Do I have enough love?

I’m an idiot. I have had a small panic that letting poppy into my life has somehow lessoned the love I have available for Bd and Mity. I don’t know what has brought it on. But I was worried, would I get board of BD, would I resent having the two of them together?

I think part of this panic was brought on by a conversation I had with my counsellor. Knowing the ex is going away on our holiday with his new squeeze brought on tears and it upset me as I thought I had officially finished crying over him. She asked me how different my life would be if I didn’t have BD. If I had completely made the cut, and had no contact with the ex. No seeing him whenever he decides he wants to see me* no jumping when he says how high.

The problem is I promised him. I promised him I would walk out on him and I can’t break that promise. I don’t want the ex to force me to break that promise. My counsellor made the good point that Bd won’t know after all he ‘just a dog’ (although as a dog lover herself she did say she knows that isn’t actually the case) but I will know. I will know I broke my promise to him. I will know I walk away.

But it is hard. Having the ex dangle me on a lease well it makes me hate him. I sometimes wonder if he knows that when Bd is no more I am done. I will be walking out that door never to see or hear from him again. But until then I am a little at his beck and call, and that could be for the next 10 years…

I don’t want Poppy to be the reason I suddenly find it easier to walk away from BD. Now I have a replacement all of my own… I don’t want to be that person who left. He sat with me while I sobbed alone and heartbroken when things got bad with the ex. He walked up to me and licked my tears away when I had no-one else to do it. He was the reason I got out of bed when the times were hard. He cuddles with me on the settee when I am alone in my house. He looks after me when I am ill and makes me laugh when I want to cry.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want Poppy to make it easier to walk away. I owe him so much.

 

*Sometimes when I pick up BD he will have to be there to discuss stuff with me. Usually it is nothing and I have no idea why he refuses to just tell me over text. But Bd is his dog and so if he says jump….

 

He’s replaced me

At first I was worried that the tears meant I still cared.  I didn’t want them but I couldn’t stop them from coming.  The news that he was taking her on our holiday. ..

But then I realised that these weren’t tears for what has gone, for him or because I wanted him back. No these tears fell because I was disappointed in him.  I know on paper it has been almost a year and a half since we broke up, yet it hasn’t been a full year since we stopped sleep in together,  12 months haven’t passed without him claiming  to be in love with me. I know they will come, but they haven’t yet, and to find out he will be spending his first valentines day with her on the holiday we had planned on taking together (before he woke up one morning and just said enough)…

It’s the lack of thought; or maybe the realisation I just don’t factor into his thought process at all now. I don’t know.  I just feel the memory of us, of what we had deserves more. I know he had to move on, but to move on so fast, so quickly.  Makes me worry I was nothing. That I was taken in, played for a fool.  Did he ever mean it when he told me he loved me?

Or is he still struggling like I am. Does he realise there’s no going back but struggle moving forwards.  Is she nothing but an attempt at getting over me?

I knew the holiday would never happen.  For all the times we talked about it I never started to save.  I never saw it as any more than a pipe dream. I assumed he’d visit there again,  after all he had been there without me and loved it. But not so soon….

I’ll just have to chalk this up as another reason to hate him. I tried not.  I don’t want to hate.  But right now hating him is the only choice I have.

Just to be clear, I have not been stood up OK!!

It’s happened again, and it some aspects it is even more maddening than a really bad date…

Tonight I was supposed to be going on a first date. We have been chatting for a couple of months on and off, and had finally found a gap in both our schedules where we could meet. It has been in the diary for weeks and the suddenly the week of the date he has vanished.

At first I wasn’t particularly concerned about his lack of a response. One of the attractions was he had his own life and so we chatted when we could. Going  few days hearing nothing was perfectly normal.

But tonight is date night and so far he has ignored both the texts I have sent him this week. So my assumption is the date is off, which to be fair I am not going to be crying myself to sleep over. Yes, it would have been nice to meet him but I wasn’t planning long term. In fact I’m not seeing long term with anyone on my radar at the moment. In fact I am far more excited than I should be about my new tonight plans, which include chicken fajitas, red wine (and here is the worrying bit) a bit of hoovering and maybe a load of washing (I have no idea when that happened to me!)

However, the thing that annoys me is this is the second bloke who has vanished without a trace as ‘D day’ has arrived. Is it too much to send a text saying “I’m sorry but I met someone” or “I’ve been hit by a bus so can’t make tonight, rain check?”

 

 

 

Yearning

I had a bad date last night, and it didn’t have the desired effect. I had hoped that by dating a few people my heart would yearn for Edward and I would know… this guy who was so right on paper was right for me; and that it wasn’t that I didn’t fancy him, and could see me getting board of him within the month that was stopping me from committing but fear holding me back. The bad date made me yearn alright…but it wasn’t for Edward.

All it did was make me miss the ex. I missed how easy the conversation was even in the early days, how he would look at me and I would feel my ovaries skip a beat or how when we were together the rest of the world slipped away.

It made me look back wistfully over our time together and yet again resent him for giving up too easily and moving on too fast.

I ended the evening upset and missing him; well the guy I thought he was.

He ran

I told him I needed time… so he ran.

I told him I wasn’t sure… so he ran.

I told him the truth…so he ran.

Edward has decided that he isn’t willing to wait any longer, to give ourselves time to get to know each other. He wants exclusivity now or he wants to bang on the friends label. I wanted to just wait and see.

This morning I woke up to the ‘we should be friends’ text. I have to admit to been disappointed.

I thought he was different. I hoped and prayed he was different.

I just needed time to get to know him, was that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

It still hurts

The realisation I am still not fully over him comes with a jolt. It was a simple conversation over BD where the words “I’m not coming straight home” lead to me wondering if he was going to see her…

It’s not the fact he has moved on that hurts. It’s the realisation that I don’t matter. Whereas once he changed his diary to fit in with mine, now I am barely an afterthought; probably not even that.

We would have been trying for children now. Had he not ended it; had he not said enough. He was my world, and he left. That is the hard bit. It’s ironic really. He was the one who was always pushing for more. I was on his car insurance within weeks of us getting together, he introduced me to his family a week after we became ‘official’. Was it ever about me? Or was he just desperate to shoe horn me into the gap his ex had left?

It’s that thought that hurts the most; that continues to sting.

It could never have been about me. I joked whilst we were together that I would be nothing if we ever split up. I wasn’t the ex. I wasn’t the first one he dated after he split up with her (something I was always thankful for) but that meant I would be nothing.

He had the first woman he lived with. The woman he married. (different woman) Then my name was added to the long list of woman who he had just ‘had a relationship with’. At the time he would laugh at me and claim I would always matter, I would never be just another notch… yet now I doubt everything he ever said to me. I wonder if he meant anything…

Actually, that isn’t completely true. I was the first person I lived with after his wife. I suppose that would get me a small part in the movie of his life. I was the only person who never cheated on him. I was the only person who he has ever ended it with. Lucky me.

It’s not the fact that the relationship has ended that I find so hard to deal with. It’s the fact that he no longer cares. The fact I am nothing to him. That thought still has the power to wind me, and bring tears to my eyes.

I was talking to a friend last night about the various guys I am talking to online. She laughed when I was telling her that actually I am talking to a few – currently I am talking to 11 different blokes. Some I could be interested in, some that I am not. And I admitted to her something I have been trying to deny to myself for a while. Although I have moved on, and do not want to go back, I don’t want to move forwards either.

I am still finding it hard to accept that love will not conquer all. I find it harder still to accept that I was so wrong about my feelings for him, and his for me. I thought what we had was special. I thought what we had was forever.

I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to read a situation. With the help of my counsellor I have identified that this ‘doubt’ stemmed for a few events in my childhood, and that the ‘bully’ picked up on this and then a psychopath decided to help me overcome the bully… looking past over the last 10 years of my life just seems to be a repetition of me trusting someone, trusting my gut and then been proven MASSIVELY wrong. And it is happening again with the ex.

I don’t want to be wrong again. I know I am, but I really didn’t want to be.

I am not loving this latest development

I don’t know what is wrong with me or what has brought this on. Do you think I can blame it on the flu or something? I am seriously hoping it has something to do with my cycle and this new ‘phase’ will vanish just as quickly as it arrived…I can’t believe I am about to openly admit this.

I am MASSIVELY broody. I am sticking a cushion up my jumper to see what I will look like pregnant broody. It’s complete and utter madness and I have no idea where it has come from.

I want to be pregnant. I am looking at other pregnant ladies and the green mist descends and I can’t help but look down at my flat(ish) tummy and wish it was me.

What is wrong with me?

I mean seriously what is wrong with me?

I haven’t been this broody since I was at Uni and managed to freak myself out with my broodiness when my boyfriend at the time came and stood next to me while we were stood looking into cribs (Yes, I had dragged him into Mothercares to look at baby stuff, despite no-one we knew at the time being pregnant) and I felt my uterus skip a beat. Honestly, been in that position, realising it was an actual possibility was enough to scare me for…well until now. But now it is back. I am seeing pregnant people everywhere I look and have even half considered going it alone. Although I don’t want to, not yet.

So I will pretend that this isn’t happening, and hope that a goods night sleep is enough to rid me of this new feeling. Cause if not, well heaven help me!

Does #onlinedating raise your standards?

I think in my unwillingness to ‘settle’, my concerns about getting hurt again and the smallest part of me that is still unwilling to give up on the idea that love conquers all, has led me to raise my already high standards and I am very aware that they are now at such a level no mortal may be able to reach them.

The vast majority of my previous relationships have been a result of a drunken meet up. Our eyes would meet from across the bar/pub/club and the night would end with a drunken kiss and number swap. We would then text for a few days before agreeing to meet up on our first date. Although none of these dates lead to any great romances, or even long term relationships, I got to know the guy slowly over a period of time.His ‘faults’ weren’t obvious right at the beginning of a relationship and so I was willing to give it a try and see what happens.

However, now that I am doing the online thing the first impression is a ‘profile’ which all the ‘faults’ are very obvious to see, meaning I can prejudge and walk away. I stop something even before it has started…

Separated/Divorced – red flag. My ex was separated and had never gotten over the split, not putting myself through that again. Plus when I am stood there saying “till death do us part” I don’t want to know that he has made that very promise to another woman how do I know he means it this time?

Has a child – no thanks. I want the first time I go through pregnancy, child birth, bringing home a baby to be with some who is as shit scared as I am. I don’t want him to have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

And when you factor in the fact that I have paid money to potentially meet someone, I am putting even more weight on the ‘not settling’ after all I am officially in the market shopping, and I would hate to go home with something that isn’t quite me. I hate taking an ill fitting dress back to the shop, I wouldn’t even know where I start returning a guy!

So despite trying not to I am prejudging and leaving on the shelve some potentially great guys. Guys who I may not have dated long term had we met in real life first, but guys who I would have at least let buy me a drink.

 

Introducing Edward

Now I am going to start this post by pointing out I am a little poorly, sick, dead dying and this post is been written through a haze of lemsip, cough medicines and hallsoothers. If there are grammatical errors, or it just doesn’t make any sense… well I guess you won’t really notice a difference! 

I’ve met someone. Well I have sort of met someone… come on this is me, you didn’t expect it to be a straight forward story did you?

Edward has been in my life since Christmas day. He contacted me and I was having a ‘what’s the worse that can happen’ moment and so responded without looking at his online profile. I didn’t expect it to go anywhere. I didn’t expect him to be any different to the tens of other men who I have met online, and who after a little standard back and forth vanishes never to be heard from again.

Only he is.

From a few messages in it became obvious that there was something special about him. I found myself opening up to him in a way I have never opened up to anyone. We talk all day, every day. I look forward to hearing from him, and when I can’t text him there is a little part of me desperate to get back to my phone to see if I have heard from him.

We had our first date last week.

Leading up to the date we had both been very realistic. We both admitted that despite how well we got on, there had to be some sort of spark, an attraction. For the first time in years I had excited butterflies when I stepped out of the car to meet him… and then all my dreams came crashing down around me.

He didn’t look like his photo. There wasn’t a spark.

To be completely honest, I am gutted. I think he would be good for me. I think we will be good together. But this lack of a physical spark has me worried. Am I settling, if I over look the fact there is no physical attraction but go for a great guy? Or for once do I decide that looks aren’t important and go for someone who seems unlikely to hurt me but always wonder what if?

He seems pretty ‘on it’ and has a couple of times asked if we would be better suited as friends, but I don’t want to put him into that box just yet. However, I can’t help but wonder if I am holding off on the inevitable?!

We are going to have a second date. I haven’t made any decisions yet. But I do wish, for once, I could have caught a break and I could have just felt….something!