I’m going back

As previously hinted at, but generally skipped over, I have been bullied in the past. I am not talking about the bullying I had at school, which was name calling and the usual childhood stuff (whether or not that sentence is alright is the time for another post!)

When I came out of Uni I landed my dream job, I was making a difference in working my butt off every day, men in uniforms would often pop into my office and I loved it. However about 6 months in things started to go wrong, suddenly I was accused of making mistakes that I hadn’t made, being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, told I wasn’t working hard enough and told that no body liked me.

This lead to initially me skipping eating and drinking at work, as my first thought was if I can’t get through everything I need to then I can’t afford to take breaks, I was putting in longer hours, triple checking everything…… I used to dread going into work, I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, and one day while driving down the A1 I had the thought “if I just turn my wheel slightly I will hit the barrier and then maybe I can have a few weeks so!” believe it or not at no point did I realise I was being bullied, I thought it was me.

Another big thing was being told I didn’t fit in, this was done by my one ‘friend’ or so I thought, my male boss who had a daughter my age, this lead to me going out of my way to try and get people to like me, I baked cakes, I made tea and coffee and panicked constantly, if I stopped to take a break and get to know people then my work won’t be done, but if I don’t they won’t like me. I was a mess.

The thing that really did my head in was that every one was being so lovely to my face, they even all came out for my birthday lunch (which I spent months freaking out about holding, but it was an office tradition) but on a near daily basis my boss was telling me no one liked me, they talked about me behind my back, I was letting them down…!

Finally I could take it no more, and I went to the union who told me that they thought I was being bullied, not that I was shit at my job. I broke down, I was relieved, upset, emotionally knackered and generally screwed up.

Long story short, I took it to a disciplinary where massive changes were made in relation to the workings of the office I was in, including the boss being moved into a shared office with his senior management, but I was told there was no bullying (Numerous colleagues stood up to back that I was being bullied and I have since learnt three of my colleagues have also left, with bullying as their reason for leaving, but ‘officially’ there was no bullying!). Three different doctors told me I could not go back into that office for health reasons and so when I met with HR (who were worse than crap) I was left with no option but to hand in my notice (they would not let me move to another office, despite requests from various people to have me go work for them) and on Christmas eve after 5 years of this shit I walked away from the job I had trained for.

18 months down the line I am in a new job, but my gremlins are still there, and worse they are now starting to affect my life at present including my relationship with OH. I have made the decision to return to counselling, I had it when this kicked off and they were great but I am not coping any more. My problem is by going back I can’t help but feel like he, my boss, has won.

This one guy has being significantly responsible for fucking up my life, and yet I would bet he doesn’t even spare me a second thought.