What I did…

I couldn’t help but check out the mutual friends’ profile, where I saw numerous comments about Mr and Mrs …. And so I sent him a text.

I know; hardly a big deal but for me it was. You see my first thought, after the initial bastard thought was I had to know. It’s really hard to explain but there is still a little bit of me that feels that link to him, that we are joined, that he is the one. I don’t want him back, he doesn’t deserve the chance to come back. But deep down, in the pit of my stomach, the bit that makes me ‘me’ I still feel us. Somewhere buried deep, there is a box. I wrapped it around my heart to try and catch the fragments when he ripped my heart apart. I used that boxes to catch what I could and then I put a lid on it. I had to. Putting the lid on it meant I was able to get out of bed and function. Then, worryingly, as the online dating thing has progressed and I have started to open that lid a little, imagine life with someone else, I have found that the spark of desire still burns for him. I start having dreams of the future, think about holding hands, having sex… but it is his hand I reach for in my dreams. His… well I’ll let you fill in that blank. So I close the lid again. It’s the only way I have found to carry on.

I am hoping that this will finally break that link. I don’t want it there. I don’t want him back. The man I loved DID NOT EXSIST. Dear God, I want this to be the final straw that breaks the camels back and I am finally free to move on.

So I sent him a text.

However, before hitting send I did have a brief argument with myself where I worried about becoming ‘that’ ex. I don’t want to be seen as the crazy stalker and then I even worried I would ruin his holiday and he would think I was giving him hassle and get all stressed and grumpy.

Yes, read that again. Whilst (potentially) finding out that less than 12 months after telling me he would always love me, I find out the man who promised me a forever had married someone else and I hesitated from sending him a text so as not to ruin his holiday. Sometimes I want to slap myself!!

So I sent him a short and sweet text asking if there is anything he had to tell me, which I shouldn’t have had to find out about on Facebook.

I’m not expecting any sort of response, but I am proud of myself for putting me first.

However, this whole episode has highlighted that I am still struggling to move on. And this has me worried for two reasons. One the ex has never gotten over his ex. It was a shadow over our relationship, and knowing him as well as I may (although, as this goes on I wonder if I ever really knew him) if he has done the deed in Vegas I strongly suspect it is more to do with his ex getting re-married that him wanting to get married to this lady (honestly, you could write a soap!) I worry that there are some people you just can’t get over – is he mine? And the more worrying is a few people have commented that I can’t move on while I still have contact with him, and that contact comes about because of the very lovely BD.

The tough question I have been worried about asking for a while now is do I have to put myself first and walk away from my dog? I don’t want to. If anyone can come up with any tips, hints or ways to move on while keeping contact then please I am all ears.

The ex took so much from me. I really really don’t want to have to add Bd to that list!

 

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