Such a drag!

OMG. I cannot get over how much this week has dragged. It is officially doing my nut and I am about ready to scream and rip all my clothes off. In fact I did accidentally tell me office I intended to remove all my clothes because I had enough of a label itching me – a few cups of teas spat over key boards at that moment I can tell you!!

I don’t know quite what is going on with me, but I know that the clock has been on half three for at least the last few hours and I am losing the will to live. What’s making it worse is that I seem to be unable to do anything – other than shock the office obviously!
Everything I am typing, I am making massive simple errors with and so I constantly going back, re-type, re-making errors…. I know some of you will assume that that is just my style, but seriously like grr!

It’s like my head and my body are somehow not connected. My hands will not do what I tell them and I just really want to scream!!
I have tried drinking cups of tea, I have tried drinking cups of coffee, I have tried eating chocolate, I have tried eating fruit nothing I can think of will make this feeling go away! I’m hoping blogging about it and sharing it with you will help – fingers crossed!

And just toshow you how bad it is this sentence is being published as typed, with glaring erroers and evetything. Infactitu will amose you to leanr I t that I have slowred down my typisbg speed and really convcentrated to get it this good! What the he;ll?

When it all gets too much – bake some buns!

This post goes out with a special shout out to the wonderful Mrs Capt’n Firepants who has a brilliant blog and so once you have finished enjoying mine *subtle hint, cough cough!* then please pop by and say hello, you will not be disappointed!

(or it will if it ever gets posted as the stupid internet has decided to work against me -grr!!)

It is only Monday and already I’m having a bad week. Following on from the other days blank canvas post, I didn’t want to get all negative again and moan about how one of my friends seems to have decided I am responsible for everything bad in his life and is currently sending me abusive messages which are nicely getting worse if I try and ignore him, or the fact that OH has decided he is too tired to drive BD to my folks house tonight, and so if I want to see him I have to go to my old house, get him out the back garden and walk him around the village that used to be home, in the dark and probable rain. O and can I just put it out there I am scared of the dark – silly I know, but my heart rate quickens and I jump at every sound – this does not make for a relaxing walk or something I am particularly looking forward to….

but I really didn’t want another woe is me type post. Which let me once again starring into space and wishing my life had kinda worked out differently. Then I read the comment that the lovely Mrs F had put on my blog about feeling free to post a picture of a half eaten sandwich if I want to, and while I do not have a half eaten sandwich to show you today (I got my finger out and made a salad). I do have pictures of how I spent a few hours enjoying myself this weekend – baking buns.

And so here should be the lovely picture of my home made Carrot cake buns with cream cheese icing that I made for the first time this weekend. However the photos are on my phone and my phone has decided it doesn’t for reasons know only to itself want to share my picture with the rest of the world and so will not send the picture to my computer so that I can share it all with you.

Good job everything else is going so well in my life or this could really push me over the edge!!! :0)

Comfortably numb

Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.

I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….

I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home, only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….

I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring (yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears) my only complaint was that was sometimes grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.

I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!

However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left ( a book and a dvd, not his bank card before you ask!). The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.

I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few minutes what do I live for?

p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!

P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!

I want to get mad at someone – anyone!!

So this morning started in a pretty normal way (Well except that I was stopping the evening with my folks, and they decided to wake me before my alarm at 5.30am – a time no one should see!) But I was in a pretty good mood, you see OH has been away with work for the last 3 out of 4 weeks but today he was back for the foreseable future. I don’t sleep well when OH is not next to me (go figure, I have slept alone for 27 years and in 7 months of living with him I no longer sleep if he is not snorring away next to me??!!)

I digress! Then this morning I got a phone call from him saying work had decided he was urgently needed and he would be flying out at 4am tomorrow morning. Now here is the problem, I was gutted, I have missed him like crazy, I am tired and sick of doing things on my own! OH kept apologising and I kept telling him it wasn’t his fault (Which it wasn’t) but at the same I was annoyed. I have not planned anything for the last month because I wanted to be there for BD (as I feel massively guilty when I leave him each morning and despite taking him for massive walks I feel I am not doing enough to make up for the longer hours alone and him missing his dad!) and tonight I had made plans to go out with some friends (something I probably don’t do as much as I should!) I made the offer to OH about cancelling (although a small part of me was relieved when he game me permission to still go) but he withdrew his offer of a lift. I’ll be honest with you, I wanted to stamp my foot like a child and the phrase “but it’s not fair” crossed my mind.

However, this is work and I don’t feel like I can get mad at him. So i say it’s fine and set about changing my plans for this evening (arriving at friends early for pre-dinner drinks postponned til next time) and tried to find some fun ways to keep myself busy over the weekend so I am not spending another weekend alone.

So weekend planned, drive to meal out tonight, race through food and run home to spend some time with OH and avoid seperate rooms (a story for another time), tomorrow twilight marathon with sister, involving spending the night at hers so I can have a glass of wine (or three) to make up for missing out tonight, sunday she comes with me to a work committment and then we got to grandparents for sunday dinner (which she had already planned and I am not gate crashing)


phone call from OH, the bosses have changed their minds he is now more likely than not not going and they will send someone else. FFS now I have to race about ammending plans that I ammended only hours ago!!!!!! and the worse part is I can’t get mad at anyone cause it’s no-ones fault!

Not my weekend

In a nut shell this weekend has sucked, it started with a lovely fight with OH! What should have been a lovely thursday night looking forward to a long weekend for both of us, ended up with tears and seperate beds!

Friday was a bit of a none event, with more tears, lots of tissues and far too much wine which did nothing to help my mood when I was stood on the platform waiting for a train at 7am on Saturday morning and was informed that said train was going to be 20 minutes late!! It was one of those brilliantly annoying train delays where every time it approached the time the train was due they would knock it back another five minutes! I was even less pleased when I learnt that because the train was late, we were moved onto a later line and so I arrived in london over 45 minutes late!

The return journey was no less eventful and due to drunken football yobs our train made two unscheduled stops and so I arrived home 50 minutes late, which meant I had to miss the party I was suppose to be attending on Saturday night!

Sunday I took my lovely dog to agility where he did a brilliant spiral first time – I was so pleased – and was then bitten by another dog – *&RE”$*^E$%£%^*!

O well I supppose if it had gone smoothly I would have had nothing to write about!

My weekend

How to have a weekend like mine:


  • Stay late at work to catch up on mountain of paper work which has built up to due to a two week holiday.
  • Drive half hour commute home (getting stuck behind idiot who only ever drives at 40 mph regardless of speedlimit!)
  • Throw tea down my neck as racing out to a fundraising quiz.
  • Pack bags for weekend with blokey (I hate packing and am the worlds worst packer) ensuring to pack more than you need so everyone looking at your overnight bag will assume you are leaving home.
  • Race to fundraiser to find out the friend you were meeting for a good catch up (and honestly the main reason you were going) wasn’t coming.
  • Finish quiz at 10.30pm and race to blokeys house.
  • Find blokey isn’t at house and instead go to meet him at a local club (11pm) & relax.


  • Have a well deserved lie in
  • Take dog for walk – remember just before putting walking boots on, but having driving to walk location (it was a long way from blokeys home, I am not just lazy!) that walking boots broke on holiday and I am missing 1/3 of my sole.
  • Decide to set off on walk, but as not feeling 100% don’t point out to blokey that he has decided not to follow the path and end up wandering around water logged fields aimlessly!
  • Misjudge what you think is a reed bed, and rather than jumping onto a firm surface end up in water and other substances you would rather not identify up to your ankles!
  • On pulling foot out with broken sole, ensure you have a sole full of above mentioned yuck and flick it over your back!
  • Continue on walk, despite sole getting worse.
  • Once only 1/3 of sole is attached to shoe, ensure you get sole stuck under boot and when flicking foot to release sole cover the front half of you in the above mentioned yuck!
  • Decide to abandon walk, and head into town to purchase new pair or walking boots.
  • Realise on route to town you did not bring your purse with you as you were going on a walk (something which rarely happens) and smile sweetly at blokey.
  • Get to town and remember your socks are brown as your broken walking boots leaked, borrow blokeys socks.
  • Find pair you like with amazing discount on and discover there is a loose stitch which runbs your heal, decide you can mend shoes at home but try and get a discount (succeed) but have this discount cause massive chaos at the tills.
  • Go to visit relatives and play with two young neices (3 and 6 years old).
  • Take them for a walk, when heading home watch in horror as littlest neice falls while skipping and outs teeth through lips! Despite best efforts to comfort carry screaming child home.
  • Try to sort tea.
  • Finally get screaming child to stop scream and have big sister of scream child show you her wobbley tooth which has just fallen out.
  • Try to find loose change for tooth fair (in case she is as rubbish as you and forgot her purse) and appropriate safe place to put tooth.
  • Have blokey turn up to take you home and save your day
  • Relax


  • Do shopping
  • Walk dog (with some training – different story!)
  • Sort out lunch
  • Race to drama rehersal for upcoming show, being organised to take flask, however enure flask leaks so you end up throwing tea all over self twice!
  • Arrive back at blokeys, start to sort out tea, have cupboard fall off wall above you while cooking!
  • Stop cooking to empty cupboard and then hold the half of the cupboard which has fallen while blokey tries to pull the other half of wall.
  • Succeed in removing cupboard, resume cooking tea and relax

Did anyone else have an eventful weekend?