Now what am I going to do?

It’s 9.05am and I am already sick to death of my job and counting down the hours until I can leave. Which is case you were wondering is 7 hours 55 minutes or 453 minutes or if you would prefer 27180 seconds.

I always wanted to do something that mattered with me life. I studied hard(ish) I went to Uni, passed my degree with a 2:1 and then got a job in the role I had trained very hard for. So the job wasn’t quite as I imagined, but on the whole I was doing a job that mattered. The long hours I put in, well for a start they got a guy locked up for assault for 5 years and I loved that my job mattered. I mattered.

Then the bullying worsened and I went through hell. The mind games my then boss played on me… well let’s just say they still affect me to this day and I am still having counselling as a result. I was advised by 3 different doctors that for health reasons I could never return to that work environment, and when my employer decided not to properly investigate my bullying complaint I was let with no choice. I told them where to stick their job and on Christmas eve I walked out. I was a mess. The guy had bullied any feeling of confidence or self-worth out of me. I felt I couldn’t do the job I had studied hard for; I felt I couldn’t do anything.

I did some part time jobs waiting for something more permanent and then I saw an advert for the place I currently work, and you wanna know why I applied for it? Because it was close to where the ex worked and I hoped it would one day lead to us living together. Yep, it was only months into our relationship and yet I was so confident that he was the one that I applied for a job which (yes I am going to sound big headed, but it was pointed out in my interview so…) I was significantly over-qualified for.

This place hasn’t all been bad. The people are lovely, and I do have days where I really love my job. I have been amazingly lucky that they have supported my development, sent me on courses and help me get my head slightly more together. However, I am aware for my current role I am significantly underpaid. This isn’t me just complaining I need more money, I have had a look at similar jobs and I am at least 30 grand under where I should be. I work stupidly long hours, which when taken into account with my current rate of pay I barely make minimum wage and all of that wouldn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for the fact that at the end of the day I’m working my ass off to make some rich people richer.
I have been unhappy for a long time. I have attended interviews at other companies but I worry that will leave me in the same place, granted with more money, but still doing a pointless job.
Then one day I came up with a plan. He had bought a house he could afford without my wage (part of the security he needed for when we lived together) and so my plan was to discuss with him my returning to Uni to retrain. I had it all planned, I would need him to support me while I became a full time student again (although I wouldn’t give up work fully, so that I could still contribute to the house) and then when I qualified and got a decent job we would both be financially better off and I would be doing a job I loved. It felt like a win win situation.

Only I never got to put that plan to him. We never did have that conversation. And now I am alone with a mortgage to pay and I feel trapped. I need a monthly pay check. I am barely going to be able to cope to cover the bills when I do finally move into my house and I feel trapped.

Trapped in a job I don’t like.

Trapped in a life I don’t want.

A bad head space

Yep, I didn’t think it was possible, and I really wanted to bring some light into this little corner of blogville but it would appear that when I thought I had hit rock bottom, I find there is even further to fall and I can feel even shitter than I did.

You know your best friend, that person you can pick up the phone to any time of the day or night? who picks you for their team at school despite knowing that your can’t swing a bat to save your life? Yeah that person….I don’t have one. All through school there were people who I became close to and would consider a best mate, then I would come across someone who was feeling lonely and I would invite them to come and play with me and my friend and suddenly the two of them would have play dates that I wouldn’t be invited to, forget to tell me about something that was planned, slowly I would feel more and more like a third wheel and so in the end I stopped trying. Yes the final decision was my own, but I didn’t feel wanted or needed and so I would go off on my own, find another friend and the pattern would repeat!

No I would like to tell you I am over reacting, but this happened at least once that I can think of at Primary School, twice in Secondary School and even happened first year of uni – I’m not going to name names, but I could that is how much this has bothered me.

Last night I went to my amateur dramatics group (yes I am one of those people) and despite arriving with a good friend, whose house I was staying at later that evening. I must have been in a negative mood when I arrived because my friend was first through the door and so was engulfed in hugs, while I stood there waiting my turn. I know this shouldn’t have bothered me but it did. It could have been that it was my first time back since splitting with OH, that made me extra sensitive but I felt left out and from there it was a downwards spiral, I found myself feeling on the edge of conversations and even being ignored or talked over when I said something. It got to the point that when we sat down for tea break I was uber aware that having sat down first people filed in next to me one at a time, but always sitting next to the other person – I was on the edge looking at other people sharing jokes and laughing.

It didn’t help that I came home to some Facebook emails which only helped to pray on these feelings, the first is that one of my friends has yet again double booked himself and so was suggesting he cancelled me. An evening out was suggested around the town that OH used to live in. This town is a good 40 minutes from us, and is in the middle of no-where yet a group of my friends for the first time ever has decided that they want to go and explore this place – did not one of them think that this might be hard for me??

My other issue is my sister has unfortunately been worse than shit since my break up. The weekend I moved out she was amazing but since then the only thing she has done is tell me OH clearly never loved me and made vague offers of having me round to hers but never actually set a date. When I discussed me buying a house and put the suggestion to her or her and her partner coming up for a full weekend (Fri – Sun) once she said…”well no we wouldn’t do that but I would come and see you odd evenings!”

My sister and I have never gotten on, in fact the only time we don’t argue is when we don’t see each other – this is something she will openly admit also. All through school we clearly had our own groups of friends, and when our friends (who had siblings with the same age gap as my sister and I) started ‘hanging out’ together, the one thing my sister and I could agree on was that we didn’t want to hang out with each other and each others friends.

However recently she seems to have forgotten this I have a Uni friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years who is coming back to the UK for one night only. Now this sounds petty (and probably is) but he is my Uni friend, he got to know my sister in the short time he lived not far from me and I would have him round for the night and because I was living with my folks and my sister he got to know her, but he was my friend. However on this one night only when I have a chance to have a proper catch up and see him she’s coming and I know it sounds awful but I don’t want her there – she has her work colleagues, her multiple friends, her successful relationship, her house with her partner, must she take my few friends as well?

I know I am being pathetic, but it would appear that everywhere I am turning at the moment brings up more proof to the fact that I am over looked – noticed from last nights drama meeting were circulated this morning, and everything was on there…except the clothing issue that I mentioned. (A quick text to the person sending out the notice confirmed that he had just overlooked me and he was sorry) I walk into the office and no-one says good morning, and I go to sit out my desk. The lay out of our office is no different to any other office, the desks are nested together around the office with two groups of two, a group of four, and then one solitary desk alone in the corner….anyone want to guess who is sat at the loan desk?

P.s This head state lead to me texting OH at 1am this morning with three simple words “I Miss You”, as he is the only person ever who has put me first – he hasn’t responded!

it’s not fair!

I know, I know, life isn’t but right now I just want to stamp my foot, throw a toddler style tantrum and curl up under my duvet until sometime next year.

Turns out me living in my fantasy world of “maybe if I just pretend really hard” hasn’t had the desired affect and I am still looking at moving out of my house next weekend. I don’t want to put up lots of wallowing posts, but I’m struggling to put a positive spin on what is happening at the moment.

I keep telling myself, this will all be for the best in the long run… if we make it through this we will be stronger and all the disagreements we had previously… marriage, children, him unable or unwilling to commit … will be done and sorted. If we don’t then it just wasn’t meant to be, that there is someone better out there for both of us… but I’m sick of it, and I don’t buy the crap I’m spouting.

I was happier than I ever thought possible, with someone who I fell more and more in love with as I spent time with him. Living in our little house, with our dog, building a life in the country involving expensive wellies, mud and stunning scenery. A life that I never knew I wanted, but was everything I need.

I want to shout at someone, blame someone… this isn’t fair, I haven’t done anything wrong. In previous relationships there has been a reason as to why the end has come… my ex was controlling, another of my ex’s moved to Germany, his ex’s cheated… but I haven’t miss behaved, and according to OH he hasn’t stopped loving me. He just can’t commit… love me fully… see me every day..

It’s shit!

I’m going back

As previously hinted at, but generally skipped over, I have been bullied in the past. I am not talking about the bullying I had at school, which was name calling and the usual childhood stuff (whether or not that sentence is alright is the time for another post!)

When I came out of Uni I landed my dream job, I was making a difference in working my butt off every day, men in uniforms would often pop into my office and I loved it. However about 6 months in things started to go wrong, suddenly I was accused of making mistakes that I hadn’t made, being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, told I wasn’t working hard enough and told that no body liked me.

This lead to initially me skipping eating and drinking at work, as my first thought was if I can’t get through everything I need to then I can’t afford to take breaks, I was putting in longer hours, triple checking everything…… I used to dread going into work, I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, and one day while driving down the A1 I had the thought “if I just turn my wheel slightly I will hit the barrier and then maybe I can have a few weeks so!” believe it or not at no point did I realise I was being bullied, I thought it was me.

Another big thing was being told I didn’t fit in, this was done by my one ‘friend’ or so I thought, my male boss who had a daughter my age, this lead to me going out of my way to try and get people to like me, I baked cakes, I made tea and coffee and panicked constantly, if I stopped to take a break and get to know people then my work won’t be done, but if I don’t they won’t like me. I was a mess.

The thing that really did my head in was that every one was being so lovely to my face, they even all came out for my birthday lunch (which I spent months freaking out about holding, but it was an office tradition) but on a near daily basis my boss was telling me no one liked me, they talked about me behind my back, I was letting them down…!

Finally I could take it no more, and I went to the union who told me that they thought I was being bullied, not that I was shit at my job. I broke down, I was relieved, upset, emotionally knackered and generally screwed up.

Long story short, I took it to a disciplinary where massive changes were made in relation to the workings of the office I was in, including the boss being moved into a shared office with his senior management, but I was told there was no bullying (Numerous colleagues stood up to back that I was being bullied and I have since learnt three of my colleagues have also left, with bullying as their reason for leaving, but ‘officially’ there was no bullying!). Three different doctors told me I could not go back into that office for health reasons and so when I met with HR (who were worse than crap) I was left with no option but to hand in my notice (they would not let me move to another office, despite requests from various people to have me go work for them) and on Christmas eve after 5 years of this shit I walked away from the job I had trained for.

18 months down the line I am in a new job, but my gremlins are still there, and worse they are now starting to affect my life at present including my relationship with OH. I have made the decision to return to counselling, I had it when this kicked off and they were great but I am not coping any more. My problem is by going back I can’t help but feel like he, my boss, has won.

This one guy has being significantly responsible for fucking up my life, and yet I would bet he doesn’t even spare me a second thought.

new start…same old me

So I wanted this post to be about the joys of the new house and I even started writing it – I was going to tell you about my joy, the funny quirks we have found in our new house and the amazing weekend I have had looking forward to starting my new life and the post didn’t come!! I am sure it will in time but for now I am going to write about the upset of this weekend.

Ever since I have been little I imagined moving into a new house, drinking champagne in front of the fire, snuggling up in the warm glow of a future together and laughing as we unpacked boxes, pausing to kiss each other, have a paint fight and just living in a bubble of bliss – this was not the weekend I had!

Started off with Friday night, when we collected the keys. Having had a look around I was keen to start cleaning as I wanted everything cleaned before we moved stuff in and the horror of spending three hours cleaning two windows and starting to realise that everywhere I looked I could just seem more things to clean. Add to that OH is properly poorly sick and spent most of the evening lying on the floor having managed 5 minutes cleaning, but then feeling ill, and my ‘happy new home dream’ was dissolving!

After two windows we decided to call it a day and drove home, where I started worrying: (inner demands) Was OH having doubts? He wasn’t happy because he was ill, that’s nothing to do with me right? Was he happier when he moved in with his previous partner? Did that mean he loved her more? Was I just a cheap replacement? I deserve better than that so what was I going to do? Was the love I have enough for both of us? Was this right? If it doesn’t work out how will either of us ever move on? (Sensible voice) he is ill and feeling rubbish, and probably has a small upset about moving away from his home too, stop worrying! (Inner demands) Is he regretting you? Does he feel trapped?… you get the idea!

Anyway as I walked through the door of my home (although I guess technically it is now my folks home) I received a lovely text, he had pulled over to tell me he loved me and he did want to live with me and he was sorry he was ill. I’ll be honest I burst into tears on my mum, and sobbed for a good 5 minutes!

The next day we moved OH into our house, and I was fine, it wasn’t the full romance I had hoped for, in fact when I went to sit near him he stopped me because he has a bad back which was hurting, but I was fine (if not slightly cold as the people we bought the house from didn’t think to tell us the oil was running out and so our central heating stopped working about lunch time, and we had think frost all day – brrr!)

Then Sunday came around and it was my day to move in, I was fine in the morning and during the day – took my folks up and toured them round the house, showed my sister and her bloke the place moved in far too many boxes, waved them off, and then I broke down into tears and couldn’t stop crying! Even now I am fighting back tears as I think about them, about my things not being in my room at home, but in boxes in my cold new house! I cried, and cried and then would stop, open a box of stuff and cry some more – twice OH told me that I could change my mind and just seem him on weekends, and that just made me cry again! I woke up this morning and I felt depressed, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to put on makeup, I just wanted to cuddle my dad….. and I can’t help but think, what’s wrong with me? Am I not supposed to be happy? I have moved in with the love of my life, something I have wanted since I met him two years ago, but all I am doing is crying and panicking….. I turned the fire off before coming to work as I didn’t trust it being left on, is OH going to be mad at me when I get home? (This worry comes from a previous bad relationship, which got very serious and resulted in me becoming a complete recluse – he didn’t like me going out!) and I get mad at being panicky when (At present) OH has done nothing to deserve this fear, but I am afraid to stand my ground, will always back down and this has me worrying about my future!! And the fact that I am crying my eyes out on what should be one of the happiest days of my life makes me worry what is wrong with me??!!

So I have moved house this weekend, however I seem to have taken all of my old gremlins with me, and I am worried that these gremlins will start affecting my future, and I don’t know what to do!!