I’m not counting, but….

One of my oldest friends got engaged to her long term boyfriend on Valentines Day. I am so pleased for her. They have been together for what feels like forever, they are definitely into double figures, and I was a little worried that he would never ‘pop the question’ but he did and I am so so thrilled.

But I have 6 close female friends. Three of them walked down the isle last year, one of them moved agreed to move in with her fella, this one has now gotten engaged and with each brilliant piece of news. As I beam at their obvious happiness, I remember that he didn’t want to marry me. I remember that he married someone else, but didn’t love me enough to marry me. It used to be ok, I understood he was once bitten twice shy, and we have a commitment and wanted a life together and I was genuinely alright with that. Yes, a tiny part of me lived in hope, but I wasn’t throwing away something so amazing over something so trivial.

However, now I am single. I feel like a failure and have never been further from my ‘happily ever after’. I still want him back. Despite everything I pray that we can find a way to make it work, that in a couple of years we will be living together, back in our house. But i don’t know. I don’t know if he’ll ever step up, and I honestly don’t know if I will find someone I am as happy with. I will look. I will try, but who knows what the future holds!

I am so happy that their lives are working for them, and that they are so happy. But I am beyond jealous!

Although I am not totally alone, I do have my newly single friend, who is going through very similar issues as I am. She is the one I reached out to on the receiving of the ‘great news’ and was the one to put a smile on my face when with her one worded response to my text “fool!”

8 thoughts on “I’m not counting, but….

  1. You will find someone, it takes time but all the time you are hanging on for him, your making it harder on yourself. You will never be able to move on. Big Hugs xxoxx

    Mollie and Alfie

      • You gotta wake up girl, he ain’t never gonna step up. My heart breaks, because I want to make it better for you..I can’t,only you can xxoxxxx

      • I know. But it’s scary – he loves me, of that I have no doubt!! For someone to love me and walk away… what does that mean for next time? Will the next one love me until I get on his nerves and then walk away??!!

  2. It isn’t easy to let go and move on, but I think it’s the idea of him as much as the real him that you’re clinging to. When you’re feeling lonely it does feel as though the world is neatly paired off, but it’s far from the truth.

  3. It’s normal to be bitter-sweet about your friends’ situations. Happy yet envious. Clowie has some wise words… “but I think it’s the idea of him as much as the real him that you’re clinging to.” Hang in there! ♥

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