A ‘bingo’wing and a prayer!

To begin with a massive thank you to Kristine for inspiring today’s post. I was reading along with her Real Life Confession and nodding my head in agreement. I don’t have the perfect hair issue, but I do care far too much about insignificant things. For example I have awful skin. If I look at a photo of myself all I notice are the spots or lack of if I am having a rare spot free day. My skin issues are tied to my polycystic ovaries, time of the month, drinking cows milk, stress,my skin is too oily, my skin is to dry, a reaction to something, I get used to my face wash, day of the week… and if there is a big occasion you can bet I will have a lovely hug lump somewhere on my head, front or back. Yep, not only do i get spots on my face (sometimes t-zone, sometimes cheeks and neck) but they will also appear on my shoulders, front and back usually before a planned night out so I can find nothing to wear without revealing my skin. I worry it makes me look dirty, I worry it will repulse people.

This Sunday I am going to a leaving do of an old work colleague. The problem is that the old work colleague is currently working with him and so this Sunday I will be spending a few hours with him, and a good number of his work mates. All who know that he dumped me. All who told me he was an idiot for dumping with me, but none the less all know that he wanted rid of me after living with me for months. They know that he could cope with dating me for 4 years but living with me….

To say I am nervous is an understatement and boy does my skin know it. I currently have a couple of volcanoes erupting on various parts of my face. I have had my outfit planned for at least this last week and I have booked a hair appointment for Saturday and Sunday morning will be sent buffing, exfoliating and plucking myself to within an inch of my life.

The stupid thing is these people have met me on numerous occasions. They are lovely people and will not care what I look like. Yet I feel this enormous pressure to look stunning on Sunday. To the extend that I set my alarm for an hour earlier than usual this morning and did an exercise video before going to work. I am basing my entire worth on how I will look on Sunday and I fear I will fail before I even leave the house!

I am my own worst enemy, and I am certain I am not alone. On the odd occasions I actually know what I want to write, which usually happens as the result of a dog walk and no where near as often as I would like! I will sit down and start by trying to come up with a witty and enticing title. In fact I will spend so long coming up with said title that when I finally begin to write I will have totally forgotten the content for my witty, engaging and life changing post – just play along, I’m having a bad day and don’t need lip from you!

Today’s awe inspiring post was going to be about ‘learning to love yourself’. I was going to tell you how last night was actually great fun and on the whole I think very productive. Without prompting he informed me on the process of his divorce (the fact he is actually getting divorced is massive as it was the major cause of our arguments when we were together!) we hung out and I spent most of the evening curled up next to BD as he snored on my knee. It proved to me that I do want him in my life, that I do want him back (Ok that bit I knew) but it also proved to me that I want the whole package and if he doesn’t step up I will, one day, be strong enough to find someone else who will.

I was then going to cleverly tie in the fact that the major part of last nights counselling session, with an actual qualified counselor not just chatting with him, was about how I can’t say ‘no’ and will tire myself out running around, trying to please everyone and usually fail to please anybody. I spend my entire life stressed, in fact he said this was one of the things he found hardest about living with me. I’m not talking about normal stress, I get everyone has that. But I will book back to back appointments to fit everything and everyone in and then have to leave one friend early to arrive late with my other friend resulting in unnecessary stress. We mentioned the ‘no’ thing as well. I can say no if I am busy, but I find it impossible to just say ‘actually you know what I don’t feel like it’ without reprimanding myself for weeks after and stressing (yep that word again) for weeks after that the friend I said no too now hates me, will never want to see me again and now has a Lauranne shaped voodoo doll. Actually that last bit is a lie, I don’t think that anyone thinks I am that important enough that they would waste time, energy and money on producing a voodoo doll about me.

And I was going to finish if off by saying I am so busy with work, the buying a house thing, the ‘pressure’ to blog (which I love but when you sit at the computer and don’t know what to write), the figuring out what my future holds, seeing friends, figuring out finances, fitting in an MOT, running a volunteer website, I never find time to just be. And so I was going to cleverly say this valentines day I am going to look after myself and recommend that regardless of other plans spend a few hours just looking after you.

Yes, that’s what I was going to do. But having spent half n hour trying to come up with a witty post my lunch break is up so you will never know I had all that in me! Be sure to join me tomorrow when I will not be sharing with you the fact I am turning into a human pizza – actually that’s a pretty cool title. maybe that post will get written!!

Such a drag!

OMG. I cannot get over how much this week has dragged. It is officially doing my nut and I am about ready to scream and rip all my clothes off. In fact I did accidentally tell me office I intended to remove all my clothes because I had enough of a label itching me – a few cups of teas spat over key boards at that moment I can tell you!!

I don’t know quite what is going on with me, but I know that the clock has been on half three for at least the last few hours and I am losing the will to live. What’s making it worse is that I seem to be unable to do anything – other than shock the office obviously!
Everything I am typing, I am making massive simple errors with and so I constantly going back, re-type, re-making errors…. I know some of you will assume that that is just my style, but seriously like grr!

It’s like my head and my body are somehow not connected. My hands will not do what I tell them and I just really want to scream!!
I have tried drinking cups of tea, I have tried drinking cups of coffee, I have tried eating chocolate, I have tried eating fruit nothing I can think of will make this feeling go away! I’m hoping blogging about it and sharing it with you will help – fingers crossed!

And just toshow you how bad it is this sentence is being published as typed, with glaring erroers and evetything. Infactitu will amose you to leanr I t that I have slowred down my typisbg speed and really convcentrated to get it this good! What the he;ll?

A tiny little splurge…

So it turns out I may have just bought myself a house! It’s early days and I am not getting over excited, in fact every time I get too excited I remind myself that I am hardly going to be able to afford to live and the joy is replaced very swiftly with terror, but I have put in an offer in on a house and the offer has been accepted. I am now running around like a headless chicken being very efficient in organising solicitors, mortgage meetings and any of the other scary stuff that I have to organise in a bid to fool people into thinking I know what I am doing and am not majorly freaking out!!!

O well a slightly late birthday present but I’ll get more use out of it than those really lovely sparkly shoes that I very nearly bought, but now can’t because I am buying a house!

Ahhhhh

not my morning

So last night I got to look after BD for the entire evening – it was lovely! I loved every second and it was so lovely to feel happy for the first time in a long time!!

This morning was brilliant as for the first time in weeks I woke up and wanted to get out of bed, I showered quickly and raced downstairs to say good morning to BD. I got all his stuff together (and my rain gear) and we headed out the door – this mornings walk was amazing, I loved every second of it. BD ran around with a massive smile on his face, which was mirrored by mine. He wasn’t very good at answering the questions as to “what has OH said about me” or “do you think I’m ever coming home” well I say he wasn’t good, the look on his face and the wagg in his tail reminded me to live in the moment (Pamela you would be proud!) and I did. For a brilliant 40 minutes I didn’t worry, I didn’t cry(much), I didn’t stress back and forward about where I am going to live, what’s going to happen, I was truly happy. I was wet through, with the rain dripping off my hood and I was happy!

Unfortunately this happiness could not last all day, and it ended pretty much as soon as we got to the car – BD started to shake and wouldn’t eat the biscuit I offered him when he finally got into the boot. I am a massive panicker and that nearly had me calling in sick and taking him to the nearest vet, but I saw sense and decided to give him some time and see what happened. So having safely put BD in the boot I peeled off my wet coat and waterproof trousers and flung my phone onto the passenger seat, where it promptly fell onto the floor between the door and the seat. My five minute search for the phone achieved nothing except making me slightly later than I wanted to be setting off for work.

On pulling out of the car park for the walk, and sitting stationary in traffic for 20 minutes I had reached full blown panic attack. I raced to work and arrived only a few minutes late. I fed BD who was staying in my boot until OH was picking him up, and grabbed my lunch from my very full passenger seat to discover that my vegetable soup had spilled out of the sealed container I had put it in, into the plastic bag, onto my handbag and the passenger seat of my car.

I swore (not for the first time) grabbed up my bag, lunch and water bottle and raced into the office, where on putting everything in my arms onto my desk I promptly poured the contents of the water bottle onto myself, my desk and what was left of my lunch.

And today started so well!

You’ve got mail

Yes I am showing my age slightly but who cares!!

Trying to figure out what should happen in a split, that isn’t really a split. When your OH tells you he needs you to move out to think, but then can’t tell you if this is going to be a permanent split or just a few months while he takes some time dealing with issues that he should have dealt with before you two got together and it feels as if he has taken your heart and smashed it against the rocks of despair, you kinda have to make it up as you go along. Well meaning family and friends will offer advice, shoulders to cry on and a glass of wine or three but in the end it is up to the two of you to make up the rules.

I know that if we are going to get back together, OH has to miss me. I know I have had to leave for him to realise what he has lost, and I know that as much as I want to call him and tell him about my day, I can’t. The problem is I am rubbish at self-control and OH seemed to think that despite the fact we were splitting up, it would be great for me to call him every day, to tell him about my day and let him sort out my problems (sorry but if you don’t get to feel like your in a relationship, without the commitment, not if your dating me!) so when a very wise friend of mine suggested we took some time out from each other, a period of no contact unless necessary, I jumped at the idea!

My friend suggested a month, I said I thought it would take OH at least 6 months – 1 year to sort out his head, and somehow a period of 3 months was suggested. I liked this idea, and so proudly came home….trying to pretend I was not going to be completely destroyed by this split, and that I was taking control of the situation…and told OH that I was bringing in radio silence for 3 months (which later became until the 31st Dec – new year, new start see what I did?!). He hated the idea since the minute I suggested it, but this time I stuck by my guns and so after a initial wobble 5 minutes after he had left and responding to his I have arrived safely text, radio silence has been instigated. Last night I cried on my friends shoulder at the realisation that for the first time in over 3.5 years we had contact for more than 24 hours…

And then this morning I walked into work to see he had sent me an email funny. What does that mean? I have looked at the date and time of this email, he is abroad and usually this means his internet is switched off on his phone, does this mean that he sent it a week ago and it has only just landed, is he sat missing me and thinking about me regretting his decision, or does it mean absolutely nothing????

????????????????

De-nile…not just a river in Egypt

So after a quick Google search to ensure that the Nile is in Egypt, which lead to a further search to see if Egypt was in Africa – and I got a B in Geography GCSE!!…

Yep sorry folks I went there! Turns out that not only in de-Nile a river in Egypt, which according to Wikipedia is in Africa (every day is a school day!) but it is also a spare room, in a semi-detached in Yorkshire. Sometime yesterday or early this morning I realised that I am living in complete and utter denial about my situation. The move out came about last weekend when OH was out of the country with his friends, and so I was the one who stood outside at 5am in the morning and watched him drive away with BD in the boot of the car, went back into the house and fall apart. (I won’t repeat the name one of my friends called OH when I told her this was the plan!)

At first I thought it made perfect sense for me to move out the weekend he was away with his friends, we had dates in our diaries for a couple of weekend prior which we were attending as a couple(ish) and so why not move out once all that was over with. Plus it meant that I got to spend a few more weeks living in my house, with BD and him, enjoying my life…..

As the weeks passed and we slipped back into living as we had post holiday, I think my denial of the situation grew… but you see you don’t walk hand in hand across fields if you don’t love each other right? You don’t fall asleep on their shoulder every evening if there are problems? You don’t still make love, if you’re leaving? but we did. Many times I turned to OH and said I can’t believe this is happening….

The split we are going through is complicated! OH has told me he still loves me, I have asked if the love has changed… if he sees me more as a friend… a sister… but he says not. I have asked if there was anything about me I could change….(yes I went there) he assured me I perfect. I asked what was going on in his head, and the explanation was “I have locked part of myself away after my past relationships screwed me up, and until I can unlock that part of your self, and love you as fully as you love me, then I do not deserve to be with you, and it is making me miserable” (Ok not a direct quote, but you get the gist!)

So now my life is on hold, I don’t and can’t hate him…. I want him to be happy! but I can’t move on from this pain, this agonising hurt or start to feel anything but numb until I know where his head. I am not going to wait forever, and I have given him the deadline of 31st Dec (rather poetic I thought!) so for now I just wait….

The problem is…knowing that he is on holiday…knowing that on Saturday he will come home for the first time to our empty house I have somehow gotten it into my head that this means on Saturday night he will come back to me, that he will be outside my door begging for me to come back. This feeling inside is helping me get up in the morning, and reduced the number of crying fits I am having.

The sensible part of me knows that that will not happen, but the majority of me…the part that hoped we would be getting married in Dec rather than separating in October… is holding onto this hope with every fibre and I don’t know what I am going to do when he doesn’t.

Comfortably numb

Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.

I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….

I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home, only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….

I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring (yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears) my only complaint was that was sometimes grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.

I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!

However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left ( a book and a dvd, not his bank card before you ask!). The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.

I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few minutes what do I live for?

p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!

P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!

On the sick

So it turns out my overshare the other day may have something to do with the fact I am now officially ill. It all started about lunchtime Monday, when I thought I was getting set to have one of my really bad time of the months (yes I do seem to be talking about these a lot recently – I do apologise for the over sharing!)

I have Polycystic ovaries, some of the brilliant side effects include having bag skin, extra weight around my stomach and irregular periods. My periods have always being heavy, and just before I got to Uni they reached a point where I was passing out from the pain and unable to walk. This was happening almost monthly (typically the one time I was regular) and had me absolutely petrified about going away from home, and coping with this almost monthly occurrence. Long story short I went to the doctors, who were crap, the advice was take this pill which will make your spots worse, your periods vanish, and potentially increae your cancer risks but hey it is a form of contraception! At the time I wasn’t in a relationship, and as I am not the sort of who sleeps around or with lots of people I kinda had the not getting pregnant thing covered! I did not take the pills, and instead went to see a brilliant homeopath who gave me some brilliant tablets and for the last few years I have been having almost normal periods.

However slowly the pain of my periods came back, it started with minor aches, then full on cramps, and has progressed to me lying in the toilets where I work passed out from pain, throwing up, wishing I was dead. This has lead to me getting a full on panic every time I get even the slightest stomach ache and a potential overshare on here.

Being very late, I know when and if my next period comes, chances are it is going to be bad, very bad. However the stomach cramps and unbuttoning of trousers I had the other day were in fact due to me having got the nasty bug that is doing the rounds. I got home from work and went promptly to bed and slept through most of the night, excluding waking up every few hours to re-heat my wheaty and apply it to my stomach or occasionally braving moving it to another part of my aching body (head, hands, feet you name it!)

The highlight of the evening came at some point early Monday morning, when while going to heat up my wheaty I passed out and was found by OH burning up on the floor. Even now I am feeling sick, and have waves of nausea sweeping over me which are only interrupted by another dizzy spell. But here is the problem I took yesterday off work, but have gone back in today, despite still feeling ill I was worried that no-one would believe that I was ill and so couldn’t take two days off….

Is this just me or do other people worry?

I’m late…. I’m late for a very important date!

Well to be honest with you, that’s nothing new… I am always late.

I once heard somebody on the radio (I can’t remember who) state that people who are late do not care about other people, that they think their time more important, and are generally horrible. This really upset me as I am always late!

I don’t do it on purpose, on the odd occasion that I am running on time or even early to leave the house, I make the mistake of trying to fit in one final job, or errand…I’ll just hang out the washing, I’ll put a load of washing on… however I am usually just running late.

The problem is if I am every anywhere early I start to panic – have I got the date wrong, the time, the location? – and if the person who I am meeting is late I check my phone at least 5 times a minute worrying that I am in the wrong. So how do I get round this worrying – I make sure I am the late one.

I have been doing it for so long, it is now a standard joke that I will turn up somewhere late (and I am ashamed every time I do) in fact my nearest and dearest have even started telling me an earlier meeting time, and even I give myself an ‘I need to leave the house now’ time which factors in me being late.

This time though I am talking about periods of time… and that period is now three months and counting… I have done multiple tests all negative. I have polycystic ovaries, and so have never been regular, and usually when they do come can be found passed out in the nearest toilet from the pain.

Usually all I need to do is become slightly worked up and that’s my counting the days for at least a week, but now I am getting slightly more worried…… It sounds horrid but I don’t want to be. When OH and I first ended it, I did have the very selfish thought of “I wish I had his child and then he would be always in my life, and I in his” but now I am worried if I am he will be guilted into coming back to me, and I want him to be with me for me not for any other reason.

This is now constantly on my mind, especially as I am currently feeling so swollen my trousers which fitted on Wednesday are now unzipped and buttoned as I am so uncomfy.

Help!