You know that feeling when you are just stuck starring at an empty computer screen? You have so many thoughts running around your head, topics that you want to write about, product reviews to publish that you signed up for before you moved into your house and now realise it was wrong to agree to review when you didn’t have the time?
There are things I want to tell you about, like Mity walking with me this morning. He was so cute trotting along next to me, and he was walking so well we had time to extend the walk and I still got back to the house relaxed and early for work. I made the mistake of telling him how relaxed I was and how pleased I could have an extra long relaxing shower. So he threw up on the kitchen floor. Well I went from relaxed and chilled to late and frantic in the space of a few minutes.
The I want to share with you about my lightening bolt moment the other day when walking BD (my brain really seems to kick up a gear when walking my boys) and I realised that he would do anything I asked of him, follow me anywhere, take any risk. It both amazed and humbled me. Then it got me thinking about animal cruelty and I thought about the stories I have seen that I want to share, petitions to sign, differences to try and make.
But none of that is coming together today.
I wanted to ask for your help. I was going to challenge you with the life altering question of “what should I do with my life?” and hope you would be able to point me in any direction, because I sure as hell don’t know. I thought I had a career plan all sorted, then I was bullied. I took a new role, changed my life, let’s just say it’s not challenging me any more – I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to find motivation. With great delight I announced to my folks I fancied giving teaching a shot, which is a career I have dabbled with every time I am not happy. Originally I had a place on a teaching course at Uni but didn’t like the Uni that accepted me so went into Forensic Science. Then when I left that role I discussed accompanying a teacher friend into school to see what teaching was really like, but I got this new job and so I never did.
Part of my problem is I want to matter. I want the time I spend on this planet to matter. I want to make a difference………….. but I don’t know how.
I have never been one of those people who had a career picked out. I had a few dreams, but my parents pointed out that maybe I didn’t have the motivation I needed to go after those goals. They are right (hence the half written review) I like to work hard, but I don’t want to miss out on today while planning for tomorrow. The only thing I have ever wanted is a family and a husband (and lots of pets, but that went without saying right?!) I want to be able to give up work and raise my kids if I am ever lucky enough to have them. But as I grow up I realise this means I need to have a good nest egg, or a well established career which I can return to after a few years away. I think part of this panic about affording the future came from dating the ex. He had 9 years before he could retire, he was going to retire and see the world. This meant I had 9 years to get my shit together and afford to go with him.
Now he’s gone. But the worry I still have. In fact my career, or lack of, has become more important since he has gone. Before it didn’t matter because I came home to him and BD. I clock watched my way through most of the day but my evenings and weekends were beyond wonderful and so it didn’t matter as much. My life was full.
Now my life is a little empty. I don’t have a successful relationship to boast about. I don’t have a job that I can wax lyrical about.
I feel stalled while all my friends are getting their ‘shit’ together.
Everyone seems to be doing it better, more competently, faster, with Jazz hands. I’m stuck on the back row forgetting the lines.
I know I’m just in a funk. I know that I am doing better than I think. I own my own house and that’s pretty spectacular. But in so many other ways I feel so very far behind.