I’m going to begin by admitting something that I have been too frightened to admit…..I have been thinking of cutting all contact with BD.
The reason I haven’t mentioned it before is that I was worried that you (anyone I told) would say “I think it’s for the best” or “You should have ended it when you moved out.”
I have been worrying that I was being selfish by continuing to see him when he fitted into my diary, I thought that when we weren’t together he wasn’t missing me and that by returning ad lib I was being cruel to him. I also questioned my motives. Did I really love him or did I just want to keep the contact with my ex? Was I using him when I had nothing better? I kept telling myself that things will improve when I finally move in and am not living to DIY. Currently I see no-one, friends have been told that getting moved in is a top priority and so get togethers are few and far between (although due to being spoilt with the most amazing friends in the world, the ‘few and far between’ seems to be averaging seeing at least a friend once or twice a week). But friends understand, they know that this is short term, BD does not.
Due to my holiday and then the ex going on yet another lads holiday (all good, helps me hate him!) it has been at least 2 weeks since I last saw BD and I did consider that this was the perfect time to make the cut. However, throughout this two week period I have had his name in my diary for last night and so doubting myself (well that’s nothing new!) I went to collect him.
He seemed to know it was me before I got to the gate – I think it was my jingling of keys that gave it away or probably more likely his amazing dog sense of smell. When I finally got to where I could see him, he was going crazy. His tail was going in circles so large that he could have taken off. He alternated between trying to cover me in kisses and running to show me what I had missed while I had been gone. But as he ran away he would realise he hadn’t had a tummy tickle and so would flop to the floor, but from that position he couldn’t kiss me and so he would get up and kiss me, then run, then flop, the kiss, then run……. he was so happy I laughed out loud.
This excitement didn’t just last for the first few minutes, but continued throughout our entire walk. Where ever so often he would check in with me before going racing off in front with his big silly grin on his face.
In that moment I knew I will not walk away from him. Ever.