It’s all in the way you sell it

I have had the most lovely weekend. Life has been a little hectic of late meaning I have only been able to see Raoul for the odd evening here and there, but this weekend the stars aligned and I got to spend two glorious days with him. It was really lovely, and just so easy… I never realised quite how much stress my last relationship put onto me. Being with someone so chilled and laid back… it’s just awesome!

Anyway, we are currently in that tricky stage where we are still trying to date date (night out at the cinema or for tea.) Although easier, and cheaper to sit on the sofa, I am determined that 2 months in we will not turn into that couple already. Complete aside, but I can’t believe it has only been 2 months, I feel like I have been with him forever!

So Friday night we were looking for something to do, and as the weather was poor I suggested we went to the Cinema. Now I really wanted to see Man Up, and Friday just happened to be the day it was being released. However, when viewing a preview for the film on a different film night (Honestly when you are dating, what is there to do on an evening but go to the cinema or eat out? Seriously, any suggestions welcome) he was… let’s say… less than keen on seeing this film.

But I really wanted to, and so I asked him “if, as the weather was poo, we could go to the cinema and see the new Simon Pegg comedy?”

He said yes!!

So I quickly emailed across cinema times before he could change his mind.

He scored himself some ‘good boyfriend’ brownie points.

I must admit to being really touched that he was happy to go and see a film with me he hadn’t really wanted to, but assumed he had said yes cause there was pretty much nothing else to do… turns out that wasn’t why he said yes.

Turns out the reason he said yes was because he hadn’t put two and two together…

he hadn’t remembered that the new Simon Pegg comedy was in fact a ROM-com…

In fact he didn’t twig which film we were going to see until we arrived at the cinema…

I maintain, that a Rom-com is still a comedy, just with an additional classification and maintain that I did not lie to him… I just omitted certain details!

However he now claims that I am the worse girlfriend in the world …and made me buy the popcorn. He has also removed my film choosing rights until further notice.

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It’s still a comedy… just a comedy about romance!

So what do you think? Am I right that a Rom-com is still a comedy or has he let me off lightly?

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Are men and woman just inherently different?

I have had another light bulb moment. This one happened on the drive to work this morning. As complete side note I have found, maybe slightly worryingly, that I do all my best thinking while driving; or peeing. I know a slight over-share but for the last few weeks I have found that if I am stuck on something, if I take a break from my desk and go for a wee ‘ping’ problem solves itself and I come out of the loo knowing exactly how I need to proceed. – just me that thinks that’s weird?

Anyway, I digress.

Last night blokey, who hence for will be known as Raoul (he picked it, don’t ask why. And yes big moment in our relationship he is actually getting a name on the blog, which I have let him pick- didn’t let the ex have a say in his name! Anyway…) Last night Raoul, went out with his mates; not a problem. But he yet again, decide that he wasn’t going to tell me he was going out all evening. I don’t mind he goes out. In fact I would rather he went out than sat around all evening doing nothing. But, the only thing I ask is he lets me know not to expect to here from him. If I know he is out, having fun or busy at work I don’t worry when I hear nothing. But when as far as I know he is sat in front of the tv and I haven’t heard from him when I usually would.. well it means lots of phone checking from me, and last time it lead to a massive freak out (which you can read a little about here.)

We did talk after my last freak out, and in the end I decided the best way was for me to just assume I would not here from him. It’s funny. i don’t mind not hearing from him. In fact I am becoming more and more of the mindset that relationships would be easier if you didn’t always expect to be in contact with the other person. Anyone else done the early stages, over analysis of trying to figure out how much a guy is into you based on the amount and frequency of messages? Then what happens when you are over the honeymoon period and the number of texts drop “Is he busy, or board and trying to end it?”…

So I made a decision. I will not expect to hear from him.

It helped prevent any freak out when he went AWOL last night, but I have to admit to still feeling a bit put out (and maybe doing a small bit of analysis) when the message finally came in saying the reason he hadn’t been in contact before a good night text (which I sent) was that he was out with his mates – was there not even 5 minutes in the entire evening where he could take two seconds to text me “out with the guys, speak later!” That’s all I want. That’s all I would need. I don’t need to know, or particularly care what, where, how, why and who.

But I got nothing.

Then last night, while checking my phone with slightly more frequency than I would have done had I received a message from him, I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians (yes, I do occasionally watch it, but only very rarely I am not a big fan, although yes Kim’s wedding is set up to record tonight when I am out.. might force Raoul to watch it on Sat by way of penance, now there’s a thought!!)  It was the episode where the one Kourtney finds out she was pregnant with her third child and Scott (her husband) can’t cope with the news and so goes AWOL for a night.

Yep, you read that right. Having found out his wife is having a third child he goes AWOL. He sends a text saying his plane has landed… and then switches off his phone. Leaving his pregnant wife ‘alone*’ with their two young children, spending the entire night trying to track him down.

I am not saying he was wrong to take some time off. But surely a message to his wife “honey, I need some space to think. gonna spend the night in a hotel, home in the morning.” and she could panic a little less. She could have slept through the night.

Now I know Scott (at the time of filming) had a lot on and wasn’t in the best head space. I know that Raoul isn’t intentionally letting me worry. But why do they not think, how do they not spare a thought for their other halves who are sat around worrying that their loved one is safe?!

Is it just a guy thing, they will never see it our way and it is just one of many man/women differences that we have to accept or is this a situation where nattering a gentle reminder may actually work?

Guys – is it an all man thing?
Girls – does your guy go AWOL without notice?
Singles – are you reveling in the fact that being single you can suit yourself and don’t have this to worry about?

*she is a Kardasian, with a film crew, so I would take the use of alone somewhat with a pinch of salt. But you get the drift.

Does #onlinedating raise your standards?

I think in my unwillingness to ‘settle’, my concerns about getting hurt again and the smallest part of me that is still unwilling to give up on the idea that love conquers all, has led me to raise my already high standards and I am very aware that they are now at such a level no mortal may be able to reach them.

The vast majority of my previous relationships have been a result of a drunken meet up. Our eyes would meet from across the bar/pub/club and the night would end with a drunken kiss and number swap. We would then text for a few days before agreeing to meet up on our first date. Although none of these dates lead to any great romances, or even long term relationships, I got to know the guy slowly over a period of time.His ‘faults’ weren’t obvious right at the beginning of a relationship and so I was willing to give it a try and see what happens.

However, now that I am doing the online thing the first impression is a ‘profile’ which all the ‘faults’ are very obvious to see, meaning I can prejudge and walk away. I stop something even before it has started…

Separated/Divorced – red flag. My ex was separated and had never gotten over the split, not putting myself through that again. Plus when I am stood there saying “till death do us part” I don’t want to know that he has made that very promise to another woman how do I know he means it this time?

Has a child – no thanks. I want the first time I go through pregnancy, child birth, bringing home a baby to be with some who is as shit scared as I am. I don’t want him to have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

And when you factor in the fact that I have paid money to potentially meet someone, I am putting even more weight on the ‘not settling’ after all I am officially in the market shopping, and I would hate to go home with something that isn’t quite me. I hate taking an ill fitting dress back to the shop, I wouldn’t even know where I start returning a guy!

So despite trying not to I am prejudging and leaving on the shelve some potentially great guys. Guys who I may not have dated long term had we met in real life first, but guys who I would have at least let buy me a drink.

 

Choosing a Username

I don’t know about you but I hate choosing a Username. I always pile too much pressure on myself. I want it to be funny, quirky and original. After all it is how I will be known by many people.  Usually I spend far too long deciding, and massively over-think the entire process. I know you’re shocked aren’t you that I would overthink something.

Anyway, this time is no different. You see I have decided to take the plunge. After a year as officially single I am joining a dating site. I’m not really looking for someone yet, more thinking of it as a way to meet new people and try out new things. I’m mainly interested in some of the single nights this company holds and so thought why not. I have a friend who will be accompanying me on said nights (not that she realises this yet) and so I thought it will just get my social life looking a little more healthy which at this time of year is nothing but a good thing.

So I logged onto the site and started filling in the details. It was going well. I could manage my name, post code, age, that I was a woman searching for a man. Hell, I had even decided on an age range and decided not to settle on age so been very specific about what I did and didn’t want…

And then they asked for my username.

Now more than my username matters. This name and my picture is going to persuade a handsome, charming, great personality, brilliant sense of humour, animal loving, sensitive, none-smoking, active, large… pay check (get your mind out of the gutter!) guy that I am the woman he has waited his entire life for.

I have come up with a couple and rejected them. I think ‘Desperate and dejected’ may have gone and ‘dying alone with dogs instead of cats as cats hate me’ just don’t roll off the tongue! I considered keep it simple and just going with my name.  I also considered using my childhood nickname – it’s kinda cute, fun story and would encourage someone to delve a little deeper to get to know me. I considered using a fake name but I know of someone who did that. She was dating a great guy when a few weeks into the relationship he announced that he wasn’t ‘Harry’ but actually he was an actor called ‘Frank’ and had used a face name so his fans didn’t know he was on the ‘hunt’. (true story!) They never saw each other again.

In desperation I sent off a quick text to my baby sister. I knew she would be there for me in my hour of need, she is arty, with a flair for the dramatic and I knew she wouldn’t let me down. Because she is a complete star, and as fulfilled with her job as I am with mine, she replied within minutes with her suggested username…Free and Easy.

I was wrong.

I assumed that ‘dating’ (I use that loosely, it should read going on dates) the ‘pregnant goldfish’ would be a safe way for me to dip my toe back into the dating pool without anyone getting hurt. I had been completely honest with him from the start and assumed that he wouldn’t fall for me and I was pretty certain I wouldn’t fall for him. I assumed we would have a bit of a laugh together and no-one would get hurt.

I was wrong.

Turns out even having a guy you’re not interested in cancelling on you does hurt….especially when he cancels on you twice.

The first time he cancelled I was more annoyed. There was a lack of a good reason and it was slightly bruised ego. Just because I was interested in him doesn’t mean that he can’t be interested in spending time with me. But this second time really hurts. I can’t help but wonder what it is in me that means that guys just don’t want to spend time with me. At least this time he gave a reason (proof that men can learn) but I’m not sure I believe him.

The annoying thing is looking back on the previous date I was tempted to cancel. In fact anyone I have told about the date has told me to run a mile at high speed. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I didn’t want him to feel rejected and so knowing we would have a laugh I thought go out to eat, split the bill, then explain that you just want friendship.

I knew getting back in the saddle was going to be tricky. I knew that it would take time, and heartache, but I didn’t know that the hurt would happen so soon; makes me doubt even more if want to get back on the horse at all.

Friday night isn’t date night

The pregnant goldfish cancelled on me. Yes you read that right. The pregnant goldfish cancelled.on. me! It gets better, he refused to give me a reason why; all he said was “I’m  not going to make it.” Are you frigging kidding me? I know that conversation had dwindled over the last few days, mainly due to me but that was because I didn’t want to lead him on as he kept telling me how he was “thinking about me all the time” and “counting the days till we’d see each other again”. I knew that despite wanting to see him again my shallowness had won out and the hairy back and coloured football team tattoo meant we would not be seeing each other naked – i dislike tattoos, i detest coloured tattoos and I also detest football – it was not a winning combination he had going! but, I was willing to give him a second chance with the knowledge that I would have a laugh and hopefully get another blog post or two out of the event. I mean the first date involved a page three girl, too much touching, a request to pretend to make out with him so that the local drunk would think we were ‘together’ and a complete lack of any of the date (him) the next morning because he had three pints and turns out is a very cheap date!

It was last night that he cancelled, about 3 hours before our date. He did ask if we could meet tonight and I explained (again, clearly listening is not his strongest talent) that I was busy with a mates birthday he asked if we could do another time when he would explain in detail why he couldn’t make it. I reluctantly agreed to next week but made it clear that I would want a ‘bloody good’ reason for being cancelled before that date and I got a lovely “I ain’t going into it now, sorryx
Yes, he put a kiss. He still hasn’t given me a reason, in fact I don’t even know if he is still alive this morning as I haven’t heard anything and to be honest I’m not 100% certain I care.

I know that life gets in the way, and I understand something may have happened which means he had to cancel. The thing that gets me is not the cancelling more the refusal to give a reason. Is it just me that thinks it’s odd that he won’t give a reason? If it was me I’d say “I’m really sorry but x has happened” or “Can we make it tomorrow as y really needs me“.

You will be pleased to know that I am not blowing this thing out of all proportion. In fact I am acting quite rationally. If he gets in contact and has a good excuse I may let him take me out on our second date, and if not..well then I will add this to the increasing lists of why I hate the entire male population and go and buy* myself a cat!!

Borrowed with thanks from http://www.polyvore.com/men_are_idiots_sayings_quotes/thing?id=10236309 (check out their site it looks fab!)
Borrowed with thanks from http://www.polyvore.com/men_are_idiots_sayings_quotes/thing?id=10236309 (check out their site it looks fab!)

*kidding, I would never buy myself a cat…..I’d rescue one!!

Friday Night is Date Night

Yep you read that right. It is Friday night. I do have a date.

Tonight I am going for a drink and game of pool with the pregnant goldfish that I have been talking via text for a few weeks.

To begin with I was pretty keen. I couldn’t help but get carried away with the idea of a guy with a wicked sense of humour who seemed interested in me and wanted children and marriage (yes I did blatantly come out and ask him that about 3 messages in) and wondered what he would look like in a trunks when we went away on our summer holiday together. I knew it was too soon for anything serious (and again have told him this) but he appears to have a good sense of humour, doesnt’ scare easily (the kids/marriage/I’ve got a counselor bombshells haven’t yet sent him running for the hills) and is an expert pool player and so I accepted the date thinking I should have a laugh and hopefully come away with a new life skill. Yes, I am now assessing which men I will date based on what new life skill I can get from them! (I think it’s genius)

However, this week he’s been hanging around with his mates and the texts I have received from him have completely dried up “when he’s had a better offer”. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a bunny boiler, let’s spend no time apart and report to me every second of every day that we are not in each others presence kind of girlfriend, but I do like to be thought about when we are not together and I appreciate the occasional ‘thinking of you’ kinda text. I know that the reason this bugs me is partly to do with the ex, if he was out with the boys I didn’t get a message. It wasn’t a problem, I didn’t need a text or assume because he wasn’t texting me he was screwing something else. But when I’ve had a drink I will sneak into the loo and whilst peeing send a quick, “love you, miss you” text (over-sharing?) before carrying on with my night – is it too much for them to do the same? The fact that he hasn’t contacted me when having a ‘better offer’ when we are not even dating has made me wary and so I have very mixed feelings about tonight.

I no longer imagine a drunken kiss after an evening of fun. In fact partly due to my cold, but partly cause I’m now feeling a bit blah I have decided to drive and save myself some money so there will be no drunken anything, and if he comes a drunken ass like the other time I met him…well let’s just say he won’t even last the date.

I’m not completely writing him off just yet. I have pre-planned what to wear down to the very last item and I am giving myself about 3 hours to get ready and pull off the ‘this old stuff, I just threw it on’ look. But let’s just say I will be shaving my under arms but I’m not going to waste time and effort on shaving my legs!!