Random thoughts

You know that feeling when you are just stuck starring at an empty computer screen? You have so many thoughts running around your head, topics that you want to write about, product reviews to publish that you signed up for before you moved into your house and now realise it was wrong to agree to review when you didn’t have the time?

There are things I want to tell you about, like Mity walking with me this morning. He was so cute trotting along next to me, and he was walking so well we had time to extend the walk and I still got back to the house relaxed and early for work. I made the mistake of telling him how relaxed I was and how pleased I could have an extra long relaxing shower. So he threw up on the kitchen floor. Well I went from relaxed and chilled to late and frantic in the space of a few minutes.

The I want to share with you about my lightening bolt moment the other day when walking BD (my brain really seems to kick up a gear when walking my boys) and I realised that he would do anything I asked of him, follow me anywhere, take any risk. It both amazed and humbled me. Then it got me thinking about animal cruelty and I thought about the stories I have seen that I want to share, petitions to sign, differences to try and make.

But none of that is coming together today.

I wanted to ask for your help. I was going to challenge you with the life altering question of “what should I do with my life?” and hope you would be able to point me in any direction, because I sure as hell don’t know. I thought I had a career plan all sorted, then I was bullied. I took a new role, changed my life, let’s just say it’s not challenging me any more – I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to find motivation. With great delight I announced to my folks I fancied giving teaching a shot, which is a career I have dabbled with every time I am not happy. Originally I had a place on a teaching course at Uni but didn’t like the Uni that accepted me so went into Forensic Science. Then when I left that role I discussed accompanying a teacher friend into school to see what teaching was really like, but I got this new job and so I never did.

Part of my problem is I want to matter. I want the time I spend on this planet to matter. I want to make a difference………….. but I don’t know how.

I have never been one of those people who had a career picked out. I had a few dreams, but my parents pointed out that maybe I didn’t have the motivation I needed to go after those goals. They are right (hence the half written review) I like to work hard, but I don’t want to miss out on today while planning for tomorrow. The only thing I have ever wanted is a family and a husband (and lots of pets, but that went without saying right?!) I want to be able to give up work and raise my kids if I am ever lucky enough to have them. But as I grow up I realise this means I need to have a good nest egg, or a well established career which I can return to after a few years away. I think part of this panic about affording the future came from dating the ex. He had 9 years before he could retire, he was going to retire and see the world. This meant I had 9 years to get my shit together and afford to go with him.

Now he’s gone. But the worry I still have. In fact my career, or lack of, has become more important since he has gone. Before it didn’t matter because I came home to him and BD. I clock watched my way through most of the day but my evenings and weekends were beyond wonderful and so it didn’t matter as much. My life was full.

Now my life is a little empty.  I don’t have a successful relationship to boast about. I don’t have a job that I can wax lyrical about.

I feel stalled while all my friends are getting their ‘shit’ together.

Everyone seems to be doing it better, more competently, faster, with Jazz hands. I’m stuck on the back row forgetting the lines.

I know I’m just in a funk. I know that I am doing better than I think. I own my own house and that’s pretty spectacular. But in so many other ways I feel so very far behind.

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Now what am I going to do?

It’s 9.05am and I am already sick to death of my job and counting down the hours until I can leave. Which is case you were wondering is 7 hours 55 minutes or 453 minutes or if you would prefer 27180 seconds.

I always wanted to do something that mattered with me life. I studied hard(ish) I went to Uni, passed my degree with a 2:1 and then got a job in the role I had trained very hard for. So the job wasn’t quite as I imagined, but on the whole I was doing a job that mattered. The long hours I put in, well for a start they got a guy locked up for assault for 5 years and I loved that my job mattered. I mattered.

Then the bullying worsened and I went through hell. The mind games my then boss played on me… well let’s just say they still affect me to this day and I am still having counselling as a result. I was advised by 3 different doctors that for health reasons I could never return to that work environment, and when my employer decided not to properly investigate my bullying complaint I was let with no choice. I told them where to stick their job and on Christmas eve I walked out. I was a mess. The guy had bullied any feeling of confidence or self-worth out of me. I felt I couldn’t do the job I had studied hard for; I felt I couldn’t do anything.

I did some part time jobs waiting for something more permanent and then I saw an advert for the place I currently work, and you wanna know why I applied for it? Because it was close to where the ex worked and I hoped it would one day lead to us living together. Yep, it was only months into our relationship and yet I was so confident that he was the one that I applied for a job which (yes I am going to sound big headed, but it was pointed out in my interview so…) I was significantly over-qualified for.

This place hasn’t all been bad. The people are lovely, and I do have days where I really love my job. I have been amazingly lucky that they have supported my development, sent me on courses and help me get my head slightly more together. However, I am aware for my current role I am significantly underpaid. This isn’t me just complaining I need more money, I have had a look at similar jobs and I am at least 30 grand under where I should be. I work stupidly long hours, which when taken into account with my current rate of pay I barely make minimum wage and all of that wouldn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for the fact that at the end of the day I’m working my ass off to make some rich people richer.
I have been unhappy for a long time. I have attended interviews at other companies but I worry that will leave me in the same place, granted with more money, but still doing a pointless job.
Then one day I came up with a plan. He had bought a house he could afford without my wage (part of the security he needed for when we lived together) and so my plan was to discuss with him my returning to Uni to retrain. I had it all planned, I would need him to support me while I became a full time student again (although I wouldn’t give up work fully, so that I could still contribute to the house) and then when I qualified and got a decent job we would both be financially better off and I would be doing a job I loved. It felt like a win win situation.

Only I never got to put that plan to him. We never did have that conversation. And now I am alone with a mortgage to pay and I feel trapped. I need a monthly pay check. I am barely going to be able to cope to cover the bills when I do finally move into my house and I feel trapped.

Trapped in a job I don’t like.

Trapped in a life I don’t want.