Poorly, sick, dead, dying

I’m ill and all I want to do is text him and tell him I feel like shit, have him make me a hot lemonade and just make it all better the way he used to. Only I can’t, he can’t. He made his decision and now I have to pick up the pieces and move on. Only every time I think I’m getting somewhere life seems to find a way of knocking me back. Its happened twice this week already, the first time was dropping my friend at the station after a girlie weekend together. I had a lightening bolt moment and realised for the last few years I haven’t felt sad that something is over. I’ve been sorry to say goodbye, I missed having a date in the diary to meet up with a close friend who lives miles away, but when push came to shove and we’d said goodbye I’d remember I would be seeing him again and suddenly I’d be excited. Looking forward to telling him all about my adventure. Catching up on what we’d both missed in each others lives over those few days.

Ironically, I really thought I was starting to move on. I’ve even got a couple of dates in the pipeline (two dates, same guy). This new guy seems sweet, after initial.impressions where he just comes across as a major ass. But there is potential. Obviously, this is me so I’ve been analysing whether I’m in the right place for this, what this could mean etc. but I thought sod it, have fun, go with the flow. However today with every text he sends I wish he was my ex, and I’m worried I’m leading him on which I don’t wanna do. I have been honest with him, I thought that was only fair.

At times like this I would give my right arm to hate my ex, but I don’t. At times like this it becomes blatantly more obvious I’m still in love with him.

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