My ‘I don’t need a man, I have a house’ house

What can I say, this last week has been madly busy, stressful, had highs and lows…but I have loved every single second of it so far! I have owned my little house for just over 2 weeks now, (although I was away for one, so that doesn’t really count!) and the change in me in this time is mad. I feel more empowered than I have in a long time, possibly ever, and I love it!!!

The move hasn’t gone exactly as I had planned, or hoped. In fact the move hasn’t happened. On getting into the house properly it became pretty obvious pretty quickly that the house is in a worse state than I originally thought and so I am having to completely gut the house prior to me moving in. I’ll be honest, being able to put my own stamp on my house straight away is lovely, but I had hoped to move in and save for a few years before having to totally gut the house and my finances are not loving this DIY thing as much as I am!

My first few visits to my house I was a little unsure about what I was going to do. I would discuss every step with my folks, who have been amazing, and listen to their views and opinions and kinda do things their way. However, one evening when I was in there alone, I had the lightening bolt moment of realising that this is my house. Mine alone. I can do exactly what I want to it. And so I did. I started pulling the damp wallpaper off by hand. I have to admit it is addictive and I loved it. I also loved that I was doing it. I wasn’t asking my dad (or him) to help me with something, bowing down to their greater knowledge, or accepting that guys just kinda do DIY while I help. You know the holding the paint pot, or passing the power tool, or watching them take down the curtain rail which is in the way so I can continue to strip. (Not either of them would not let me, but we just seemed to assume the stereotypical man and woman roles!)

I was making up what I was doing as I went along, doing it alone, and you know what…. I was doing ok.

Over this last week my confidence has continue to grow. I have haggled over prices with workmen. I have removed curtain rails, doors, shelves and tonight a radiator, all by myself (ok my dad will be aiding me tonight, but that’s more because despite the man on YouTube doing it alone, I think removing the radiator is a two person job!). I have taken down random bits of wood, and organised for an electrician to teach me how to wire in new electric lights. So far in my house nothing has happened that I haven’t done myself – and it’s amazing!

I am now going to the other side where when people offer to help I shy away from the offer. This is my house and I want to… I need to… do it alone.

I’m not at the point of thanking him for putting me in this position, but I am feeling sorry for my friends who have moved from the family home to a house with their boyfriends and husbands as they (I hope) will never have to do this alone. And part of me envies their successful relationships, and having some to cuddle up to in an evening and holiday with. But going it alone in my house isn’t half bad!!!

I know I am going to come across challenges and that I won’t always be this pumped. In fact when I couldn’t get one stubborn screw out I burst into tears because I still miss him. But I am so amazed by the change in me in the last few weeks, I am excited to see how I will continue to grow over the next few months!!

I’m back

Sorry to suddenly vanish on you, but life kinda got a little crazy and I kinda got a little messed up, but now I am back.

So what’s happened since I last bored you….

I completed on my little house, which you know. But on walking back into that house I suddenly realised that this time round it wasn’t going to be like last time, and not just because this time I am doing it alone. The last house we walked into was clean, tidy, completely random and put together by Mr and Mrs Bodgit but after throwing around some bleach (not literally) I was quite happy to move into the house. We completed on the Friday and on the Monday morning I left for work from my new house. This house is just a little acky and so unlike last time I am having to completely gut the house before I can move in.

Going away for a week with work really managed to mess me up. I had the most amazing time, but while I was there I missed him so much it reduced me to tears. I shed a tear every night alone in my hotel room, and sobbed all the way back to my parents house on my return. I don’t know why this trip had such an effect. I think it could have something to do with not texting him to tell him I was there safely, and trying to fit in a quick 5 minute phone call to tell him I was alive. I had the most amazing time, and really enjoyed myself but the ache I felt… it was almost like I was back leaving for the very first time. I am trying to get over him you know. There was a phone number swap with a guy, although it isn’t going to go anywhere, and I will admit to you that some drunken bar flirting with a stranger lead to a quick kiss goodbye. But I still missed him.

Coming back from the week away was hard. I think I had enjoyed escaping my life and the stuff that is going on, although I didn’t really escape anything. I think that’s why I’ve stayed away from here for a while. I have totally thrown myself into my house, and have so much to tell you about that, but even that is different to before.

However, my holiday came to an end and I can’t run any more. It’s back to reality. Don’t worry I haven’t been on a complete downer that entire time I was away, this last week I have changed so much and I have never felt so empowered and thrilled in my life. I am taking on new challenges and have realised that I am capable of doing anything I decide to do. Except it would seem get over him, or is that the problem? I don’t want to get over him, I want him back.

How did that Happen?

So what started out as a vain attempt to prove to the world that I was moving on from him, despite what I felt on the inside. Looking at houses made me feel like less of a failure, I got to pretend to the world that I was in a good place moving on.

I toyed with buying… I decided I was more sensible to rent. And then I found a three bed terrace, with conservatory, lounge, kitchen, downstairs bathroom, potential for a working fire place…. well within my budget, almost too good to be true! I put in an offer, it was accepted and then I started down this path.

I expected something to go wrong, I expected to be gazumped. I didn’t expect but secretly hoped he would come running back now I had proved I would move on without him – he didn’t.

I haven’t told many people, in fact I have shared the most with you guys. But none of my worse fears or best case scenarios came true and I have just had an email from my solicitors “They have released the keys!!”

I’ve just bought a house, properly not like offer accepted bought, like move in your furniture and go great you neighbours (I really hope they like me) bought!

How the chuffing hell did that happen?

Well, onto the next chapter as they say!!

A tiny little splurge…

So it turns out I may have just bought myself a house! It’s early days and I am not getting over excited, in fact every time I get too excited I remind myself that I am hardly going to be able to afford to live and the joy is replaced very swiftly with terror, but I have put in an offer in on a house and the offer has been accepted. I am now running around like a headless chicken being very efficient in organising solicitors, mortgage meetings and any of the other scary stuff that I have to organise in a bid to fool people into thinking I know what I am doing and am not majorly freaking out!!!

O well a slightly late birthday present but I’ll get more use out of it than those really lovely sparkly shoes that I very nearly bought, but now can’t because I am buying a house!

Ahhhhh

I went back into the house.

Every time I have picked up BD from my old house I have made sure I stay outside. It has been too weird to go back into my house and I didn’t want to hurt myself any more than I had already done. I will always remember the first time I picked up BD from the village. OH had said that he didn’t have time to drop BD with me and it was very much “if you want him, you are going to have to come and get him”. This was before OH had started spending the night, and so I drove to the house to walk BD around the village I used to call home…..and it hurt more than I could possibly imagine.
The plan was that I would pick BD up from the back garden and drop him off post walk – meaning I would have no contact with OH. However when I got there BD was not in the garden and so having walked around the house to the back I turned around and walked back to the front and had to stand on my front step and ring my doorbell.

When OH opened the door I couldn’t look him in the face I was crying so hard, and I managed a mumbled we won’t be long before I took BDs lead and headed to a local field that I knew he could have a run on. One good thing about this break-up is I have now gotten over my fear of the dark – when you heart has been ripped out of your chest you don’t worry about monsters or ghouls that may come and attack you from a dark hedge!
I stood in that field, as BD amused himself with a stick, sobbing my heart out. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t see, I just stood there and cried. I wish I could say I cried until there were no more tears left but I don’t think I have finished crying over OH yet – however whether the tears will be because of him, or because he is too scared to live his life to its full only time will tell.

Since that night I have visited the house a number of times, and each time it gets easier. But until yesterday I hadn’t gone back inside. Yesterday however, OH wanted to show me the cards and presents he had got for his birthday and I was keen to see what, if anything, had changed and so I went and perched on the edge of my old settee.

It felt nice to be back in the house, part of my hurt that I couldn’t pour myself a glass of wine and curl up in my spot, but the other part of me was happy that I could just be back in my house for a little while. This time when I left my house I said goodbye to it, and it was without the same sadness as last time.

I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know if I am playing by the right rules. All I know is I’m building my life back up one choice at a time!

My name is Lauranne…and I am a Christian.

So the phone call from OH seems to have set off a chain reaction in my life and where things that were all falling together they are once again falling apart.

The house – The house was idea. It was a one bedroom terrace house, with an open fire and really low rent. I wanted it before I had seen it. It would have been ideal, close enough to work and the town that I would only need to get my car out if I was visiting my folks. It was cheap enough that I would have been able to save while renting, and it meant that I could spend some time figuring out my life before looking at a more permanent move. I was excited, and it felt slightly like things were starting to work out… and then I got a phone call (this time not from OH) saying the tenant was applying for a mortgage and if they couldn’t get a mortgage they would be staying for 6 more months. I told the agents that I would still be interested if there was this short delay, as it would mean I could save for 6 months so if they could keep me informed. I heard nothing, and so today I contacted them and it would appear that the tenant is staying for the foreseeable future. This house was £200 cheaper than anything else I have looked at, so now I am stuck at home saving for the next few months. Feeling like there was an end in sight helped massively, now I am more aware of the thought of well if I stay with my folks for a few years I will say more – I don’t want to get my feet to under the table, if I do I will still be there in 10 years’ time – but I can’t cut off my nose to spite my face so for the moment I am just in limbo!

The friends – Well it would appear that one friend (friend number 1) in particular is just being a little weird. I know that he is going through his own stuff at the moment, but he seems to be going out of his way to stir trouble between me and a second friend (friend number 2). He is flying off the handle if I say anything to him, assuming the worst and conversations that I thought were being had in confidence are being shared with this other friend (friend number 2) and I am worried it is starting to affect that friendship. Add to it that friend number 1 was there when I had my breakdown due to bullying and I just don’t know what his game is.

Work – Well where do I start with work. I have a love hate relationship with my work, I was hired in in an entry level position, however I have been quickly promoted (yeah) but not everyone seems to have recognised my new role. The new role has just added a load of (much more fun) work, on top of the old stuff I used to do and the term not enough hours in the day was invented for me. Add to that the office layout has recently changed; all desks are now in pairs or groups of three. All except mine, which is alone, in the corner, facing the wall. I go hours at a time without anyone talking to me (and I’m not making this up, I have timed it!)

One of the things I am finding the hardest through all this is my faith. I feel out with the church a long time ago ( a story for another time) but despite everything I have gone through I have kept my faith. However I don’t know if that makes this harder. I strongly believe (hell I know) that there is a God up there, looking down on my life and weeping tears with me when he sees me cry. I also know that there is the devil, and that he is responsible for most of the shit that I am currently going through.
The bit that hurts is that I know God is all powerful and if he wanted to he could wave his hand (or do whatever his magic move is) and sort all this out for me. Take away my pain and suffering or hell even give me a break or just have one small thing go right so I start to feel I am climbing out of this slump.

But he doesn’t want to…..?!

How did he know?

So up until Monday I was in a good place. I had done some serious thinking, and as result of a couple of conversations with OH and his sudden interest in decorating the house I had realised it was over – I had to move on. I told myself he has no feelings left for me, and so I had to look into figuring out my future alone.

On Saturday I had a night out with some friends, and this lead to another healthy development – I don’t need to be in a relationship right now.
Yes there are things that I will miss, having no future holiday plans to look forward to is hard, sleeping in a cold bed sucks, but I realised I really don’t want to go back into that analysing every text message…..looking for the hidden meaning in the presence or absence of a kiss on the end of the text…wondering the meaning behind the time between each text. I had escaped that and I am not in a place where I want to go back. On Saturday night I realised that this is ok, I have friends and family, I am busy so why not just be alone for a while and perhaps purchase a few more hot water bottles!!
I had even found a little place to rent, near work dead cheap. I was the first to apply for it and it finally felt like everything was coming together. Renting this place for a year would let me know where I want to buy – OH and I moved to a small village about an hour away from my folks, but closer to my work. When I first moved out I was determined I was never moving more than 5 minutes away from friends and family. However as time has gone on I am missing this village that I called home, and it is cheaper, so I looked to buy there. The more I have thought about it, the more sense it makes to look at renting for a short period of time. It will let me decided if I want the lovely little village because I want the lovely village or because it is a way to hang on to a dream of a life with OH.

So things were working out, I was getting towards being happy and settled… and then OH called me at work…for a chat. He didn’t want me to feel like he was ignoring me, and so he rang to see how I was, to discuss dropping BD off at mine on Friday, despite me offering to collect him from the old house meaning I had no need to OH. This one phone call has managed to revert me back to missing him like crazy, and wondering if he wants to see me and if that is why he is offering to drop BD off at mine?

I am annoyed at myself that within the space of one phone call I have reverted back and all I want is my life with him back!

One, Two, Three, Four…. I declare a chair war!!

When deciding to live together OH and I took the decision that (for the moment_ we will beg, borrow and steal (Ok we don’t actual steal but you know what I mean) most of the furniture we bring into our house. We are yet to decorate, still, and neither of us saw the point in buying something for the sake of buying it, better borrow or do without now and then buy a piece of furniture when we find the right thing and have totally fallen in love with it, and it matches the colour scheme or dictates the scheme.

This attitude has saved us a buck or two as we did very nearly spend an extremely large amount of money, in a very expensive furniture store when we fell in love with a lounge and dinning room set. We oo’d and aaah’d and after much discussiom decided to be sensible and wait until we had moved in, I may have sulked a little. In hindsight this was a brilliant idea as in our minds, since visiting the house and signing for it, the house had almost double in size and there is no way the couch would fit into our house never mind all the matching items we had our eyes on! Anyway I digress.. (yes I can sense your surprise!)

So back to the actual story….My dad contacted me the other day to see if we wanted 4 garden chairs that he had before throwing them away, I immediately said yes knowing how useful they would be. However, I did not share this story with OH straight away as every time I look at something for the house I am usually met with a “we have no room”, “where will that live” “what are you going to throw out, before that comes in my house” (delete as appropriate) response. So I held off telling him until he was in a good mood (or drunk – you have no idea how much I get away with after he has had a glass or two!)

Unfortunately I left waiting for the perfect moment too long, and was given the ultimatum by my father – come and get them, or I will give them to your sister. So as I was going for tea that night I took the brave (or foolish – you decide) decision that I wanted the chairs and it is my house too so I would bring them home with me… I did share my plan with one of my colleagues who brilliantly suggested that I smuggled said chairs into the house without OHs knowledge and then just pulled them out one day in front of guests claiming we had always had them, and berating his memory – I have to admit I was very tempted!

So I turned up at my dads house for tea and loaded my 4 garden chairs into the back of my car….. the only problem was he also had some folding chairs which a friend of his had dropped round which were no longer wanted. They were so light, and small, and ideal I just couldn’t help but add those additional 4 chairs to the back of my car as well, well they would make the perfect Christmas chairs!! (yes I forward plan)

It was after dark when I returned home with my now 8 chairs, so sneaking the items into the house unnoticed was not an option. Instead I came in as if everything was normal and went to bed. The next morning OH flung open the curtains looked out at my back seat and enquired as to the contents of my boot. I have to admit, to begin with I feigned sleep.

Now a small digression, (my blog, my rules) as OH and I are beginning to live together we are turning into each other, the phrases I often say which he hates, he now says (which I only point out and laugh every other time) and I have lost some of my willing to please other people and stand my ground. Back to story….

So when I decided feigning sleep for the rest of my life may not work as a diversion tactic and opened my eyes OH asked me what was in the back of my car. I very helpfully replied “stuff” and ran to hide in the bathroom (See I am becoming him – The stuff response, not the hiding in the bathroom, he doesn’t do that!).

When I came out of the bathroom, and finally got the chairs out the car OH admitted that I am a genius (didn’t actually happen) and I was allowed to keep all of my chairs (did actually happen!)

bloody flies

We are INUNDATED with flies, I have no idea where they have come from or why, but as I am sat here typing I have actually been dived bombed by a couple and one has just landed on my leg. This has resulted in me becoming paranoid and greeting anyone who comes to the door or anywhere near me with a rather strange ‘do I/my house smell’ rather than the slightly more socially acceptable ‘hello, lovely to see you please come in’.

The situation is so bad that OH went out the other day and bought sticky fly paper which we have put everywhere you can think of and I am now checking on an hourly basis to see how many more of the flying buggers have become stuck. A slight change from when I was a child and once fell out with my father for killing a fly, which I had named and decided would be my pet (what can I say, I am an animal lover!).

I have even taken to chasing the flies around the house with the sticky paper (note this doesn’t work) although has caused much amusement when my friend decided to get in on the action, however he had slightly dodgy aim and missed the fly he was chasing and stuck the entire sheet to my kitchen cupboard!

Any one out there have any advise? the dog has taken to eating them and I am not keen to go down that route!