Until it doesn’t

Or at least the dog shares rocks until he has to go back.

And then I hate it.

I hate having to say goodbye to him again. I hate cuddling him and willing him to understand that I don’t want this. I hate leaving him. I hate that we only get a few days together a week. I hate that I couldn’t make it work – that I wasn’t enough.

I pray that he understands this isn’t his fault.

I didn’t want to leave, not like the other ‘mum’ did.

I want him to understand that even when we are apart, a little bit of me stays with him. That I count down the days until I next see him, and wonder what I can move in the diary to fit him in.

It’s a balancing act.

Seeing him as much as I want but not annoying the ex too much. Not being overly demanding – BD is not my dog and if I over step the mark the ex could cut all ties, then and there and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s funny, this time last year (ok maybe a little over a year, let’s say 2 years ago!) I would have told you that my ex was a man of his word and that if he has promised I can continue to see BD he will let me…….but I’m not that naïve anymore.

I am acutely aware that any minute all this could end. BD could be taken from me, and that thought terrifies me. So I jump through whatever hoops the ex asks me to jump through.

I pray he doesn’t find anyone else.

Not because the idea of him with someone else kills me. It does; but that’s not the motivation. I’m scared about what sort of woman he will choose, and how high he will jump when she asks him to…. “of course you’re ex can’t continue to walk your dog twice a week.” If he’s listened to anything I ever said to him he won’t let an old relationship ruin a new one. And so I will be out; replaced.

I know it would have been easier, and possibly better to make the clean break. But I promised BD I wouldn’t leave him, and I can’t. You’ve seen the videos of how crazy a dog goes when re-united with a soldier who has been on tour, I watch those videos and think how much the dog has missed their owner. After tours lasting 6 months the dogs still remember and are over joyed at the reunion. I don’t want BD to suffer that separation – not if it is in my power to spare him that.

Don’t worry I am very aware of the elephant in the room, the unspoken fear in my friends and family. The nagging voice that sometimes can be heard in my own head “are you hanging onto him, because it lets you hang on to your ex?”

Honestly, I don’t think I am. Do I like that on occasions having BD means I can pop back into my ‘other house’ very much so. But am I hanging onto the ex, the life I had….maybe. But I know that it can’t be. I can’t go back. I have to move on. And although I don’t want to, I will. And to be honest, there are months at a time when I don’t see the ex, where conversation is literally a text confirming date and times so I think it’s more holding onto my second home.

But I would give it all up if I could only guarantee a future relationship with BD. If a new girlfriend lands on the scene I would happily negotiate access with her. I would cut all contact with the ex, and stay away from the house so long as she didn’t take my dog from me.

But that’s the problem, he isn’t my dog.

What a difference a dog makes!

Today I am in a good mood. The sun is shining (ok, it’s not but I feel as though it should be!) the sky isn’t even close to blue but should be and all in all I’m very happy. And what I hear you ask is the reason for this good mood?

Well it simple, tonight I have BD. Again!

The ex has been away all weekend at some sort of race in Scotland (I don’t know details and I didn’t ask) all I know is the important stuff, he left early Friday morning and returns late this evening meaning I get to chill with BD this evening as well. We really have had a lovely 4 days. On Friday night I had my sister coming to stay with me and as she wasn’t getting there until late BD and I went on one of the old walks we used to do together. I had forgotten how far we used to walk together and how much I loved it. The huge smile on BDs face was almost as large as my own.

Friday nights walk inspired me and so together this weekend we have explored some of the new walks near my house. I have loved every minute of having him – even when he decided we were going to play catch this morning while I was having my shower. The shower took twice as long and ended up with his toy bobbing around in the bath water but I didn’t care. I have valued and treasured every moment we have spent together and I am so excited to go an pick him up tonight for another long walk followed by en evening cuddling on the settee.

We seem to have found our little routine, and if I am honest there is a whole load of me that wishes he didn’t have to go ‘home’ tomorrow. In fact there is a whole load of me that wishes he didn’t ever have to go back.

But he does.

And I have to admit our relationship is much stronger it. When I have BD I have BD. His name gets put into my calendar and for the night, day, weekend, whatever I have no plans but him. I make sure the shopping is done before he arrives and so when he arrives it is our time. I’ll admit at the moment he is having to share my attention with DIY but I don’t take the time I have with him for granted and that is brilliant.

When I am with him I am in the moment. I was so excited about picking him up on Friday night I was like a kid at Christmas, the day dragged and when I finally got into my car I squeaked with excitement.

It’s a weird situation, and if it had been my choice I would not be doing a ‘part-time’ dog share.

But it’s not my choice and so I have to make do. However, the more I do it the less it is ‘making do’. Spending quality time with BD is amazing, not taking him for granted is eye opening. I hate leaving him, but love picking him up, and without the guilt of leaving him if I am having a social life. I feel slightly bad for admitting it but truth be told this dog share actually kinda rocks!


So what do you think, am I the most awful person in the world for admitting that sharing BD is actually not too bad, would you dog share if you could, or am I dammed for all of eternity for admitting that I love my time without him as much as I love my time with him?