So I have been trying to think of what to write today and I have no idea. For a while I was doing really well and the last few days have been pre-loaded giving me chance to spend my time catching up on other peoples blogs. But now the ideas have run out and I am yet again suffering from writers block, with a blank screen and no idea what I am going to put on it.
Part of the problem is him. I am trying so so hard to move on with my life. But this dull ache and ability to cry buckets of tears while sat anywhere in front of anyone doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It seems to be that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is getting truer by the minute, at least for me, and I am now almost at the point of dropping the pretence of “if he came back I don’t know if I want him back or not”. The truth is that’s bull. I still want him, I still love him. I want to sit down, talk through our problems and see if we can figure out a way forwards together. I want my old life back. I want to stop crying myself to sleep and ending my day with the same pray “please God, he has to see sense and come back to me!”.
Work is a bit of a pain. The truth of the matter is that I took my current job for one reason and one reason alone. It was close to where he worked and I hoped that it would lead to us living together. The good news is that it did (he wasn’t supposed to kick me out, that wasn’t in the plan!) but now I am stuck in a job that has days of brilliance but an awful lot of shit days.
My mortgage providers seem to be doing a brilliant job at cocking stuff up – really helps build confidence. They have sent me at least 4 incorrect letters in relation to my mortgage and I haven’t even gotten one yet. Meanwhile I am awaiting reports on the house and so I am stuck. I’m afraid to look forward to it too much – I don’t know what I will do if this falls through, it is about the only thing holding me together. By the day I am becoming more settled being back with my folks and I am worried that way things are going I will be living with them for the rest of my life.
And I have realised that some great friends who helped me through my break-up may not have been the great friends I thought they were and I feel very alone.
When I’m not over come with the ache of loss, I am enjoying the crippling fear about moving on, or going back or just generally facing another day.
On the positive at least it has given me enough content for today. Join me tomorrow for another feel good session!