A little wobble.

Last night I had a phone date, and it was brilliant. For 43 minutes we sat and chatted, and Bd squeaked his plastic rhino (at least I know the guy loves dogs!) The conversation flowed, to some slightly weird places, but it had the desired effect. There was no time to ponder answers, as you can with texts; we just chatted away and now we both feel confident that if we had a date we would at least have fun.

Then we hung up.

And it was back to the waiting game. Whose job was it to contact first. I had made the phone call, so shouldn’t he be the one to contact me first? Or was he waiting for me to text? Would we both not contact each other cause we were waiting for the other one too?

And this is where I wobbled.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be back here. Back analysis everything, worrying about everything… “what it meant that it had taken him 2 hours to reply to a text… but he’s put on a kiss so that’s good…. Should I send back a kiss… or is that too keen… but then I like him….why not up the ante and put two….don’t be silly far too soon, no kisses play hard to get….I can’t reply yet it’s only been 5 minutes…message sent, he’s responded straight away…. Is that too keen…”

I decided sod it, and I contacted him first. He responded saying he had enjoyed talking to me, would like to keep in contact, perhaps meet in person… but that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants as he himself is just out of a long relationship and so wanted to give me the heads up so he’s not stringing me along.

Second wobble.

Whereas I appreciate this guys honesty, and know I am in no rush myself to jump into anything new. The thought of him being hesitant made me hesitant and my wobble grew.

I don’t want to be back here. I had done the dating thing. I was ready to settle and start that next stage of my life.

And now I am back here, but I am battered and bruised. I no longer trust myself to know who the one is and who isn’t, who’s worth fighting for and who isn’t.

It makes me want to bury my head in the sand and go back.

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A step in the right direction.

I am in a very good place right now. I spent Valentines weekend alone with only Bd and Poppy for company, and the crappy Tv and long walks (and cuddles, there were so many cuddles) really gave me some time to think and work through some stuff.

I spent an entire weekend just focused on me. I had lovely food (which is something I don’t often treat myself to while the budget is still tight), a few glasses of wine and a lovely long semi-relaxing bubble bath; which would have been more relaxing had Bd not spent the entire time worrying I was either going to drown or put him into the bath. I do love that dog so much!

However, the best bit of news was me realising that I am ready to start dating again. My motivation has changed and it is no longer about proving to everyone I have moved on, or even a desperate hope to find someone. It is just something I will do when I find someone who I want to get to know better. If it goes somewhere great, if it doesn’t well it doesn’t.

And this new outlook had me a little excited.

I have a few dates coming up and I am really looking forward to them, in a way I wasn’t with the previous dates I have been on. Tonight, I have a phone date with a guy and I have to admit that it was the only thing on my mind this morning when I was walking Bd. In the past (as much as I try to stay very much in the moment) my mind wanders on walks and I end up thinking about things, “how could he lie, should I still see Bd, when did it all turn to b*llocks…” but on todays walk I couldn’t help but think about tonights phone date, “will we get on, what is his accent like, will it go well, could this be the start of the next chapter…”

Although it may not sound like much, day dreaming about a future that doesn’t involve him turning up and saying letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life is actually huge. Having butterflies about tonights phone call, well that’s pretty awesome!

Just to be clear, I have not been stood up OK!!

It’s happened again, and it some aspects it is even more maddening than a really bad date…

Tonight I was supposed to be going on a first date. We have been chatting for a couple of months on and off, and had finally found a gap in both our schedules where we could meet. It has been in the diary for weeks and the suddenly the week of the date he has vanished.

At first I wasn’t particularly concerned about his lack of a response. One of the attractions was he had his own life and so we chatted when we could. Going  few days hearing nothing was perfectly normal.

But tonight is date night and so far he has ignored both the texts I have sent him this week. So my assumption is the date is off, which to be fair I am not going to be crying myself to sleep over. Yes, it would have been nice to meet him but I wasn’t planning long term. In fact I’m not seeing long term with anyone on my radar at the moment. In fact I am far more excited than I should be about my new tonight plans, which include chicken fajitas, red wine (and here is the worrying bit) a bit of hoovering and maybe a load of washing (I have no idea when that happened to me!)

However, the thing that annoys me is this is the second bloke who has vanished without a trace as ‘D day’ has arrived. Is it too much to send a text saying “I’m sorry but I met someone” or “I’ve been hit by a bus so can’t make tonight, rain check?”

 

 

 

Seeing red

It started out as a bit of fun, just a way to meet new people. But as time went on (and by time I mean a month or so) I started to panic about not meeting “the one”. I know deep down I wasn’t ready too but still there was a little bit of me that got carried away with the idea of not spending another valentine’s day, or my birthday, or Christmas alone. This lead to me forgetting the rules of “what will be will be” and start to worry when he didn’t wink back or why the only men who seem to approach me are 48 year old divorcees. I think it was this that lead to me falling for Edward quite so hard.

However, a few weeks back I had an epiphany, a proper light bulb moment. I strongly believe that when the time is right I will meet him, but it won’t happen until we are both ready and there is no point stressing or searching; when it is meant to be we will find each other.

This means I have managed to readjust my thoughts towards online dating, and once again I am being selective and not just falling for any guy who shoots me a smile, and rather naughtily I am trying to tell the guys who contact me exactly what I think (yes, this may have a little something to do with my time of the month as well, but let’s overlook that!)

Here are the three sure fire ways, that your well-intended message will have me seeing red:

The first thing is an introductory message which goes along the lines of “Hi, I’m d*ckhead. I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are. Surely you are too beautiful to be single” This message annoys me because it implies I am a liar. Random gentleman, are you accusing me of using someone else’s picture to lure people to my profile or is that you think I am in a long term committed relationship and yet want a little something something on the side? So your first message is to accuse me of being a lying cheat!

The second comment that has me contemplating murder is the phrase “it would be better with you!” Usually this is muttered by some guy after we have chatted for a bit, but before we have agreed on a first date. So far I have been told their day, food, evening, pizza, weekend, bike ride and anything else you can imagine would be better if I was alongside. I get it. I really do, we all have had enough of being alone and we all want someone to spend those special moments with BUT you do not know me. How do you know spending any time in my presences at all will be enjoyable? We could argue over films, or which restaurant to eat in, conversation could run out, I could turn out to be a man with 3 heads (I am not). Although I know this is coming from a sweet place it still makes me see red!

The final faux pa that has me seeing read is being referred to as “Babe”. I don’t know why but call me babe and I will be considering chopping off your man hood with a blunted spoon.

Maybe I should have an ‘approach with caution’ sign somewhere on my profile!!

A bad date

Three weeks. That’s how long I had been looking forward to it, Three whole weeks. From the moment I knew he was willing to travel to meet me in my home town and go out for dinner I knew.

For newer readers (I like to think there are some of you) I am a massive foodie. I love cooking new things and I adore eating out. However, with the new house, a tight budget, friends all saving like crazy and no ‘other half’ to treat me I can count on one hand the number of times I have been out to eat over the last 12 months. In fact, I am not fully convinced that my willingness to attempt online dating wasn’t fueled by the idea of lots of lovely restaurants, and meals out hopefully with him picking up the bill (after all I hope chivalry isn’t dead!)

I hadn’t been to this particular restaurant for a while. I had popped in for drinks to the bar bit, but not ventured into the restaurant.

I had decided within minutes what I wanted to order “prawn and chorizo salad for starters, confit belly pork with leeks and mash and a cider jus for main with a delicious looking chocolate orange pudding for desert”.

I asked him if we were doing starters. He said he would prefer to just do mains. Gutted I said goodbye to the prawns and chorizo (two of my favourite things). The waitress came and we placed our order.

5 minutes later the waitress returned to apologies. They had run out of his order and asked if he would like to see the menu again. He refused and said he just wouldn’t eat anything.

8 minutes later they came back to see if he had changed his mind. He hadn’t. They asked me what I wanted to do and I told them “It’s fine just cancel it all”.

I should have thought sod him and just ordered. But I worried too much what he would think, how it would look…and I think a little bit of me was in shock, who comes out for a ‘first’ dinner date comments he’s had nothing since breakfast and then doesn’t eat?!!

20 minutes in and the conversation had dried up. I looked around for help but the serving staff were giving us a wide burst. Understandable really after all who comes into a restaurant and then refuses to order food?!

30 minutes in and the only thing keeping me there was the notion that the date should at the very least last longer than his journey to come and meet me.

An hour in and I was wishing his pint away (seriously, an hour to drink one pint). I had supped my drink well over 40 minutes ago, and as the waitress was giving me a wide birth, I was amusing myself crunching on ice.

An hour and 10 minutes in I was starving. I had decided the guy was a definite no go and had decided ‘sod it’ I will just order food. Then it dawned on me the kitchen was closed.

An hour 15 minutes in he started mentioning how hungry he was, and how much he was looking forward to getting a takeaway when he got home. (It is here that I deserve an award for not telling him exactly what I thought about him!)

An hour and 30 minutes in, having spent the last 15 minutes tell me how hungry he was, he sighed and I told him if he was tired I was happy to end the date and let him get off. You have never seen me put my coat on so fast.

I let him walk me to the car, thanked him for making the effort to come and meet me and hightailed it to the nearest Chinese.

 

He ran

I told him I needed time… so he ran.

I told him I wasn’t sure… so he ran.

I told him the truth…so he ran.

Edward has decided that he isn’t willing to wait any longer, to give ourselves time to get to know each other. He wants exclusivity now or he wants to bang on the friends label. I wanted to just wait and see.

This morning I woke up to the ‘we should be friends’ text. I have to admit to been disappointed.

I thought he was different. I hoped and prayed he was different.

I just needed time to get to know him, was that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Is honesty the best policy?

Men are asses and just when I start to waver in this opinion one comes along to prove to me right. I know I am partly to blame, at least with this original ass but still. (yes, I can see the hypocrite in me, but it’s my blog so I will rant if I want to)

Edward has organised a date with someone else. That fact bothers me more than it should, but it’s not the fact he has organised another date that has bugged me, it is the manner in which he has done it.

After our last date I was a little disappointed. The guy I met in person bared very little similarities to the guy I had fallen for online. (Yes, fallen for… I know) and it made me doubt if I had just gotten carried away with not being alone.

We openly, and I honestly, discussed our feelings and I admitted to wanting to see him again. But that I didn’t know if I was ready to be exclusive.

I then went on a girl’s night out and a met a guy, who turned out to be a complete ass, but none the less there were fireworks and a little bit of me resented Edward because I felt it would be unfair to act on these feelings while we still hadn’t fully defined what we are.

Another long phone call later and Edward and I had decided that we would continue to go on dates (rather than just meet up as friends) but that we were both free to do what we want. The only promise being made was that we would be upfront and honest. I didn’t want to be sat at home thinking he was pinning for me, when in actual fact he was out pulling anything with a pulse.

So we both continued to chat to each other, we planned a second date (which I had to cancel twice cause I’m still not well) and we both continued to chat to whomever we met online.

I have since met a few guys who I am interested in enough to swap numbers and potentially meet in person. None of these guys are perfect, but I have a ‘what the hell’ attitude; a drink and a bit of conversation (hopefully) never hurt anyone. I considered telling Edward about these guys, but until there was a potential date in the pipeline I didn’t really see the point.

The today I was asked out by one of them, and I said yes.

I have a date with Edward planned for tonight and I wanted to tell him before seeing him. His response was to tell me he had been asked out by someone too. I was a bit upset he hadn’t told me, as we had agreed to be honest, and it did make me wonder if he was quite the honest open guy he seems. But he then went on to tell me he had turned her down.

Then a few minutes later I got an “I’ve organised a date with someone else too” message. And I have got to say I am a little disappointed. It feels like this date is somehow this date is a revenge date, going ahead purely because I am seeing someone else. I don’t want that. If he meets someone who is interested in and wants to meet up fine, but I don’t want him dating someone purely because I am. That gives me the impression that despite saying he was fine with me taking time to figure my shit out he in fact isn’t, which means I need to decide to commit or walk away, and if he is forcing me into that decision then I will walk away.

I am not sleeping with all these people. I am not even kissing all these people. I am just getting out there and meeting people. I tried to be open and honest. If and when the time comes I will be open and honest with the next guy.

I have to be selfish. I have to put me first.

As I said the other day, I am over the ex and I do not want to go back there. But I am not over what he did to me. The promises that he broke and the notion that by moving on I am accepting that love does not concur all. It is going to take me time to heal. The problem is if I lead with absolute honest, but the guys I talk to don’t. How do I move forwards without running the risk of hurting someone?

Does #onlinedating raise your standards?

I think in my unwillingness to ‘settle’, my concerns about getting hurt again and the smallest part of me that is still unwilling to give up on the idea that love conquers all, has led me to raise my already high standards and I am very aware that they are now at such a level no mortal may be able to reach them.

The vast majority of my previous relationships have been a result of a drunken meet up. Our eyes would meet from across the bar/pub/club and the night would end with a drunken kiss and number swap. We would then text for a few days before agreeing to meet up on our first date. Although none of these dates lead to any great romances, or even long term relationships, I got to know the guy slowly over a period of time.His ‘faults’ weren’t obvious right at the beginning of a relationship and so I was willing to give it a try and see what happens.

However, now that I am doing the online thing the first impression is a ‘profile’ which all the ‘faults’ are very obvious to see, meaning I can prejudge and walk away. I stop something even before it has started…

Separated/Divorced – red flag. My ex was separated and had never gotten over the split, not putting myself through that again. Plus when I am stood there saying “till death do us part” I don’t want to know that he has made that very promise to another woman how do I know he means it this time?

Has a child – no thanks. I want the first time I go through pregnancy, child birth, bringing home a baby to be with some who is as shit scared as I am. I don’t want him to have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

And when you factor in the fact that I have paid money to potentially meet someone, I am putting even more weight on the ‘not settling’ after all I am officially in the market shopping, and I would hate to go home with something that isn’t quite me. I hate taking an ill fitting dress back to the shop, I wouldn’t even know where I start returning a guy!

So despite trying not to I am prejudging and leaving on the shelve some potentially great guys. Guys who I may not have dated long term had we met in real life first, but guys who I would have at least let buy me a drink.

 

What do you get when you kiss a boy…..?

What do you get when you kiss a boy…..?

Fucking Flu

 

images (2)

So not knowing exactly how I felt about Edward didn’t stop me from making out with him a little. We made out on Thursday last week, I went down ill Monday lunchtime – clearly the cause is his man cooties.

This will go on the lists of reasons as to why I should just give up on men, embrace dying alone and rescue many animals instead!!

 

Introducing Edward

Now I am going to start this post by pointing out I am a little poorly, sick, dead dying and this post is been written through a haze of lemsip, cough medicines and hallsoothers. If there are grammatical errors, or it just doesn’t make any sense… well I guess you won’t really notice a difference! 

I’ve met someone. Well I have sort of met someone… come on this is me, you didn’t expect it to be a straight forward story did you?

Edward has been in my life since Christmas day. He contacted me and I was having a ‘what’s the worse that can happen’ moment and so responded without looking at his online profile. I didn’t expect it to go anywhere. I didn’t expect him to be any different to the tens of other men who I have met online, and who after a little standard back and forth vanishes never to be heard from again.

Only he is.

From a few messages in it became obvious that there was something special about him. I found myself opening up to him in a way I have never opened up to anyone. We talk all day, every day. I look forward to hearing from him, and when I can’t text him there is a little part of me desperate to get back to my phone to see if I have heard from him.

We had our first date last week.

Leading up to the date we had both been very realistic. We both admitted that despite how well we got on, there had to be some sort of spark, an attraction. For the first time in years I had excited butterflies when I stepped out of the car to meet him… and then all my dreams came crashing down around me.

He didn’t look like his photo. There wasn’t a spark.

To be completely honest, I am gutted. I think he would be good for me. I think we will be good together. But this lack of a physical spark has me worried. Am I settling, if I over look the fact there is no physical attraction but go for a great guy? Or for once do I decide that looks aren’t important and go for someone who seems unlikely to hurt me but always wonder what if?

He seems pretty ‘on it’ and has a couple of times asked if we would be better suited as friends, but I don’t want to put him into that box just yet. However, I can’t help but wonder if I am holding off on the inevitable?!

We are going to have a second date. I haven’t made any decisions yet. But I do wish, for once, I could have caught a break and I could have just felt….something!