I had a lovely weekend. My little house was filled with family and despite everything we had great fun, we camped out on anything we could find (i haven’t built any beds yet) and Sundays afternoon group activity was shed building (under the watchful eyes of my neighbour, who stood outside and advised us the entire time!).
I loved it.
I loved playing the ‘host’, I loved looking after everyone and to begin with I even loved standing and waving as the drive off. I went back into my little house, and flaked out on the settee. I relished being on my own. I could watch crappy tv, not put my mug away and have a really unhealthy tea. For the first few hours I was happy and contented just being on my own.
Then I started to think. For various reasons I have no plans for this week, just lots of nights by myself in front of the tv. At first I thought a week off would do me good. I could relax, chill out, veg and just spend sometime by myself. But then I realised this time it’s different. This time it’s for the foreseeable future.
When I was living with the ex I didn’t mind when he was away with work. Despite missing him while I was away, I loved that I could eat food he didn’t like, watch crappy tv which he didn’t enjoy, sneak the dog into the bedroom to snooze with me on the bed, I vegged out, relaxed and just valued having some me time (with the dog obviously!). But this time there is no end to the tunnel. When I’m feeling lonely I can’ t think ‘oh well it’s only 4 more days’ because it isn’t. Yes, I will go and stay with family and friends, and they will come and stay with me. But I am going to be by myself a whole lot.
I’m worried about this. I’m worried that the lazy me will raise her head. You know the one that doesn’t clean the bathroom twice in one day or pull out the settee to hoover behind it (yep I didn’t both of those things!) Part of my is worried that if I get used to lazing in my Pjs and slobbing I won’t get out of the habit. I am worried about how I am going to spend my time once the DIY is finished.
At the moment I am trying not to dwell on it. I forced myself to turn out the tv and go for a walk by myself – not great fun alone, but it was half an hour killed. Tonight I have counselling and tomorrow I need to hit the shops, Wednesday I have BD and Thursday I have a singing lesson and so that’s another week written off.
But I don’t want to live to write off the week, scrolling through the days, clock watching. I did that once before when I was being bullied and I swore to myself never again. When I was with the ex I enjoyed every day. I was truly living in the moment and every day was filled with new possibilities.
I’m not quite sure what living by myself is going to look like, but at the moment I have very mixed feelings about it.