You guys have given me a kick up the ass!

My wobble had me self-wallowing. I was back in the woe is me camp, do I want me ex back, how could he leave train of thought and then I opened my blog and saw your comments. I have to admit to the comments not being the comments I wanted. I wanted you all to join me in telling anyone who would listen that I couldn’t possibly let Bd go, that I could get over the ex and keep having Bd in my life, with a few verses of he’s an idiot thrown in for good measure.

You see I had thought being animal lovers you would all side with me about not letting go of Bd. That you would support me in the ‘woe is me’ pity party I am throwing for myself. Hell, I hoped some of you would even provide food and drink.

However you didn’t. You were completely honest and forced me to admit that if I want to keep Bd in my life I am going to have to prove people wrong. I have to stand firm, against the crowd in my belief that I can do this and this has given me a very hard kick up the ass.

I am going to have to focus on myself. Stop negative trains of thoughts that have me yearning for the past before they take hold. If I want to keep Bd, I am going to have to fight hard to prove you all wrong. To prove that it is capable…

And now I have something to fight for. Something to be strong about. When the negative thoughts come I can stop them knowing that if I don’t I will have to loose Bd or face alienating people; you are all so lovely, but I know the day will come when you will get sick of offering advice and me not taking it! I know I would.

So I want to say thank you. Thank you for not being my chorus of ‘yes men’ thank you for being honest with me, and thank you for helping me find an inner strength.

I’ll keep you posted on how I get on ;0)

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A little wobble.

Last night I had a phone date, and it was brilliant. For 43 minutes we sat and chatted, and Bd squeaked his plastic rhino (at least I know the guy loves dogs!) The conversation flowed, to some slightly weird places, but it had the desired effect. There was no time to ponder answers, as you can with texts; we just chatted away and now we both feel confident that if we had a date we would at least have fun.

Then we hung up.

And it was back to the waiting game. Whose job was it to contact first. I had made the phone call, so shouldn’t he be the one to contact me first? Or was he waiting for me to text? Would we both not contact each other cause we were waiting for the other one too?

And this is where I wobbled.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be back here. Back analysis everything, worrying about everything… “what it meant that it had taken him 2 hours to reply to a text… but he’s put on a kiss so that’s good…. Should I send back a kiss… or is that too keen… but then I like him….why not up the ante and put two….don’t be silly far too soon, no kisses play hard to get….I can’t reply yet it’s only been 5 minutes…message sent, he’s responded straight away…. Is that too keen…”

I decided sod it, and I contacted him first. He responded saying he had enjoyed talking to me, would like to keep in contact, perhaps meet in person… but that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants as he himself is just out of a long relationship and so wanted to give me the heads up so he’s not stringing me along.

Second wobble.

Whereas I appreciate this guys honesty, and know I am in no rush myself to jump into anything new. The thought of him being hesitant made me hesitant and my wobble grew.

I don’t want to be back here. I had done the dating thing. I was ready to settle and start that next stage of my life.

And now I am back here, but I am battered and bruised. I no longer trust myself to know who the one is and who isn’t, who’s worth fighting for and who isn’t.

It makes me want to bury my head in the sand and go back.

A step in the right direction.

I am in a very good place right now. I spent Valentines weekend alone with only Bd and Poppy for company, and the crappy Tv and long walks (and cuddles, there were so many cuddles) really gave me some time to think and work through some stuff.

I spent an entire weekend just focused on me. I had lovely food (which is something I don’t often treat myself to while the budget is still tight), a few glasses of wine and a lovely long semi-relaxing bubble bath; which would have been more relaxing had Bd not spent the entire time worrying I was either going to drown or put him into the bath. I do love that dog so much!

However, the best bit of news was me realising that I am ready to start dating again. My motivation has changed and it is no longer about proving to everyone I have moved on, or even a desperate hope to find someone. It is just something I will do when I find someone who I want to get to know better. If it goes somewhere great, if it doesn’t well it doesn’t.

And this new outlook had me a little excited.

I have a few dates coming up and I am really looking forward to them, in a way I wasn’t with the previous dates I have been on. Tonight, I have a phone date with a guy and I have to admit that it was the only thing on my mind this morning when I was walking Bd. In the past (as much as I try to stay very much in the moment) my mind wanders on walks and I end up thinking about things, “how could he lie, should I still see Bd, when did it all turn to b*llocks…” but on todays walk I couldn’t help but think about tonights phone date, “will we get on, what is his accent like, will it go well, could this be the start of the next chapter…”

Although it may not sound like much, day dreaming about a future that doesn’t involve him turning up and saying letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life is actually huge. Having butterflies about tonights phone call, well that’s pretty awesome!

Not feeling.

I thought that was where I had to get. To the point where I felt nothing, some sort of utopia whereby his actions didn’t hurt, where I celebrated the fact I was single and didn’t care that I had no one in my life. I thought I would be ok when I had reached this state of zen. Then the boyfriend who doesn’t appear until you don’t want him (makes him sound a bit like Nanny McPhee) would appear, the ex would be a distant memory and I would have my happy ever after, my house, children, love… and all I had to do to achieve it was to not feel anything.

This weekend, on one of many lovely long walks with Bd I realised this was rubbish.

Finding out the ex may have gotten married in Vegas (he hasn’t) hurt me. There were tears. However, my reaction to the tears made everything worse. I got myself so worked up that I was upset looking for a deeper meaning. I thought tears meant I wasn’t over him and I thought not being over him meant I couldn’t start a new relationship and so I would be alone forever… Yes sometimes I do get carried away.

However, half way up a hill with Bd I had a lightening moment and realised to feel was human. To feel was good for me. Feeling upset didn’t mean I was still in love with him; more I trusted him and he betrayed that trust and I am still hurting from that. The idea of his getting married in Vegas on Valentine’s day hurt, but it had very little to do with the idea of him being married. It was more the fact he could commit to ‘her’ after such a short time, whereas 4 years in he still couldn’t commit to me. It was the fact he was a better boyfriend to her. Despite knowing I wouldn’t want a Valentine’s day wedding in Vegas, gift wrapped and given. Thinking that he thought enough to organise a Valentines wedding, in Vegas with friends and family for her somehow made me feel less worthy. I felt it took away from what we had. I know and completely get that there are different kinds of love, but the idea of him loving her more, of her been more worth the effort, of him not being the often grumpy, sometimes shitty boyfriend to her… it was that that hurt. Also it was another realisation of just how full of shit he is, hurt. The fact that I don’t know when his words became lies. It was that stuff that mattered, that which hurt, that brought the tears. Not him. Not his wedding.

The tears also yet again made me worry I would never be ready to move on. Having been broke up with because “the relationship happened too soon, before I had time to progress all those feelings” I am terrified of doing that to someone else. So I was looking for some magical sign that I have moved on before even venturing onto something new.

I was also working hard to reach a point where I didn’t want another relationship. Everyone always says they happen when you least want one and so I had somehow convinced myself that wanting a relationship meant I wasn’t happy being single and so I would potentially end up alone. So I have been working hard on not missing him and not wanting anyone. However, the same lightning strike made me realise that wanting a new relationship doesn’t mean I am unhappy being single. It just means that one day I want to be in love again, with all that entails. It has made me realise, possibly for the first time, that I am ready to move on…And that has me very excited!

Is honesty the best policy?

Men are asses and just when I start to waver in this opinion one comes along to prove to me right. I know I am partly to blame, at least with this original ass but still. (yes, I can see the hypocrite in me, but it’s my blog so I will rant if I want to)

Edward has organised a date with someone else. That fact bothers me more than it should, but it’s not the fact he has organised another date that has bugged me, it is the manner in which he has done it.

After our last date I was a little disappointed. The guy I met in person bared very little similarities to the guy I had fallen for online. (Yes, fallen for… I know) and it made me doubt if I had just gotten carried away with not being alone.

We openly, and I honestly, discussed our feelings and I admitted to wanting to see him again. But that I didn’t know if I was ready to be exclusive.

I then went on a girl’s night out and a met a guy, who turned out to be a complete ass, but none the less there were fireworks and a little bit of me resented Edward because I felt it would be unfair to act on these feelings while we still hadn’t fully defined what we are.

Another long phone call later and Edward and I had decided that we would continue to go on dates (rather than just meet up as friends) but that we were both free to do what we want. The only promise being made was that we would be upfront and honest. I didn’t want to be sat at home thinking he was pinning for me, when in actual fact he was out pulling anything with a pulse.

So we both continued to chat to each other, we planned a second date (which I had to cancel twice cause I’m still not well) and we both continued to chat to whomever we met online.

I have since met a few guys who I am interested in enough to swap numbers and potentially meet in person. None of these guys are perfect, but I have a ‘what the hell’ attitude; a drink and a bit of conversation (hopefully) never hurt anyone. I considered telling Edward about these guys, but until there was a potential date in the pipeline I didn’t really see the point.

The today I was asked out by one of them, and I said yes.

I have a date with Edward planned for tonight and I wanted to tell him before seeing him. His response was to tell me he had been asked out by someone too. I was a bit upset he hadn’t told me, as we had agreed to be honest, and it did make me wonder if he was quite the honest open guy he seems. But he then went on to tell me he had turned her down.

Then a few minutes later I got an “I’ve organised a date with someone else too” message. And I have got to say I am a little disappointed. It feels like this date is somehow this date is a revenge date, going ahead purely because I am seeing someone else. I don’t want that. If he meets someone who is interested in and wants to meet up fine, but I don’t want him dating someone purely because I am. That gives me the impression that despite saying he was fine with me taking time to figure my shit out he in fact isn’t, which means I need to decide to commit or walk away, and if he is forcing me into that decision then I will walk away.

I am not sleeping with all these people. I am not even kissing all these people. I am just getting out there and meeting people. I tried to be open and honest. If and when the time comes I will be open and honest with the next guy.

I have to be selfish. I have to put me first.

As I said the other day, I am over the ex and I do not want to go back there. But I am not over what he did to me. The promises that he broke and the notion that by moving on I am accepting that love does not concur all. It is going to take me time to heal. The problem is if I lead with absolute honest, but the guys I talk to don’t. How do I move forwards without running the risk of hurting someone?

Does #onlinedating raise your standards?

I think in my unwillingness to ‘settle’, my concerns about getting hurt again and the smallest part of me that is still unwilling to give up on the idea that love conquers all, has led me to raise my already high standards and I am very aware that they are now at such a level no mortal may be able to reach them.

The vast majority of my previous relationships have been a result of a drunken meet up. Our eyes would meet from across the bar/pub/club and the night would end with a drunken kiss and number swap. We would then text for a few days before agreeing to meet up on our first date. Although none of these dates lead to any great romances, or even long term relationships, I got to know the guy slowly over a period of time.His ‘faults’ weren’t obvious right at the beginning of a relationship and so I was willing to give it a try and see what happens.

However, now that I am doing the online thing the first impression is a ‘profile’ which all the ‘faults’ are very obvious to see, meaning I can prejudge and walk away. I stop something even before it has started…

Separated/Divorced – red flag. My ex was separated and had never gotten over the split, not putting myself through that again. Plus when I am stood there saying “till death do us part” I don’t want to know that he has made that very promise to another woman how do I know he means it this time?

Has a child – no thanks. I want the first time I go through pregnancy, child birth, bringing home a baby to be with some who is as shit scared as I am. I don’t want him to have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

And when you factor in the fact that I have paid money to potentially meet someone, I am putting even more weight on the ‘not settling’ after all I am officially in the market shopping, and I would hate to go home with something that isn’t quite me. I hate taking an ill fitting dress back to the shop, I wouldn’t even know where I start returning a guy!

So despite trying not to I am prejudging and leaving on the shelve some potentially great guys. Guys who I may not have dated long term had we met in real life first, but guys who I would have at least let buy me a drink.

 

Introducing Edward

Now I am going to start this post by pointing out I am a little poorly, sick, dead dying and this post is been written through a haze of lemsip, cough medicines and hallsoothers. If there are grammatical errors, or it just doesn’t make any sense… well I guess you won’t really notice a difference! 

I’ve met someone. Well I have sort of met someone… come on this is me, you didn’t expect it to be a straight forward story did you?

Edward has been in my life since Christmas day. He contacted me and I was having a ‘what’s the worse that can happen’ moment and so responded without looking at his online profile. I didn’t expect it to go anywhere. I didn’t expect him to be any different to the tens of other men who I have met online, and who after a little standard back and forth vanishes never to be heard from again.

Only he is.

From a few messages in it became obvious that there was something special about him. I found myself opening up to him in a way I have never opened up to anyone. We talk all day, every day. I look forward to hearing from him, and when I can’t text him there is a little part of me desperate to get back to my phone to see if I have heard from him.

We had our first date last week.

Leading up to the date we had both been very realistic. We both admitted that despite how well we got on, there had to be some sort of spark, an attraction. For the first time in years I had excited butterflies when I stepped out of the car to meet him… and then all my dreams came crashing down around me.

He didn’t look like his photo. There wasn’t a spark.

To be completely honest, I am gutted. I think he would be good for me. I think we will be good together. But this lack of a physical spark has me worried. Am I settling, if I over look the fact there is no physical attraction but go for a great guy? Or for once do I decide that looks aren’t important and go for someone who seems unlikely to hurt me but always wonder what if?

He seems pretty ‘on it’ and has a couple of times asked if we would be better suited as friends, but I don’t want to put him into that box just yet. However, I can’t help but wonder if I am holding off on the inevitable?!

We are going to have a second date. I haven’t made any decisions yet. But I do wish, for once, I could have caught a break and I could have just felt….something!

He can’t hurt me anymore.

I don’t know when it happened, whether it was the date with the tiny man or whether finding out that he crawled into her bed mere months after climbing out of mine. (Yes I may have gone back there after we broke up) I think that was his greatest betrayal…

But suddenly I am in a much better place. I don’t care if he is playing games to see me, or if he isn’t. His life no longer affects mine and he can do whatever he wants.

A very wise friend once told me “we need to make sure we have so much fun being single, a guy is going to have to work very hard to convince us we want to commit.” At the time I laughed, but actually now I feel very much in this place. There are a few guys, who I am chatting to online, but I don’t see it going anywhere and for the first time in a long time, this doesn’t bother me.

First Date

Well I did it. I’m officially heading out on my first online date, and I don’t think I could have picked a bigger idiot. Last night he changed his mind and decided he didn’t think meeting up was a good idea.

For some reason I decided to persuade him otherwise and so I’m currently sat, freezing cold, on a train on the way to… Well God alone knows!

I suppose I can’t fully blame him for me being cold. With him blowing hot and cold I decided not to look into train or bus time tables. So unable to find the right bus stop I gave up and headed to the train station where I spent 30 minutes sat in the cold waiting for a delayed train.

I think I have butterflies, but I don’t really know. There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don’t know what it is, fear, apprehension, a little excitement. Although I’m scared for there to be too much, I’m scared to get hurt again.

I don’t fully know what I’m doing here. I feel like a failure for not being able to meet someone the traditional way. Do I honestly want to meet someone yet? I don’t know. My opinions on being alone change more often than I change my socks. One day I feel alone isn’t so bad, I’ll survive a life alone. Next day and you can find me close to tears because I just want someone special.

I feel this is a ramble, at least it’s killed the best part of a train journey where I’ve forgotten my book and iPod.

Trains pulling into the station now, so here I go. Wish me luck!