Why do you blog?

I was reading a post over at Human Rescue dog and the title got me thinking. I have been a little quiet on the post front recently – well they have been there but so that I could tick of that I have posted that day rather than the subject massively appealing. The reason I have been so quiet is (as with so much in my life) I am struggling.

The launch of my blog was for multiple reasons; I wanted a record of the next few years of my life. You see the ex and I had different views on what the next few years would look like. I saw a couple of years of living together in our dream house, where I would write daily witty posts about “learning how to live with a boy”‘ or “DIY success and failures”. I signed up to follow some of the best pet bloggers I have seen and looked forward to sharing all the crazy things BD did on a daily basis as well as having a community to go to for advice, strength and encouragement. I had seen the fellowship so many other bloggers have and I wanted that for myself. As well as signing up to pet bloggers I ensured my inbox was filled with baby bloggers too as although neither of us wanted kids in the immediate future I had hoped within a few years I would be telling you all about my experiences with pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and I wanted to be as clued up as possible. I had my life planned out…..you know what they say about best laid plans.

I also had hoped that maybe, just maybe I could make a living from blogging. I saw other people do it and I longed for a job which I could be really passionate about but would allow me to work from home so that I didn’t have to leave BD on a daily basis. I dreamed about how my spare time would be spent helping at local rescues, walking BD, raising my children as a stay at home mum. I was going to live the dream and write all about it.

However, sometimes dreams don’t come true. So now I morn the end of a relationship and a life that I wanted. Not only has the end of this relationship left me with heartache and a whole pile of emotional baggage to rummage through, but it has taken away all the content I had mentally penned out for the next few years.

This blog was about recording my life, and I will still do that, but I am worried that while my life is currently a whole load of boring I am going to drive away readers by the bucketful. I want the community that I have seen online for myself, yet with you all having so much going on with your own lives I worry you aren’t going to want to come and spend some of your precious minutes in my dark little corner of the web. This has meant for the last few days I have sat down and started to write “fluffy” posts but I can’t get them to the point that I am happy to press publish and so they have sat, as has this blog.

It’s a little bit of a catch 22, I am worried that by writing about my life I am going to drive away the community and friendship I am so desperate for. I signed up to a pet bloggers exchange hoping to find my identity there and then spent two days worrying that I was going to receive an email telling me ‘thanks but no thanks’ as I didn’t quite fit in.

When asked ‘Why do you blog’ the honest answer is to record my life but somewhere between this want I started chasing comments and likes. I visit my stats page daily and worry that if they have dropped I need to be funnier, more interesting, more relevant, less me. So as with the rest of my life I think I need to re-look at my blog. I appreciate each and every single one of you that visits, but I have to go back to my original love, my original aim.

Hello, my name is Lauranne, and I blog to record my life. I have no idea where this will take me, I can guarantee that there will be tears on the way, but I can also promise their will be laughter (sometimes at me) sharing and honesty. If you want to stick with me then I can make you no promises, there may be months of me sorting out my head, I may go weeks without sharing anything of note but I promise that I will be me. This is why I blog!

De-nile…not just a river in Egypt

So after a quick Google search to ensure that the Nile is in Egypt, which lead to a further search to see if Egypt was in Africa – and I got a B in Geography GCSE!!…

Yep sorry folks I went there! Turns out that not only in de-Nile a river in Egypt, which according to Wikipedia is in Africa (every day is a school day!) but it is also a spare room, in a semi-detached in Yorkshire. Sometime yesterday or early this morning I realised that I am living in complete and utter denial about my situation. The move out came about last weekend when OH was out of the country with his friends, and so I was the one who stood outside at 5am in the morning and watched him drive away with BD in the boot of the car, went back into the house and fall apart. (I won’t repeat the name one of my friends called OH when I told her this was the plan!)

At first I thought it made perfect sense for me to move out the weekend he was away with his friends, we had dates in our diaries for a couple of weekend prior which we were attending as a couple(ish) and so why not move out once all that was over with. Plus it meant that I got to spend a few more weeks living in my house, with BD and him, enjoying my life…..

As the weeks passed and we slipped back into living as we had post holiday, I think my denial of the situation grew… but you see you don’t walk hand in hand across fields if you don’t love each other right? You don’t fall asleep on their shoulder every evening if there are problems? You don’t still make love, if you’re leaving? but we did. Many times I turned to OH and said I can’t believe this is happening….

The split we are going through is complicated! OH has told me he still loves me, I have asked if the love has changed… if he sees me more as a friend… a sister… but he says not. I have asked if there was anything about me I could change….(yes I went there) he assured me I perfect. I asked what was going on in his head, and the explanation was “I have locked part of myself away after my past relationships screwed me up, and until I can unlock that part of your self, and love you as fully as you love me, then I do not deserve to be with you, and it is making me miserable” (Ok not a direct quote, but you get the gist!)

So now my life is on hold, I don’t and can’t hate him…. I want him to be happy! but I can’t move on from this pain, this agonising hurt or start to feel anything but numb until I know where his head. I am not going to wait forever, and I have given him the deadline of 31st Dec (rather poetic I thought!) so for now I just wait….

The problem is…knowing that he is on holiday…knowing that on Saturday he will come home for the first time to our empty house I have somehow gotten it into my head that this means on Saturday night he will come back to me, that he will be outside my door begging for me to come back. This feeling inside is helping me get up in the morning, and reduced the number of crying fits I am having.

The sensible part of me knows that that will not happen, but the majority of me…the part that hoped we would be getting married in Dec rather than separating in October… is holding onto this hope with every fibre and I don’t know what I am going to do when he doesn’t.

Do I need him to say ‘I love you?’

I was pondering this question this morning while cycling to work, yes despite the fact I had set off late and was killing myself trying to get to work on time I still had time to ponder questions, or should that be worry about stuff?!

Last night I was watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, I have to admit I am a massive Bridget Jones fan and can’t wait for the new book/film (am I right thinking both are coming out?) and I was watching the part where Colin Firth chases Hugh Grant around the fountain and I couldn’t help thinking would OH do that for me? When I was single the result of a night of romantic films and a night in was falling asleep with my arms wrapped round a pillow dreaming of the day I would be falling asleep with a guy next to me who loved me so much I was his world… now that I am in a relationship I have a rather more annoying response of lying on OHs chest and asking him repeatedly if he loves me enough to fly across the world to break me out of jail, chase Hugh Grant around a fountain to protect my honour… you get the idea. However last night OH refused to tell me he loved me, this resulted in me going to bed in a huff rather than in a cloud of fluffiness and love which should be the result of a good romantic film!

This morning OH announced as he was walking out the door that he was taking my car into work (I had chosen to cycle, he did not just steal my car) to see if he could sort out my tyres for me because they have been leaking and squeaking every time I corner. The other day I sent him a quick text saying I didn’t feel well and he arrived home with flowers to cheer me up, he drops my lunch into work if I ever forget it, when work was flooded he drove past my work every day to make sure I could get home, before we lived together for an entire week he took over 20 miles detour to pick me up in a morning to take me to work so I didn’t have to drive in the snow and on my last drunken night out he drove for an hour to pick me up at 1am in the morning so that I could drink and not have to drive.

If actions speak louder than words… why do I get so hung up on the need to hear him say ‘I love you?’

Why blog?

I initially started this blog for all the wrong reasons, I wanted to make money from it!! I currently work in social media (sort of) and I spend my days looking at amazing blogs knwoing that people can stay at home and make a living from blogging and I was jealous and thought if they can do it why can’t I?!

To begin with, I was keeping it all very secretive – my about me page contained nothing but cryptic clues as I didn’t want anyone to find out this is me, and I had written what I thought people may want to read rather than what I actually wanted to put. However have spent a couple of hours reading some blogs from some very inspirational women I have decided to start again. So here is attempt two (which is shocking considering this will be my third post!)

Here I will now share what I want to share, rather than what I think needs sharing. *Deep breath*

Part of the reason I didn’t want to share too much is because I was/am ashamed to admit I am a mess. I had a plan for my life you see – nothing concrete, just an idea of how I wanted it to be and it involved me going to Uni, doing a course with a specific job in the end, getting a job at the end of it and then working my way up the career ladder until I reached as far up as I wanted to go, before jumping off to become a full time mum. However, it went so very wrong when having worked my ass of to get a good degree, and got a great job, my boss took a dislike to me and uttered the words “I am going to get rid of her!” Well it took the bastard (sorry but justified) three years and I had an almost complete mental break down, but in the end he did! I fought it to the bitter end, however he won and sometimes I feel like he is still winning.

So now this is my blog where I will be open and honest and unafraid – I still don’t know how I will cope being completely honest (for example my OH has a female friend who I really can’t stand – she is a b^*@^. there is a story there for another time, and he still hasn’t twigged I can’t stand her and he thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread…..) but my hopes for it has now changed, and if it can’t make me rich, maybe somewhere along the line it will make me better!!