it’s not fair!

I know, I know, life isn’t but right now I just want to stamp my foot, throw a toddler style tantrum and curl up under my duvet until sometime next year.

Turns out me living in my fantasy world of “maybe if I just pretend really hard” hasn’t had the desired affect and I am still looking at moving out of my house next weekend. I don’t want to put up lots of wallowing posts, but I’m struggling to put a positive spin on what is happening at the moment.

I keep telling myself, this will all be for the best in the long run… if we make it through this we will be stronger and all the disagreements we had previously… marriage, children, him unable or unwilling to commit … will be done and sorted. If we don’t then it just wasn’t meant to be, that there is someone better out there for both of us… but I’m sick of it, and I don’t buy the crap I’m spouting.

I was happier than I ever thought possible, with someone who I fell more and more in love with as I spent time with him. Living in our little house, with our dog, building a life in the country involving expensive wellies, mud and stunning scenery. A life that I never knew I wanted, but was everything I need.

I want to shout at someone, blame someone… this isn’t fair, I haven’t done anything wrong. In previous relationships there has been a reason as to why the end has come… my ex was controlling, another of my ex’s moved to Germany, his ex’s cheated… but I haven’t miss behaved, and according to OH he hasn’t stopped loving me. He just can’t commit… love me fully… see me every day..

It’s shit!

and then I broke the car!!

Yep, I really am having one of those lives at the moment!!

This morning everything was going well (well as well as can be at the moment), I had set my alarm for an early start so I could take BD for a long walk before work and we enjoyed playing with sticks and learning some tricks in the field. I got home with almost enough time to cycled into work, and I did have good intentions, but by the time I had showered and packet everything I decided I was a little tight on time, and with everything that is going on I thought why add extra stress by racing to get to work, so I spent another few minutes cuddling BD.

As the clock struck 10 past 8 and it was time to head off to work, I grabbed my car keys, gave BD one last kiss and headed out the door, feeling relaxed and as close to happy as I get at the moment. I turned on my car, turned up the song on the radio and inched my car out of the drive…something didn’t feel right. I put my foot on the break, checked to ensure that I hadn’t left the hand break on, and tried again. Nope steering still very heavy… then I went for the age old trick of turning it on and off. That resulted in me being stuck in the middle of the road with a car that that wouldn’t re-start. Luckily for the moment I am still living with OH, so I was stuck in the middle of a very quiet long straight road.

I did what many of us would do in this situation and swore very loudly, can I have kudos for not breaking into tears? Tried again at turning it on, swore a little more and tried for a third time. Either third time really is the charm, or my car took pity on me and decided not to drive me to a full breakdown and started long enough for me to slowly heavy the car back onto the drive, take a picture of the warning light for identification of problem at a later date.

I jumped out of my car, not caring that I have left if sitting at a 90 degree angle across the drive, unlocked the house stole OH car keys and raced to work.

Turns out that this morning is the morning my power steering has decided to break.

Wonder what new joys tomorrow will bring me, actually my car will be in the garage tomorrow and I feel this won’t be cheap – I think I know what tomorrow is going to bring me, a very large bill!!

I’m going back

As previously hinted at, but generally skipped over, I have been bullied in the past. I am not talking about the bullying I had at school, which was name calling and the usual childhood stuff (whether or not that sentence is alright is the time for another post!)

When I came out of Uni I landed my dream job, I was making a difference in working my butt off every day, men in uniforms would often pop into my office and I loved it. However about 6 months in things started to go wrong, suddenly I was accused of making mistakes that I hadn’t made, being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, told I wasn’t working hard enough and told that no body liked me.

This lead to initially me skipping eating and drinking at work, as my first thought was if I can’t get through everything I need to then I can’t afford to take breaks, I was putting in longer hours, triple checking everything…… I used to dread going into work, I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, and one day while driving down the A1 I had the thought “if I just turn my wheel slightly I will hit the barrier and then maybe I can have a few weeks so!” believe it or not at no point did I realise I was being bullied, I thought it was me.

Another big thing was being told I didn’t fit in, this was done by my one ‘friend’ or so I thought, my male boss who had a daughter my age, this lead to me going out of my way to try and get people to like me, I baked cakes, I made tea and coffee and panicked constantly, if I stopped to take a break and get to know people then my work won’t be done, but if I don’t they won’t like me. I was a mess.

The thing that really did my head in was that every one was being so lovely to my face, they even all came out for my birthday lunch (which I spent months freaking out about holding, but it was an office tradition) but on a near daily basis my boss was telling me no one liked me, they talked about me behind my back, I was letting them down…!

Finally I could take it no more, and I went to the union who told me that they thought I was being bullied, not that I was shit at my job. I broke down, I was relieved, upset, emotionally knackered and generally screwed up.

Long story short, I took it to a disciplinary where massive changes were made in relation to the workings of the office I was in, including the boss being moved into a shared office with his senior management, but I was told there was no bullying (Numerous colleagues stood up to back that I was being bullied and I have since learnt three of my colleagues have also left, with bullying as their reason for leaving, but ‘officially’ there was no bullying!). Three different doctors told me I could not go back into that office for health reasons and so when I met with HR (who were worse than crap) I was left with no option but to hand in my notice (they would not let me move to another office, despite requests from various people to have me go work for them) and on Christmas eve after 5 years of this shit I walked away from the job I had trained for.

18 months down the line I am in a new job, but my gremlins are still there, and worse they are now starting to affect my life at present including my relationship with OH. I have made the decision to return to counselling, I had it when this kicked off and they were great but I am not coping any more. My problem is by going back I can’t help but feel like he, my boss, has won.

This one guy has being significantly responsible for fucking up my life, and yet I would bet he doesn’t even spare me a second thought.

I have a thing

As discussed in my earlier post the bike ride to work is downhill, the bike ride home however is not, and every time I cycle through the ideal village that I now call home, I can’t help but wonder why OH didn’t look more closely at purchasing the house which was at the bottom of the hill!

In my lovely idyllic village there are a few characters, you have the very lovely house which has a very large collection of plastic birds on their front lawn, you have the gentleman who puts up so many Christmas lights that people travel from miles around to see them (including TV crews, yes he was on the local news), you have the very old, forgotten about house that I must admit gives me the creeps slightly, and we have the lovely dog crazy lady who has decided she is going to make it her job to help me help my dog overcome fear aggression, and we have the local pub that in about 1000 years’ time our childrens’ childrens’ children will be seen as new to the village.

OH and I have discussed these various characters with our family and friends as we regal them with stories about a life in the country. Unfortunately as I was laughing with one of my friends the other day about how I was told of for not answering my door once when someone called round (I may have been out at work, but apparently this isn’t a good enough excuse!) I suddenly had a horrible dawning realisation…..

As previously mentioned I have just started to cycle to work, as previously mentioned the home journey is all uphill with the worst hill being through the village up to our house, however, until now I have not mentioned that when going up said hill on an evening I have got a tendency to grunt and grown when I feel like my legs are about to fall off…..

Yes dear readers this means that I too have become a character of the village, I too have a trait, a thing….

Ladies and gentleman I am the lady who cycles through the village making sex noises!!

bloody flies

We are INUNDATED with flies, I have no idea where they have come from or why, but as I am sat here typing I have actually been dived bombed by a couple and one has just landed on my leg. This has resulted in me becoming paranoid and greeting anyone who comes to the door or anywhere near me with a rather strange ‘do I/my house smell’ rather than the slightly more socially acceptable ‘hello, lovely to see you please come in’.

The situation is so bad that OH went out the other day and bought sticky fly paper which we have put everywhere you can think of and I am now checking on an hourly basis to see how many more of the flying buggers have become stuck. A slight change from when I was a child and once fell out with my father for killing a fly, which I had named and decided would be my pet (what can I say, I am an animal lover!).

I have even taken to chasing the flies around the house with the sticky paper (note this doesn’t work) although has caused much amusement when my friend decided to get in on the action, however he had slightly dodgy aim and missed the fly he was chasing and stuck the entire sheet to my kitchen cupboard!

Any one out there have any advise? the dog has taken to eating them and I am not keen to go down that route!

I want to get mad at someone – anyone!!

So this morning started in a pretty normal way (Well except that I was stopping the evening with my folks, and they decided to wake me before my alarm at 5.30am – a time no one should see!) But I was in a pretty good mood, you see OH has been away with work for the last 3 out of 4 weeks but today he was back for the foreseable future. I don’t sleep well when OH is not next to me (go figure, I have slept alone for 27 years and in 7 months of living with him I no longer sleep if he is not snorring away next to me??!!)

I digress! Then this morning I got a phone call from him saying work had decided he was urgently needed and he would be flying out at 4am tomorrow morning. Now here is the problem, I was gutted, I have missed him like crazy, I am tired and sick of doing things on my own! OH kept apologising and I kept telling him it wasn’t his fault (Which it wasn’t) but at the same I was annoyed. I have not planned anything for the last month because I wanted to be there for BD (as I feel massively guilty when I leave him each morning and despite taking him for massive walks I feel I am not doing enough to make up for the longer hours alone and him missing his dad!) and tonight I had made plans to go out with some friends (something I probably don’t do as much as I should!) I made the offer to OH about cancelling (although a small part of me was relieved when he game me permission to still go) but he withdrew his offer of a lift. I’ll be honest with you, I wanted to stamp my foot like a child and the phrase “but it’s not fair” crossed my mind.

However, this is work and I don’t feel like I can get mad at him. So i say it’s fine and set about changing my plans for this evening (arriving at friends early for pre-dinner drinks postponned til next time) and tried to find some fun ways to keep myself busy over the weekend so I am not spending another weekend alone.

So weekend planned, drive to meal out tonight, race through food and run home to spend some time with OH and avoid seperate rooms (a story for another time), tomorrow twilight marathon with sister, involving spending the night at hers so I can have a glass of wine (or three) to make up for missing out tonight, sunday she comes with me to a work committment and then we got to grandparents for sunday dinner (which she had already planned and I am not gate crashing)

Then…

phone call from OH, the bosses have changed their minds he is now more likely than not not going and they will send someone else. FFS now I have to race about ammending plans that I ammended only hours ago!!!!!! and the worse part is I can’t get mad at anyone cause it’s no-ones fault!

Not my weekend

In a nut shell this weekend has sucked, it started with a lovely fight with OH! What should have been a lovely thursday night looking forward to a long weekend for both of us, ended up with tears and seperate beds!

Friday was a bit of a none event, with more tears, lots of tissues and far too much wine which did nothing to help my mood when I was stood on the platform waiting for a train at 7am on Saturday morning and was informed that said train was going to be 20 minutes late!! It was one of those brilliantly annoying train delays where every time it approached the time the train was due they would knock it back another five minutes! I was even less pleased when I learnt that because the train was late, we were moved onto a later line and so I arrived in london over 45 minutes late!

The return journey was no less eventful and due to drunken football yobs our train made two unscheduled stops and so I arrived home 50 minutes late, which meant I had to miss the party I was suppose to be attending on Saturday night!

Sunday I took my lovely dog to agility where he did a brilliant spiral first time – I was so pleased – and was then bitten by another dog – *&RE”$*^E$%£%^*!

O well I supppose if it had gone smoothly I would have had nothing to write about!

It’s my party and I will freak out if I want to!!

OMG I am having kittens, not actual kittens – that would be kinda cool! Although I am more for rescue than breed, but that is for another time!!

I am one of those people cursed with a December birthday, and this curse seems to have gotten slightly worse since meeting my OH who is also another December baby, and when did we get together so celebrate our anniversary, yep you’ve guess it, and when do we move house… point made I think?

Every year I try to hold a birthday party and every year I swear this will be my last, and every year it isn’t! I used to love my December birthday when I was younger (and I still will argue that all the best people are born in December) however since leaving Uni I am becoming less impressed, the first year none of my friends could make it because of work commitments I understood as it was their first year in a job and they wanted to fit in…. but last year when there was me, OH and one fantastic friend (who I am so lucky to have in my life) decided enough was enough! Until this year…..

One of my friends said her Christmas do was earlier this year and so she had pencilled my birthday party in for the 8th and like a fool I decided that this means I should do something. So I have spent two weeks emailing various restaurants to see if they could fit us in, trying to find something that was not too expensive, that people would enjoy, and that would cover the various dietary requirements of my various friends and family. Finally I settled on a place and asked them to book, however they did want us to preorder (which I really wanted to avoid having to organise as, as I have said I AM MOVING HOUSE THIS WEEK) and I have to pay a deposit which I really can’t afford to do for the same reason!!

However, I gave in, asked them to reserve the table and that I would confirm numbers, orders and asked how they would like me to pay – I have heard nothing since! So I decided not to freak out, and rang the restaurant today to chase them and the woman who had my phone had no record of me, but did have an Emily booked in for my table – grrr!!! – and was this me?! No i explained my name isn’t Emily or when she asked for my name at the start of the conversation I would have said Emily!!!

I am now having kittens trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do with 16 people on the 8th December when we are walking around Leeds in the rain (you just know it is going to rain) and we have no dinner reservations as an empty table sits waiting for Emily to enjoying my birthday table!

Next year I am not having a birthday party!!!!

 

 

My weekend

How to have a weekend like mine:

Friday:

  • Stay late at work to catch up on mountain of paper work which has built up to due to a two week holiday.
  • Drive half hour commute home (getting stuck behind idiot who only ever drives at 40 mph regardless of speedlimit!)
  • Throw tea down my neck as racing out to a fundraising quiz.
  • Pack bags for weekend with blokey (I hate packing and am the worlds worst packer) ensuring to pack more than you need so everyone looking at your overnight bag will assume you are leaving home.
  • Race to fundraiser to find out the friend you were meeting for a good catch up (and honestly the main reason you were going) wasn’t coming.
  • Finish quiz at 10.30pm and race to blokeys house.
  • Find blokey isn’t at house and instead go to meet him at a local club (11pm) & relax.

Saturday:

  • Have a well deserved lie in
  • Take dog for walk – remember just before putting walking boots on, but having driving to walk location (it was a long way from blokeys home, I am not just lazy!) that walking boots broke on holiday and I am missing 1/3 of my sole.
  • Decide to set off on walk, but as not feeling 100% don’t point out to blokey that he has decided not to follow the path and end up wandering around water logged fields aimlessly!
  • Misjudge what you think is a reed bed, and rather than jumping onto a firm surface end up in water and other substances you would rather not identify up to your ankles!
  • On pulling foot out with broken sole, ensure you have a sole full of above mentioned yuck and flick it over your back!
  • Continue on walk, despite sole getting worse.
  • Once only 1/3 of sole is attached to shoe, ensure you get sole stuck under boot and when flicking foot to release sole cover the front half of you in the above mentioned yuck!
  • Decide to abandon walk, and head into town to purchase new pair or walking boots.
  • Realise on route to town you did not bring your purse with you as you were going on a walk (something which rarely happens) and smile sweetly at blokey.
  • Get to town and remember your socks are brown as your broken walking boots leaked, borrow blokeys socks.
  • Find pair you like with amazing discount on and discover there is a loose stitch which runbs your heal, decide you can mend shoes at home but try and get a discount (succeed) but have this discount cause massive chaos at the tills.
  • Go to visit relatives and play with two young neices (3 and 6 years old).
  • Take them for a walk, when heading home watch in horror as littlest neice falls while skipping and outs teeth through lips! Despite best efforts to comfort carry screaming child home.
  • Try to sort tea.
  • Finally get screaming child to stop scream and have big sister of scream child show you her wobbley tooth which has just fallen out.
  • Try to find loose change for tooth fair (in case she is as rubbish as you and forgot her purse) and appropriate safe place to put tooth.
  • Have blokey turn up to take you home and save your day
  • Relax

Sunday:

  • Do shopping
  • Walk dog (with some training – different story!)
  • Sort out lunch
  • Race to drama rehersal for upcoming show, being organised to take flask, however enure flask leaks so you end up throwing tea all over self twice!
  • Arrive back at blokeys, start to sort out tea, have cupboard fall off wall above you while cooking!
  • Stop cooking to empty cupboard and then hold the half of the cupboard which has fallen while blokey tries to pull the other half of wall.
  • Succeed in removing cupboard, resume cooking tea and relax

Did anyone else have an eventful weekend?