He’s replaced me

At first I was worried that the tears meant I still cared.  I didn’t want them but I couldn’t stop them from coming.  The news that he was taking her on our holiday. ..

But then I realised that these weren’t tears for what has gone, for him or because I wanted him back. No these tears fell because I was disappointed in him.  I know on paper it has been almost a year and a half since we broke up, yet it hasn’t been a full year since we stopped sleep in together,  12 months haven’t passed without him claiming  to be in love with me. I know they will come, but they haven’t yet, and to find out he will be spending his first valentines day with her on the holiday we had planned on taking together (before he woke up one morning and just said enough)…

It’s the lack of thought; or maybe the realisation I just don’t factor into his thought process at all now. I don’t know.  I just feel the memory of us, of what we had deserves more. I know he had to move on, but to move on so fast, so quickly.  Makes me worry I was nothing. That I was taken in, played for a fool.  Did he ever mean it when he told me he loved me?

Or is he still struggling like I am. Does he realise there’s no going back but struggle moving forwards.  Is she nothing but an attempt at getting over me?

I knew the holiday would never happen.  For all the times we talked about it I never started to save.  I never saw it as any more than a pipe dream. I assumed he’d visit there again,  after all he had been there without me and loved it. But not so soon….

I’ll just have to chalk this up as another reason to hate him. I tried not.  I don’t want to hate.  But right now hating him is the only choice I have.

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another small step forward!

So I did it. I have officially set off on vacation without him and I’ve managed it with only three sets of tears which (over share warning) when you take into account I came on this morning and am so at my most emotional I don’t think is too bad. When you take into account this morning was the morning the prat changed him mind and decided that he wanted back my house key – I think I did pretty spectacularly!! Although I do not let myself into and out of the house when he is about, and I know where he hides the spare keys for when he isn’t! I did ask when we separated he broke my heart if I could keep the key, not as a keepsake of the relationship but because the house was my very first house said I wanted to keep it as a momento and that has never been an issue until now. I don’t know what’s changed in his life to change his mind!

Anyway, so the holiday another thing ticked off my list, another thing I’ve been forced to face because he was a coward that gave up to easy.
The really heartache is that he would have loved this place. Log cabin within the vacinity (but not close enough to be near lots if people) of the lake districts. I can see him sat next to me gazing at the view, I can see bd lying in the small gated garden (well I could if they allowed dogs), I can see us enjoying my amazing double bed and the extremely large bath tub made for two….. I hate missing him. I am so beyond aware that he doesn’t deserve these tears, and yet they still come. The pain still comes. I want to hate him, I need to hate him. But how?

Hating him with every Holiday

He’s off on holiday AGAIN, and every time he goes I find I hate him a little bit more!!

For me, the idea of holidaying without him has me in tears (regardless of where I am) and I can’t bare the idea of not exploring the rest of the world with him. I loved finding new forests to walk in, rivers to swim and and generally relax under the stars with a glass of wine after a lovely day of firsts. Even now the idea of doing this without him KILLS ME! I’m not talking a mild upset, it brings tears to my eyes and I genuinely have no holiday plans for the near or distance future because it just hurts too darn much.

He, it would appear, does not have this same problem. The weekend I moved out, he left for a weeks holiday with the lads and since then I have had a few texts about either looking after BD when he is away or me not being able to see him when I would like because they are away. He’s been camping, he’s been skiing. In fact he went skiing in the resort we visited together and thought it would be lovely to send me a picture message of the picnic spot where we spent an afternoon lazying in the sun. (To any men out there who has recently broken someone’s heart – that is not a good idea!!!)

I am trying to get on with my life. I do not want to spend my life alone but even now I am missing him so much it hurts and I think about him, wonder about what he is doing almost every minute of every day.

However, when he does something insensitive and stupid, like booking another “how amazing is my life without you ” holiday, I find a little bit of me starts to hate him.

2 Mini’s & a Jimny cause a breakdown

One of the many things that I am struggling with at the moment is who entwined our lives were with each other. The cereal I have on a morning, is the one that OH introduced me to and I am now addicted to. The way I make my salad up for lunch, is because OH was so fussy about having his salad a certain way.

We had started picking up on each others habits and worryingly we were slowly turning into each other. OH has picked up a few of my often used phrases…”massively”….. “the problem is”….. and my personal favourite was the time he mutter “uh oh spaghetti oh’s” when he was out rock-climbing with his friends and lost his footing. (I am very impressed there weren’t more expletives – there would have been for me!)

And I picked up 101 little things which when I say or do I wait to tell him, look around to see his reaction knowing he will laugh only he’s not there any more.

One of the many things OH has given me is the love of the outdoors and the drive to spend my evenings out on my bike, walking the dog through beautiful countryside or swimming in a river. I am scared that with winter coming, I am going to loose this motivation and spend my evenings as a couch potato – it was only last night that I went to bed at 8am and watched mind-numbingly bad television for a few hours until bedtime. When we lived together, I would have walked the dog, made lunch, played with the dog and then if nothing was on we would have gone for an early night (get your minds out of the gutter) and read our books.

I am worried that people think I should be over it, the move out was a long time coming, and it has been a week. I’ll meet someone new, and live happily ever after – although well meant it is those comments that cut the deepest. Had we spent months arguing… if we were splitting up for a good reason… if we had both just stopped loving each other.. then I could tell myself to be strong, to move on. But the truth is he still loves me and I am still in love with him.

The days continue to pass, and annoyingly I am counting down until he returns from holiday and takes me home. I worry that I am in so much denial. However there are times when it all gets too much and I break down, when the tears fall and I am sobbing uncontrollably – at least I feel that is healthy!

When OH and I went on our first holiday together we hired a Jimny, and had two amazing days discovering Fuerteventura. We saw everything, including the local rubbish tip, and returned home vowing that the next car we bought would be a Jimny. From that holiday forwards, every time we saw a Jimny we would point it out to each other and laugh. Prior to the split, I have pointed a Jimny out to other friends and family members, but they just don’t get it… now I see a Jimny and feel a small stab in my chest, and it goes by unmentioned.

On our final holiday, I taught OH the game ‘Mini-punch’ if you haven’t played it then you are missing out. It is a game my sister and I used to play as children. The rules are very simple the first person to spot a mini punches the other person in the arm (you can decide how hard, I will admit when playing this with OH my punches were significantly harder, and sometimes without a mini in sight – but he broke my heart so to-ma-toes to-mar-toes right?!) The only rule is you can’t punch for the same mini and a mis-identification results in the wrong party receiving two punches. OH and I added our own rules, that spotting an original mini results in 5 punches, and we took to counting how many mini’s had driven past us that day. (If you do decide to play this game feel free to add your own.)

Playing ‘Mini-punch’ means that not only can I now identify a mini at 100 paces, but I can identify them in the dark (although that was slightly more fluke and good luck!) The negative to this game is that now it is not only Jimny’s which give me the chest pains.

I wouldn’t trade the memories I have for all the tea in china, and once the pain has gone I usually smile at the brilliant memories I have. But the other day, watching two mini’s and then a Jimny drive past………….

Breaking with every beat

OH told me this last night, and then said he was so impressed with it I could use it on my blog – well that’s good enough for me!

I have been in two minds about whether or not to post this all day, but I am hoping it will help for me to put this out there and hopefully means I can pull myself together enough to enjoy the next two weeks.

OH and I are going on a ‘make or break’ trip away to see if we can see a way through all the shit and somehow save our relationship, or you can come up with some earth shattering advice to save us. I wish I could tell you he is a b*$%*&%d and that it will be the best day of my life when we separate and go our separate way, however that is simply not the case…

Being with OH has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, I am a better person than I have ever been and the relationship has been more than I ever thought a relationship could be.

He has been massively hurt in the past, and I have told him I think he fears commitment, I have told him getting married is not important to me, but the stumbling block is I want kids and he doesn’t.

The Christmas presents and birthday present I have already bought are now hidden away, and I don’t know if I will be with him to give them to him on those special days. Our big trip away in December to celebrate his birthday is now up in the air, the time already booked off work…

Honestly, I am already moving myself out the house he says knowing that I would be sacrificing so much to stay in a relationship with him makes him unhappy, the last thing I want to do is force him to stay in a relationship that makes him unhappy so…..

Is love enough to overcome everything? What do you do if it isn’t?