Never blog in Anger

I’m sure that’s one of the rules to blogging. Always make sure you have a clear head and are calm and relaxed so you don’t say something you will later regret, but I am afraid I have to vent and so…

Today I made a major step forwards in getting over some of my post bullied in the work place issues. I have been drowning under my work load for the last few months, which I may have previously mentioned, and today I decided to do something about it. I went to my boss and admitted I am not coping with my current work load and that I felt bad complaining as everyone else is in a very similar place but I am starting to let deadlines slip and I am worried that this will reflect badly on me and I will get into a downwards spiral resulting in unemployment – yep I always take any scenario to the worst degree!

The very helpful advice I received from my boss “perhaps you should start coming into work a couple of hours early”. I pointed out that I never leave on time and he admitted he had noticed this. But that was all the advice I was given.

WTF? Oh and because it is such a lovely place this place I call work he also pointed out that there is no overtime and would not be any overtime if I work even longer hours.

My long hours of work was a regular argument when I was living with OH and it would wind him up something chronic I would walk through the door an hour and a half after I finished work because I had ‘just stayed late to finish one more thing’ and so we couldn’t go on our dog walk, or have date night or anything else I had planned. This wasn’t a one of, every single night I would leave work late, and now it looks like I’m going to be coming in early too!

Such a drag!

OMG. I cannot get over how much this week has dragged. It is officially doing my nut and I am about ready to scream and rip all my clothes off. In fact I did accidentally tell me office I intended to remove all my clothes because I had enough of a label itching me – a few cups of teas spat over key boards at that moment I can tell you!!

I don’t know quite what is going on with me, but I know that the clock has been on half three for at least the last few hours and I am losing the will to live. What’s making it worse is that I seem to be unable to do anything – other than shock the office obviously!
Everything I am typing, I am making massive simple errors with and so I constantly going back, re-type, re-making errors…. I know some of you will assume that that is just my style, but seriously like grr!

It’s like my head and my body are somehow not connected. My hands will not do what I tell them and I just really want to scream!!
I have tried drinking cups of tea, I have tried drinking cups of coffee, I have tried eating chocolate, I have tried eating fruit nothing I can think of will make this feeling go away! I’m hoping blogging about it and sharing it with you will help – fingers crossed!

And just toshow you how bad it is this sentence is being published as typed, with glaring erroers and evetything. Infactitu will amose you to leanr I t that I have slowred down my typisbg speed and really convcentrated to get it this good! What the he;ll?

Not My Morning

I have a feeling I may have used this title before – it happens to me a lot! – I hope the entirety of wordpress doesn’t implode when I hit the publish button or am I just getting slightly carried away with the idea of my own importance? Anyway…

So this morning started off well enough, I had BD over night again and things were significantly better between him and Mity than last time (whoop!). Although they seem to have developed a fun new game which I’m not so keen on, but I will tell you about another time. My morning routine when I have BD is that I get up earlier take him for a walk and then leave him at the old house before I head to work. This morning started off pretty much as any other only with the added bonus that OH was collecting him from work so we could have a longer walk. I packed BD and his over night bag into the car and we set off to our walking spot. The walk is lovely and currently walking BD is one of the few times I am truly happy.

I was a little on edge as we started the morning walk, BD’s muzzle seemed to have not made it to my car (I stop en route to the old house to walk him.) But we never see any dogs and he is fine so long as the dogs don’t get into his personal space. So as I watched the two deer (with white bums – apparently that could be a clue as to their type?!) and BD had fun chasing squirrels – although he is less than impressed that they always seem to cheat and head up a tree! – I enjoyed the moment, the gorgeous pink sky and I began to relax – little did I know it was the last time I would feel relaxed for the next few hours.

For some reason my ball throwing skills were poorer than usually and so this morning was spent with BD giving me significantly more credit than I was due. He would race off to where he thought the ball would land, and the ball would land a few inches from my feet which lead to a very fun game of ‘who can find the ball first’. BD loved it and was running around like a loon with a big smile on his face, I must admit I was having fun too. Although the 5 minutes spent trying to find the ball whilst BD ran around ‘finding’ the ball with the ball firmly in his mouth could have been more productive especially as we had to do the return journey to my folks house to pick up the muzzle before I headed to work.

For the first time ever this morning as we were walking back to the car, as luck would have it on the narrow part of the walk. We came face to face with three dogs, on leads. Usually BD has a harness that he wears as he is a big welsh collie and stronger than me. This morning I had decided not to put on the harness as we were tight on time – we had to return to pick up the muzzle – and I wanted optimum walking time. Although BD is pretty good, I was slightly nervy when we saw this guy. Luckily the guy walking the dogs had some common sense and agreed to waiting while I headed to a wider part of the path and got BD out of the way for him to then walk past with his three. BD was amazing, he didn’t pull and his only reaction was to bite his tennis ball (which he was holding in his mouth, as he carries it back to the car) slightly firmer when one of the dogs had a little growl at him! Walk done, now to retrieve the muzzle.

One key thing to point out at this point is my petrol situation this morning was not the best. I had enough to get me to work but as I had taken the decision to spend the time I could have used filling up my tank, both last night and this morning, with BD I did not have enough petrol to drive to and from my parents house and then drive like a law abiding (obviously) maniac to work and so I was not surprised when I heard the warning ‘bong’ from my petrol light although I may have uttered another naughty word.

The only good thing about my new (significantly longer) commute is that usually I am going against the traffic and I head away from the town when I head into work. However this morning I sat with the hundreds of other commuters and crawled painstakingly slowly back to my folks house. I swore quietly under my breath as I realised I was cutting it fine to get to work on time. Turns out God is shit hot on car parking spaces, but his traffic management system needs some work – I was a few minutes late for work.

On arrival I was asked if I could pop to the local shop to collect the papers for the day. Unfortunately there is no way to get to the shop without going in your car (it is too far to walk) and as I was late I didn’t feel I could say no and so off I went telling myself “if it came to is pushing my car back from the shop would at least burn off a few calories”.

You will be pleased to hear the papers were collected without incident. When I got back into the office I delivered the papers and set about making myself a well earned coffee. I did the usually collection of my colleagues cups, went into the kitchen, picked up the instant coffee and threw it over the entire surface and floor. I swore loudly this time and burst into tears.

Mopping up the coffee I neglected to properly ring out the dishcloth and so I managed to stain the entire kitchen a lovely brown (which did eventually come off) colour before setting about making the drinks. I do this quite a lot, yet this morning I made every single drink wrong. I added sugar when it wasn’t needed, used the wrong milk (I have goats, they have cows) and the few that were made right…well they would have been right had they not been made in the wrong cups!

At 9.10 I finally sat down at my desk ready for my day to start!!

O and at 13:40 when I finally found time to eat my lunch (it has been a good but very busy day) I put my soup in the microwave for far too long and managed to evaporate off all the water so I had mush to eat!

not my morning

So last night I got to look after BD for the entire evening – it was lovely! I loved every second and it was so lovely to feel happy for the first time in a long time!!

This morning was brilliant as for the first time in weeks I woke up and wanted to get out of bed, I showered quickly and raced downstairs to say good morning to BD. I got all his stuff together (and my rain gear) and we headed out the door – this mornings walk was amazing, I loved every second of it. BD ran around with a massive smile on his face, which was mirrored by mine. He wasn’t very good at answering the questions as to “what has OH said about me” or “do you think I’m ever coming home” well I say he wasn’t good, the look on his face and the wagg in his tail reminded me to live in the moment (Pamela you would be proud!) and I did. For a brilliant 40 minutes I didn’t worry, I didn’t cry(much), I didn’t stress back and forward about where I am going to live, what’s going to happen, I was truly happy. I was wet through, with the rain dripping off my hood and I was happy!

Unfortunately this happiness could not last all day, and it ended pretty much as soon as we got to the car – BD started to shake and wouldn’t eat the biscuit I offered him when he finally got into the boot. I am a massive panicker and that nearly had me calling in sick and taking him to the nearest vet, but I saw sense and decided to give him some time and see what happened. So having safely put BD in the boot I peeled off my wet coat and waterproof trousers and flung my phone onto the passenger seat, where it promptly fell onto the floor between the door and the seat. My five minute search for the phone achieved nothing except making me slightly later than I wanted to be setting off for work.

On pulling out of the car park for the walk, and sitting stationary in traffic for 20 minutes I had reached full blown panic attack. I raced to work and arrived only a few minutes late. I fed BD who was staying in my boot until OH was picking him up, and grabbed my lunch from my very full passenger seat to discover that my vegetable soup had spilled out of the sealed container I had put it in, into the plastic bag, onto my handbag and the passenger seat of my car.

I swore (not for the first time) grabbed up my bag, lunch and water bottle and raced into the office, where on putting everything in my arms onto my desk I promptly poured the contents of the water bottle onto myself, my desk and what was left of my lunch.

And today started so well!

On the sick

So it turns out my overshare the other day may have something to do with the fact I am now officially ill. It all started about lunchtime Monday, when I thought I was getting set to have one of my really bad time of the months (yes I do seem to be talking about these a lot recently – I do apologise for the over sharing!)

I have Polycystic ovaries, some of the brilliant side effects include having bag skin, extra weight around my stomach and irregular periods. My periods have always being heavy, and just before I got to Uni they reached a point where I was passing out from the pain and unable to walk. This was happening almost monthly (typically the one time I was regular) and had me absolutely petrified about going away from home, and coping with this almost monthly occurrence. Long story short I went to the doctors, who were crap, the advice was take this pill which will make your spots worse, your periods vanish, and potentially increae your cancer risks but hey it is a form of contraception! At the time I wasn’t in a relationship, and as I am not the sort of who sleeps around or with lots of people I kinda had the not getting pregnant thing covered! I did not take the pills, and instead went to see a brilliant homeopath who gave me some brilliant tablets and for the last few years I have been having almost normal periods.

However slowly the pain of my periods came back, it started with minor aches, then full on cramps, and has progressed to me lying in the toilets where I work passed out from pain, throwing up, wishing I was dead. This has lead to me getting a full on panic every time I get even the slightest stomach ache and a potential overshare on here.

Being very late, I know when and if my next period comes, chances are it is going to be bad, very bad. However the stomach cramps and unbuttoning of trousers I had the other day were in fact due to me having got the nasty bug that is doing the rounds. I got home from work and went promptly to bed and slept through most of the night, excluding waking up every few hours to re-heat my wheaty and apply it to my stomach or occasionally braving moving it to another part of my aching body (head, hands, feet you name it!)

The highlight of the evening came at some point early Monday morning, when while going to heat up my wheaty I passed out and was found by OH burning up on the floor. Even now I am feeling sick, and have waves of nausea sweeping over me which are only interrupted by another dizzy spell. But here is the problem I took yesterday off work, but have gone back in today, despite still feeling ill I was worried that no-one would believe that I was ill and so couldn’t take two days off….

Is this just me or do other people worry?

and then I broke the car!!

Yep, I really am having one of those lives at the moment!!

This morning everything was going well (well as well as can be at the moment), I had set my alarm for an early start so I could take BD for a long walk before work and we enjoyed playing with sticks and learning some tricks in the field. I got home with almost enough time to cycled into work, and I did have good intentions, but by the time I had showered and packet everything I decided I was a little tight on time, and with everything that is going on I thought why add extra stress by racing to get to work, so I spent another few minutes cuddling BD.

As the clock struck 10 past 8 and it was time to head off to work, I grabbed my car keys, gave BD one last kiss and headed out the door, feeling relaxed and as close to happy as I get at the moment. I turned on my car, turned up the song on the radio and inched my car out of the drive…something didn’t feel right. I put my foot on the break, checked to ensure that I hadn’t left the hand break on, and tried again. Nope steering still very heavy… then I went for the age old trick of turning it on and off. That resulted in me being stuck in the middle of the road with a car that that wouldn’t re-start. Luckily for the moment I am still living with OH, so I was stuck in the middle of a very quiet long straight road.

I did what many of us would do in this situation and swore very loudly, can I have kudos for not breaking into tears? Tried again at turning it on, swore a little more and tried for a third time. Either third time really is the charm, or my car took pity on me and decided not to drive me to a full breakdown and started long enough for me to slowly heavy the car back onto the drive, take a picture of the warning light for identification of problem at a later date.

I jumped out of my car, not caring that I have left if sitting at a 90 degree angle across the drive, unlocked the house stole OH car keys and raced to work.

Turns out that this morning is the morning my power steering has decided to break.

Wonder what new joys tomorrow will bring me, actually my car will be in the garage tomorrow and I feel this won’t be cheap – I think I know what tomorrow is going to bring me, a very large bill!!

I’m going back

As previously hinted at, but generally skipped over, I have been bullied in the past. I am not talking about the bullying I had at school, which was name calling and the usual childhood stuff (whether or not that sentence is alright is the time for another post!)

When I came out of Uni I landed my dream job, I was making a difference in working my butt off every day, men in uniforms would often pop into my office and I loved it. However about 6 months in things started to go wrong, suddenly I was accused of making mistakes that I hadn’t made, being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, told I wasn’t working hard enough and told that no body liked me.

This lead to initially me skipping eating and drinking at work, as my first thought was if I can’t get through everything I need to then I can’t afford to take breaks, I was putting in longer hours, triple checking everything…… I used to dread going into work, I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, and one day while driving down the A1 I had the thought “if I just turn my wheel slightly I will hit the barrier and then maybe I can have a few weeks so!” believe it or not at no point did I realise I was being bullied, I thought it was me.

Another big thing was being told I didn’t fit in, this was done by my one ‘friend’ or so I thought, my male boss who had a daughter my age, this lead to me going out of my way to try and get people to like me, I baked cakes, I made tea and coffee and panicked constantly, if I stopped to take a break and get to know people then my work won’t be done, but if I don’t they won’t like me. I was a mess.

The thing that really did my head in was that every one was being so lovely to my face, they even all came out for my birthday lunch (which I spent months freaking out about holding, but it was an office tradition) but on a near daily basis my boss was telling me no one liked me, they talked about me behind my back, I was letting them down…!

Finally I could take it no more, and I went to the union who told me that they thought I was being bullied, not that I was shit at my job. I broke down, I was relieved, upset, emotionally knackered and generally screwed up.

Long story short, I took it to a disciplinary where massive changes were made in relation to the workings of the office I was in, including the boss being moved into a shared office with his senior management, but I was told there was no bullying (Numerous colleagues stood up to back that I was being bullied and I have since learnt three of my colleagues have also left, with bullying as their reason for leaving, but ‘officially’ there was no bullying!). Three different doctors told me I could not go back into that office for health reasons and so when I met with HR (who were worse than crap) I was left with no option but to hand in my notice (they would not let me move to another office, despite requests from various people to have me go work for them) and on Christmas eve after 5 years of this shit I walked away from the job I had trained for.

18 months down the line I am in a new job, but my gremlins are still there, and worse they are now starting to affect my life at present including my relationship with OH. I have made the decision to return to counselling, I had it when this kicked off and they were great but I am not coping any more. My problem is by going back I can’t help but feel like he, my boss, has won.

This one guy has being significantly responsible for fucking up my life, and yet I would bet he doesn’t even spare me a second thought.

I want to get mad at someone – anyone!!

So this morning started in a pretty normal way (Well except that I was stopping the evening with my folks, and they decided to wake me before my alarm at 5.30am – a time no one should see!) But I was in a pretty good mood, you see OH has been away with work for the last 3 out of 4 weeks but today he was back for the foreseable future. I don’t sleep well when OH is not next to me (go figure, I have slept alone for 27 years and in 7 months of living with him I no longer sleep if he is not snorring away next to me??!!)

I digress! Then this morning I got a phone call from him saying work had decided he was urgently needed and he would be flying out at 4am tomorrow morning. Now here is the problem, I was gutted, I have missed him like crazy, I am tired and sick of doing things on my own! OH kept apologising and I kept telling him it wasn’t his fault (Which it wasn’t) but at the same I was annoyed. I have not planned anything for the last month because I wanted to be there for BD (as I feel massively guilty when I leave him each morning and despite taking him for massive walks I feel I am not doing enough to make up for the longer hours alone and him missing his dad!) and tonight I had made plans to go out with some friends (something I probably don’t do as much as I should!) I made the offer to OH about cancelling (although a small part of me was relieved when he game me permission to still go) but he withdrew his offer of a lift. I’ll be honest with you, I wanted to stamp my foot like a child and the phrase “but it’s not fair” crossed my mind.

However, this is work and I don’t feel like I can get mad at him. So i say it’s fine and set about changing my plans for this evening (arriving at friends early for pre-dinner drinks postponned til next time) and tried to find some fun ways to keep myself busy over the weekend so I am not spending another weekend alone.

So weekend planned, drive to meal out tonight, race through food and run home to spend some time with OH and avoid seperate rooms (a story for another time), tomorrow twilight marathon with sister, involving spending the night at hers so I can have a glass of wine (or three) to make up for missing out tonight, sunday she comes with me to a work committment and then we got to grandparents for sunday dinner (which she had already planned and I am not gate crashing)


phone call from OH, the bosses have changed their minds he is now more likely than not not going and they will send someone else. FFS now I have to race about ammending plans that I ammended only hours ago!!!!!! and the worse part is I can’t get mad at anyone cause it’s no-ones fault!

and then the dog was sick!

9 times, all over the kitchen floor and then twice more at the bottom of the stairs!!

I hated having to leave him and go to work and made OH promise he will return on home on his lunch break to check on him.

He looked so sorry for him and I hated that I had to leave him, and I hated even more that I had to say my final goodbye to him as I ran out of the back gate now very late for work having mopped the kitchen, hall, cleaned the bathroom and tried to straighten the rest of the house. The bathroom and general straightening was due to OH parents arriving at ours sometime before I arrive home from work and I am still desperate to prove to them I am capable of looking after their son.

On my drive into work I had the following enlightenments:
• I had forgotten to bring with me the invite for my friend’s wedding – needed today so I could Google the address and find out where the wedding is being held this weekend!
• The flu tablets I made the trip to the supermarket for last night (I did not want to go to the shops between Christmas and New Year, and had purposefully stocked the cupboards for this very reason) were still sat on the side in the kitchen!
• My lunch which I spent time preparing last night (unusual for me) was still sat in my fridge at home.

I have the feeling it is going to be one of those days!