I understand… (warning this contains bad language!)

I tell you what if he claims to ‘understand’ one more time I swear to God I’m going to hit him. He doesn’t understand, he has no f*cking idea. Every time I have been upset, or dared to be ‘arsey’ with him he has threatened with taking BD from me, so he has had a low stress, very civil break up while I have had my heart ripped out my chest and am still reeling  from the blow.

He lied.

He never existed.

It was bollocks.

He promised he wouldn’t date anyone after me; “If I can’t make it work with you, I am better off alone” and although I didn’t want him to be alone I wanted him to wait more than 3 f*cking months before moving someone else into my bed. (ok, I don’t know the exact time scale but in theory it could have been that close he won’t tell me exactly how long which suggests this wasn’t last week)

When I found out he had moved on I felt like the world should stop spinning. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I threw some clothes into a bag and just walked out my front door. I had to get away. I cried uncontrollably for 2 days. I couldn’t sleep; I didn’t want to eat. I just felt numb. The last few months he had been so chatty, turning up at my house, hanging around at his to see me when there was no need – I couldn’t help buy hope…

All that time he was with her.

He called me ‘dear’ or ‘love’ (I can’t remember which but had asked him not to refer to me as either) in a phone call after BD had been attacked – while he was with her!!!! F*cker

He doesn’t have a f*cking clue. I still miss him. I still love him. I don’t want to, I know he doesn’t deserve it and I know I deserve so much better yet every evening for over a year I have wanted him to turn up on my doorstep, to beg me to take him back. Every time my phone goes, I long for it to be a message from him.

I don’t want to feel like this. I am still in counselling to try and stop me feeling like this… yet I still want him back.

So today I realised I have to find a way to cut him out of my life, but still (if at all possible) still hang on to BD, so I suggested a simple routine:

  • He feeds BD on a morning unless he is unable to in which case he tells me the night before.

Now to me that seems pretty simple. However, suddenly he is arguing that he still needs to contact me once a week to discuss the ‘evening routine’. The evening routine has been the same since we split up, but suddenly now he needs to discuss this with me on a weekly basis. WTF?

I pointed out to him I was trying to come up with a way that I didn’t have to talk to him on a weekly basis and he said he “understood” but that he feels he needs to text me at least once a week to discuss the evening plan….

F*cker

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6 thoughts on “I understand… (warning this contains bad language!)

  1. I’m glad you’re using bad language. It’s entirely appropriate.

    I’m usually a peacemaker. I don’t like to toss fuel on the flames. But you ex is pissing me off. Why? Because he reminds me of the abusive ex of a very close friend.

    He told her to move out (after 20 years together) but he’d keep calling or dropping stuff off at her office–while dating someone else.

    It’s a controlling asshole move. It’s the way he keeps himself feeling better because he’s keeping you in his orbit while he does whatever the heck he wants.

    You’re right to be angry. And hopefully the anger will chase away some of the pain. Because from thousands of miles away without even meeting the guy, I can tell you he’s acting like a jerk.

    Okay, off goes my pissy hat and back to my live-and-let-live hat.

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