A bad head space

Yep, I didn’t think it was possible, and I really wanted to bring some light into this little corner of blogville but it would appear that when I thought I had hit rock bottom, I find there is even further to fall and I can feel even shitter than I did.

You know your best friend, that person you can pick up the phone to any time of the day or night? who picks you for their team at school despite knowing that your can’t swing a bat to save your life? Yeah that person….I don’t have one. All through school there were people who I became close to and would consider a best mate, then I would come across someone who was feeling lonely and I would invite them to come and play with me and my friend and suddenly the two of them would have play dates that I wouldn’t be invited to, forget to tell me about something that was planned, slowly I would feel more and more like a third wheel and so in the end I stopped trying. Yes the final decision was my own, but I didn’t feel wanted or needed and so I would go off on my own, find another friend and the pattern would repeat!

No I would like to tell you I am over reacting, but this happened at least once that I can think of at Primary School, twice in Secondary School and even happened first year of uni – I’m not going to name names, but I could that is how much this has bothered me.

Last night I went to my amateur dramatics group (yes I am one of those people) and despite arriving with a good friend, whose house I was staying at later that evening. I must have been in a negative mood when I arrived because my friend was first through the door and so was engulfed in hugs, while I stood there waiting my turn. I know this shouldn’t have bothered me but it did. It could have been that it was my first time back since splitting with OH, that made me extra sensitive but I felt left out and from there it was a downwards spiral, I found myself feeling on the edge of conversations and even being ignored or talked over when I said something. It got to the point that when we sat down for tea break I was uber aware that having sat down first people filed in next to me one at a time, but always sitting next to the other person – I was on the edge looking at other people sharing jokes and laughing.

It didn’t help that I came home to some Facebook emails which only helped to pray on these feelings, the first is that one of my friends has yet again double booked himself and so was suggesting he cancelled me. An evening out was suggested around the town that OH used to live in. This town is a good 40 minutes from us, and is in the middle of no-where yet a group of my friends for the first time ever has decided that they want to go and explore this place – did not one of them think that this might be hard for me??

My other issue is my sister has unfortunately been worse than shit since my break up. The weekend I moved out she was amazing but since then the only thing she has done is tell me OH clearly never loved me and made vague offers of having me round to hers but never actually set a date. When I discussed me buying a house and put the suggestion to her or her and her partner coming up for a full weekend (Fri – Sun) once she said…”well no we wouldn’t do that but I would come and see you odd evenings!”

My sister and I have never gotten on, in fact the only time we don’t argue is when we don’t see each other – this is something she will openly admit also. All through school we clearly had our own groups of friends, and when our friends (who had siblings with the same age gap as my sister and I) started ‘hanging out’ together, the one thing my sister and I could agree on was that we didn’t want to hang out with each other and each others friends.

However recently she seems to have forgotten this I have a Uni friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years who is coming back to the UK for one night only. Now this sounds petty (and probably is) but he is my Uni friend, he got to know my sister in the short time he lived not far from me and I would have him round for the night and because I was living with my folks and my sister he got to know her, but he was my friend. However on this one night only when I have a chance to have a proper catch up and see him she’s coming and I know it sounds awful but I don’t want her there – she has her work colleagues, her multiple friends, her successful relationship, her house with her partner, must she take my few friends as well?

I know I am being pathetic, but it would appear that everywhere I am turning at the moment brings up more proof to the fact that I am over looked – noticed from last nights drama meeting were circulated this morning, and everything was on there…except the clothing issue that I mentioned. (A quick text to the person sending out the notice confirmed that he had just overlooked me and he was sorry) I walk into the office and no-one says good morning, and I go to sit out my desk. The lay out of our office is no different to any other office, the desks are nested together around the office with two groups of two, a group of four, and then one solitary desk alone in the corner….anyone want to guess who is sat at the loan desk?

P.s This head state lead to me texting OH at 1am this morning with three simple words “I Miss You”, as he is the only person ever who has put me first – he hasn’t responded!