I am not very good in the dark. It is one of the more practical things I miss about the ex. Having him there meant that I wasn’t alone in an evening, and due to his side of the bed being closest to the door, I was aware if anyone broke in in the middle of the night they would have to get through/over/round him (regardless of whether or not he was actually awake) before they could get to me. I even had a plan. As they came in the bedroom door I would make my exit out of the window. I would shimmy down the drain pipe before finding BD and taking him somewhere self before either waking neighbours or calling the police.
Ok, to be honest it probably wouldn’t be in any way that refined. The venetian blinds in the bedroom hated me and I could never get the bloody things open. So while the ex did his night in shining armour bit and fought for my dignity I would have been tugging on the blinds like a crazy woman, calling them every name under the sun and then have to wait for a break in the fight so that he could open the blinds for me.
Once I had overcome that hurdle, the next would have been my fear of heights. I don’t know if even the motivation of a burglar bursting into the bedroom would have got me out on the windowsill. But that didn’t matter, I had a plan!
Now there is just me. No warning bark from BD. No ex to get defend my honour. Just me.
Add to that my over-reactive imagination and it’s a wonder I’m not a gibbering wreck every evening when the sun starts to go down. I lie, I so am. Last night I walked past my kitchen windows trying very hard not to look out into the garden (I still don’t have any blinds!) then worrying that because I hadn’t looked I hadn’t seen the person hiding in the garden so forced myself to look anyway!
My stomach lurches every time I hear a noise.
Then last night as I lay in bed I heard the unmistakable sound of a door slowly opening, followed by the sound of someone climbing up the stairs.
I lay there afraid to move. I lay there afraid to breath.
The rational side of me told myself “the walls are thin, it’s just the neighbours. And if it isn’t the neighbours all I have to do is scream”.
However,I still couldn’t help but look around my room to decide what would be my weapon when the time came to defend myself…….
I had a TV remote……
I had a hair brush……
I had a cuddly toy……