Men are asses and just when I start to waver in this opinion one comes along to prove to me right. I know I am partly to blame, at least with this original ass but still. (yes, I can see the hypocrite in me, but it’s my blog so I will rant if I want to)
Edward has organised a date with someone else. That fact bothers me more than it should, but it’s not the fact he has organised another date that has bugged me, it is the manner in which he has done it.
After our last date I was a little disappointed. The guy I met in person bared very little similarities to the guy I had fallen for online. (Yes, fallen for… I know) and it made me doubt if I had just gotten carried away with not being alone.
We openly, and I honestly, discussed our feelings and I admitted to wanting to see him again. But that I didn’t know if I was ready to be exclusive.
I then went on a girl’s night out and a met a guy, who turned out to be a complete ass, but none the less there were fireworks and a little bit of me resented Edward because I felt it would be unfair to act on these feelings while we still hadn’t fully defined what we are.
Another long phone call later and Edward and I had decided that we would continue to go on dates (rather than just meet up as friends) but that we were both free to do what we want. The only promise being made was that we would be upfront and honest. I didn’t want to be sat at home thinking he was pinning for me, when in actual fact he was out pulling anything with a pulse.
So we both continued to chat to each other, we planned a second date (which I had to cancel twice cause I’m still not well) and we both continued to chat to whomever we met online.
I have since met a few guys who I am interested in enough to swap numbers and potentially meet in person. None of these guys are perfect, but I have a ‘what the hell’ attitude; a drink and a bit of conversation (hopefully) never hurt anyone. I considered telling Edward about these guys, but until there was a potential date in the pipeline I didn’t really see the point.
The today I was asked out by one of them, and I said yes.
I have a date with Edward planned for tonight and I wanted to tell him before seeing him. His response was to tell me he had been asked out by someone too. I was a bit upset he hadn’t told me, as we had agreed to be honest, and it did make me wonder if he was quite the honest open guy he seems. But he then went on to tell me he had turned her down.
Then a few minutes later I got an “I’ve organised a date with someone else too” message. And I have got to say I am a little disappointed. It feels like this date is somehow this date is a revenge date, going ahead purely because I am seeing someone else. I don’t want that. If he meets someone who is interested in and wants to meet up fine, but I don’t want him dating someone purely because I am. That gives me the impression that despite saying he was fine with me taking time to figure my shit out he in fact isn’t, which means I need to decide to commit or walk away, and if he is forcing me into that decision then I will walk away.
I am not sleeping with all these people. I am not even kissing all these people. I am just getting out there and meeting people. I tried to be open and honest. If and when the time comes I will be open and honest with the next guy.
I have to be selfish. I have to put me first.
As I said the other day, I am over the ex and I do not want to go back there. But I am not over what he did to me. The promises that he broke and the notion that by moving on I am accepting that love does not concur all. It is going to take me time to heal. The problem is if I lead with absolute honest, but the guys I talk to don’t. How do I move forwards without running the risk of hurting someone?