De-nile…not just a river in Egypt

So after a quick Google search to ensure that the Nile is in Egypt, which lead to a further search to see if Egypt was in Africa – and I got a B in Geography GCSE!!…

Yep sorry folks I went there! Turns out that not only in de-Nile a river in Egypt, which according to Wikipedia is in Africa (every day is a school day!) but it is also a spare room, in a semi-detached in Yorkshire. Sometime yesterday or early this morning I realised that I am living in complete and utter denial about my situation. The move out came about last weekend when OH was out of the country with his friends, and so I was the one who stood outside at 5am in the morning and watched him drive away with BD in the boot of the car, went back into the house and fall apart. (I won’t repeat the name one of my friends called OH when I told her this was the plan!)

At first I thought it made perfect sense for me to move out the weekend he was away with his friends, we had dates in our diaries for a couple of weekend prior which we were attending as a couple(ish) and so why not move out once all that was over with. Plus it meant that I got to spend a few more weeks living in my house, with BD and him, enjoying my life…..

As the weeks passed and we slipped back into living as we had post holiday, I think my denial of the situation grew… but you see you don’t walk hand in hand across fields if you don’t love each other right? You don’t fall asleep on their shoulder every evening if there are problems? You don’t still make love, if you’re leaving? but we did. Many times I turned to OH and said I can’t believe this is happening….

The split we are going through is complicated! OH has told me he still loves me, I have asked if the love has changed… if he sees me more as a friend… a sister… but he says not. I have asked if there was anything about me I could change….(yes I went there) he assured me I perfect. I asked what was going on in his head, and the explanation was “I have locked part of myself away after my past relationships screwed me up, and until I can unlock that part of your self, and love you as fully as you love me, then I do not deserve to be with you, and it is making me miserable” (Ok not a direct quote, but you get the gist!)

So now my life is on hold, I don’t and can’t hate him…. I want him to be happy! but I can’t move on from this pain, this agonising hurt or start to feel anything but numb until I know where his head. I am not going to wait forever, and I have given him the deadline of 31st Dec (rather poetic I thought!) so for now I just wait….

The problem is…knowing that he is on holiday…knowing that on Saturday he will come home for the first time to our empty house I have somehow gotten it into my head that this means on Saturday night he will come back to me, that he will be outside my door begging for me to come back. This feeling inside is helping me get up in the morning, and reduced the number of crying fits I am having.

The sensible part of me knows that that will not happen, but the majority of me…the part that hoped we would be getting married in Dec rather than separating in October… is holding onto this hope with every fibre and I don’t know what I am going to do when he doesn’t.

I’m going back

As previously hinted at, but generally skipped over, I have been bullied in the past. I am not talking about the bullying I had at school, which was name calling and the usual childhood stuff (whether or not that sentence is alright is the time for another post!)

When I came out of Uni I landed my dream job, I was making a difference in working my butt off every day, men in uniforms would often pop into my office and I loved it. However about 6 months in things started to go wrong, suddenly I was accused of making mistakes that I hadn’t made, being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, told I wasn’t working hard enough and told that no body liked me.

This lead to initially me skipping eating and drinking at work, as my first thought was if I can’t get through everything I need to then I can’t afford to take breaks, I was putting in longer hours, triple checking everything…… I used to dread going into work, I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, and one day while driving down the A1 I had the thought “if I just turn my wheel slightly I will hit the barrier and then maybe I can have a few weeks so!” believe it or not at no point did I realise I was being bullied, I thought it was me.

Another big thing was being told I didn’t fit in, this was done by my one ‘friend’ or so I thought, my male boss who had a daughter my age, this lead to me going out of my way to try and get people to like me, I baked cakes, I made tea and coffee and panicked constantly, if I stopped to take a break and get to know people then my work won’t be done, but if I don’t they won’t like me. I was a mess.

The thing that really did my head in was that every one was being so lovely to my face, they even all came out for my birthday lunch (which I spent months freaking out about holding, but it was an office tradition) but on a near daily basis my boss was telling me no one liked me, they talked about me behind my back, I was letting them down…!

Finally I could take it no more, and I went to the union who told me that they thought I was being bullied, not that I was shit at my job. I broke down, I was relieved, upset, emotionally knackered and generally screwed up.

Long story short, I took it to a disciplinary where massive changes were made in relation to the workings of the office I was in, including the boss being moved into a shared office with his senior management, but I was told there was no bullying (Numerous colleagues stood up to back that I was being bullied and I have since learnt three of my colleagues have also left, with bullying as their reason for leaving, but ‘officially’ there was no bullying!). Three different doctors told me I could not go back into that office for health reasons and so when I met with HR (who were worse than crap) I was left with no option but to hand in my notice (they would not let me move to another office, despite requests from various people to have me go work for them) and on Christmas eve after 5 years of this shit I walked away from the job I had trained for.

18 months down the line I am in a new job, but my gremlins are still there, and worse they are now starting to affect my life at present including my relationship with OH. I have made the decision to return to counselling, I had it when this kicked off and they were great but I am not coping any more. My problem is by going back I can’t help but feel like he, my boss, has won.

This one guy has being significantly responsible for fucking up my life, and yet I would bet he doesn’t even spare me a second thought.

Why blog?

I initially started this blog for all the wrong reasons, I wanted to make money from it!! I currently work in social media (sort of) and I spend my days looking at amazing blogs knwoing that people can stay at home and make a living from blogging and I was jealous and thought if they can do it why can’t I?!

To begin with, I was keeping it all very secretive – my about me page contained nothing but cryptic clues as I didn’t want anyone to find out this is me, and I had written what I thought people may want to read rather than what I actually wanted to put. However have spent a couple of hours reading some blogs from some very inspirational women I have decided to start again. So here is attempt two (which is shocking considering this will be my third post!)

Here I will now share what I want to share, rather than what I think needs sharing. *Deep breath*

Part of the reason I didn’t want to share too much is because I was/am ashamed to admit I am a mess. I had a plan for my life you see – nothing concrete, just an idea of how I wanted it to be and it involved me going to Uni, doing a course with a specific job in the end, getting a job at the end of it and then working my way up the career ladder until I reached as far up as I wanted to go, before jumping off to become a full time mum. However, it went so very wrong when having worked my ass of to get a good degree, and got a great job, my boss took a dislike to me and uttered the words “I am going to get rid of her!” Well it took the bastard (sorry but justified) three years and I had an almost complete mental break down, but in the end he did! I fought it to the bitter end, however he won and sometimes I feel like he is still winning.

So now this is my blog where I will be open and honest and unafraid – I still don’t know how I will cope being completely honest (for example my OH has a female friend who I really can’t stand – she is a b^*@^. there is a story there for another time, and he still hasn’t twigged I can’t stand her and he thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread…..) but my hopes for it has now changed, and if it can’t make me rich, maybe somewhere along the line it will make me better!!