A Deconstructed Wedding

As I said yesterday in my post (go read it now, I’ll wait!) a lot of friends, family, random people in the street worried I was giving up too much for him.
My ‘sacrifices’ were one of the things we would argue about almost daily and being the stubborn arse that he is he refused to see that as a “young woman” (condescending much?!) I could be happy without the life he imagined I wanted including the big white wedding. To be fair I couldn’t promise him that I wouldn’t one day regret that I hadn’t gotten married, but I knew that as far as I was concerned our relationship and life together, committed to each other mattered more!

I was out shopping with my mum one day, having this very discussion with her when she said “well you will just have to have a hen party type weekend for your 30th” and suddenly I had a light bulb moment. I decided that I could quite happily live my life with him and then if later down the line I suddenly needed the cake, the dress, the hen party, I could have them all I had to do was deconstruct the ‘traditional white wedding’ for example:

Hen Party: The idea of having a hen party worries me. Will people want to spend an entire weekend celebrating with me? How many girls would I have to invite? Friends, Family, Work colleagues? Even without any wedding plans the idea of a hen do stresses me out. I have a limited number of friends and relatives I would actually want there and I am passed the getting drunk and playing silly games thing – been there, done that, threw the hat away a few years back. However, deconstructing the wedding meant that I could invite only the people who would ‘get’ what this was and so I would have the people there who love and support me. I wouldn’t be worrying about people as only true friends would support such a crazy idea. Suddenly this tradition appealed to me!

This brilliant idea partly gifted to me by my mother then opened up the flood gates:

Wedding cake: If i decided I wanted to spend a significant amount of money on a cake I could do just that. One day I could walk into a bakers and order myself and expensive three tier cake but rather than having to have fruit cake and white icing, it could be chocolate and bright blue with a frog on top.

The Dress: There was nothing to stop me spoiling myself and spending a fraction of the money one would spend on a wedding dress on a really special dress for me. But once again it could be whatever style, shape or colour I wanted. Short and backless – why not? Green instead of cream and I bet I would get more wear out of it!!

The only time this really fell apart was the children debate. He didn’t know if he wanted children. Hell he still does’t. Whereas I have been told that due to various health issues I may struggle to conceive (although that opinion does differ depending on the doctor giving it!). After much thought and soul searching I told him that if the time came when I chose having a child above him, then I would walk away and do it alone.

I know that may sounds crazy but I have been following the blog of the most amazing Mumma for a while and she gave me the courage to make this decision. I told one of my close friends and amazingly she was on board with this idea, and even my parents were supportive. The only person who hated it was him.

The crazy thing about the child debate was that more than anything I wanted to give him a child. Weirdly more than anything I wanted to give him a son. This is despite the fact that I want to have two girls. When we were together I asked myself almost daily ‘if I can’t have children with the man I love then do I really want a child’ and the honest answer was I didn’t know.

And so I told him I would wait, wait until I was ready to have a child and then if I was and he wasn’t I would walk away and if he had finally grown up then we would have taken the next step together. With or without marriage.

What is a marriage?

Todays post is dedicated to the very lovely Donna – thank you for inspiring me (and sorry it’s a day late!)!

I know my friends and family worried I was going to give up too much to be with him. I can understand how they may feel like this but due to a conversation I had with my very wise Uncle a few years ago –I never felt like I was losing out on anything!

I must have been about 14 when I turned to my Uncle and stated that I couldn’t wait to get married. I can remember he asked ‘why’ and so I told him. Well I get to have a big dress, and have my dad walk me down the aisle, to ask people to be my bridesmaid and have a big family get together. My Uncle turned to me and said “but that’s a wedding, not a marriage!” And he was right.

Weirdly, since before I met him whenever I thought of my wedding day I had an image in my head. However it isn’t of the traditional church wedding. I would love to get married somewhere hot, next to the sea. I imagine me walking down the aisle in bare feet and a very simple white dress and guest which consist of immediate family and a few carefully selected friends. Weirdly, dating him gave me the freedom to finally admit to this dream.

The words of my Uncle have always stuck with me. I want a marriage, not a wedding. That is how when I thought I had found the right guy I could so easily walk away from the ‘big white wedding’ that I don’t know if I want. The one thing I do know is that I want to find someone to share my life with. I want the commitment, an agreement to figure our lives out together, the promise of “better or worse, sickness and in health, til death do us part.”

Many people say marriage is just a piece of paper, and my thought is it is…. and it isn’t. The legal side of marriage is in my opinion, very much a piece of paper. Ok it makes things legal, gives you something in the eyes of the law if things don’t work out as planned but at the end of the day it is just a legal agreement and that piece of paper can not a marriage make.

A marriage is about so much more. It is about making a commitment and meaning it. Figuring out a way to get through life together, taking on the world to keep each other safe and at the end of the day if someone is willing to make that commitment and promise to me does it matter where the promise is made? What I’m wearing? What I will eat after? What matters is that that guy is standing up and saying I want you to be my everything forever and meaning it with everything he is!