I can’t quite believe it but I have sort of begun the process of moving into my new house. I am both thrilled and terrified.
I never wanted to live alone and so this is going to be a challenge for me. I have always struggled with homesickness and I am very close to my parents. I have become settled into my new routine (which is something I didn’t want to happen) and another shake up, which leads to me being alone, is a big hurdle for me. I worry about being lonely, being a lone. I am perfectly contented being by myself, but I am scared that moving half and hour away from friends and family was a pretty stupid move.
I know friends will come visit, I know family will come and stay, I know I can easily manage the commute from friends or families houses to work, I’ve been doing it for the last few months, so I am trying to let go of the stress and play it by ear.
When I moved in with the ex I remember thinking ‘this is it’. I am never going to live with my parents again. Well we all know how well that worked out. I think sometimes by myself, or society putting expectations onto a person we make a situation worse for the people involved.
For example I struggled to cope with University. I missed my folks, many of my friends had taken a year out and so would be having nights out without me, I had started a new relationship and didn’t want to be ‘on the pull’ with the rest of my room mates and having had my drink spiked only a few months before I went I didn’t want to drink or be in a strange bar with people I didn’t know. I’ll admit the first year of Uni was pretty horrid, and I struggled to fit in with women so different from me. So I went home. Every weekend I would go home and drive back to Uni late Sunday night (usually in tears!). I felt like a failure. I wasn’t having the usual Uni experience and it made me feel worse. However, the important thing is that I kept going back, until I graduated with a 2.1 in Forensic Science (I am massively proud of that!)
It won’t surprise you to learn that my folks were amazing throughout this experience. But they had to put up with some comments from friends and family members who thought they were being to soft with me. Comments included ‘I shouldn’t have been allowed to come home’ that ‘all I needed was a little while longer and I’d have been over it’. That may have been true but there is as great a chance that I would have left, never to return, without my 2.1 in Forensic Science.
And so with this move I am doing it differently. I have a friend coming to stay with me this week and so I stop in my new house for a week until tonight on wards. I am yet to decide what will happen when my friend leaves.
My house still isn’t finished, I need to do more decorating, I need to install a kitchen but it is now habitable. I have packed clothes into a bag for the week and then I have decided I will see how I feel.
I am not putting any extra pressure on me or setting a deadline for when I need to be out. I am going to take each day as it comes. I know that slowly this will lead to me moving out and living alone. I don’t know when that will officially happen, it could be next week, it could be next month, hell it could be next year. For the first time I am going to try not to worry about it and just wait and see!