God, the universe or some other ass is working against me! Every time I make a stand and say that’s it, I’m moving on. Something happens to make me doubt that I will ever feel normal again. Something happens to make me think maybe the universe doesn’t want me to give up on him quite yet – yes I know!! :0)
Last night, I was in a late meeting for work at a local big city. The big city in question is one that always makes me think of him. I visited it before there was a him, but very rarely and then only the main shopping bit. As he lived close by we explored it together. Venturing away from the shops I discovered architecture, scenic walks, tourist locations that I had never taken the time to visit, a whole new side to what I had assumed was a grey and dismal place. Whilst with him I did venture into the city occasionally without him to meet friends for dinner or shop, but I even walking around with them I would always remember my times with him. Even now I can’t walk through the centre without remembering with a smile the ‘proper mans’ pub he introduced me to where he ordered half a cider shandy from the tattooed hells angle behind (which I would not have ordered had he not point blank refused to order me a dry martini and lemonade!) And after all these girlie sessions I would go back to him, he would drive in to collect me or I would get a train to his. This town is our town.
Driving into the town had me thinking all about him and our good times; the place we spotted the prostitutes, the car garage we played mini punch in front of. I was already fighting the need to text him when I came out of the meeting (and so ended up texting half my phone book instead!). The meeting had over run by half an hour, it was pitch black, pissing it down and I hadn’t had any tea. It was at this point my sat nav decided it didn’t want to play and having sat for half an hour with the ‘searching for a GPS’ message twirling in front of me I decided I was going to have to do it alone. The problem was I have only once driven from this city and not headed to his old house and I was on the wrong side of the city to the road I knew I needed to take to head home, I had no idea to get from where I was to where I needed to be to get home. The only place I knew how to get to was the station and from the station I only knew how to get to his. So I set off heading towards his old house assuming along the way I would see a sign for somewhere I knew and could follow that sign home. I didn’t.
So late last night I was driving in the rain past the restaurant we had one of our earliest dates, past the park that we used to walk BD in, past the spot where a simple comment he made confirmed to me that despite his numerous flaws I wanted to hang onto him and never let him go, past the spot that I stopped to sit down in when we tried our first run together, past the restaurant where he had fish and chips and I said I wasn’t hungry and proceeded to eat the lion share of his tea, past the airport that we had set off on so many holidays together….
Shouldn’t it have stopped hurting this much by now? Shouldn’t I be able to drive past these places without having to pull over because I can’t see through my tears? I was sobbing so hard I felt someone could rip out my heart and it would hurt less. Couldn’t I have had a few more days of feeling confident and pretending the ache in my stomach is just a bug?
On the positive I didn’t text him!