This morning on my drive into work I was listening to a tribute to the 9/11 victims which was playing on the radio. It was moving, thought provoking and everything a good tribute should be. It made me feel even more compelled to write something about this event on my blog.

But where do you start?

What do you say that hasn’t been said before?

How do you even begin to put into words what it is you want to say?

I was considering voicing my annoyance with the wording used to describe the terrorists, but I feel today isn’t a day for anger. There is already enough anger and hatred in this world, on today of all days we should not seek to add more anger.

Do I talk about forgiveness – but it’s not my place to forgive. I will not comment on how those people affected by the tragedy should or should not find a way to move on with their lives. If they have found a way to forgive then I am happy for them but if they are still in a place where the hatred is pulling them through the day then I am not going to judge them for that.

Instead I wanted to focus on love.

I strongly believe that violence does not prevent or atone for another act of violence, remember An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth only leaves the whole world hungry and blind. But love, love does something greater.

I couldn’t help but follow a little of the #911remembered twitter stream this morning. The tweets started off as much as I expected, touching tributes, photos of the events, stories of survivors. But as I scrolled lower my screen became filled with images of injured, dead and dying children with comments along the lines of “you shot my daughter so you deserve this” or “you brought this on yourself”.

My heart couldn’t help but bleed a little.

So much hurt, so much hatred.

Violence resulting in Violence.

Innocent people killed in revenge for other innocent people deaths…. this is madness.

I can’t help but feel this world is becoming a rather dark place. One where people take what they want with very little regard for the thought of the people they are taking it from. Just open the newspaper and you can read horror stories of the dad who was kicked to death for stopping some yobs for destroying his hedge or the Indian health worker who went to the aid of a gang-rape victim and has now been raped herself.

If the lives lost on 9/11 are not going to have died in vain then we need to change and we need to change now.

Look at the World War 1 & 2 (I had originally put the Great Wars, but removed that as no war is Great!) I remember as a child being confused “if the 1st World War was so horrific that it was supposed to be the War to end all Wars, how did they let a second one happen?” We have learnt no lessons, we still send hundreds of men and woman off to die and sometimes I have to ask for what? I would like to say because ‘we’ are making a difference, that it’s to end a fascist regime but I fear the truth is  ‘we want the oil’ or some other entity and human suffer has very little to do with it.

So today I am going to ask you to find a little time in your life to love a little more.



” At this moment, 13 years ago, millions of Americans went to bed quietly, with no thought that the next morning their world would change forever. That night, hundreds packed flight bags they would not live to open. Thousands slept with loved ones for the last time.

One never knows what a new day has in store. Let us live each day to the fullest, and never miss an opportunity to let those nearest and dearest to us know of our love for them. So tonight, if you have someone in your life that you love, tell them!”










(The above was seen on the internet. if this is your wording and you object to me using it let me know and I will remove it)

What is love? Who knew a bed could be such a big deal!

This weekend saw a momentous occasion in the house. I have finished the spare room (other than putting up shelves and ornaments!) and I managed to wallpaper the statement room in my bedroom meaning I managed to put my bed up. Yep, I am no longer camping out on a mattress. A time for celebration, I am so closed to being finished, my house is finally going to be a home and plans will not have to fit around DIY….and yet putting up my bed has raked up a whole load of issues, regression and generally set me back a few steps knocked me on my arse.

Before putting up the bed I felt massively homesick. Not for the house I shared with the ex (so that’s good) but for my house with my folks. Had I not had a friend staying with me (who has been, and continues to be amazing) I think I may have packed a bag and headed to theirs for the evening.

This weekend also saw me missing the ex more than I have for a while. I don’t know if it’s because he shared his plans for the weekend; I had BD and he made a passing comment about how it was going to be a heavy one with the lads – stag do! Whereas I am very careful to only divulge that I am free or busy (most of the time). I can’t help but wonder why he told me. Yes, I know you are all screaming “he is just making conversation” and me, if it helps I am screaming it at myself. But then there are the other trains of thought “does he want to make me jealous?” “Is it because he has no one else to share it with” or the more likely “is he just an insensitive jerk who doesn’t realise what knowing does to me?”

Knowing his plans, make it feel like it did. I feel like he is away for the weekend but will come back. He will come back to me. And I know he won’t. And I know I he can’t. But part of me wishes there was a way. Like you see in those romantic films when they realise they have been a jerk and fly across the world to win back the one they let go of.

I know he won’t.

But yet I want him to. (Part of me wants him to)

I don’t know if part of the problem is not knowing why. I like to be able to figure things out and this is one riddle that I can’t. I have no idea how he could leave me so easily. Hell I have no idea if it was easy, when I don’t think he is an ass I at least give him the credit to having thought long and hard and struggled with this. But other days it feels as if I was nothing, those are the days when I am being less charitable to him, and me.
I’m scared to take a risk again, knowing I was left that easy.

I’m scared to take a risk again, not knowing what went on. What I need to put right next time.

I thought love was enough. I believed the Disney films and the fairy stories. Now I wonder what is love?

Does love even exist, or is it all just a hormone imbalance brought about by species survival?!

I’m back here again

I miss him. Even today, when I have spent the full day flirting with another guy. I miss him so much I feel sick and could burst into tears.

I have found someone new and lovely.Let’s called him Bob. However in true how do I pick them style, Bob is a divorced father of two who is old than him and his eldest daughter is only a few years younger than me. Don’t worry I know that this is never going to be anything. But Bob is being sweet, attentive and reminding me of him when we first got together.

Their sense of humour is very similar, the conversations are very similar to the first conversations we had, and it is killing me! Hell, they even have very similar jobs. They have similar likes, in fact the only thing they don’t have in common is that Bob thinks he is an idiot for ending it with me, whereas he…well who the hell knows what he’s thinking. All I know is I didn’t mean enough that he fought for me, for us.

I feel like I’m in a catch 22. Until I find someone new, I won’t begin to get over him, but before I don’t feel I can find someone new until I have moved on. I would hate to be 4 years down the line and say “we met too soon” after the previous relationship – I’ve received that conversation and it’s no fun!

I don’t know if part of this is panic that things are finishing on my house. I know have a completion date. And although this does get me uber excited, it also scares the hell out of me. It’s as if I had somehow marked certain situations that would bring him back. His birthday, my birthday, our 4 year anniversary, Christmas, Valentines Day… yet he doesn’t come back. I know he isn’t going to, but I still want him back. Even after everything, all I want is for him to take me in his arms and make it all ok. Because he could. If he really wanted to he could turn up on my doorstep right this second and begin to make everything ok. Only he won’t. He doesn’t want to. And that also makes me feel sick.

Enough already!

It’s only Tuesday and already this week is keeping my arse. I’ve spent more Valentines days single than I have in a relationship and I know that it’s just a mass over commercialised holiday but it still sucks that I’m alone. I knew that after the loveliness that was last year. We treated ourselves to a box at the opera, with a red rose, champagne and a night at a hotel. It was lovely. I’m still struggling to comprehend that that was less than 12 months ago.

This week has seen a big family meal and a family birthday both of which has seen me doubled over in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t want to move on. I know I deserve better. I know that some of the stunts he pulled should have had me kicking him out, in fact I often wondered if he was being an ass to see if I would leave but I still want him and my life with him.

I’m about to start the next chapter of my life, I’ve sort of got a completion date for the house, but in my head when I move I’m going home, to my lovely house in the country, where I had bd every night and came home to him. But I’m not and it’s killing me

Give me a break

It’s the 30th of January and I’m already sick to the death of Valentines Day. I knew this year would be shit; I knew I was going to be anti love and romance for a while. I knew that everyone complains that shops start bringing in their themed gifts far too early and so it wouldn’t just be about surviving the 14th. But my god people and companies are really starting to take the piss!

You might ask what has unleashed this hatred of companies? well I will tell you. I was just reading a very lovely blog all about why you should switch to a tablet (computer thing not actually tablets, although they may be more help!) and this company created a fun little info-graphic explaining how to survive Valentines day.

Surprisingly their valentines survival tips were not got massively drunk, learn how to make voodoo dolls and remember it’s only one day created to make money by some faceless corporation. Instead they decided to point out how having a tablet will make Valentines day just super special and perfect. I am not going to link to it, because I hate them and will not give it further publicity – ha ha! Take that and feel my wrath!

The Valentines Survival List was:

1. Have Champagne and listen to music – Not a bad tip. I will. But I will listen to it on my ipod which has never judged me for being single and alone!

2. Cook a special dinner together – again this did not make me want to kill them. However the idea that anyone would be ok with spilling sauce on their tablet because they are just ‘so loved up’. If i do this I will be using my none judgmental, stained many times over, cooking books!

3. Surprise your partner by showing romantic photos on the TV. – Now we are starting to get a little bit close to the nerve. I don’t have a partner and currently any attempt to view our old holiday photos results in tears and a howl. This one I will give a miss!

4. Capture magical moments by taking photos – seriously who does that? And surely because of convenience you would reach for your phone?! Your friendly, number of the prat deleted, phone. When I was in love and snuggling on the sofa my tablet was safely away in case I knock it off the arm or something as it cost a small fortune!!

5. Watch a film together in bed – If iIam watching a film I will do it on the 11 inch TV in my bedroom that was bought for the purpose not try and see it on a small screen. I’m sorry but sometimes size does matter!

They then finish by suggesting if you don’t have a tablet the above were reasons why you should race out and buy one now. Who wants chocolate, flowers or a thought about personalised gift hey?

Next year, when I am loved up, living in my dream house with prince charming and all our money, if he hands me a lovingly selected and gift wrapped present to celebrate our first valentines day together, and it turns out to be a tablet to do fun, romantic activities with……. I will shy it at his head!!!

How can he do this to me?

That is the one question I have avoided asking throughout this entire process. I have had people ‘helpfully’ point out that if he really loves.. (loved?).. me then he shouldn’t have put me through this. However I have always answered “because he needs so space to sort his head out, he has been hurt and he is now trying to fix himself so that he can possibly fix us” or “we couldn’t go on as we were, I was doubting his feelings for me, he was withdrawn and grumpy…we need this. It’ll do us good” and although I still strongly believe this in my heart last night I muttered the immortal words “how can he do this to me” while stood outside the house I used to live in, sobbing uncontrollably and feeling my heartbreak into even smaller fragments.

Yesterday morning I got a text from OH ironically saying that he hadn’t slept at all last night and so would not be able to the 30 minutes journey to pick up BD from my parents house so that I could see him. However generously he did say that I could collect him and walk him around the village that I used to call home, in the dark, alone, praying not to run into any of the neighbours to have to explain why I was there! All day the decision chewed me up, but I decided that I wanted to see BD. I already feel like I have let him down massively, and to not come and see him last night was not an option. So I drove home.

BD greeted me happily at the door and hurried to bring me inside the house, I stood on the doorstep, unable to look OH in the face as I tool BDs lead and told him I wouldn’t be long. I couldn’t face the village so instead I headed down a track to a local field. BD ran around like a crazy thing and loved every minute, he chased sticks (yep even in the dark he wanted to play with sticks) chased sniffs, and ran around like a loon, occasionally barking loudly at me when my sobbing got too loud – this is always his way to cheer someone up, although it will then involve a tennis ball and some growls! (Please don’t think I sobbed the entire time – just a few minutes here and there of heart wrenching, stand still whole body shaking tears, then I would resume playing and talking to BD). It was during one of these moments that I muttered the words, although to who I don’t know.

The break-up I get, the time apart, the burying his feeling over the last relationship and letting it screw up ours, the completely ruining my life fine, but to be so selfish and/or thoughtless that I had to go through that last night…..?


A picture of my carrot cupcakes, to end on something a bit more yummy!

I’m so excited!!

Tonight I get to see BD, and ok it will only be for a few hours but I am looking forward to it so much that I couldn’t sleep last night.

I am worried however that seeing him for a few hours is a completely selfish act? Am I not better to let him forget all about me? Will it be too traumatic for him to see me and have to leave me again? Will it hurt me to much to see BD and OH?

I am hoping that the weather will be nice so we can go on a nice walk, but I am a complete wuss and so if it is too dark we will just stay at my parents, play with Mitys toys and cuddle on the floor. Mity and BD have always gotten on fine, until one day I let my guard down and BD had a growl at Mity – I will never forgive myself for that laps in judgement as now they are only ever so slightly on edge when they are together. Or are they, my dad had them both one day while I took mum shopping and he said they were fine together so I hope I’m not putting an edgy feeling into the room?

I just want the few hours I have with BD to be amazing, and not to have to worry – I love him so much! OH said to me would I be as upset about the break-up if I wasn’t loosing the dog and house as well, and I must admit this is something I have thought about.

I am trying not to put too much emphasis on tonight in terms of me and OH. I have had friends advise me to look my best, remind him what he is missing, I have had other people tell me not to do this and cut them both out of my life forever, one friend told me to dress smart casual and when I suggested skinny jeans and a hoody the comment back was “do it you have a great arse” so things aren’t all bad! However I do know I will be gutted when he doesn’t fall on his knees and beg me to take him back and there is a tiny part of me that is questioning if my need to see BD is tied in to my need to see OH? Although I know that if OH wasn’t dropping him off I would still want to see him, but hey I like to stress and analyse every scenario!

One of my friends has strongly advised me against tonight, saying that if I want OH back I should completely cut him out of my life for the next three months otherwise how will he know that he wants me? This makes me sad, angry, concerned and worried. Why when it comes to something as life changing as matters of the heart do we have to play games? Why do you have to play hard to get to get the guy? Why do boys from a young age decide pushing a girl over in the playground is the way to show you care?

Why is it so wrong to wear your heart on your sleeve?

Do I need him to say ‘I love you?’

I was pondering this question this morning while cycling to work, yes despite the fact I had set off late and was killing myself trying to get to work on time I still had time to ponder questions, or should that be worry about stuff?!

Last night I was watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, I have to admit I am a massive Bridget Jones fan and can’t wait for the new book/film (am I right thinking both are coming out?) and I was watching the part where Colin Firth chases Hugh Grant around the fountain and I couldn’t help thinking would OH do that for me? When I was single the result of a night of romantic films and a night in was falling asleep with my arms wrapped round a pillow dreaming of the day I would be falling asleep with a guy next to me who loved me so much I was his world… now that I am in a relationship I have a rather more annoying response of lying on OHs chest and asking him repeatedly if he loves me enough to fly across the world to break me out of jail, chase Hugh Grant around a fountain to protect my honour… you get the idea. However last night OH refused to tell me he loved me, this resulted in me going to bed in a huff rather than in a cloud of fluffiness and love which should be the result of a good romantic film!

This morning OH announced as he was walking out the door that he was taking my car into work (I had chosen to cycle, he did not just steal my car) to see if he could sort out my tyres for me because they have been leaking and squeaking every time I corner. The other day I sent him a quick text saying I didn’t feel well and he arrived home with flowers to cheer me up, he drops my lunch into work if I ever forget it, when work was flooded he drove past my work every day to make sure I could get home, before we lived together for an entire week he took over 20 miles detour to pick me up in a morning to take me to work so I didn’t have to drive in the snow and on my last drunken night out he drove for an hour to pick me up at 1am in the morning so that I could drink and not have to drive.

If actions speak louder than words… why do I get so hung up on the need to hear him say ‘I love you?’