2 Mini’s & a Jimny cause a breakdown

One of the many things that I am struggling with at the moment is who entwined our lives were with each other. The cereal I have on a morning, is the one that OH introduced me to and I am now addicted to. The way I make my salad up for lunch, is because OH was so fussy about having his salad a certain way.

We had started picking up on each others habits and worryingly we were slowly turning into each other. OH has picked up a few of my often used phrases…”massively”….. “the problem is”….. and my personal favourite was the time he mutter “uh oh spaghetti oh’s” when he was out rock-climbing with his friends and lost his footing. (I am very impressed there weren’t more expletives – there would have been for me!)

And I picked up 101 little things which when I say or do I wait to tell him, look around to see his reaction knowing he will laugh only he’s not there any more.

One of the many things OH has given me is the love of the outdoors and the drive to spend my evenings out on my bike, walking the dog through beautiful countryside or swimming in a river. I am scared that with winter coming, I am going to loose this motivation and spend my evenings as a couch potato – it was only last night that I went to bed at 8am and watched mind-numbingly bad television for a few hours until bedtime. When we lived together, I would have walked the dog, made lunch, played with the dog and then if nothing was on we would have gone for an early night (get your minds out of the gutter) and read our books.

I am worried that people think I should be over it, the move out was a long time coming, and it has been a week. I’ll meet someone new, and live happily ever after – although well meant it is those comments that cut the deepest. Had we spent months arguing… if we were splitting up for a good reason… if we had both just stopped loving each other.. then I could tell myself to be strong, to move on. But the truth is he still loves me and I am still in love with him.

The days continue to pass, and annoyingly I am counting down until he returns from holiday and takes me home. I worry that I am in so much denial. However there are times when it all gets too much and I break down, when the tears fall and I am sobbing uncontrollably – at least I feel that is healthy!

When OH and I went on our first holiday together we hired a Jimny, and had two amazing days discovering Fuerteventura. We saw everything, including the local rubbish tip, and returned home vowing that the next car we bought would be a Jimny. From that holiday forwards, every time we saw a Jimny we would point it out to each other and laugh. Prior to the split, I have pointed a Jimny out to other friends and family members, but they just don’t get it… now I see a Jimny and feel a small stab in my chest, and it goes by unmentioned.

On our final holiday, I taught OH the game ‘Mini-punch’ if you haven’t played it then you are missing out. It is a game my sister and I used to play as children. The rules are very simple the first person to spot a mini punches the other person in the arm (you can decide how hard, I will admit when playing this with OH my punches were significantly harder, and sometimes without a mini in sight – but he broke my heart so to-ma-toes to-mar-toes right?!) The only rule is you can’t punch for the same mini and a mis-identification results in the wrong party receiving two punches. OH and I added our own rules, that spotting an original mini results in 5 punches, and we took to counting how many mini’s had driven past us that day. (If you do decide to play this game feel free to add your own.)

Playing ‘Mini-punch’ means that not only can I now identify a mini at 100 paces, but I can identify them in the dark (although that was slightly more fluke and good luck!) The negative to this game is that now it is not only Jimny’s which give me the chest pains.

I wouldn’t trade the memories I have for all the tea in china, and once the pain has gone I usually smile at the brilliant memories I have. But the other day, watching two mini’s and then a Jimny drive past………….

You’ve got mail

Yes I am showing my age slightly but who cares!!

Trying to figure out what should happen in a split, that isn’t really a split. When your OH tells you he needs you to move out to think, but then can’t tell you if this is going to be a permanent split or just a few months while he takes some time dealing with issues that he should have dealt with before you two got together and it feels as if he has taken your heart and smashed it against the rocks of despair, you kinda have to make it up as you go along. Well meaning family and friends will offer advice, shoulders to cry on and a glass of wine or three but in the end it is up to the two of you to make up the rules.

I know that if we are going to get back together, OH has to miss me. I know I have had to leave for him to realise what he has lost, and I know that as much as I want to call him and tell him about my day, I can’t. The problem is I am rubbish at self-control and OH seemed to think that despite the fact we were splitting up, it would be great for me to call him every day, to tell him about my day and let him sort out my problems (sorry but if you don’t get to feel like your in a relationship, without the commitment, not if your dating me!) so when a very wise friend of mine suggested we took some time out from each other, a period of no contact unless necessary, I jumped at the idea!

My friend suggested a month, I said I thought it would take OH at least 6 months – 1 year to sort out his head, and somehow a period of 3 months was suggested. I liked this idea, and so proudly came home….trying to pretend I was not going to be completely destroyed by this split, and that I was taking control of the situation…and told OH that I was bringing in radio silence for 3 months (which later became until the 31st Dec – new year, new start see what I did?!). He hated the idea since the minute I suggested it, but this time I stuck by my guns and so after a initial wobble 5 minutes after he had left and responding to his I have arrived safely text, radio silence has been instigated. Last night I cried on my friends shoulder at the realisation that for the first time in over 3.5 years we had contact for more than 24 hours…

And then this morning I walked into work to see he had sent me an email funny. What does that mean? I have looked at the date and time of this email, he is abroad and usually this means his internet is switched off on his phone, does this mean that he sent it a week ago and it has only just landed, is he sat missing me and thinking about me regretting his decision, or does it mean absolutely nothing????


De-nile…not just a river in Egypt

So after a quick Google search to ensure that the Nile is in Egypt, which lead to a further search to see if Egypt was in Africa – and I got a B in Geography GCSE!!…

Yep sorry folks I went there! Turns out that not only in de-Nile a river in Egypt, which according to Wikipedia is in Africa (every day is a school day!) but it is also a spare room, in a semi-detached in Yorkshire. Sometime yesterday or early this morning I realised that I am living in complete and utter denial about my situation. The move out came about last weekend when OH was out of the country with his friends, and so I was the one who stood outside at 5am in the morning and watched him drive away with BD in the boot of the car, went back into the house and fall apart. (I won’t repeat the name one of my friends called OH when I told her this was the plan!)

At first I thought it made perfect sense for me to move out the weekend he was away with his friends, we had dates in our diaries for a couple of weekend prior which we were attending as a couple(ish) and so why not move out once all that was over with. Plus it meant that I got to spend a few more weeks living in my house, with BD and him, enjoying my life…..

As the weeks passed and we slipped back into living as we had post holiday, I think my denial of the situation grew… but you see you don’t walk hand in hand across fields if you don’t love each other right? You don’t fall asleep on their shoulder every evening if there are problems? You don’t still make love, if you’re leaving? but we did. Many times I turned to OH and said I can’t believe this is happening….

The split we are going through is complicated! OH has told me he still loves me, I have asked if the love has changed… if he sees me more as a friend… a sister… but he says not. I have asked if there was anything about me I could change….(yes I went there) he assured me I perfect. I asked what was going on in his head, and the explanation was “I have locked part of myself away after my past relationships screwed me up, and until I can unlock that part of your self, and love you as fully as you love me, then I do not deserve to be with you, and it is making me miserable” (Ok not a direct quote, but you get the gist!)

So now my life is on hold, I don’t and can’t hate him…. I want him to be happy! but I can’t move on from this pain, this agonising hurt or start to feel anything but numb until I know where his head. I am not going to wait forever, and I have given him the deadline of 31st Dec (rather poetic I thought!) so for now I just wait….

The problem is…knowing that he is on holiday…knowing that on Saturday he will come home for the first time to our empty house I have somehow gotten it into my head that this means on Saturday night he will come back to me, that he will be outside my door begging for me to come back. This feeling inside is helping me get up in the morning, and reduced the number of crying fits I am having.

The sensible part of me knows that that will not happen, but the majority of me…the part that hoped we would be getting married in Dec rather than separating in October… is holding onto this hope with every fibre and I don’t know what I am going to do when he doesn’t.

My morning routine

I’ll be honest, I am a creature of habit and like my routine – to the extent that I have been know to have full on panic attacks if my routine is threatened, but that’s another story for another time!

My morning routine used to be
– 6.30am: OH alarm goes off, he puts it on snooze and we cuddle in bed for 10 minutes.
– 6.40am: OH alarm goes off for a second time, he groans gets out of bed and takes BD for his morning walk. I stretch out and fall back to sleep on OHs side of the bed
– 6.55am: My alarm goes off, and I push the snooze button repeatedly until OH comes back from walking the dog, brings my morning coffee up for me and tells me to get up. BD comes upstairs with OH, and stands at the side of the bed wagging his tail and licking my hand.
– 7.00am: OH leaves the house, I invite BD to join me on the bed while I drink my coffee.
– 7.30ish: Pull myself away from BD and go to jump in the shower. Be followed by BD with his favourite toy (a mit that was brought to clean the shower with. This has become his most prize possession which he found and retrieved from where it lived, for a few months the mit was put away before I left the house, long ago I gave up and it now lives in his toy box.)
Spend the entirety of the shower with BD dropping the mit within my reach and me chucking it for him, only once did the mit join me in the shower (I turned round from washing my face to see it bobbing in the water) and only once has it landed in the toilet due to a chuck from BD (when OH was on watch, I always made sure the toilet lid was closed before playing this game!)
– 7.45ish (depending on timings, hair washing etc): get out of shower, to get dressed, followed by BD and the mit.
– 8amish: sort out BD breakfast, toys, get my lunch out of fridge etc. Occasionally if running early take BD for a quick walk.
– 8.10am: feed BD breakfast including getting a Sit, Paw and Kiss before saying goodbye and heading to work.


– 6.55am: Alarm goes off, feel pleased with myself for sleeping through the night. Then get a stabbing feeling through my heart as I look across to the other side of the bed and realise there is no OH and will be no BD to greet me.
– 7am: get into shower, where there is no mit tossing, no games, in fact I am alone in the bathroom for the first time in 10 months.
– 7.15am: get dressed.
– 7:35am: go into mum’s room kiss her goodbye and Kiss the top of Mitys head (he is fast asleep and less than impressed I am waking him, he stretches and roles over)
– 7:40am: get lunch from fridge, leave for work. Hope that today I will feel numb and have fewer tears.

Comfortably numb

Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.

I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….

I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home, only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….

I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring (yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears) my only complaint was that was sometimes grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.

I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!

However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left ( a book and a dvd, not his bank card before you ask!). The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.

I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few minutes what do I live for?

p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!

P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!

it’s not fair!

I know, I know, life isn’t but right now I just want to stamp my foot, throw a toddler style tantrum and curl up under my duvet until sometime next year.

Turns out me living in my fantasy world of “maybe if I just pretend really hard” hasn’t had the desired affect and I am still looking at moving out of my house next weekend. I don’t want to put up lots of wallowing posts, but I’m struggling to put a positive spin on what is happening at the moment.

I keep telling myself, this will all be for the best in the long run… if we make it through this we will be stronger and all the disagreements we had previously… marriage, children, him unable or unwilling to commit … will be done and sorted. If we don’t then it just wasn’t meant to be, that there is someone better out there for both of us… but I’m sick of it, and I don’t buy the crap I’m spouting.

I was happier than I ever thought possible, with someone who I fell more and more in love with as I spent time with him. Living in our little house, with our dog, building a life in the country involving expensive wellies, mud and stunning scenery. A life that I never knew I wanted, but was everything I need.

I want to shout at someone, blame someone… this isn’t fair, I haven’t done anything wrong. In previous relationships there has been a reason as to why the end has come… my ex was controlling, another of my ex’s moved to Germany, his ex’s cheated… but I haven’t miss behaved, and according to OH he hasn’t stopped loving me. He just can’t commit… love me fully… see me every day..

It’s shit!

Breaking with every beat

OH told me this last night, and then said he was so impressed with it I could use it on my blog – well that’s good enough for me!

I have been in two minds about whether or not to post this all day, but I am hoping it will help for me to put this out there and hopefully means I can pull myself together enough to enjoy the next two weeks.

OH and I are going on a ‘make or break’ trip away to see if we can see a way through all the shit and somehow save our relationship, or you can come up with some earth shattering advice to save us. I wish I could tell you he is a b*$%*&%d and that it will be the best day of my life when we separate and go our separate way, however that is simply not the case…

Being with OH has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, I am a better person than I have ever been and the relationship has been more than I ever thought a relationship could be.

He has been massively hurt in the past, and I have told him I think he fears commitment, I have told him getting married is not important to me, but the stumbling block is I want kids and he doesn’t.

The Christmas presents and birthday present I have already bought are now hidden away, and I don’t know if I will be with him to give them to him on those special days. Our big trip away in December to celebrate his birthday is now up in the air, the time already booked off work…

Honestly, I am already moving myself out the house he says knowing that I would be sacrificing so much to stay in a relationship with him makes him unhappy, the last thing I want to do is force him to stay in a relationship that makes him unhappy so…..

Is love enough to overcome everything? What do you do if it isn’t?

Do I need him to say ‘I love you?’

I was pondering this question this morning while cycling to work, yes despite the fact I had set off late and was killing myself trying to get to work on time I still had time to ponder questions, or should that be worry about stuff?!

Last night I was watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, I have to admit I am a massive Bridget Jones fan and can’t wait for the new book/film (am I right thinking both are coming out?) and I was watching the part where Colin Firth chases Hugh Grant around the fountain and I couldn’t help thinking would OH do that for me? When I was single the result of a night of romantic films and a night in was falling asleep with my arms wrapped round a pillow dreaming of the day I would be falling asleep with a guy next to me who loved me so much I was his world… now that I am in a relationship I have a rather more annoying response of lying on OHs chest and asking him repeatedly if he loves me enough to fly across the world to break me out of jail, chase Hugh Grant around a fountain to protect my honour… you get the idea. However last night OH refused to tell me he loved me, this resulted in me going to bed in a huff rather than in a cloud of fluffiness and love which should be the result of a good romantic film!

This morning OH announced as he was walking out the door that he was taking my car into work (I had chosen to cycle, he did not just steal my car) to see if he could sort out my tyres for me because they have been leaking and squeaking every time I corner. The other day I sent him a quick text saying I didn’t feel well and he arrived home with flowers to cheer me up, he drops my lunch into work if I ever forget it, when work was flooded he drove past my work every day to make sure I could get home, before we lived together for an entire week he took over 20 miles detour to pick me up in a morning to take me to work so I didn’t have to drive in the snow and on my last drunken night out he drove for an hour to pick me up at 1am in the morning so that I could drink and not have to drive.

If actions speak louder than words… why do I get so hung up on the need to hear him say ‘I love you?’

One, Two, Three, Four…. I declare a chair war!!

When deciding to live together OH and I took the decision that (for the moment_ we will beg, borrow and steal (Ok we don’t actual steal but you know what I mean) most of the furniture we bring into our house. We are yet to decorate, still, and neither of us saw the point in buying something for the sake of buying it, better borrow or do without now and then buy a piece of furniture when we find the right thing and have totally fallen in love with it, and it matches the colour scheme or dictates the scheme.

This attitude has saved us a buck or two as we did very nearly spend an extremely large amount of money, in a very expensive furniture store when we fell in love with a lounge and dinning room set. We oo’d and aaah’d and after much discussiom decided to be sensible and wait until we had moved in, I may have sulked a little. In hindsight this was a brilliant idea as in our minds, since visiting the house and signing for it, the house had almost double in size and there is no way the couch would fit into our house never mind all the matching items we had our eyes on! Anyway I digress.. (yes I can sense your surprise!)

So back to the actual story….My dad contacted me the other day to see if we wanted 4 garden chairs that he had before throwing them away, I immediately said yes knowing how useful they would be. However, I did not share this story with OH straight away as every time I look at something for the house I am usually met with a “we have no room”, “where will that live” “what are you going to throw out, before that comes in my house” (delete as appropriate) response. So I held off telling him until he was in a good mood (or drunk – you have no idea how much I get away with after he has had a glass or two!)

Unfortunately I left waiting for the perfect moment too long, and was given the ultimatum by my father – come and get them, or I will give them to your sister. So as I was going for tea that night I took the brave (or foolish – you decide) decision that I wanted the chairs and it is my house too so I would bring them home with me… I did share my plan with one of my colleagues who brilliantly suggested that I smuggled said chairs into the house without OHs knowledge and then just pulled them out one day in front of guests claiming we had always had them, and berating his memory – I have to admit I was very tempted!

So I turned up at my dads house for tea and loaded my 4 garden chairs into the back of my car….. the only problem was he also had some folding chairs which a friend of his had dropped round which were no longer wanted. They were so light, and small, and ideal I just couldn’t help but add those additional 4 chairs to the back of my car as well, well they would make the perfect Christmas chairs!! (yes I forward plan)

It was after dark when I returned home with my now 8 chairs, so sneaking the items into the house unnoticed was not an option. Instead I came in as if everything was normal and went to bed. The next morning OH flung open the curtains looked out at my back seat and enquired as to the contents of my boot. I have to admit, to begin with I feigned sleep.

Now a small digression, (my blog, my rules) as OH and I are beginning to live together we are turning into each other, the phrases I often say which he hates, he now says (which I only point out and laugh every other time) and I have lost some of my willing to please other people and stand my ground. Back to story….

So when I decided feigning sleep for the rest of my life may not work as a diversion tactic and opened my eyes OH asked me what was in the back of my car. I very helpfully replied “stuff” and ran to hide in the bathroom (See I am becoming him – The stuff response, not the hiding in the bathroom, he doesn’t do that!).

When I came out of the bathroom, and finally got the chairs out the car OH admitted that I am a genius (didn’t actually happen) and I was allowed to keep all of my chairs (did actually happen!)


So I have had a blog for what a couple of months now and I seem to be struggling for content. Only that isn’t really true, I am struggling with what content to share.

When I started this blog I wanted it to be about my life, a place where I could be open and honest about my past experiences, my future hopes and share my life with what I hope would become a worldwide group of friends. I read so many brilliant blogs, as part of my job, and I saw the friendship and support they received and I wanted that for me.

The problem is that a lot of my story is wrapped up in OH, since I first met him I knew he was something a little special, to the extent that I took a massive decision and applied for a job where the only reason I was applying was the job location was close to where OH worked and so I hoped that would lead to a ‘living together’ conversation in the future (which it did whoop me!)
However now I am very aware that his story is his story and not mine to share, but how do I share so much of what is going on with me, and what I want to write about with letting some of his story out? His past is affecting my future, and I want to share that future with you, but can’t without sharing a little of his past. Do you see the circle?

OH has suffered from a past relationship, and I can see that suffering affecting our relationship, in the same way that the bullying and mind games I suffered are affecting our relationship but whereas I can share my past where’s the line as to what I share of his?
Any thoughts?