God, the universe or some other ass is working against me! Every time I make a stand and say that’s it, I’m moving on. Something happens to make me doubt that I will ever feel normal again. Something happens to make me think maybe the universe doesn’t want me to give up on him quite yet – yes I know!! :0)
Last night, I was in a late meeting for work at a local big city. The big city in question is one that always makes me think of him. I visited it before there was a him, but very rarely and then only the main shopping bit. As he lived close by we explored it together. Venturing away from the shops I discovered architecture, scenic walks, tourist locations that I had never taken the time to visit, a whole new side to what I had assumed was a grey and dismal place. Whilst with him I did venture into the city occasionally without him to meet friends for dinner or shop, but I even walking around with them I would always remember my times with him. Even now I can’t walk through the centre without remembering with a smile the ‘proper mans’ pub he introduced me to where he ordered half a cider shandy from the tattooed hells angle behind (which I would not have ordered had he not point blank refused to order me a dry martini and lemonade!) And after all these girlie sessions I would go back to him, he would drive in to collect me or I would get a train to his. This town is our town.
Driving into the town had me thinking all about him and our good times; the place we spotted the prostitutes, the car garage we played mini punch in front of. I was already fighting the need to text him when I came out of the meeting (and so ended up texting half my phone book instead!). The meeting had over run by half an hour, it was pitch black, pissing it down and I hadn’t had any tea. It was at this point my sat nav decided it didn’t want to play and having sat for half an hour with the ‘searching for a GPS’ message twirling in front of me I decided I was going to have to do it alone. The problem was I have only once driven from this city and not headed to his old house and I was on the wrong side of the city to the road I knew I needed to take to head home, I had no idea to get from where I was to where I needed to be to get home. The only place I knew how to get to was the station and from the station I only knew how to get to his. So I set off heading towards his old house assuming along the way I would see a sign for somewhere I knew and could follow that sign home. I didn’t.
So late last night I was driving in the rain past the restaurant we had one of our earliest dates, past the park that we used to walk BD in, past the spot where a simple comment he made confirmed to me that despite his numerous flaws I wanted to hang onto him and never let him go, past the spot that I stopped to sit down in when we tried our first run together, past the restaurant where he had fish and chips and I said I wasn’t hungry and proceeded to eat the lion share of his tea, past the airport that we had set off on so many holidays together….
Shouldn’t it have stopped hurting this much by now? Shouldn’t I be able to drive past these places without having to pull over because I can’t see through my tears? I was sobbing so hard I felt someone could rip out my heart and it would hurt less. Couldn’t I have had a few more days of feeling confident and pretending the ache in my stomach is just a bug?
On the positive I didn’t text him!
25castleson25clouds.wordpress.com 
I’m glad you resisted texting him. The bad news is that those reminders can come out of nowhere for a long time, but the good news is that they do get easier to cope with.
I hope so. They can’t get any harder!
The only thing worse than feeling bad is feeling bad about feeling bad. You wouldn’t tell a friend she should have shaken off the bad feelings by now, would you? I hope you’ll be at least as kind to yourself.
Anyway, good for you. You made it through.
unfortunately I am not as kind to myself as I should be – but I’m working on it!!
I hate to tell you this, but it will be hard for a little while longer yet. You really showed your strength when you didn’t text him. Way to go! 🙂
Thank you. Things fell apart slightly when he was very chatty when I went to get BD, but I am getting better – slowly! I will get better!
grief is an individual process and there is no right way or wrong way except in that it bothers you that you can’t move on. If you are posting this because you do not want to feel this way, then may I kindly suggest finding a grief counselor to talk with. If you are posting this to share that you are aware of your situation, and you just wanted to share your emotions *hugs* I totally get that..
Life does go on, while that loss never really leaves you, it becomes more of an old friend that you can chat with for a while and then move on to something new.
Thank you so much for your lovely comments, and stopping by! I am currently seeing a counsellor as a result of the issues I was left with after being bullied.
I am sharing because it helps to write, and when I ask for your advice I think it helps you guys if you know the whole story. (Plus I massively overshare as I worry about perceiving a situation wrong – again thanks to the mind games played by my old boss!)
I know I will get through this, I know I deserve better (not that I want anyone else right now!) Thank you for caring enough to comment, it means so much!!
(ok maybe you should remove the word grief from my last comment)
Actually when it first happened my counsellor agreed with you about the grief thing – it’s the loss of dreams, the loss of my life as it was in a way I was grieving.
see… this is what happens when you just read one post and don’t read any of the back story.. 🙂 You have a lovely writing style and are so wonderfully honest and forthright in your posts.. while I ache for you on the subject matter, I am enjoying reading the posts and getting to know you. Thank you for stopping by my blog and introducing myself (and if you feel the need not to publish the comments, I will oh so totally understand :D)
Wow thank you so much! Not for a moment did I even consider not publishing all of your comments as the fact you have bothered to care means so so much to me! I look forward to getting to know you better!! x