out there we should have been celebrating mine also and on the 18th OH and I should be celebrating another year together and how before “he chucked me out” (direct quote) we had even planned how we were going to spend this new years.

Yep he picked up his coffee and ran!

What the hell is wrong with me????

A bad head space

Yep, I didn’t think it was possible, and I really wanted to bring some light into this little corner of blogville but it would appear that when I thought I had hit rock bottom, I find there is even further to fall and I can feel even shitter than I did.

You know your best friend, that person you can pick up the phone to any time of the day or night? who picks you for their team at school despite knowing that your can’t swing a bat to save your life? Yeah that person….I don’t have one. All through school there were people who I became close to and would consider a best mate, then I would come across someone who was feeling lonely and I would invite them to come and play with me and my friend and suddenly the two of them would have play dates that I wouldn’t be invited to, forget to tell me about something that was planned, slowly I would feel more and more like a third wheel and so in the end I stopped trying. Yes the final decision was my own, but I didn’t feel wanted or needed and so I would go off on my own, find another friend and the pattern would repeat!

No I would like to tell you I am over reacting, but this happened at least once that I can think of at Primary School, twice in Secondary School and even happened first year of uni – I’m not going to name names, but I could that is how much this has bothered me.

Last night I went to my amateur dramatics group (yes I am one of those people) and despite arriving with a good friend, whose house I was staying at later that evening. I must have been in a negative mood when I arrived because my friend was first through the door and so was engulfed in hugs, while I stood there waiting my turn. I know this shouldn’t have bothered me but it did. It could have been that it was my first time back since splitting with OH, that made me extra sensitive but I felt left out and from there it was a downwards spiral, I found myself feeling on the edge of conversations and even being ignored or talked over when I said something. It got to the point that when we sat down for tea break I was uber aware that having sat down first people filed in next to me one at a time, but always sitting next to the other person – I was on the edge looking at other people sharing jokes and laughing.

It didn’t help that I came home to some Facebook emails which only helped to pray on these feelings, the first is that one of my friends has yet again double booked himself and so was suggesting he cancelled me. An evening out was suggested around the town that OH used to live in. This town is a good 40 minutes from us, and is in the middle of no-where yet a group of my friends for the first time ever has decided that they want to go and explore this place – did not one of them think that this might be hard for me??

My other issue is my sister has unfortunately been worse than shit since my break up. The weekend I moved out she was amazing but since then the only thing she has done is tell me OH clearly never loved me and made vague offers of having me round to hers but never actually set a date. When I discussed me buying a house and put the suggestion to her or her and her partner coming up for a full weekend (Fri – Sun) once she said…”well no we wouldn’t do that but I would come and see you odd evenings!”

My sister and I have never gotten on, in fact the only time we don’t argue is when we don’t see each other – this is something she will openly admit also. All through school we clearly had our own groups of friends, and when our friends (who had siblings with the same age gap as my sister and I) started ‘hanging out’ together, the one thing my sister and I could agree on was that we didn’t want to hang out with each other and each others friends.

However recently she seems to have forgotten this I have a Uni friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years who is coming back to the UK for one night only. Now this sounds petty (and probably is) but he is my Uni friend, he got to know my sister in the short time he lived not far from me and I would have him round for the night and because I was living with my folks and my sister he got to know her, but he was my friend. However on this one night only when I have a chance to have a proper catch up and see him she’s coming and I know it sounds awful but I don’t want her there – she has her work colleagues, her multiple friends, her successful relationship, her house with her partner, must she take my few friends as well?

I know I am being pathetic, but it would appear that everywhere I am turning at the moment brings up more proof to the fact that I am over looked – noticed from last nights drama meeting were circulated this morning, and everything was on there…except the clothing issue that I mentioned. (A quick text to the person sending out the notice confirmed that he had just overlooked me and he was sorry) I walk into the office and no-one says good morning, and I go to sit out my desk. The lay out of our office is no different to any other office, the desks are nested together around the office with two groups of two, a group of four, and then one solitary desk alone in the corner….anyone want to guess who is sat at the loan desk?

P.s This head state lead to me texting OH at 1am this morning with three simple words “I Miss You”, as he is the only person ever who has put me first – he hasn’t responded!