Category: It’s not easy being me!!

Our First Fight

I suppose it was inevitable, with everything moving so quickly our first fight would also happen within the first few weeks. It was a stupid fight, brought about by a miss-interpreting a message, a mixture of pain pills and him refusing to believe me when I told him I was not in a bad mood. .. I’ll leave you to decide who was in the wrong.

The problem for me wasn’t so much the fight itself. Everyone fights. It was more the not knowing what was going to happen post fight, when we both decided to talk to each other again.

As far as I was concerned, the fight didn’t stop me from caring about him. It didn’t stop me from wanting to be with him. It just meant that I was annoyed with him, and his refusal to talk it through.

But it made me worry about where his head was, where it is?

I know that if a simple miss-understanding is enough to make him walk away from me, he doesn’t deserve me. But I worry about what that will mean for me if he does. I believed that me and my ex would survive; I was wrong. I don’t want to be wrong about this being something too.

I worry that if I am wrong I won’t be able to trust myself to read any situations.

I worry what it will mean for any future relationships – well I worry that there just won’t be any future relationships. That I will just walk away from it all.

I know that if he walks away now, I will be beyond gutted, but I will survive. I’ve already been through heartbreak and come out stronger. But my inner demons, the concerns about not understanding situations – if I am wrong about this, about him, about us; I am worried they will win!

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Stressed doesn’t even cover it!

What is it with me and new jobs? When I started at my previous place I ended up having my wisdom teeth removed the week before I started which meant I arrived at my new job swollen faced and popping pills every 2 hours!

It has happened again this time, not the pill popping (well at least not so many) but it is the second week at my new job and already I have had to have a late start due to my car needing a service and an extended lunch break to cover a Doctors trip. Now to most people this probably sounds like very little, but for someone who was horrendously bullied by their first ‘proper’ boss, it has the voices worrying me. I don’t want people to think I am skiving off, that I am not pulling my weight, and although I know when they get to know me they will know I am not like that; two weeks in I am a little concerned.

The worst was the Doctors appointment. For 3 days I tried unsuccessfully to get an appointment outside of work hours. When that didn’t happen, I scheduled it about lunchtime. I now get an hour for lunch, so with 20 minutes to the surgery and 20 back, it was tight but manageable.

Or at least it would have been. The Doctor was running 50 minutes late… 50 minutes.

She apologised when I was finally seen, but that wasn’t good enough. I imagine that it wasn’t fully her fault, but when did it become ok to run 50 minutes late? There were signs all over the surgery telling everyone that the appointment with the Doctor was for no more than 8 – 10 minutes. So either she or her patients are not sticking to this rule. Also even if the appointments are only for this time, why doesn’t the receptionist build a little slack into the Doctors day to ensure that this doesn’t happen?

I value the NHS and the work that the Doctors and Nurses do; but a 50 minute wait isn’t good enough. Time and time again I went to the reception desk to ask how much longer and each time I was promised I was next. However when I queried how long, they kept telling me they didn’t know (um, what about the signs saying 8 – 10 minutes max?!) I didn’t feel I could walk out, it had taken 3 days to get me there. But I was such a state by the time I was finally scene, I just wanted to get out of there. And this lead to the second problem…

The doctor examined me, asked me some questions and said I must have suffered from X a lot in my life time. I told her that no, I hadn’t. In fact I had never had X as far as I could remember. Her response, was oh, well you must have. She then berated me for not having an earlier appointment as apparently, with it being Friday lunchtime it was too late to run any tests.Grr! So I left with a diagnosis and medication that I am not even 50% confident in. I tried to argue a little, and explain that I had been trying for an early morning appointment for a number of days… but with the clock ticking away and me desperate to get back eventually I stopped arguing and just left with my tablets (which I am now popping at work!)

All in all the entire experience was a nightmare.

I try to not self diagnose, or treat. But after that experience, it is going to take something major to get me back into the Doctors surgery.

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You guys have given me a kick up the ass!

My wobble had me self-wallowing. I was back in the woe is me camp, do I want me ex back, how could he leave train of thought and then I opened my blog and saw your comments. I have to admit to the comments not being the comments I wanted. I wanted you all to join me in telling anyone who would listen that I couldn’t possibly let Bd go, that I could get over the ex and keep having Bd in my life, with a few verses of he’s an idiot thrown in for good measure.

You see I had thought being animal lovers you would all side with me about not letting go of Bd. That you would support me in the ‘woe is me’ pity party I am throwing for myself. Hell, I hoped some of you would even provide food and drink.

However you didn’t. You were completely honest and forced me to admit that if I want to keep Bd in my life I am going to have to prove people wrong. I have to stand firm, against the crowd in my belief that I can do this and this has given me a very hard kick up the ass.

I am going to have to focus on myself. Stop negative trains of thoughts that have me yearning for the past before they take hold. If I want to keep Bd, I am going to have to fight hard to prove you all wrong. To prove that it is capable…

And now I have something to fight for. Something to be strong about. When the negative thoughts come I can stop them knowing that if I don’t I will have to loose Bd or face alienating people; you are all so lovely, but I know the day will come when you will get sick of offering advice and me not taking it! I know I would.

So I want to say thank you. Thank you for not being my chorus of ‘yes men’ thank you for being honest with me, and thank you for helping me find an inner strength.

I’ll keep you posted on how I get on ;0)

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#onlinedating ….rules?

I have come to realise that the whole online dating charade is so weird, suddenly dating has new rules, new boundaries… If i met a guy in a pub, we chatted and got on I would (potentially) give him my number so that we could meet up at another time and no one would think anything of it. But if you meet someone online, suddenly because they could be anybody we keep our identities close to our chest (well as close as you can when your photo is there for all to see) and DO NOT share any personal information. Yet, apart from actually looking at the person (and for the moment lets forget about all the little subliminal messages) all you have is the other persons word that they are what/who they claim to be.

Having had this realisation I have decided to let me guard down a little. Don’t worry I haven’t gone completely crazy, I still haven’t admitted to where I actually live and I am not meeting any guys somewhere that isn’t public with everyone who knows me knowing exactly where I am going and who I am going there to meet. But I have started handing out my phone number a little bit easier, when I feel a spark and now I would be up for a date then if they ask I will give them my number.

This has lead to a new problem. Part of the online dating experience is ‘playing the field’ I don’t mean sleeping with lots of people, but it seems to be important to keep your options open and not commit too quickly (which is weird cause had I met a guy in a bar I wouldn’t be going out looking for other people to chat to just so he didn’t monopolies my evening!) Anyway, this means I have now swooped numbers with a few guys and have a couple of dates in the pipelines.

However, taking them off the online world and putting them into my phone has caused a new problem. When I save people in my phone I usually use a nickname or key word to help identify the individual. For example Charlie (Group) was a guy who was in my group for some course work at Uni, (Postman) Phil was an idiot I talked to on a night out but remembered that he worked for the post Office and Geraldine was the part a woman played in my drama club her actual name was Kate. There is no rhyme, reason or logic to the names in my phone.

Most of the guys I have met online and switched numbers with (there has been 6) have said something memorable or had transferable usernames to help me come up with their ‘phone’ names. However there is one guy who I have saved literally as Bob (as a.it was part of his username and b. I thought I would remember who he was) who has got back in contact after a few days of being quiet and now I do not have a clue who he is. I am assuming there was an attraction as I wouldn’t have given out my number if not, but I don’t have a clue. Anyone got any tips as to how you subtle ask someone what they look like and who they are after you have been speaking to them for a few weeks??

 

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All in a days work!

Today is not my day. I know it is still only early (or is at the time of writing!) but I am going to go out on a limb and call it not my day!

It started off with me losing the daily “shall I get out of bed” battle. Things are… complicated… at work and I am feeling less and less appreciated or valued. Annoyingly I have this thing coping mechanism, which I have had since I was a child, where if I don’t want tomorrow to come I just stay awake all night… cause if I don’t sleep it can’t be tomorrow. I know it makes no sense, but it’s a habit I am struggling to break meaning. So I currently average 5 – 6 hours a night. I know to some of you that will seem like a lot, but for me it makes it VERY hard to get up in the morning. Add to that a cold bedroom and absolutely no desire to go to work… I am currently playing how late can I get out of bed and still make it to work on time (answer 8.30am for a 9am start!)

Then my shoe rack fell on me as I was rushing out the door on my way to work. It brought 3 pairs of shoes down on me. It didn’t hurt and more importantly it didn’t damage any of my wallpaper (yes that was my bigger concern) however it did manage to slow me down, which I really didn’t have time.

I then got into work and proceeded to blow up the kitchen!

I don’t know how I did it. I was checking on the porridge I was cooking for breakfast (there is no way I can eat and get to work in less than 20 minutes) and suddenly a microwave that was working, wasn’t. In fact the whole kitchen wasn’t working.

Luckily single life has at the very least gotten me out of the habit of thinking ‘oops’ and running to find the nearest man to fix it. So I used my detective skills and realised I had blown the fuse for the kitchen. I located the fuse box, flicked the switch and voila. However, the microwave was still broken. I tried a new fuse in the microwave, still dead. I tried another 4 fuses in the microwave and nothing – suddenly the homemade soup I had brought for lunch was looking less appetising!

7 fuses, an electrician and an entire strip down later (to clarify the microwave was stripped down by the electrician. Neither the electrician or myself thought that taking our clothes off would rectify the situation!) and the microwave has officially been labelled as dead.

It wouldn’t be so bad but this is the 3rd works microwave I have broken in a row!

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I’m not always blonde but…

I hate planning my birthday celebrations, being a December baby it is always a pain as one by one friends find other priorities (namely work Christmas dos) and I find myself feeling slightly hurt and dejected. Each year I promise myself that next year I will just ‘let it go’ and only celebrate with my parents and close family. However, each year I give in and plan something (usually at the instance of friends, who then back out and let me down!)

As ‘luck’ would have it I had the most amazing birthday the year I moved in with the ex, the universe decided to work with me and so for the first time in my life I ended up booking a table for over 20 people. Everyone got on. The night was perfect and the ex decided to surprise me (and everyone else) by ordering some bubbles for a toast, which he said afterwards in the taxi on the way home “was worth it for the look on my face!”

Anywho, this year cost was a major factor and so I thought I had hit the jackpot as I booked in for a Christmas part night at a local hotel (the one bonus of a December birthday!) for £30 we are having a glass of fizz on arrival, 3 courses and a DJ playing until the small hours.

I was excited. I managed to gather a reasonable number of friends and the booking was made. I have now paid the full deposit and all systems are go… or at least they were. You see in counting up numbers for the night I have made one tiny mistake. I have forgotten to include myself in the final head count.

So on my birthday 5 of my closest friends will be heading out for a black tie event…I just hope the hotel can fit me in!!

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I’m one step away from buying a ‘Love Fern’

Well I have been online dating for almost a week and I thought I should let you know how it has gone:

–  potential dates: 2

– marriage proposals: 3

– naked photos received: 0

I have also…

– Been asked if I would date someone with children (I would, but not you)

– Been asked if I would date someone with a different ethical background.

(and…)

– Discussed children and how it would fit in raising them around mutual work commitments.

– Talked about my ex.

– Talked about my newly discovered trust issues.

– Accused a guy of only wanting me as another notch on his bed post.

– Told a guy I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

(It gets better…)

– When asked by a guy if i was “dead” cause it took me more than 5 minutes to reply to an IM responded with “Yes” and blocked him.

– Replied “cause all men are b*stards” when asked why a ‘cute’ girl like me was single and on a dating site.

– Shared my ‘Love is a crock’ theory and said I will only marry for millions.

– Used the phrase “you have a stunning eye area” in an introductory email to one guy.

– Condescendingly challenged a 25 year old about whether or not he was too young to be looking for a serious relationship.

– Replied with “are you drunk” when a guy said ‘I heart you’.

– Admitted to a guy that I was sulking because he was taking too long to reply to my messages, and told him if he had time to be online he had time to send me a text.

– Repeatedly tried to assure the above guy that I am not a bunny boiler/stalker/weirdo.

Seriously it’s like I want to die alone!!

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I’ve got mail

I can’t believe it. Suddenly everything is alright with the world and I am in a happy bubble of love because not only has my online profile received 4 views but someone has sent me a message. This was it, this was the one. I clicked on the message eager to see what he had said, when…

“to see the message please pay £X” appeared on my screen.

Yep, in a moment of happiness I forgot that my free dating site isn’t free, and now it’s worse. Someone wants to make contact with me, a guy has reached out and that message is being held for ransom.

I feel my willpower slipping. I think I am going to have to give in and actually pay for this stupid free dating site!! Grrr

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Well this is going well.

So having pulled myself out of my “I’m a complete failure for having to do the online dating thing” rut (which may or may not have had something to do with leaving  work and an evening cuddling with BD) I decided to look at this as a new adventure and embrace this new stage. I am still not sure where I stand on the whole new relationship part, but I don’t think any harm can come from getting out, meeting new people and having some fun ‘dates’. (I really hope I don’t live to regret those words!!) So with BD curled up on my lap and a glass of red wine in my hand (yes it was a school night but I had had a REALLY crappy day!) I entered the world of online dating. If I’m honest with you it could have gone better!

It started off as expected, a few confirmation emails and then I was sent an email which contained a list of my top matches. However on opening the email and looking through the ‘matches’ I can’t help but feel a slightly more accurate title for this list would have been “here is a list of people who are male and live vaguely near you” as key things like my age preference, preference about children etc had been overlooked! Anywho,

I decided to grab the bull by the horns (so to speak) and checked out a few profiles. Yes, it may have taken a second glass of wine to reach that stage and I may have also waited until I had received an email informing me ‘people were viewing my profile’. I was starting to feel better about the whole thing, until I tried to check out who had checked me out. Turns out this free dating site doesn’t let you do that. Well not unless you spend some money, and we aren’t talking pocket money peeps. Yep, turns out to actually make contact with anyone I am going to have to pay. This discovery did not make me a particularly happy bunny. To be honest, had I know I had to pay I would have signed up with a completely different site.  At this point I felt a little pissed off and can’t help but feel it would have been more use (and probably cheaper) for me to have made a sign made “single and desperate” and just taken to wearing it whenever I am out of the house. Perhaps I could even get a bell to ring…

In hindsight, this may have been the moment I should have put down the phone and walked away from the list of top matches random guys. However, I decided that this was not right and so I decided to just press every button and see if I could actually do anything. Turns out I could. I could wink at people. So I did. I winked at a couple of guys. This spurred me on to try other things. Turns out I may be able to send messages too, but not messages messages this conversation type thing. However turns out you can only send one of those, well at least I can only send one and I wasted it. I think I sent a witty, cute and endearing message to a guy who isn’t my usual type but has an interesting job however the guy in question may think I’m a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Only time will tell.

I wish I could say that’s the worst thing that I did. However there was one bloke who’s profile I may have viewed a couple of times and during one of those times I accidentally favourite it. Again, this is a feature that I didn’t know existed until I missed the scroll button and got a “profile favourite” message on my screen. I panicked slightly and hit the button to undo the favouriting, but then I worried about what this guy would think if I unfavourited his profile so I went to undo the undoing and refavourited it. All I can say is I hope this guy only gets on “a crazy woman looked at your profile, run like the wind” type message and not about a million messages because I imagine they would go a little something like this:

“X looked at your profile”

“X looked at your profile again”

“X has learnt how to wink and so winked at you”

“X saw someone elses profile who did not approve of winks and so decided to try and send you a message, but couldn’t figure out how to do that”

“X favourite your profile”

“X unfavourited your profile”

“X favourited your profile for the second time in as many minutes!”

“X looked at your profile and this time also checked out your pictures, because she decided if you were a favourite profile she should at least read your profile fully”

“X has abandoned online dating all together and is now looking into adopting a cat. We worry about the future of the cat!!!”

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